Dear Anita,

I spent my day talking to two woman that were distressed and wanted to speak to me.  not one, but two.  clearly the universe wanted me to put our practice – into practice! (i will use terms as our and we, signifying that we are practicing similar things – and not to overstate at any time that we are of course in the exact same situation)

So I spoke with person A and B.  Person A wanted my advice, Person B wanted to share and vent.  Both scenarios required patience and listening.  Both are distressed woman in a currently uneasy state – both with anxious energy.

And you know what, after speaking to them Anita – right now I do not feel more anxious, I do not feel triggered, and I do not feel worse.  In fact, I feel centered.

Why is that? Well for the first time in practically my whole life, I did not interrupt this person sharing their story.  I took a step back and did some self talk – I said, wow, this person is struggling, she may have trouble getting her words out, she may have trouble even knowing what to say, she may not even know what she’s thinking, so give her the space to get it out.  This space didn’t just work for her, it worked for me.  It was that much more relaxing to sit back and breathe as this person unraveled their story.  It was that much less burdensome.  I didn’t have to jump in and be the savior – no I did not.  I wasn’t asked to first of all, but more importantly, I didn’t assume knee-jerk that this was my role.

So then later in the day when I spoke to person B, with an entirely different scenario, but distressed as well – I had practice.  And like I said before, practice and “feel good patterns” can stick over time.  With person B I did an even better job of listening.  It allowed her comfort in getting her story out in different fragments, and time to collect her thoughts.  It allowed me to have similar  self talk again, to remind myself that this person needs someone to be patient.

Now, what did this do for me.  It made me think Instantly that WE, you and I, are not like others Anita.  I don’t mean to say this to sound elitist – but the way our brain works is not the norm.

We have encountered so much trauma and abuse, and we have risen above, to the point that we are writing eloquently today in this moment – oh how uncommon this.  How unique this is.  How extraordinary.

So with that, I had a reminder that most people do not process things the way we may do now – knowing what we know, experiencing what we have.  I do not expect them to – neither do you.  But with that, it was important for me to remind myself that.  I may want to jump in and help someone, but have to realize that the wavelength of their mind may not be at the same place mine is – it may not be right now yet, or may never be.

We are all different humans, we can be loving and supportive, but we must also value that the depth of our emotional progress should not be mirrored onto others so simply – we should not expect it, and we should not project it.

It made me proud of us today though.  I was a good listener and supporter – but with that felt even more confident in my ability to be where I am in this world now – not dealing with the distress of a friend, a spouse, or work – but no that of the one who raised me.  Same as you.  Now that is a feat.  It is an ongoing journey, but I have gratitude for all the work you have done to get where you are – and now the work I have done to get to where I am.

So in conclusion, I believe we make great supporters, and we are learning to be great listeners.  We can be grateful for this gift and for our progress.  It is a special gift, the courage, bravery, and emotional ability we have. But perhaps…we can keep it as my/our little gift, it does not have to be extended out to all, and each and every person.  They may not understand it, appreciate it, or even need it – and that effort we put forth to extend it can take a toll on us.  We may want people to see things the way we do, to decrease their suffering, to help them get by – but our emotional journey can not be mirrored onto them.  By listening we can protect them, and our selves. By protecting ourselves, we protect our journey, and also our role in this world.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I shall practice too – and as always keep this conversation in mind.   I will loop back with some thoughts from my practice (as practice can be in the smallest ways, even observing our own mind first – before others), and feel free to share yours as well!

Dear Anita,

July 18, what a lovely day to choose – I sure love summer, I will keep this in mind.

This got me thinking about the concept of birthdays – or birth days – as it signifies the day you were born.

But that gets lost, and birthdays become about parties, celebrations, and others.  It becomes less about you sometimes, and more about the group, the show, and the hype.

This was definitely me for a long time, until this year even.  Birthdays were all about big groups, and parties, lots of friends, sometimes even grand gestures.  Sure it was great – but looking back it feels quite narcissistic.  In some ways, it is a great way to spend quality time with friends – but in others it seems odd to make such a big deal about one day.

Well I guess in that case you can think like that about anything, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  As long as you keep in mind the reason you are celebrating it, and focus on the good, love, support, and relationships – then its great.

Like you said: the good life is about honest, affectionate, respectful relationships, starting over here, that is, within the family

On another note,

I wanted to share that I feel less triggered by my surroundings recently.  I notice this is because I stop and observe (or try to) before responding.

What I mean by triggered isn’t exactly what it sounds like – I mean, easily annoyed, irritated, etc.

I find that if I have the patience to observe and listen to another person, I am less likely to feel instantly annoyed.

I also find that often people are just talking out loud to their OWN self (we have touched on this before) and so it doesn’t really involve any input from me (other person).  This goes along with my increasing work on, staying silent, and not always having to interject and having something to say.  It is much more relaxing and peaceful.  It is not natural to me – as it is not my habit, but like all things -practice, and feel good patterns – will stick over time.

Another aspect of the triggered is that, I am trying my best not to absorb the emotions of others (when they are negative, complaining, anxious, etc).  I am trying my best to remember that this is an issue of that person, it isn’t something I am responsible for, nor sometimes even capable of helping.  I should focus more on listening and less on doing.

We also touched upon before, that whole concept (that made your head spin) about  the here versus there – and how I often didn’t value my husband (because we decided…he is here and not a threat and as valuable as something over there). I have started to see how delusional that is, and how blind! I have really valued him more and more each day – especially living with his parents who have taught him such good morals – as I spend time with them daily right now.  I find that over “there” these days is not even attractive, so much so that I don’t care too much to socialize and be involved with too many people during this time. (similar to right after i stopped talking to my mother, i called it a cocoon).  I see now that I am changing my priorities and focus and i have the liberty to do so – I am growing woman as are my priorities.  My life has been exhausting (at the least) over the last few years, and I don’t have to do anything I truly don’t want to.

Hello Anita,

Good morning and Happy Friday.

This week was my birthday – I am now 33 years old.  Oh how much I thought about you and our conversations during that day and this whole week.

I have observed so much – and instead of trying to take each fleeting thought as IS, I am trying my best to let them pass by.  As in, each feeling and emotion  is not in stone and definitive – they are just passing feelings. This is incredibly difficult to grasp, as in the moment it is hard for us (me) to feel that what I am feeling may not be indicative of “reality.”

I notice that my mother fed me lies.  I notice that her world was full of delusion.  But it did not appear so.  It appeared quite opposite– that her words were of truth, and that of honesty.  In fact, she made it a great point in her life to exclaim that she speaks truth and honesty – and others don’t.  That she is raw, open, and real — others are fake and keeping appearances.

So of course, I went about my life truly believing every little thing she said.  Whether it was about another person, location, or concept of life.  It infiltrates from concepts such as what kind of man is the “right” one to marry, to things such as what the ideal lipstick color is.  It infiltrates from concepts of what is the “best” way to travel, to concepts of what a “real” friendship should be.

And concepts such as the last one are the most harmful.  It is much easier to dismiss the tangible to say – oh my mother always preached that apples were better than oranges  – but I enjoy oranges.  Sure, easy to conceptualize and understand, and dismiss.  But what is much more difficult is the following:

-what makes a “good” friend

-what makes a “good” spouse

-what is fulfillment

-what is a good life

-what is happiness

And there I have it, the meat of the matter.

A short time ago I mentioned to you that when I was trying to climb and achieve more and more, it wasn’t necessarily to reach those tangible goals, it was to convince myself – and the mother voice – that I was good enough, or what I had was enough, etc.

I also realized, that this is akin to appeasing a bottomless pit, there will NEVER be enough…

Now I also will add, my mother (in her almighty godliness) also felt she knew the answers to the above: the definition of fulfillment, of what makes a good life, and most importantly – what defines happiness.

She was so FAR from having these things, or even understanding them, that she PREACHED day in and day out about what they were.  As though if I all I ever wanted was to get married, and so the farther I got away from a marriage prospect, the more I projected and preached what a good husband is, and what an amazing married life means.  And the more I did that – the farther I got from reality of actually gaining such a prospect.  An endless vicious cycle of projection and delusion.

So now you have this woman doing this, not just woman – MOTHER. With two young impressionable daughters nonetheless And there you have it – the perfect recipe for plugging false ideas and delusions into their brain.

No matter what they achieve or how intelligent or advanced they are, they were spoon fed delusion from birth, and so that is what will stick.

Our ideas of the world that were fed to us by our parents, are indoctrinated within us for life – we take them to be the godly truth. 

Well that is, unless you are like me (us) and see clearly – and are given the life long task of UNDOING these delusions.

Oh wow, I can not think of a greater task in the world…

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

thank you for reminding me I can re-associate. I see it in you and I know it is possible for me.

I want to share with you that today is the beginning of a new chapter for us. We have officially quit our jobs here and have 2 months off to rest heal and sink and savor. After which we will be moving to NYC. I am grateful for this time and grateful for you. I will re read all we wrote about in the last 2 days and let it sink in. Thanks for having faith in me even when I lose it.

Dear Anita,

No I do not anymore. I am conscious now and have clarity. The more clarity I gained about my mother and her abuse the more I gained about my own self and traits. Hence all of our posts for 2 years now. But that doesn’t mean I am bounced back now of course. I am not by any means remorseful for what I did or even aware of it. I just float through life and focus on my thoughts and healing – like what I do with you.

My definition – wow that’s tough. I see it as loving someone more than even your own self. Putting their needs first. Feeling for them and not getting your own hang ups in the way.

Perhaps I do not know as I can not access much emotion as it is mostly repressed. As you said the most or even only accessible emotion is anger. But all else is beaten down or out of me.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You felt yesterday that stamp of approval you used to chase by pleasing your mother, doing A, B, C .. X, Y. No more chasing her. No more chasing anyone or anything.

Yes! you are right. NO more chasing anyone or anything.  wow, life CAN be this way.  In fact, what was all this chasing doing? I did not realize I was not truly chasing things (achievements, objects, milestones) or people – I was ONLY truly chasing my mother’s approval.  Even without her presence, I was chasing the mother voice’s approval.  Like running through the world with a tape of her monologue on repeat.  It doesn’t matter where I am, what I am, or who I am with – this monologue does not stop. It is endlessly running.  Now that this tape is thrown out the window, the voice still remains, as there are old neuropathways as you said.  But  without the tape on repeat – I can also hear my OWN voice.  My voice has been speaking all along? But did I listen, no..My mother’s voice was all too powerful and overpowering mine became small.  Now I will listen.

Poor service so i Think it posted multiple times!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.