Yes, it does – indeed.

Now,  I will reply to your email.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I am glad you gave me a special gift – and I was able to give one to you too.   I will respond to your email shortly.

You are right, trying to be happy while being terrorized! It sounds outlandish if you think about it generically, out of context! Like being chased, and simultaneously being told to relax and slow down!

This is what I meant by dichotomy – so much in our lives were a dichotomy, but not a “true dichotomy” when analyzed – its just that we were often given contrasting signals and developed difficulty having: Self Trust

“hmm I am being chased by something scary, so I am running (naturally without thought – fight or flight) – but the monster is screaming: relax slow down!” But when I do, I feel scared and he doesn’t stop – what to do?

That “what to do?” question became almost absent (at least for me) – it became knee jerk.  Above, run run run run away, but then go home and feel bad for not “listening” to relax and slow down – and being UNABLE TO do so.  Gosh stupid CC why couldn’t she simultaneously run away and relax and slow down – gosh why not!

Why not?!

Because it is impossible to be terrorized and find any semblance of peace!!

Dear Anita,

I wish those things for myself as well today, and to feel stronger and more grounded each coming year.  I know I have all of the resources and support I need to maintain that.

I wrote 2 posts to you here this morning, and just read your email.

Thank you so much for that personal piece of information, I know how much it means to you.  I wonder, if that “X thing you shared (without divulging here)” means as much to you as perhaps you mean to me.  Of course, there is no competition or comparison – but the person/persons/situations that helped us on the beginning of the path, guided us through that rocky beginning – and helped us see the light, when we couldn’t — those people are everything.

You are that person, for me.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Today is my birthday.  I am 34.

I feel about 30-31, but hey what does it matter.

Age often feels strange for people like us, and by us, I mean people who have been in the shadow of trauma for many years of life- and often not actually have felt that they truly lived many years, or even decades.  It feels odd sometimes to say I am X years old, because you think – “where did all that time go.”

I used to feel very sad about this, and birthdays were very emotional for me.  Not the type of emotion where you wake up crying and enveloped in your feelings – no.

No, for me it was suppressed emotion causing discomfort, anxiety, pain – stuckness, rumination.

Today I see – I am an adult.  But I am young at heart in many ways.  Most of all – I am free.  Age is nothing without freedom.

Freedom is everything.

I have done an incredible amount of work freeing myself from the wrath that is my mother.  And now on a daily basis I work (and with you) on the path – of healing.

Some days this path is burdensome and it feels like it isn’t life.  Other days it feels like, oh I guess the only life there is.

Today – I know, that it is a large part of my life, and yes it does define my life.  As it has become important with each progressing day to make choices that allow me to feel good.

Feeling good is the only goal – and in a real honest, wholesome way.  Not fleeting compulsive good feelings.

Feeling strong and grounded, free to make my choices, and have the power to not be overburdened with guilt and worry – that is what my life is about.  That is what my daily work is for.

I have spent my entire life, over 30 years, wow – learning to focus on the outside – out there – there – outer world.

And only over 1 year, or a few months – 3 months lets say – wow, have I learned to focus on the inside – in here – inner circle.

Can you imagine? Undoing over 30 year of patterns, behavioral ways, neuropathways – in a few months.  How uncomfortable, how distressing, how difficult.  Yet, this is the work – it is the only way for a full and free life.

Thank you Anita, I look forward to speaking to you today when you wake up.  And yes, we had planned for you to visit NYC during my birthday – oh what a treat, for myself, and my husband and sister too.

Well, perhaps next year – but I know by then – we will no longer be in NYC – we will be in the next chapter of our path, the healing will continue, elsewhere – slightly more calm and quiet.

Dear Anita,

It is such an odd thing, and of course sad, that we were never important to our mothers.

It seems like such an unfathomable thing, as it is against human or animal natural instinct.

This is why I often refer to my mother as another species, deranged – as it is an uncharacteristic quality.  Yet, in every species, even in nature–There are mothers who neglect their young, their cubs, their eggs, whatever it may be.

I often think about what it would have been like to be neglected, instead of over “obsessed over” with feigned love – just to be tricked. Well it doesn’t truly matter.  But it would have been apparent early on that this mother is truly unloving, versus seeing this mystery pan out years and years later.

Truly accepting that our mothers never loved us is the key to healing of course.  But as you say, that is only the beginning.

I have thought a lot about my baseline hostility since that conversation of ours – it was so pivotal.  Truly life changing.  Observing daily with all my interactions.

I notice that I have baseline hostility, but have so many glimpses of that “wagging of the tail” daily.

No unadulterated joy, no feeling of light and free – of course not.  But that would be foolish to even expect that at present.

But I know somewhere on the horizon it exists, I can see the outlines forming..

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I too felt different yesterday, and do today.  I hope you are having a good morning.  I am feeling quite pensive today

Dear Anita,

I am back.  I re-read your post, and this part I have highlighted:

 Problem is she insisted that those people with good luck take from her… when alone with me she complained about how they use her. I told her: stop giving them things and she would say: no, it is not nice, what would they say, something like that.

So I told her: I will tell them, I will tell them to stop taking from you! She said: I will kill you if you do that.

Next those people were over and she gave them (expensive foods, gifts, whatnot) generously, insisted if they refused, they took, left, and she told me that they shouldn’t have taken, what users they are, daring to take from an unlucky woman who works so hard.

I have highlighted the key points of this.  It appears you wrote how I often do, a stream of consciousness based on emotion.  I want to point out how important that is often for remembering the reality, of how we were treated by these mothers.  These anecdotes are so telling.

1- Those people with good luck take from her.

—Assuming these people at baseline have good luck, mostly as a result of not being HER – they are luckier.

—Assuming these people with good luck, already have good luck – and now want MORE

2-Complain about how they use her

—It is the saga of her life to constantly use you as a punching bag, a therapist, a sounding board, and a kick toy.  You are constantly expected – and were- the perfect silent listener.

3-You tell her…well, stop

—She has an inflammatory response: how dare you stupid child say that! What do you know! Insinuating your job is to just sit sit still and listen, and if she does want a response out of you – you better believe it is the ONE she was looking for, or else! Or else she will find the biggest scariest way to keep you down.  It worked.

4-Her response at not continuing her behavior

—You, like any sane person, think: well if what you are doing is not working, then stop! Almost comical it seems.

Not comical at all! She is absurdly taken back by this.  What a foolish thing to think of Anita, don’t you know the shame it would put on me!! How could I not give, what kind of woman would that make me?

Not at all concerned about the type of woman that uses and kicks her child around? Nope – not at all.

We can discuss the above comments if you like

——-

Next I will write my own anecdote, not very well organized in my head today – but I will write it out..

So we had a cleaning lady growing up, Maria.  When I say cleaning lady it was by no means this lavish thing.  It was someone that came maybe once every other week to help my mother “clean” the house.  Now, without getting into too much detail.  My mother’s entire world revolved around this lady coming.  She became so obsessed with her, they became like high school gossiping best friends.  Maria would often stay for hours after chatting with my mother. My mother would offer her food and drink and presents like a best friend or a family member.  Maria then started bringing her daughter Diane over to play with my sister, and the two of them would play together, they were about 7 or so.

Well low and behold, and my sister will do a good job explaining as well I am sure if it ever came up – that literally my mother’s entire obsession was comparing my sister to Diane – and her life to Maria’s. So to circle it back to the highlights of your story.

1- My mother gave and gave to Maria, desperate for a friend.  Feeling so glad the world finally gave her a good friend.  Slowly, Maria would stop cleaning as well, as per my mother, arrive late, leave early – make excuses.  My mother would be angered, enraged, constantly call my father or myself and go on and on about this hysterical.  How all she does is give to others, and they use her.  How dare they! I dare her to show up at my house and try again.

So let’s say Maria then shows up.  Now my mother is in tears- hysterical, sad she was hurt by this friend.  So then the saga continues, she goes to Marias house, sets up play dates for my sister and Diane.  Pushes my sister to get closer and closer to Diane so that they can maintain a friendship.  Puts Maria down for acting like she big and almighty – but at the same time giving her the credibility of a real life amazing best friend.

She would talk about how lucky Maria is to not have to work that hard, and live a good life.  And it is far worse to be her, my mother, who has finances  – but is so alone.  And how after befriending Maria, and making her work fun and easy, Maria slaps her in the face over and over.  What a misery.  She would then go back and forth with her for years.  Maria inviting her to an event, then flaking, and it take over my mother’s entire day, week, month.  Then my mother wanting to do the same back -revenge. Back and forth for years, even planning vacations together – so much so much.

Of course my sister and I both, especially I being older – would start saying to my mother: enough! enough with this.  One day you love Maria, one day you hate her.  One day you hate that you ever treated her more than a cleaning lady, the next day thanking the lord that your best friend has arisen. Ridiculous.

She would scream at us curse us.  Say things  with translations like you ungrateful b*** you wouldn’t know, your life and world is so easy – look how alone your mother is, if it wasn’t for Maria who would she have?!

And on another day, let’s say she would be in tears on the floor: oh my daughters you are so right and wise beyond your years, I need to stop this I must stop – talking about as though it was like an addition or a drug issue.  Running to the phone and shoving it in my face, call her – call Maria now! Call her CC and tell her FU don’t treat my mother like that, cmon help your mother.

And another day, something else.

There is so much more to that whole saga I will leave out for now.  But the concept of it remains the same.

Another scenario that comes to mind is how she continued to give and be kind to my in laws at FIRST, enamored with them, obsessed, just to kick me down later figuratively and  tell me that they are dirty, money hungry losers that are trying to steal their daughter away.  And that I might as well be a whore giving myself to this family.  But a week earlier at a family event showing off how their daughter is marrying into a nice doctor family.  If I ever said, well mom you can keep your distance.  I could not imagine her wrath, she would cackle and say – only a stupid bigot like you would think that – you know nothing about the world, good luck being married an finding happiness, no matter how hard you try – you will never find it..

That’s enough for now – I will wait for your response.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dearest Anita,

You are not off topic at all, in fact you are exactly on topic. Oh my gosh what you have written has conjured up so many memories in me as well, so much to relate on, excellent timing. I have to be away from the computer for about two hours right now, but rest assured that as soon as I return I have so much to say about this. It makes entire sense why you are so emotional or triggered about this, and I have felt the same exact thing many times before. In fact – You just pinpointed another root of the baseline hostility! Likely for both of us. I  forward to elaborating further this afternoon.