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This topic contains 1,633 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Cali Chica 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 14 posts - 1,621 through 1,634 (of 1,634 total)
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  • #300833

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Regarding my long Wed post to you, take your time with it, as much time as you want, no reason to analyze it or whatnot anytime soon, go back to any part of it when you feel like it and post to me about that part, no requirement on my part to indeed treat it like a thesis (and I do appreciate your appreciation of it!)

    I understand that your husband “has built up a lot of resentment” toward you, and I read carefully what he told you: he acknowledged your effort and work to heal and improve the ways you interact with him, and that it takes time (“I know you’re working on it… I know it takes time”), but he can’t “see change or remorse” in you and he has no patience left. At present he is withdrawn, burnt out (in the context of his relationship with you and in the context of work), he sleeps poorly, and “he is getting worse and worse”.

    I read the example of the abuse, “a really terrible one”- you never yelled at him then? Kicked him or hit him? Threatened him? Called him names? Broke dishes… none of that? (I can’t easily imagine you doing any of these things… but better verify than assume).

    I am not undermining what you did do, that example and other behaviors I already know, such as focusing on others and so forth.

    I will now read your second post… just did. A big question: why are you with him???

    Really, why… In all your shares he is a wonderful person, kind, respectful.. and he is a surgeon, a hard working man with high income or the possibility of a very high income… all good, but why did you marry him and why are you with him???

    (I will look for your answer so to respond soon after it, not wanting you to wait long next)

    anita

     

    #300839

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Oh goodness, I am having trouble answering this.  He had all the right qualities, and I recall feeling a close connection with him.

    I don’t ever remember “falling in love” but Anita, I have never felt this.

    Remember when I used to ask you if I too am a narcissist – I lack the full depth of love empathy and emotion. I do.

    Not when you see me from the outside, I am not stoic and stone faced, no bubbly and animated – but I have never so vulnerably been in love.  Never.

    I don’t feel sad about it – I don’t understand it. If someone explains it to me it sounds like a book or movie, and not comprehendible(if thats a word).

    To answer your question, after my parents were in the picture and my stress and negativity grew and grew, I did hit him a few times.  Once because I was so angry that he drank a little too much and I had to take care of him (later on he realized he was feeling so defeated and doomed that he likely didn’t know how much he drank).  I was enraged and full of “hate” and hit him.

    Another time I did when we were on vacation in Europe, while his cousin was there.  Long story short, we were having many arguments and he started to say something back to me, such as “stop being a b***” this is years later after that first incident so he had now started to build the anger resentment.  I was so enraged I slapped him and kept hitting him, and his cousin had to break it apart.  She was horrified and said, CC I know you’re upset but should never hit someone.  And of course after that I took a time out and spent the rest of the day alone, and let them go off on their own. (she is kind of like an older sister type to him and we were traveling from London together).  That was true rage coming out.

    #300841

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    And that first boyfriend, the one you were full of regrets about, way into your relationship with your now husband, you weren’t in love with him, anything like it?

    anita

    #300843

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    well the reason we broke up is because I “lost feelings” but not in the sense of “oh i don’t like you anymore”

    I didn’t feel much at all – kind of like a numbness to be honest (in regards to no passion ,sexual feeling etc) at that time and age at 20 I felt perhaps it was because he was not the right person for me.

    But then Anita, after the break up I suffered, oh I suffered so much.  Some of it pathologic in that I was ridden with guilt and regret from the mother voice (surprisingly my mother wasn’t so involved in this and didn’t have much comment) but also I truly truly missed this person.  This best friend, this person I grew up with, this beautiful soul and companion. Oh how I suffered, oh how I felt I made a terrible mistake.  Oh how I felt I would never find something like this again and “feel” like that.

    Interesting how after the fact perhaps (looking back) I was heart broken, because I truly loved this person maybe deep down, but maybe not in a way I could understand as I didn’t “feel it”

    #300847

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I used to feel I only ever truly loved him (first BF) and I would have to settle.  In fact I would compare current husband to that BF daily in my head, day in and out, and often lash out at him about such things – feeling almost a deep resentment like aghh I’ll never be “happy” like that again.

    I used to question a lot a lot if I only then chose to continue with this current man because he had the qualifications on paper, and met criteria, and came from a good family in my culture (mother would be happy and approve) (ironically we know she never will be happy but right now, that’s not the point)

    #300849

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    This is probably how you will feel if you no longer have your husband, if he is gone from your life in one way or another. You will feel a retroactive kind of love for him, a retroactive undoing of the numbing. It will feel peculiar, I am thinking, as in.. did I really love him or ..

    I was thinking some time ago, why it is that your husband married you after experiencing what he experienced with you and with your family, why did he… an emotionally healthy man will not do that, don’t you think?

    We can go a bit this route, what is it about his family upbringing/ prior experience that led him to marry a woman who mistreated him. I don’t know if you want to go this route this morning.

    back to the first paragraph- that protective numbing sheet covering your “love neurons” is one way I imagine this.  What are your feelings toward your mother at this point, and is she okay with no contact with you for the rest of her life..  has she reached out beyond communicating a bit with that friend of yours.. is she still talking to your sister about you.. what is the status on this?

    anita

    #300853

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I would like to go down this road:

    I was thinking some time ago, why it is that your husband married you after experiencing what he experienced with you and with your family, why did he… an emotionally healthy man will not do that, don’t you think?

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    • He states he did it (this has come up a lot especially when he began to be more resentful) because he truly loves me.  He had hope and he saw past the bad.  He saw someone in need of help and tried his hardest and mightiest.  He often feels like a fool because all his love and patience for me was taken and thrown on the floor and stomped on.
  • so the answer is he had true blind love towards me, and even despite all that stood by my side.  when he gets very angry he makes comments on how it was foolish as he didn’t see how bad he was treated until now sometimes.
  • What are your feelings toward your mother at this point, and is she okay with no contact with you for the rest of her life..  has she reached out beyond communicating a bit with that friend of yours.. is she still talking to your sister about you.. what is the status on this?

    • She has not reached out beyond that communication of calling my friend (S) that you know about.
      • Yes I am sure she asks my sister about me in especially snide ways, but my sister does not tell me. she knows thats the rule.  my sister was just at their house this past weekend. my sister and i have a healthier interaction now, than when i first moved here and vented to you about her and her cries for help.  we have spent some good quality time together with boundaries, and enjoyed our dogs and company.  we definitely needed that space over the winter though – and she now has a great job, good group of friends, and very much her own life.

     

#300855

anita
Participant

Dear Cali Chica:

I am taking a bit of time, maybe half an hour, to think about my next post to you.

anita

#300857

Cali Chica
Participant

thank you, it is an important post – and “pressing/relevant” to me in that it is very important at the present time – so I appreciate your thought and response/help etc.

#300859

anita
Participant

Dear Cali Chica:

Testing,,,I wonder if your thread, being longer than any thread in the history of tiny buddha (since 2013) has become too long and that is the reason the posts appear differently. If that is the case maybe you should start a new thread.

anita

#300861

anita
Participant

Yes, Cali Chica, following 1,630 posts and 109 pages, I figure it is time to start a new thread or you can resurrect one of your older threads, will wait for you to let me know.

anita

#300863

Cali Chica
Participant

Dear Anita,

Oh my! perhaps, you are right. Oh I wish I could just press print and this whole Self Trust would print out.  Shall I start a new thread? I will..

#300865

Cali Chica
Participant

Dear Anita,

I am going to start a new thread, I am not feeling that creative today so I am going to call it:

Self Trust and More

Look out for it now…

#300871

Cali Chica
Participant

Dear Anita,

Do you see this? or my new thread?

I just got this strange feeling that the thread collapsed and the website was gone – and we were never able to communicate again! Oh what a terrible feeling, I felt “gasp” god I really hope that does not happen!

Viewing 14 posts - 1,621 through 1,634 (of 1,634 total)

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