Dear Anita,

I wanted to write a second post this morning to tell you the following.  I want to journal it as these moments are fleeting often, but so important:

I woke up feeling, cool, calm, and centered.  I enjoyed my morning routine, although rushed, not frenzied.  I had a good quick interaction with my husband before he was on his way to work, and put some things away quickly before I headed out the door.

I woke up feeling good.  It is that simple.  Not worried, not frenzied, and not focused on anyone else.

It was nice, and  I look forward to more moments like this, and perhaps days, and even more!

Dear Anita,

Good evening.  I apologize, I did not see your last post until just now.  I think the email notification for the post I had confused with the prior, not knowing there was a new one.

Well, I am glad I read it just now – as it gives me some food for thought.  I have a few thoughts in mind as to where this guilt/pressure comes from.  It is not related to S personally, it is more of a concept about me.  I will let myself think about this over night.

For now the thoughts that come to mind are the following:

1) I know in my rational mind that at this stage in my life I am not going to “lose” a valuable friend like S.  Ironically any friends I have “lost” in the last year have been entirely by my own choice.  However, perhaps the concept of “always trying so you don’t lose something” comes into play here.  Ironic again, that this did not translate into romantic relationships and now marriage.  Parrot did not teach: with marriage comes hard work, and you have to always put in effort and bring your best self forward to maintain it.  Nope, quite the contrary.  More about – marriage is some sort of destination – and some people get lucky and others don’t.  The end.  What BS!!! I digress.

So perhaps deep down inside there is a feeling of, well she is the last great friend I do want to keep, so perhaps I “should do more.”  Once again entirely self induced given that she is extremely understanding and never ever the type to pressure.

2) I am not just used to being social.  I enjoy it.  This is not a bad thing. SCC, yes can be toxic.  But enjoying the concept of others, more the merrier attitude, etc – in and of itself is not bad.  Yet, we come to this point in the healing path for ME.  And that is just it.  It isn’t about what is good or bad, it is what is appropriate for me, right now, in this state, in this part of the path, in this state of my marriage, at this moment.  Now.  And that doesn’t necessarily coincide with the “innate way I have been living.”

Yes, I am the type to enjoy being friendly – to open my home easily, to not feel that things have to be formal.  Friendly social CC, and SCC – what are the differences?

You mentioned last week the concept of being extroverted, but what is the MOTIVE behind being extroverted?

I thought about it a lot.  I notice that in my most truest innate self – I am an extrovert.  This does not mean I do not like alone time – it is that it is just me.  But super extrovert, SCC – now that is something else.  And that line can get blurry.  It also goes back to the concept of thinking before speaking, thinking before acting, and thinking about what does CC truly need right now?

CC never thought about what she needs right now.  It wasn’t much of an issue growing up.  I had good friends, many outlets of activities, and a good adolescent life that way.  College the same – being social wasn’t something I sought out – it was the nature of my life, dance team, roommates, neighbors, college get togethers and parties and so forth.  None of it during this time seemingly SCC.  The SCC role I definitely picked up more in medical school (not to say it wasn’t born MUCH earlier – but the distress related to it, and the active SEEKING was prominent at this time when I was no longer a teenager and seeking out social activity was a choice and not just baseline as a kid).  SCC developed in medical school, and SCC was 10000% my way of coping with any distress.  Now, once again, of course these behaviours started way early on – growing up in a household where healthy coping mechanisms were not entertained, and hysteria, anger, and seeking others were normalized.

So in my 20s not only did I really become this SCC, I thrived off of it.  Having fun was the MO.  Sitting with my feelings was not.  And if and when I did “try” to do so – it never seemed to “work” and so I would quickly go back to SCC once again.  Of course that is because there was a life time of trauma building that I had no idea of back then.

So anyway back to present day question.  Well I am used to being social.  I enjoy it.  SCC not so much.  Perhaps It is that out of the people I do have in my life, that I now choose actively.  And some of which I have without choice (such as that cousin – but will choose at events to not engage with deeply) – I have such fond memories with S, and a truly heartfelt great time.

Perhaps sometimes I just miss good old lighthearted fun.  Girl talk, laughing.  It has been a while in some ways – and yes I have this with my sister, but of course it is different with a college friend.  Not closer, just different.  Life has been so heavy, the type of work I do, the events through July and August, many “ugly” people shining their head.  It is simply nice to have lighthearted girl time with someone who doesn’t have a lot of drama, and is an overall positive energy person.

But guilt and pressure…well.  I think it is also because S was really there a lot for me throughout my life, and during the wedding time.  Perhaps I feel subconscious guilt to be there for her more now, in a way to give back or be equal.  Once again not because she asked.  In fact we have talked openly and she has said: “take all the time you need, it’s fine if you can’t make it to X or Y I totally understand, I am happy if you are there and involved, but do what is best for you always”

And that is a very very good friend.  I am lucky for that.  But my mother made such a big deal about how good people are hard to come by, and how so many people out there are bad or “users” that perhaps knowing that I have this good friend, I feel the need to give back more.  Maybe that is apart of it. But in rational mind and reality, I am  a wonderful friend right back to her, and it has nothing to do with how much we physically see each other.  I know this.

Dear Anita,

Okay I will write what comes to mind, mind thoughts:

“oh I she hasn’t been over! she has visited her other friends in nyc, but haven’t had achance to stay with me – i miss that time, i wanna make time for it.

but counter thought – husband and I don’t have full weekends for people to visit anytime soon, and summer was crazy, she gets that, she never asks, it’s just in my own head

another one…

“oh i miss my quality time with her,  i know we never will lose touch we have a strong bond, but i miss our quality time together, we had so much fun last week together – i want to schedule more soon.  i guess it isn’t about losing touch it’s just missing that quality time.

“i feel bad that she hasn’t been over, she is so good about making time and scheduling around me, i feel bad i haven’t been able to give her a whole weekend in over a year.

Dear Anita,

The key point being :

child witnesses her mother getting positively excited over the prospect of CC going to another home

CC believes to make her mother happy, she must continues these endeavors.

When she is an adult, even if her mother is not in the picture – it is deeply ingrained.  Go elsewhere – make mom happy – you must, to make mom happy.

Now, current CC is not just tired, she is bitter.  Bitter that she had to keep going elsewhere to make mom happy! And even if she did, mom never WAS HAPPY! But she can’t turn it off.

She is sick and tired, and wish she didn’t have this deeply ingrained.

Dear Anita,

Great exercise/idea – well timed.

The current me, what comes to mind:

I am in a state of transition.  I am a social being, but also heavily burnt out – and so have developed quite a good sense of protecting my time.  Yet, I often do still feel guilt of not being that “extender” that makes plans with friends always.  This has been my persona for so long, and so it will take time.  I notice I do have glimpses of fear – of not doing that.  I analyze it, and some of it is related to the concept of: “oh will I lose all my friends if I don’t try.” But then I know it isn’t true.  The other is simply feeling it is my duty.

I always have been very good/excellent at any job I was given, and so it feels odd to not “excel” at the job of being super friend.  

This is a key point, and it will take discomfort on my end to slowly relinquish this fear/guilt/uneasiness about this change – perhaps you have more to add to that, Anita…

So back to definition, I am going to close my eyes and type:

I am strong, tired and bright.  Tired and bright at the same time. I have a pep in my step but a worn out soul at the same time.  I am in transition of being a strong worry free adult.  Someone who does whatever she wants, chooses who she wants, when she wants, without guilt or shame.  So happy and confident in her decisions to promote inner circle, that nothing can get in her way.

 it doesn’t have the patience to stay present for each one of the steps. It rushes through.

This! I always feel like my brain is rushing ahead and too “fast” for myself to focus on a task such as folding a shirt and putting it away, it is racing ahead – and those small tasks can’t keep up so to speak – making them seem very difficult to do.

Thank you for noting my neat writing.  I am very well aware of my patterns these days.  Not to say its always so predictable.

I know now that about 10 days before my period I truly suffer.  This is PMDD, it is an unofficial diagnosis.  I also know that it isn’t out of nowhere – as I am predisposed to feeling worse during these days given my baseline anxiety and trauma.  I also know that certain months I feel worse during times that are entirely unrelated to my cycle – and that is the nature of the path.

Regardless, understanding PMDD has been instrumental.  My Gyn and I discussed an SSRI for use 10-14 days out of the month.  Some studies have shown immediate effect of these medications for PMDD.  And intermittent dosing allows the brain to have a break from using the medication daily.  As you know I have been on Lexapro in the past for about 9 months.  No clue as to if it helped as during that time – yes THAT time, year before wedding, things were so insane it is impossible to gauge.

I would be open to this dosing of this medication if I do find that this cyclical feeling becomes even more unbearable – and leads to too much suffering.  I am glad to have this option in my “toolbox.”

I notice that even in my writing to you, I am MUCH more frenzied during certain times – sometime they may coincide with this cycle, sometimes of course not, as life happens.  People can be triggering, jobs can be stressful, too many weddings, too many cousins.  Too much of Super Cali Chica.  Too much too much!

As we discussed yesterday, it has been helpful for myself to let go of the concept of “doing more.” To try to reach out and seek more.  Doing less is just what the doctor ordered for me, isn’t it.

It feels nice to know that I do understand now, what you have been saying for a while now – stop seeking. The first step is knowing and understanding, before regular practice.  Then the concept and life changes can be appreciated.

Sink and savor. 

Inner circle. 

Calm the frenzy, don’t rush.   

Dear Anita,

Moroccan fresh mint tea is my ALL TIME favorite, oh how I miss it – haven’t been able to have the same type back in the states.

I agree with your plan, and I will enjoy the orange slices as well – share your treat.

I do think one day I will be able to help and show and motivate.  I used to have anxiety and pressure about this, why am I not doing more – why am I not building more? I should make more use of my ability to speak and help others.

And now- I say no.  Right now is the time to learn to relax and heal.  To do less.

when the time comes, and I know it will be right -as I will feel it – then and only then, will I do more…

Dear Anita,

I don’t drink coffee daily, as I tend to get headaches easily, and withdrawal headaches if I am on it daily.

Wow, you are a strong coffee drinker!

I won’t likely drink strong coffee before cleaning, I am SO sensitive to caffeine.  I used to drink caffeine daily throughout medical school and residency – but still very sensitive.  So perhaps a nice Early Grey tea before cleaning to give me a boost.

Sometimes caffeine can make me very jittery and tense, emulating that activation/excitation that as we know is distressing.

I thought a lot about our exchange from yesterday, great topic that was brought up.  Emotional regulation.

I thought a lot about moments where I was unable to emotionally regulate.  Often looking back and thinking that the person triggering me was so severe that I could not let the concept go.  But now realizing that regardless, it is my own capability to regulate to the next neutral.  It is a must – not to say it is easy.

To be able to dim the switch back down reduces distress, and creates a neutral peaceful environment.  I have an even greater appreciation for that now after what we spoke about.

I also think about the concept of not allowing distress to boil over.  Containing it.  If someone was irritating at work, allowing it to brush off before say heading onto the subway.  If someone was irritating on the subway, allowing it to brush off before heading into the house — etc.

How important these concepts are for controlling my OWN distress, not to mention not project onto my husband.

I didn’t realize – as I have mentioned before- that I actually had CONTROL over these things.  I grew up believing that if i felt a certain way, that’s just how it was.  I hear the mother voice saying: “well of course I feel this way, look what happened!!!” roaring with agony and entitlement.

So that’s how it went — Now, not to say that I haven’t been extremely resilient in my life.  But the rumination and inability to contain distress is quite a new thing for me. edit: as in the ability to control rumination and ability to have contain

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.