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Viewing 15 posts - 556 through 570 (of 1,634 total)
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  • #230895
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    choose wisely, choose how you spend your time, think what is my win

    how true and how simple  perhaps how innate for some, but maybe not us – as we were trained to believe our mothers problems are also our own, we had to sit and hear them vent for ours on end

    so we may not always choose wisely. We may go by habit or guilt.  It is only with practice that we can begin to undo that.  Yes, yesterday my win was that practice.  I practice self protection and with that will gain confidence in protecting my spirit.

    how is your practice going?

     

    #230897
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i forgot to concept of feeling equal. I too feel the same often. Higher and lower, neither of which are the true case at any given time.

    Tecently with this practice I have felt more centered or “normal”. Whether that is equal I am not sure – but it makes me feel that I am more of a balanced human like perhaps many others.

    I feel this way because I notice my own power. Mothers like ours steal our power and take it as their own, they thrive off of power and control so they take it in any way possible and stop at nothing.

    But now I am starting to see my power. I used to confuse my anger as power – as anger is quite powerful, the rage can will to conquer – the fury can will you to plow through.

    But anger eats away at you, and all you have left is defeat and exhaustion.

    I now see more subtle power.

    The power to say yes and no (like choosing wisely)

    the power to enjoy the day without letting someone adulterate it

    the power to say what I am and what I have are enough.

    Feeling enough is powerful.

    #230899
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I have been practicing following our exchange yesterday, having our communication in mind. At times yesterday, I noticed that I get the urge to talk/  interrupt the moment my husband starts talking. It is distress that knee jerks me (verb usage here) into talking. Maybe I am trying to stop him from talking.

    Interestingly, a few days ago I commented to him how another person was interrupting everyone, not realizing at that time that I was doing the same- this is where the concept of equality comes in- when I commented that another person was interrupting, maybe I thought of myself as superior, only to find out later that I interrupt too. When I find myself criticizing another, I often ask myself: am I doing this too? And when the answer is No, I remember that I used to do that before. I used to think that way, used to react that way… and sometimes I still do.

    Regarding our mothers… we survive them, that is all.. It is a wonder to me that I survived mine, a testimony to what we do survive and live to tell about.

    anita

    #230903
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for sharing your story about interrupting. I can say I have had a similar scenarios quite often.

    I have never heard you say husband. In fact I did not know you were married! I knew you did have a compassion/friend/supporter of some sort.

    Wow! So no wonder you are able to give me so much advice of the importance of having a good relationship with my husband. I hope you have a good one with yours.

    #230905
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I just read much of what you wrote in the last post to my husband and he was pleased. Yes, we do have a good relationship. I thought I mentioned to you that I was married. I will be away from the computer for the next 18 hours or so. Have a good rest of Sunday, good communicating with you, always.

    anita

    #232883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    How are you???

    anita

    #232985
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am fantastic! I am currently in South Africa! We decided to come here for some of our one month off!

    a beautiful country full of nature, wildlife, vineyards, beaches, mointains, and forests. Literally everything you could ask for!

    It is nice to getaway here. I am pretty much unplugged. Aside from the message here or there, or this!

    It has taught me a lot. To enjoy what I am doing – versus focusing on SHARING what I am doing. Oh how before it felt it was only real If it was shared – how juvenile, and how outward.

    Anyway- we have an entirety of one month off to travel. I feel very grateful for this time to explore and live. Deeply and fully. As I know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

    I know that feeling full is not needing too much, to be satiated is to have just the right amount to fill you. Over filling does not mean over experiencing. Visiting foreign countries you often notice the concept of balance, satiety, and equilibrium. Whether it comes from the respect for nature, food portions and ingredients, or concept of  what makes a good life.

    Often I would admire this to the point that I would lament the existence of my life back home. I have touched on this several times.

    This time I know / not all ways of life are transferable- and to wish such would cause distress. However it is important to appreciate the experiences and people you meet, and carry them in your heart.

    And that is just it. I carry in my heart an ability to feel okay, to not necessarily need many people or things anymore. As above, the idea of what is enough is only entirely up to you in that moment. If in that moment It feels okay- then it’s rihht. It’s that simple. No need to look far. We are our own best compass and guide. Homeostasis we maintain in our body and mind- if we allow it. If we don’t overpower it with worry, greed, and impatience. I do hope my life of outward living and focus on “there” not here is slowly dwindling. Of course patterns take time, and there are moments I feel no different – and others I feel not close to the same.

    It is all a perspective of our mind. We can be happy with whatever we allow ourselves to be. So let us give ourselves permission to not need much more.

    Talk soon – and wish I could send a picture!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #233003
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You mentioned planning a vacation and I wondered then where it would be to, now I know!

    I can imagine the beauty and appreciate your message so soon after I sent you my short inquiry. I like the homeostasis concept in body and in mind, and I have observed for a while now, that indeed your “life of outward living and focus on ‘there’ not here is slowly dwindling”- and not so slowly considering the nature of the process.

    Good to know you are having fun!

    anita

    #233159
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am glad to share my vacation experience thus far with you.  The idea of sharing has changed a lot for me.  Sharing prior was often many pictures and explanations of my day to friends – and above all my mother. sharing with my mother was a great part of my life.

    one may think there is a gap or void where that once was, but its quite the opposite, it doesn’t feel strange, it feels more normal. it makes me realize that prior, it was always effort – although it felt natural or habit – it was effort.  I learned that effort doesn’t always appear to be work or deliberate, it can feel like a normal pattern – but be effort nevertheless.  it was always effort to share and involve my mother, it felt joyous, but was it? no it was not.  it was robotic

    I see it different now.  I see it as a bigger picture, instead of many small things. akin to seeing a marriage as one or two large statements, versus focusing on some good days with the spouse and some bad days.  the good and bad change, and ebb and flow – however, the large blanket statements, when they speak the truth – remain.  the truth is the truth. it remains the same.

    so yes, I see it differently.  I see that I was always trying to live for myself and for my mother, that sounds like 2 lives doesn’t it? or at least 1.5.  to have to live your life and double that, wow how exhausting.  and to do that all the time.  I had to have joy for myself and enough to pour over onto my mother, who was in dire need of such.  yes, I needed all that life and joy and then some. always more always extra…

    and then I wondered, or felt sad if I didn’t get it. wow! but who in this world has that?! and who in this world truly needs that?! in fact it is impossible – and not reality. to live for yourself simultaneously and for someone.  to have enough for yourself and enough to pour over. it felt like shooting for the stars.  but it wasn’t.  it was a hopeless tragedy. it was false.

    and that it is it – it was delusion not reality.  what I felt I needed and wanted was delusion.  it was fed to me and trained in me. it was not reality, and it was not possible.

    my responsibility in this life is to be a good human and to experience joy for myself, and have enough of a good heart to hopefully influence those around me in a positive way, and help them when in need.  my role is not to live for others, in place of others.  my role may be to feel for others, but not on behalf of them – as they too, can feel for themselves.

    we must all feel for ourselves first – if we also feel for others at times, great – but first we have to know our own self.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
    #233329
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “it felt like shooting for the stars. but it wasn’t. it was a hopeless tragedy”- what a profound statement, how well articulated. Did I mention before that you are amazing. You are.

    This will be great in that book you will put together one day. I like your whole post, but what I quoted here, I am taking this on my walk next, sink and savor.

    anita

    #233733
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for liking that line.

    Today i had a beautiful day in the sun. But I didn’t feel the same. Today I felt very scared and anxious and also vulnerable. Something that may seem small, I wrote a quick note to a friend wishing her a happy birthday party this evening. And one to a few others. It was odd, as I am not sure why I did this. I guess a few friends Of mine had said send us a picture so I did – and added a quick note.

    I then felt foolish for doing so. I felt like – I told myself I wouldn’t communicate much while I’m here, as it helps me stay focused on my husband when I don’t. I also felt foolish because I thought, if those people were on this vacation they wouldn’t be sending me a message – they would be too busy enjoying themselves and focused on each other.

    Many old feelings and toxic thoughts cycled back. I felt oberwhelmed by them and anxious and a little sad too. I tried to observe, but I felt uneasy the whole day.

    #233743
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    After I wrote the above to you I had a lightbulb. I know why I felt so uneasy about sending those emails and reaching out to friends. And why it took over me. I think it’s the following –

    So here I am always being taught that we aren’t good enough and we have to seek outside of ourself to be happy. And good isn’t here it’s over there.

    So now I feel that if I’m doing something happy (such as vacation) I shouldn’t have a need to look over there. Anywhere else.

    And so if I do (for example send this email). I get angry at myself. I feel. Cali chica  don’t you know good is over here. Just focus on here. No need to be distracted or look anywhere else

     

     

    #233865
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I like your lightbulb moment, “good is over here. Just focus on here. No need to be distracted or look anywhere else”-

    the old pathways easily get activated, and we have to gently and patiently re-introduce the new pathways, the new understanding, into the old. Just as you did.

    anita

    #234187
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for reminding me this, as I am beginning to learn now this is inevitable. It’s not mistakes, just a natural course of the path

    the old pathways easily get activated, and we have to gently and patiently re-introduce the new pathways, the new understanding, into the old.

    #234225
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “the old pathways easily get activated, and we have to gently and patiently re-introduce the new pathways, the new understanding, into the old”-

    worth repeating. I repeated this to myself yesterday, doing the same as I suggest you do. Keep at it wherever you are and aim to relax and sink and savor, like you say.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 556 through 570 (of 1,634 total)

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