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Dear Anita,
First of all I want to say thank you for taking the time to write this well thought out post.
Second of all, I am curious as to what this all brought up in your own self – about your own life.
You wrote:
A piece that is very relevant to my personal life experience, but I will focus at this point on your life experience.
I would love for you to share if you feel it will be helpful to you, I will enjoy reading and listening to this.
I will continue…
This is everything:
..your mother being the “peanut sized brain” leader of the two, trained you to view people as enemies and then she sent you to form and maintain friendships with enemies.
You are right. My mother said (so to speak) – and by the way in certain computers at work the parentheses key is broken, so I am not always able to add these in!
She said: “go on and make friends with these people, it is important, you don’t want to end up alone and lonely do you! But people are the enemies and they are bad, look at how bad they act, but go be friends.”
Mixed signals – beyond mixed signals. People are the enemy, but we NEED them, so we must must befriend them.
In fact, my sister has brought this up recently in her own words, I will speak to her about this topic as well. She mentioned something about how our mother went on and on about how terrible certain people were in her dance class let’s say, but then in the next breath berated my sister for not making friends with them. It created a great deal of anxiety for her starting at a very young age until now.
So back to your post, the greatest enemy of all is in fact my mother.
Recently, my sister was dealing with an issue with this group of friends she has in NYC, she wouldn’t mind me sharing with you so I will tell you in general. Long story short, the girls wanted to have an intervention with one of the girls B, who doesn’t seem to be all there. She has major mood swings, reacts poorly to alcohol, and can lash out and leave places immediately – causing concern for the group. There is more to the story. One of the girls asked my sister to confront her with her, given that they are the most vocal out of the group. They wanted to do this before they want on this group trip. Well when it came time to it, the girl backed out entirely – and acted like she never even brought up the topic. In a way she was acting selfish and inconsiderate and focusing on enjoying herself at the trip, and not doing the hard work of confronting someone. My sister, was disappointed and flustered by this.
I was surprised at my advice to her (of course always easier to give advice than receive). I spent some time thinking about the whole story before responding. I thought mostly about what parrot would say – and how it would be inflammatory. “Gosh see these people. Sister finally made good friends, and SEE look how bad they are. What bad luck for her. ” “No matter where you go people are always going to be this bad.”
I thought about this, I heard Parrot’s voice in my head loud and clear, her gossiping about my sister’s friends to me like a high school girl at a pep rally.
And then I knew my response…
I said to my sister. You have friends. They are fun and entertaining. You have people to laugh with and enjoy NYC with. That is great. In the grand scheme of things, the disappointment of that girl in flaking on the confrontation isn’t terrible. Perhaps it says something about her, perhaps no. WE are used to magnifying bad qualities in people. Saying “ah ha SEE look I knew she was bad.” Almost a guilty satisfaction that our SUSPICION was correct. Take her for what she is, and what she shows you -but don’t let it take away from your good times with the group.
I was impressed with myself.
It was the first time I thought this way. I had no idea of the conversation we are having today then, this was about 2 weeks ago – but I knew I was onto something. I knew deep down inside my brain, and that of my sisters magnifies bad qualities of others.
We see them as the enemy, ready to pounce!
You are so incredibly right. Oh wow! So right.
This is so incredibly harmful to the both of us. I know personally, I have become worse at this over the last 2 years since that all happened with my parents. More critical, more magnifying, and more sensitive to flaws in others. Not because I think myself perfect, but I am quick to get disappointed and point out people’s lack of self awareness. I think an added point is this self awareness.
I have a huge issues these days when people are not self aware. It truly bothers me. And what does it do? It creates self harm. But who was the least self aware, biggest enemy of all – mother!
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Funny thing is this: while I am typing this I glance at my phone and there is a text from S (she just returned from a Miami girls weekend). She is writing about how one of the girls spent the whole weekend taking selfies and it was annoying.
My first thought: grow up
My second thought: that is the place in life you are in, and people you are around. Ok. I don’t have to jump to answer this, and it isn’t something I can relate to. It isn’t worth my time and that is fine.
That’s it. Seeing differences in others isn’t hard for me. But putting pressure on myself to be involved, and feeling I have no power over this, and then slowly being resentful – well that’s harmful.
I can get my power back.
– you’ve been trying to be okay with this “human characteristic”, trying to adjust to it, to not be angry- but you are angry and it is a big part of your ROAR.
When people display selfishness or any amount of inconsideration, those displays get magnified in your brain, magnified by the pre-existing hostile attitude
Yes it does. I have been trying to adjust to this, in first line. But it isn’t working. Instead I have to decrease my mental involvement with it. Observe these characteristics, but do not envelop myself in them. Disengaging will help. I assure you, and myself it will.
The hostility is harmful to me, it is harmful to my husband. He has mentioned many times how my view of people as generally “bad” has rubbed off on him these days, and it isn’t a good way to live. He is right. But I felt stuck then with that…
But now I see. That it is observation but not roaring at these qualities in people. It is shrugging and saying okay interesting. Not roaring and saying look SEE SEE I was Right!
You wrote about the first step to helping this, If I see someone doing something of that sort of Roar annoyance, think, it isn’t bad as the worst enemy of all. Nope, it is not.
Dear Anita,
Good morning. You are absolutely correct there were multiple women that irked me in July. Some of whom did things that were new and acute that were irking me at the moment, like the wife of the friend, and of course the beloved cousin. Sarcasm noted if you can’t tell LOL. It is interesting that you read this and brought it up, because last night when I was writing my last post, which perhaps you will finish this morning, I was thinking a lot about the concept of assertive language. I am so glad that this was brought up for me this summer, because it was such an important time for me to start learning how to assert myself. It first started with the true definition of what assertive means, and changing my own definition. And second, putting it in practice. Ongoing practice as we speak
It’s only been a short amount of time since July, but I was assertive with the mean lady at work, and it has transformed our interaction, and has made it more of a win-win truly. Bravo This is excellent. As far as the girl D, I had no interest in continuing a friendship with her, and looking back, the timing of my email wasn’t ideal, but I am glad I put something out there. She is someone who has no awareness, and does not seem to care how she comes off to others. I don’t need people like that in my life anymore. When I was younger we had some good memories, and that is fine it is the past. Done.
Cousin we already spoke about, no need to expand further. not worthy of anymore mental space.
My mother has shaped the way I interact with others. My mother has shaped the way I diminish what I truly need. There is an article on tiny Buddha this morning that I read, as I mentioned to you every once in a while – I do find some of these helpful. Usually parts of them. It talks about empathy, and how when you are an empathetic person you often have to shield yourself from harming your own self. The first quote on this article has something to do with, how an empathetic person doesn’t ask the other person what their wounds are, they quickly become wounded themselves. Well put, and quite a strong statement. This actually is relevant to what I’m going to say.
A lot of my conversation with you over the last two days has to do with this, when it comes to friendship. It’s funny that it doesn’t really correlate to marriage, which I will expand on a little bit later. If you ask my sister, especially, my mothers entire world was about friends. She desperately sought out making friends, and made it so that we would. That her daughters would go out there and conquer friendships. One of her biggest accomplishments In her own little peanut sized brain was that her daughter, me was so well liked, and had such a great social circle. It made her feel like she had one herself, and it is something that she was unable to do. We know this.
So back to the present, to expand on what I wrote last night, I have done a terrible job of knowing my own needs, and understanding how much I have on my own plate. It’s like walking around the world with a 25 pound dumbbell on your neck, and smiling, and when someone comes up to you and says hey, aren’t you tired you have so much weight on your neck, I say, oh that’s no big deal I’m used to it. I respond this way not because I’m being fake, but because I am truly used to it, and have no idea that I am allowed to remove that weight, or that more importantly, in time if I allow, that weight can slowly dissolve. That life isn’t about walking around with a 25 pound weight and being able to juggle everything and manage everything. Life is about being able to have my own freedom, and that it is possible to walk around wait for you, and a non-concept. So if you ask me again do you want to take off that weight, I would say, I don’t think I can it’s just a part of who I am.
False! See that’s it right there!
I never took even one second to assess what was going on in my own life. And give it credence. Never had the chance, never knew- no idea. Here’s a small and perhaps silly example, S had started dating this new person about a year ago. She is quite new to the serious dating world even although she is in her late 30s. She had a small argument with her boyfriend, and I remember her texting me one afternoon about it. She wasn’t saying anything alarming, she was just talking, it wasn’t like she was reaching out to me and saying help!It was as normal of a conversation about something like that as could be. But what did I do? I was in the middle of work at the hospital at the time, and I truly remember myself going into a corner during the 10 minute break I had, and spending at least five minutes of them texting her back. Giving her my input and making sure I was there. Now let’s look at the background scenario, I was working about a 12 hour day in the hospital operating room, out of that the amount of time I had a true break to myself was probably a total of 20 minutes. Above as seen was about 10 minutes, half the time. I took it upon myself to send her a text back about a small fight she was having with her boyfriend, making that a priority for myself, not because she asked me to. I sacrificed perhaps drinking water and getting nourishment in order to make sure that I was there for her. Crazy!
sound familiar?
I have gotten so used to doing this with the mother, that I extend this extreme priority to everyone. The thing is, it goes back to some of the other things we talk about these days, power. Sometimes it feels like I don’t even have power over this! As it has become such an ingrained habit, and I don’t know any other way. In the scenario above, there was nothing of urgency, I could have read the text and decided to reply later. Anyone else would, literally probably anyone else. I wasn’t mad that I did that, it was just my way. Like the 25 lb weight, that’s “just me.”But if you see this panning out, let’s say I did this every single day for two weeks, you better believe that by the end of the two weeks I would have much bigger headaches by the end of the day, more exhaustion, mentally at least. It is because I have given myself zero mental space throughout that day. None!
So this is the big thing. The reason S came to mind is because out of all my friends she has the most free time, she’s not very busy at work, she’s yet to get married and has no kids. Which is fine, but she has a lot of free time to reach out to people and talk. It doesn’t matter if it is S. It’s not about her at all. The point of the story is that I jump to these sort of things as though they are urgent priorities. I do it.
Let’s fast-forward a few months from the story I just told you above. It is February 2018. I am working in a different hospital right now about 10 hour shift and one hour drive home. One of the busiest hospitals in New York City, and perhaps the whole country. There are literally alarms going on all around me because patients are in dire conditions. Does it sound like a movie or a TV show? Yes, but a lot less glamorous.
Anyway, I now get a phone call from my father. OK. Now another one. Now a text, now a barrage of text. So of course, in this scenario unlike the prior one with the friend, I do truly believe that this is an urgent priority. Because my father is MAKING IT ONE. I drop everything and step aside and call him.
You know about the story, Anita it is the infamous one. It is Feb 13,2018.
It is interesting how I can Talk about it now as though it is history. As though it is a chapter in my book.
I call my father back and first thing I say is, is everything OK? I have had so many phone calls and text messages it seems like an emergency.
my father starts off with: ok well…..
I immediately know it is not an emergency at all, but just another manipulative tactic. Just like when my mother put up my father to pretend he was having chest pain just to make sure that her daughter was someone that would run in the middle of night to her. Nice trial right?
So as you know the rest of that story or perhaps I will refresh you, my father started talking about how my husband and I should not relocate to the other side of the country, and only bad daughters do this, and look at all of our cousins, all of them have stayed close to their parents. All of the parents are getting older and they will need the help of their children, us, in their old age. How selfish we are to even consider that. My mother screaming in the background. So much more to that story.
insanity.
2 PM on a working day in a terribly busy hospital, and he decides to start this Shakespearean monologue.
I keep my calm, when it comes to certain things I am excellent at keeping my calm, I will never allow my emotions to take over when I am in the workplace as my patients will always come first and I have become excellent at being able to focus on that above all – clearly an important learned tactic in this life and time for me.
I say to my father, you are a physician, as am I, and if you can’t hear there are alarms ringing all over me, do you think that this conversation is that can wait until the evening when I am home from work? I say each word loud and clear seething with anger and frustration about to blow the kettle -talking to him as though I was scolding a two-year-old.
he sounds all scared, Like a two-year-old who just bothered his mom at work. He goes on about well, you know these things are important…my mom still hysterical in the background.
Then I’ve had it I say, I have to go I will call you on my way home. I know at that very moment that when I call these people back, people, not parents as they no longer feel like parents – it will be the last time I ever talk to them again.
——
Anyway, I know I got carried away with that last bit, but it felt good to write it out again, this time as more of a historical anthology. Wow a lot of time has passed hasn’t it.
So, to wrap things up, I have not been given the power to say I am busy and I don’t have time for this. Perhaps a better word would be assertiveness, or awareness of my own life. I haven’t had power over my own life and how to spend my time. What things to respond to immediately and what things not to respond to immediately. Or better put, what people and situations to respond to immediately and what not to. Everything is now!
My father acted like a lunatic, And I promptly responded to him. My friend S didn’t act like anything at all but I still promptly responded to her. I promptly respond so often, but not to my own needs, or that of my husbands. There is something extremely wrong with that and a huge tide has to change in order for me to get back to what I need. Or not get back to – learn in the first place!!
It goes back to the roar and the power, I want that power to focus on what I need. Power that was stolen. I want it back! And I’ve been working on it, ever since July I’ve been working on it loads, I see the difference in myself, you also see the difference, you see the progress, and it will be ongoing work.
Surely, it doesn’t matter if we are talking about S, X, or Y, D, cousin, anybody.
I simply don’t have time for bulls***.
That’s it. I must remind myself that even if I have to tell myself this 1000 times a day. Once I understand this and believe this, I will not over inundate or over stimulate my brain with anything that is not necessary. When I say BS I use it to mean anything, whether it is drama or frivolous or anything. Anything at all that doesn’t need to be in my brain at that moment, and is taking away from peace. This is not selfish behavior, the old me would have thought so. It is not being too busy for other people.
It is being a da** adult. It’s about time. I am ready. Look in the mirror and see who I am, see the reality of my life, see the reality of my relationship with my husband, is there any space there? Is there? No. OK then that’s the answer
Dear Anita,
Good evening. I am not sure if you will read this after you post your own reply, or before. Regardless, I wanted to say some things to you in regards to our conversation today.
1) I don’t want to get too bogged down by the concept of S. See ,when I write about it I think it seems to be a much bigger thing or “issue” than what it really is. She herself is no issue at all, and a dear friend. Yet, if the concept of S leads to a talk about friendship, pressure, human behavior, etc – then yes, by all means it is a fruitful use of our time. I do not want to make either of our heads spin with conversation that isn’t useful or a win-win for our paths.
2) When I brought her up I didn’t mention a key aspect. She has loads of free time in comparison to me, as well as most of the other people I know. I bring this up because I – in my life- have been very accomodating to people who have much more free time, figuratively and literally – than my ownself.
Exhibit A: my mother
Endless amount of time, didn’t work – no true friends – no real hobbies. Constantly occupying herself with housework and drama. Now, I made myself readily available, downplaying my own busy-ness, priorities, and needs. Hence, I never learned how to make these aspects of my life a reality for me.
This is a key point that I did not touch on earlier, as it only developed in my brain as I went through my day and came home and observed myself. I am a busy person. Objectively. By the nature of my career, by the nature of my personality and what I take on. It does not mean I am better or superior, just someone with a full plate. This isn’t even touching on the healing path – this is just baseline life. I have not been able to truly realize the depth of this. Isn’t that almost funny! Like floating on through a life filled to the brim, over 10 years of rigorous medical training, and much more – but always quick to make time, and ensure that no one feels that I don’t have time for them.
So this is the habit, I want to always make time for others – and never be too busy. Being “too busy” seems wrong.
I feel guilty being “too busy” for someone. Major guilt.
And it stems from the under
But that is the thing, I don’t have to be “too busy.” I just have to be myself. “too busy” is a silly useless term that has no meaning. The reality of it is that I am busy, and for lack of a better term. I don’t particularly like the term busy as it has become so colloquially used to infer that someone is more important than another, or that they don’t want to make time. But there are objective inferences, as you likely understand. And today it made sense.
Myself is:
Someone who has a full plate, objectively, and beyond. So yes, I don’t have much time outside of what is truly important. Nope, I don’t. My friends/colleagues who have similar full plates for a variety of reasons don’t have much difficulty understanding and enunciating this about themselves. But I do. And this is apparent to me today. I will learn to appreciate this, and feel comfortable with this, and be able to appreciate this part of identity now. What part? The fact that I don’t have time to waste. I don’t have brain capacity to over fill with business that is not important to me. It is really true. It really is!
I must Not diminish it, but own it. Own it. Own the reality. This is a key point, that pertains to S, but more so, all of life.
Dear Anita,
I don’t know if I understand your first question. But I know I shared about her wedding and being annoyed at the outrageous price of her hotel rooms for that weekend, and how it wasn’t conscientious of guests. And how this quality of others, and their lack of awareness of it makes me annoyed. This was back in July this year.
2- I think she is the perfect example of a laid back genuine person. She is calm and kind and very supportive. S does not have extremely high awareness of her own self. This does not take away at all at the quality of her being a superb friend, it is more of an observation of her over the years. Some may even classify her as slightly “ditzy.” She is go with the flow and doesn’t get worked up about things. She met a guy to marry after years of dating, and she is glad and appreciative of that. She is someone who really appreciates people in her life. she is also someone who lets things go easily. She has had other friends in her life be flakey to her often, and she is very forgiving, and not confrontational. In some ways she can be a push over and passive – but this is also intertwined with her “picking and choosing” her own battles. I don’t find this to be a negative quality about her. She is very different than me in this way of easily letting things go – and being the “la la la go with the flow type.”
3- I can’t say that I have felt much distance from her even after moving away from Philadelphia as we have always done a godo job of keeping in touch. In addition she is low drama so there is never any pressure of me feeling I have to do X or Y to maintain a friendship. Any feeling like that of recent is my own self. The other thing is that, I know that S and I have many differences, but we still get along so well. You don’t have to be exactly like someone to get along, we appreciate each others differences in personality. We always have a fun time together no matter what we are doing, and find humor in so many things. We are bonded on many things such as yoga and dance, and I do miss the time I spent with her in college on the dance team, that is how we met and became good friends.
4 – I don’t remember feeling angry at her personally for anything she has done. I do know i have felt annoyed as the first example above states. But that is a general annoyance at people who “don’t always think about others.”
She has made it such a point that this wedding is on a budget in some ways – but what about the budget of others? I would be worried to ask if others need to spend over $350 to stay at a hotel for my wedding, I would feel ashamed to ask this of others. but most people dont worry about such – they focus on what works for themselves. This is a common theme in life – and it doesn’t make me dislike her, or be angry at her – it is just a human characteristic many people have.
Dear Anita,
I did want to add one thing to came in mind right after I clicked submit – as this often happens.
I notice that a big reason I didn’t wake up worried or focused about anyone else is the following:
Throughout my life, I have over-stimulated and over-inundated and over-extended myself. Not sometimes, ALWAYS. So much so that it became my normal. And to give myself space, felt not normal, and felt odd or wrong.
Living in this new space, just like the conversation from the weekend, can feel foreign. And as you say, it isn’t changed enough if it doesn’t feel odd/weird, or another doesn’t notice it.
So…I notice that I have over-inundated by already full brain with so much nonsense.
S going on and on about frivolous details about her wedding, X talking about this gossip, Y complaining about that.
And I didn’t think to myself ever – wait I don’t have to be involved in this – I HAVE A CHOICE!
I can choose not to respond. I can choose to not engage – to disengage. And the other person won’t be offended! They won’t care at all! As they aren’t sitting their worried about me/my involvement in the first place – they are just talking! So nothing to feel guilty about! See CC nothing to worry about!
THIS will remove a tremendous amount of guilt, duty feeling, and most of all over-stimulation of the brain.
THIS works – I will continue. Disengaging works for sure.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 