Dear Anita,

Yes ice accidents are a concern – be very very careful and take it easy!

I am not worried about Dr. T lying, its more of – what are you doing? Are you in or out?

Sure, his dad may have had the stroke – but Dr. T what is your long term plan?

Regardless that overhead is high, been high – we see the numbers – but Dr. T has been able to make a decent living we have seen all the financials.  Issue is the time now is different perhaps for a new guy like my husband.  And as the doctor yesterday said, it is a cut throat environment.

I think my husband in many ways feels like he is “grieving” the concept of not moving to CA.  He knows deep in his heart it is not the best decision.  But the allure is there, the lifestyle is there, and getting out of the northeast does have an appeal.

Dear Anita,]

You are absolutely correct about the calculated risk part.  I also agree about the fear aspect and seeing this current job in a different light.  But here’s the thing, that perhaps I did not mention.  His department (subspecialty) is currently in the growth phase.  Some older surgeons retired and they have hired new ones (such as my husband and one 2 years prior who is his colleague and now friend – nice person and i’ve met his wife a few months back).  They are re-building it many ways, which takes a lot of time esp when it comes to large nyc hospitals (as you can imagine).  In the past few months, they have hired a new physician’s assistant, and other staff members.  These changes have already started to help my husband somewhat.  When he spoke to th chairman to give his notice, he did mention certain aspects of the job that were difficult such as the need for more staff such as PA, and the rigorous call schedule.  The chairman noted that they would be hiring more PAs and hopefully another surgeon in the next year, to reduce the burden on my husband and his colleague.

That being said, these things do not change the: patient population, and the overall daily struggles that go with an inner city setting type hospital.  Yet, he believes that once he gets things like his own PA, a new secretary, etc – some of the daily nitty gritty annoyances will be reduced.

I can see that.

BUT (huge but) the overall demographic remains the same.  I will say though, sometimes with the right set up (staff, and subspecialty organization) even the most difficult hospital positions can be become okay since there is a reliable daily/regular flow.  it takes away th need to “hustle” per say.

It all depends on the person, and what they are looking for.

you are right, will he/can he survive the move.

I think in so many ways – why throw such a huge stressor (and yes it is a stressor) onto him at this point in our lives.  What he craves is more peace…what we crave is more peace.  But I see the calculated risk, and the long term potential for more peace perhaps in SD…

Oh my!

Dear Anita,

I agree entirely, entirely.

Especially the aspects of family.

The concept of San Diego is as follows.  My husband will be salaried for the first year.  If he “meets his overhead costs” he gets a percentage of the profits after that.  After that year it is the private model of eat what you kill as we discussed.  This can be anxiety provoking and leads to the idea of having to make sure you are busy enough of course.  Whereas in this NY job, he has a steady flow of patients coming in, and will always have the base salary.  He too here can make a bonus each year if he goes above a certain overhead  as well.  Slightly similar in the productivity bonus aspect.

Another part of SD is that the other person who does exactly what my husband does – is now backing off a little from practice.  Not retirement but approaching that.  He stated he is going to lessen his hours, and give my husband the overflow of patients he has, as he has a long waiting time already.  That would be beneficial for my husband as it seems he wouldn’t have trouble being busy day 1.  But of course you never know – and that is the whole point of moving somewhere new – you are starting fresh!

So that goes along with the emotional aspect of things – going somewhere new and starting from scratch — versus continuing what is known and stable.

Next point, we have decided that if and when we have kids, I will work part time.  This would be possible in both environments, and my job opportunities are slightly better in nyc (more because it is a bigger city and more hospitals of course, and just more of everything).  So therefore we would be relying more on his income.  So the question comes in to play – would it be better in that sense to stay in a place where there is that stable guaranteed salary long term.  Or on the flip side, it doesn’t seem like SD would be that difficult to get busy anyway – but of course more of an unknown.  That is the other point that we discuss often.

Dear Anita,

Good day!

I read your last post and it reads perfectly to me.  I sum it up in this:

have fun, but don’t get too deep

It is best for her and I both, win-win.  Looking back when I got too deep, with her feelings about friends or this or that – I would take on this extra stress which is unnecessary and unhealthy – and lose-lose.  I will no longer do that.

Enjoy time with the puppy, know it may bite – but know that when you are doing playing with the puppy, it is okay to walk away and say see ya later!

———-

Back to the move aspect of things.  So now we don’t have as much pressure of “we already told his job here we are moving so that’s that”

We will spend the next week or 2 (given holidays are here there’s a lot of other things going on) to really let it all sink in.  It will truly be a difficult decision to make, and there are a lot of pros to each side.

I wonder how we will come to a conclusion!! I truly do!

Dear Anita,

How exciting! Yes, indeed.  This break will be very much a breath of fresh (cold!) air!  I am not getting to worried about my plan for after January!

Yes, I wonder what that new is for you – maybe 2020 will bring some insight about it…

Continue the conversation I shall, head does hurt – but I will type what I can.

So, the conversation with his parents went very well as expected.  They were very unbiased and supportive, and fantastic listeners (as always).  The thesis of the weekend was that there needs to be time.  Time is essential – and give it time so you can assess.  Often you never know the answer, but it is always worth giving yourself more space to analyze as much as you can – in a career oriented situation.

So that is what we did, we got some more time.  I am very appreciative of his chairman’s response to my husband – very reassuring.

So what’s more…

I thought a lot about the conversations about my sister over the weekend.  I know I can’t “blame” her for my behavior when I am around her – but I do know that I have to accept the fact of: we were raised in a household of sickness, our interaction is based on sickness.  There is resentment and anger within each one of us.

I also learned, from our conversations – that her manner of communication is a lot more hidden than mine.  This elucidated the reason why I would end up feeling so uneasy and uncomfortable many times.  Like being bit, but then instantly being told that the puppy is a sweet dog from the shelter, don’t get angry at it.

So then not only do you feel guilty for being upset/angry – you invalidate your own feelings of unease.  Double whammy –> double distress.

I know she can not be apart of my inner circle.  I know my distance will create alarm in her.  I also know it will create alarm in me.

You made a note about the concept of “primal love.” And how it originates from primitive, preverbal, infant.  I think about what you said – how often this sort of thing can be an obstacle.

I think about the “love” and attachment I had for my mother – instant of course as a newborn, and evolving as I grew with her.  It wasn’t like I ever woke up one day and asked myself: “do I love my mother?” No! I would have said of course!!

Similarly, I didn’t give my relationship with my sister much of an “option” from my own end, as you know.

I do hope to establish a good balance of “closeness with boundaries” — but I do know it will go through some growing pains prior of gaps, space, and change.

I think I have in my life, communicated a lot, likely over-communicated many times — not to the right source.  As in, am I explaining things to someone that has the capacity to understand? I think it is important going into 2020 as an adult (not child) to know that staying strong by your goals (no not career and growth – but health and peace) means truly not worrying what the other person thinks.  Some of the strongest most “stable” people in my life do a good job of just simply saying “no!” and nothing more…

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Good morning.  Bad headache today – combination of the stress plus the longer hours at work – but you know what?! My last day is Dec. 31! Hurray!

Regardless of what we do –  I will be done with this draining job, at least I can celebrate that!

Here are some updates:

My husband was feeling uneasy, as you know, and did feel in a way that we “jumped the gun” in giving notice to his job.  They have been extremely supportive of the decision (his boss the chairman) and sad to see him go.  He felt last week a palpable discomfort.  We decided with my in laws this weekend that the best thing to do is give some time.  This is not the sort of decision to make in a hasty state when you don’t feel entirely prepared.  You know, it may take an extra day or week – whatever it is, but time is time.

Anyway, today my husband went to his chairman and was completely honest about his hesitations about moving, and perhaps interest to stay, etc.  He was happy to hear this (the chairman and said a few things). He can take his time to make his choice, and if he decides SD and is not happy there – he can come back anytime, he will be welcomed back and has a job waiting for him.

The great thing about his position here in nyc is that this chairman has always been great, sure the intricacies of the job are not all dependent on him…

I am glad for this update – and it will put my husband at ease too

Dear Anita,

I read the first 2 lines of your post – yes! I did go back and re-read and sink in.

Today is a busy, no almost inhuman day.

There! I said it! Admitting things out loud without feeling guilty, or needing it to  be validated!

Yes, 20 cases, hardly time to use the bathroom, literally running between patients.  Head kiling me, back hurting me.

Oh how glad I am that there are only a few more weeks of this – something I learned is that – it will be impossible for myself to feel calm, healed, and un-frenzied in my life if half my days are like this.  Not possible.

I could not read any further as I am not very focused today.  But I will loop back around to the above post on Monday.

I will be here at work until very late, and then tomorrow morning we are heading to my in laws to have many discussions as you know.  Wish us luck!

I will write to you first thing Monday and comment on above post and fill you in on the important weekend.  Be well Anita, and rest well this weekend and have fun.  Thanks as always for your support!