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Cali Chica

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  • December 26, 2018 at 6:24 am in reply to: Self Trust #270943
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate, during this time of year. Over the last month and a half since we have last spoke, there have been many times where I sat down to write to you, but nothing came out. Or something came out, but I didn’t feel like what I really wanted to say.
     I had a wonderful trip, however it does feel so far away now, it has only been one month since it passes. real life has gone back to such a high pace that it is often hard to savor those memories.  I would like to tell you more about my trip, but perhaps in a later conversation, as it is not in the forefront of my mind.
    We moved to New York City about two weeks ago, it was the best decision for us, and I feel truly glad for moving here and not to the other side of the country. Prior to moving here, I spent some time living with my in-laws. I think I have mentioned that before, they are truly kind and supportive people. They do give me an example of what true supportive, unconditionally loving parents are like. I know that everyone is not lucky enough to experience this, and I do feel grateful that I can at least experience this through my husband, as having them as in law’s now.   I would also like to add more about that later as well – as the experience taught me a lot
     My sister has moved to New York City as well for a job 2 weeks ago. I have spent a lot of time going over many of the things that we have spoken about in regards to my sister Today and yesterday.  It has been quite overwhelming, and this is why when I say I will talk about the other things at some other time, it is because my entire brain revolves around my sister at this time.  This is not because of anything that she is doing personally TO me, but it is because of how I have been programmed. It is like I become obsessed with her progress and path, and I lose myself. It is not unlike my mother, feeling like I have to be her Savior. But like you said all this does is enable her behavior, it doesn’t lead to her or anyone’s progress. I do have to let her go and find her own journey, It cannot be my burden and responsibility.  I am learning how to have this boundary. Once again I can not blame her for any of this, as I am doing this to myself – it is me who has to take a step back and allow her to find her path

     

    My husband and I had a wonderful time living with his parents, and our one month trip was delightful. It was exactly what we needed, there were no distractions from other people, problems, or anything of that sort. It couldn’t have been at a better time. We also feel very happy about our decision to move here to New York City like I said. As you know we were considering Southern California, but for a variety of reasons decided against it. We are now stil close to all of our friends and family, (meaning his family.) This is very important.
     Over the last week however, I see him and I going back into some of our old patterns, and this is because of the way I become around my sister, I feel quite engrossed in her, and feel like I cannot focus on anything else. I take on her story  to be my own – and suffer. This is quite reminiscent of how I was with my mother. Given that I was ingrained in these patterns I know the root of them, but I do know that I have to do a lot of work to change them. The answer with my mother was going to contact, which was the best way. After which They terrorized my sister to NO end -leading to a lot of suffering for her as a result.  The way they treated her when she was living at home for the last few months was horrendous, because their entire goal was to get information about me. It was a very difficult time for her. Thus, in many ways I tried my best to be there for her too – supported her to find her own path. However, I know that there is only so much I can do. She no longer is living with them, and is starting her own chapter in NYC as well.    I remember a long time ago you mentioned that it wouldn’t be the best idea for us to live in the same city. I think about this every day. But I also think about, in a way it almost doesn’t matter. Because if she lived outside of this area or on the other side of the country, I too involved myself with her day in and day out as well.  This happened a year ago when she was living 2000 miles away, I found myself absorbed by her stuff constantly, and she did feel the same about me when I was having a tough time with my mother.
    I also think about how there is a difference between supporting someone and enabling them, and I was guilty of enabling her in the last.
    If I don’t preserve myself and create boundaries -once again it will be like what we spoke about 1 year ago –  It will be the same patterns. I always come back to. you always say, my first and foremost priority should be my husband and future family. No matter what. I finally know what this means Anita, and I was able to put this in action over the last two months when we were living with his parents and while we were on vacation. It was wonderful to finally see what that felt like. It felt like a great combination of comfort, and inward self focus.
    However over the last two weeks I have lost that in many ways, because I have been so engulfed with my sister my focus on my husband and my own self has gone out the window. It is like the way I used to live when my mother was in the picture, I was not living intentionally, or being present. My mind is always racing with 1 million other things that I wasn’t fully living at all.
    I woke up today and thought about how one of the worst shames in this world is having a great life, but not being able to enjoy it, appreciate it, or be present. in some way  it’s almost worse than having a bad life because you aren’t able to appreciate the good fruits that have been offered to you – which creates even more frustration and despair.
     I have felt like this many times in my life, and over the last few days I have felt like this again, I know it is vital that I get my self back on track like I was two months ago, focused on myself and my husband.
     I Have done so much hard work to get there, I have even done the courageous act of cutting my parents out of my life, if I can do that I can do anything. I just need to get back on track
    November 11, 2018 at 9:20 am in reply to: Self Trust #236371
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I thought of you today as I read about the northern California fires. I am across the world – but hope you are okay.

    Be well- talk more soon

    October 30, 2018 at 9:35 pm in reply to: Self Trust #234615
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    we are now proceeding to the second leg of our trip – adventure and excitement. I will write to you when I am in NY. Yes Anita I will enjoy with my partner In life. And keep your words with me everyday.

    Hope you are well – all the best for the next few weeks. 🙂

    October 30, 2018 at 7:43 am in reply to: Self Trust #234503
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes, that superhuman energy, that zest, that unique ability to dream (like yourself in 2011) that gives us the fuel to first seek the path, and second remain on it. What a great concept, thank you for pointing that out.

    On the topic of coping, I decided it is not about eradicating anxiety, but in developing coping mechanisms.  As you said, anxiety is the human condition. But mis-coping does not have to be. I have the ability to learn to cope, slowly but surely.

    Yes, I am currently in Capetown. So far away! It is an amazing place, breezy and beach like California, relaxed and scenic like Australia, and cosmopolitan and trendy like Paris. It has so much – but without a touch of pretentiousness. Which is my favorite part. You can have the best sandwich you’ve ever had, but it’s served casually with a smile and no hype or pretense.

    It makes for a relaxing experience as this ambience and energy is such. We are of course a product of our surroundings to a point, no matter how great we are at being “inward” focused. I am having a wonderful time. A mixture of adventurous activities, and down time. My husband and I finally have the much needed time to enjoy, explore, and sink and savor.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Cali Chica.
    October 29, 2018 at 11:12 pm in reply to: Self Trust #234439
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    the old pathways easily get activated, and we have to gently and patiently re-introduce the new pathways, the new understanding, into the old”-

    Good morning. This is worth repeating again. As is what you mentioned before I left for my trip, how it is important to have someone you trust – as this journey is difficult to do alone.

    How has your husband been a role in your path?

    for me, as you know my relationship was affected by my mother directly. And now that’s she’s not there physically – it has left wounds. Yet, now that I have shifted gears to focus on him and I above all – it is life changing. I gave myself permission to do so – and I learned from your wisdom when you told me early on to focus on my husband and nurture that relationship.

    We realized the concept of here and there. That happiness was over there not here. And how profound. I also realized that all the years I was chasing things/people to find happiness I was attempting to satiate the bottomless mother voice. A coach Who changed colors daily like a chameleon.

    Lastly fear has been a large part of it all.

    In the last post you wrote anxiety is the human condition, and when we see people as healthy and happy it is their break. I understand this. And especially in today’s world where image is everything.

    Yet, I know some of us have been abused and traumatized more – and thus suffer more. Individuals like you and I have the task of rewriting our pathways – and staying on the path. But, it is not better or worse – just different.

    I know for me fear was (and still is at times) everywhere. I remember my mothers face looking desperate and full of fear – do this she would exclaim or you’ll have this ____ bad outcome.

    I now recall myself emulating this hysteria and desperation as a young adult one day, and my mothers response – oh god I can’t handle you, you are uncontrollable, who acts like this? Or perhaps what’s worse, oh look at us – what happens to us, what terrible luck

    so all I knew is to not cope but “Mis-cope” to cope ineffectiveness. It was learned. Yet when I coped this way I was ridiculed or given the woe is me, look at your situation. How sad for us. How sad for my daughter.

    Never ever once realizing I had a choice in how to act, cope, or deal. Nope life just happened to us. We had no role.

    Yet when it came to EVERYTHING else I had a role – a super role – a super human role. My role was to be the best friend student daughter sister etc etc. and I did it. I did and did and did  Yet, I never coped any better. In fact the coping got worse and worse. And in fact, life got worse. The mother voice got worse. The mother herself got worse.

    So now – when I relinquish the role of over- doing.  Coping doesn’t come automatic. I must understand that. I do believe I am doing a great job given the timeline, yet I am only human.

    Fear was apart of my life in every way. Fear, misery, and lack of control in how to deal with life.

    So now that I have given up the superhuman role, hopefully I can adopt the role that was always missing. The role of taking control of my own self and life.

    October 29, 2018 at 8:40 am in reply to: Self Trust #234291
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i did repeat it to myself many times today.

    I wanted to share something else I thought about today. Prior to now, anxiety was a blur, it wasn’t that it was me or wasn’t me – it was just there. It wasn’t easy to pick out as it was embedded within me, perhaps I felt it was me.

    I see now, today, and hopefully continue to with practice – that like any other illness, anxiety is a disease state. There is a difference between acute and chronic in medicine, which I am sure you understand – as I do. The issue with chronic disease states is that it is difficult to decipher where they end and where they begin. It is difficult to say what is the disease, and what is you. Which brings me to the point. Who am I? If I am not chronically anxious, then I am the person who lives and breathes outside of the anxiety. Sure I am all of it. But most importantly I am not my fears.

    I say this because I had a few very scared anxious days recently, some of which I shared. Now they have gone. I’m sure they will return again in time. As is the case with anxiety or disease.

    Yet, when you wake up under the weather- you tell yourself that. You tell others that. You know it isn’t your baseline state. You know you are unwell. You also know it won’t last forever.

    But with anxious days it is hard to know the same. In that moment it is so compelling that the fears are true, that it is reality, that it is you. That it is now and perhaps forever.

    I see now that anxiety may not be that different than feeling under the weather for a few days, if the anxiety does pass – like mine does now.

    The more I live, the more I experience, the more I observe- the more I can see this anxiety for what it is —and the more I can see myself for who I am. They are not one and the same.

    October 29, 2018 at 12:55 am in reply to: Self Trust #234187
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for reminding me this, as I am beginning to learn now this is inevitable. It’s not mistakes, just a natural course of the path

    the old pathways easily get activated, and we have to gently and patiently re-introduce the new pathways, the new understanding, into the old.

    October 27, 2018 at 11:43 am in reply to: Self Trust #233743
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    After I wrote the above to you I had a lightbulb. I know why I felt so uneasy about sending those emails and reaching out to friends. And why it took over me. I think it’s the following –

    So here I am always being taught that we aren’t good enough and we have to seek outside of ourself to be happy. And good isn’t here it’s over there.

    So now I feel that if I’m doing something happy (such as vacation) I shouldn’t have a need to look over there. Anywhere else.

    And so if I do (for example send this email). I get angry at myself. I feel. Cali chica  don’t you know good is over here. Just focus on here. No need to be distracted or look anywhere else

     

     

    October 27, 2018 at 11:07 am in reply to: Self Trust #233733
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for liking that line.

    Today i had a beautiful day in the sun. But I didn’t feel the same. Today I felt very scared and anxious and also vulnerable. Something that may seem small, I wrote a quick note to a friend wishing her a happy birthday party this evening. And one to a few others. It was odd, as I am not sure why I did this. I guess a few friends Of mine had said send us a picture so I did – and added a quick note.

    I then felt foolish for doing so. I felt like – I told myself I wouldn’t communicate much while I’m here, as it helps me stay focused on my husband when I don’t. I also felt foolish because I thought, if those people were on this vacation they wouldn’t be sending me a message – they would be too busy enjoying themselves and focused on each other.

    Many old feelings and toxic thoughts cycled back. I felt oberwhelmed by them and anxious and a little sad too. I tried to observe, but I felt uneasy the whole day.

    October 25, 2018 at 3:13 am in reply to: Self Trust #233159
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am glad to share my vacation experience thus far with you.  The idea of sharing has changed a lot for me.  Sharing prior was often many pictures and explanations of my day to friends – and above all my mother. sharing with my mother was a great part of my life.

    one may think there is a gap or void where that once was, but its quite the opposite, it doesn’t feel strange, it feels more normal. it makes me realize that prior, it was always effort – although it felt natural or habit – it was effort.  I learned that effort doesn’t always appear to be work or deliberate, it can feel like a normal pattern – but be effort nevertheless.  it was always effort to share and involve my mother, it felt joyous, but was it? no it was not.  it was robotic

    I see it different now.  I see it as a bigger picture, instead of many small things. akin to seeing a marriage as one or two large statements, versus focusing on some good days with the spouse and some bad days.  the good and bad change, and ebb and flow – however, the large blanket statements, when they speak the truth – remain.  the truth is the truth. it remains the same.

    so yes, I see it differently.  I see that I was always trying to live for myself and for my mother, that sounds like 2 lives doesn’t it? or at least 1.5.  to have to live your life and double that, wow how exhausting.  and to do that all the time.  I had to have joy for myself and enough to pour over onto my mother, who was in dire need of such.  yes, I needed all that life and joy and then some. always more always extra…

    and then I wondered, or felt sad if I didn’t get it. wow! but who in this world has that?! and who in this world truly needs that?! in fact it is impossible – and not reality. to live for yourself simultaneously and for someone.  to have enough for yourself and enough to pour over. it felt like shooting for the stars.  but it wasn’t.  it was a hopeless tragedy. it was false.

    and that it is it – it was delusion not reality.  what I felt I needed and wanted was delusion.  it was fed to me and trained in me. it was not reality, and it was not possible.

    my responsibility in this life is to be a good human and to experience joy for myself, and have enough of a good heart to hopefully influence those around me in a positive way, and help them when in need.  my role is not to live for others, in place of others.  my role may be to feel for others, but not on behalf of them – as they too, can feel for themselves.

    we must all feel for ourselves first – if we also feel for others at times, great – but first we have to know our own self.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Cali Chica.
    October 24, 2018 at 9:39 am in reply to: Self Trust #232985
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am fantastic! I am currently in South Africa! We decided to come here for some of our one month off!

    a beautiful country full of nature, wildlife, vineyards, beaches, mointains, and forests. Literally everything you could ask for!

    It is nice to getaway here. I am pretty much unplugged. Aside from the message here or there, or this!

    It has taught me a lot. To enjoy what I am doing – versus focusing on SHARING what I am doing. Oh how before it felt it was only real If it was shared – how juvenile, and how outward.

    Anyway- we have an entirety of one month off to travel. I feel very grateful for this time to explore and live. Deeply and fully. As I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

    I know that feeling full is not needing too much, to be satiated is to have just the right amount to fill you. Over filling does not mean over experiencing. Visiting foreign countries you often notice the concept of balance, satiety, and equilibrium. Whether it comes from the respect for nature, food portions and ingredients, or concept of  what makes a good life.

    Often I would admire this to the point that I would lament the existence of my life back home. I have touched on this several times.

    This time I know / not all ways of life are transferable- and to wish such would cause distress. However it is important to appreciate the experiences and people you meet, and carry them in your heart.

    And that is just it. I carry in my heart an ability to feel okay, to not necessarily need many people or things anymore. As above, the idea of what is enough is only entirely up to you in that moment. If in that moment It feels okay- then it’s rihht. It’s that simple. No need to look far. We are our own best compass and guide. Homeostasis we maintain in our body and mind- if we allow it. If we don’t overpower it with worry, greed, and impatience. I do hope my life of outward living and focus on “there” not here is slowly dwindling. Of course patterns take time, and there are moments I feel no different – and others I feel not close to the same.

    It is all a perspective of our mind. We can be happy with whatever we allow ourselves to be. So let us give ourselves permission to not need much more.

    Talk soon – and wish I could send a picture!

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Cali Chica.
    October 14, 2018 at 8:28 am in reply to: Self Trust #230903
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for sharing your story about interrupting. I can say I have had a similar scenarios quite often.

    I have never heard you say husband. In fact I did not know you were married! I knew you did have a compassion/friend/supporter of some sort.

    Wow! So no wonder you are able to give me so much advice of the importance of having a good relationship with my husband. I hope you have a good one with yours.

    October 14, 2018 at 7:57 am in reply to: Self Trust #230897
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i forgot to concept of feeling equal. I too feel the same often. Higher and lower, neither of which are the true case at any given time.

    Tecently with this practice I have felt more centered or “normal”. Whether that is equal I am not sure – but it makes me feel that I am more of a balanced human like perhaps many others.

    I feel this way because I notice my own power. Mothers like ours steal our power and take it as their own, they thrive off of power and control so they take it in any way possible and stop at nothing.

    But now I am starting to see my power. I used to confuse my anger as power – as anger is quite powerful, the rage can will to conquer – the fury can will you to plow through.

    But anger eats away at you, and all you have left is defeat and exhaustion.

    I now see more subtle power.

    The power to say yes and no (like choosing wisely)

    the power to enjoy the day without letting someone adulterate it

    the power to say what I am and what I have are enough.

    Feeling enough is powerful.

    October 14, 2018 at 7:46 am in reply to: Self Trust #230895
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    choose wisely, choose how you spend your time, think what is my win

    how true and how simple  perhaps how innate for some, but maybe not us – as we were trained to believe our mothers problems are also our own, we had to sit and hear them vent for ours on end

    so we may not always choose wisely. We may go by habit or guilt.  It is only with practice that we can begin to undo that.  Yes, yesterday my win was that practice.  I practice self protection and with that will gain confidence in protecting my spirit.

    how is your practice going?

     

    October 14, 2018 at 4:38 am in reply to: Self Trust #230875
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I slept on what I wrote to you and I thought about how possibly I did not explain myself well- as it is hard to put into words what I was trying to say.  I thought about how if an outsider read it, it would sound like I think myself higher and above others, and so I should not give advice. Which is untrue

    But when I woke up today – I realized the meat of the matter.  It is that we are truly and utterly exhausted and defeated.  Yes, being on the path is a chance at a new life, and is hopeful.  Yes, we  have risen above.  But, wow what an incredible feat.  What an exhausting job to undo the old neuropathways  and patterns of your life literally day in and day out, and in almost every moment.

    So if for nothing more, we must protect our precious energy.  Listen we must, to be good supporters, but to be protectors of our gentle spirit that allows us on the path.

    Today I feel my spirit needs some extra nurturing and protection.  I wonder how you feel…

    Speak more soon.

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