Dear Anita,

good morning. I am great. I have been deep in the “meat” of this next chapter of healing. Thinking, observing, reading, writing, questioning my innate thought or worry, channeling safety.

I have been deep in it – and it is a good feeling. I was just thinking of you, I will write you my detailed progress and feelings soon as I am heading to a job interview! I hope you are well this week so far!

Dear Anita,

This weekend, and now today, I recognized the beauty of practice

I was having trouble reminding myself that progress is possible.  Many times in my life I showed progress.  From hating running to (tolerating) it.  From starting as as beginning dancer, to becoming advanced – and going with my passion for it. The list goes on, self discipline is possible.  I have proven to myself many times. 

However, this time around, with this large task of healing – it feels of course much different.  I lost my confidence and faith that self disipline and confidence can lead to life altering progress.

This weekend my practice was simple, I focused on what was.  My husband and I were in NYC looking around at things, and thats what I did.  I didn’t do that and also simultaneously help a friend through a mini crisis.  I didn’t do that and also support my sister through her doubts.  I didn’t do that and also plan my next weekend.  No. I just did what was in front of me.

How new for me.  And I woke up today feeling that much more centered.  A practice of being more centered yesterday, does allow for a more centered today.  It sure does.  All it takes is practice.  

I have faith in practice.  I have faith that if I deliberately attend to my husband and I – this practice will continue to show me progress.  

It will be hard when more distractions present themselves, but with practice, my skill will be more innate and even second nature.

To see the benefit of something the next day, will remind me the importance of this self-discipline.  It is not unlike practicing a good diet, or exercise regimen – this is a diet for my brain, that of removing unecessary toxins and distractions in the mind and the body!

Why do you think parental dysfunction is so common? To me it’s because so much of the trauma is not processed and passed down to generations and projected further and further. Lack of awareness lack of coping lack of processing. Distress projected.

Dear Anita,

Happy Friday, I want to share something I wrote.

Dear Child,

A Narcissitic(N) mother’s emotional abuse.

Insidious is the perfect word. Disguised as love.

This is the most harmful aspect of it. As children in nature we have a basic human instinct to be bonded to our mother. This is without thought. For an NMom to take advantage of this innocent dedication and dependency – there could be “almost(not comparing)” no greater abuse.

Mother’s know that no one depends on them more than their own children. A young infant can not truly LIVE without his mother – without her nourishment. Humans and the wild.

So Imagine a baby Lion getting kicked daily after his feedings from the lioness. Allowed feedings on some days but not others, with no consistency. Sometimes finding that the lioness is nowhere to be found, and sometimes finding she is smothering.

Odd to think of it this way. And unlikely in nature. Yet this is what our mothers did. They took advantage of the innocent dependence of a young child and manipulated it to Feed their fragile narcissistic soul. A soul that can not be fed. And thus it was a bottomless pit. An endless cycle.

Moreover this abuse was disguised as love. Yes. And sure there were time where the mother did show “love and concern.” Motherly traits. But all to throw it back in our face years later. So by definition that is not true love. Even a broken clock is right twice a day. So If any positive behavior did emanate from her, it’s because it just so happened to.

She disguised her behavior as being good for us, for being caring, for being an exceptional mother. For being something special. They always do see themselves as elite and special, but also battered and hopeless.

There is nothing quite like emotional insidious abuse from a mother. No matter what the language, culture, socioeconomic status. The mother – child relationship is the same. No child should have to grow up with fear and inconsistency, the burden to appease their mother, with conditional love.

Unconditional love from a mother is not a prize. It is the standard.

Dear Anita,

Your last post after our mutual feeling of overwhelming-ness is pivotal. It is it’s own chapter in the book, highlighted and bookmarked. In fact it is it’s OWN book.

I want to take my time to go through it slowly as it is a difficult concept to process given the ridiculous ingrained teaching.

You wrote:

“and you value and invest in strangers whom you don’t know much about (and it doesn’t matter, according to this ridiculous teaching who they are, as long as they are …. not us)”

=value others, no matter who they are, as long as they are someone else.

So you’re walking down the shopping mall holding your mothers hand in awe of everyone that walks by – seeing wow look how nice he is, like how pretty she is, look how happy he is, look how lucky he is, look!

may sound innocent enough. But no. Look at them. Look at what they have – and as above also assuming things about others that are likely entirely untrue! Looking back at my life – most of these people were not what they seemed, as happy as they seemed, or content/“lucky”.

It was me glamourizing at every juncture. Just because they were someone else. Automatically. I’m going to Spain. Oh great. Oh WOW she’s going to France and her husband is taking her isn’t that INCREDIBLE! Yes, but aren’t you going to Europe too? Oh ya I am… entirely blind to this.

Now this concept was not hard to conceptualize as it is the first layer. And goes along well with the Disney world (TDW) example.

The next layer, which we uncovered over the last few days is much more complex. The value in others over ones self (including people that you include with yourself). It is multifactorial and so beyond the concept of “wanting what you can’t have” or grass is always greener.

1) I am used to attending to danger. Danger does not lie within me and my most loved ones. No. But Danger is pausing too long to focus on me. Because I must attend to danger.  It in fact is dangerous to just stick to me and us, thus I have to focus on them. In fact the Danger is not being one of them.

2) safety does not lie within me(us) it lies within them. So once again:

dangerous to be me/us = safety to be them.

Ill let this one sink in.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

What has occurred to me now, after our thorough conversation about the topic above, and my subsequent clear outline of the learning points above is this:

i can not process and think clearly when I am distracted by others.  I must MUST give my self permission to focus on ME (and my husband) and NO ONE ELSE.

Tell me Anita, isn’t this true.  And I must allow it – I must give myself permission.

Call it whatever I may – cocoon living – protecting my self.  It is not isolation – but I want to go back to it – I want to focus just on us.  I did for a while there, but I stopped giving myself permission – but I want to – I need to…

IT IS THE ONE MAIN OBSTRUCTION TO MY PEACE AND CLARITY!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I will let the following sink and savor.  Thank you for enlightening my understanding of this:

• Slowly, gradually, you will challenge this false core belief that safety is with strangers out there and abandon it.
•  there was no safety in the family unit with her. So it was tempting to believe indeed that safety is someplace, over there,  with those people.