Dear Anita,

Believing what this true is a big part of healing I see. What is really true, not the memory plugged in my mind. I have been doing an exercise yesterday that helped a lot.

I would see something which would ignite a memory. I would then observe what comes to mind but dig deeper and see the true reality. I would then remind myself the whole memory, not just the first thought.

For example I saw an ice cream truck on our walk. First thing – oh my mom used to always take us. Full thing – oh my mom always said how she ran as fast as she could with us to the ice cream truck, she mentions it into adulthood. Normal. No. What she did is not an act of god and to repeat it as to get credit for it cheapens the experience.

To see the reality is liberating. To accept it is key

Dear Anita,

Enjoy your time away. I will continue to post when something arises.

I felt a good release after I posted above. A small little feeling of letting that control go. I’m not sure if it will stick – time will tell and practice makes perfect.

I find myself annoyed at myself when I over share or get over involved. But I am looking at the root. And above I wrote of my feeling to not be this way now.

The root is my mother and then my sister. It doesn’t matter why. Why is irrelevant when the action creates harm. But here I was always thinking for my sister. Even parenting an inadequate mother. And then my sister. A helpless child that had the role of victim for many years. Someone who felt that all she had was me. How much pressure. Who cares why. It’s too much and not possible for one person to take that all on. The energy of both are draining. My sister has improved tremendously for which I am going. But she is not a well adjusted girl given her upbringing. She still doesn’t know her place in the world and does not have very many strong relationships of her own. This creates a feeling of me to overcompensate for that and be that person for her. I am slowly starting to see she is fine. She can handle her own. I don’t need to be her sounding board or advice giver. She can learn from her own mistakes.

She is showing improvement which is good.

So on the note of my previous posts. My mom taught me not only focus on others but to be overly involved with them. When you are overly involved you also invite more annoyance. You find yourself hearing about things that can be bothersome and then they’ll also have opinions about my life. Why let them? They’re not worthy. Most people aren’t. How many times have I been social with someone out of habit (an old friend I no longer have anything in common with) just to be annoyed at the conversation or her opinion. So why talk at all? Out of fear of losing that friend. That’s not even a friend it’s a random stranger you used to know.

The value of others is based on what I want. I don’t want to value others so much. They don’t need my help. So I don’t have to offer it. With close people sure I’m always there. That’s it.

So I don’t want to answer your question with a thoughtful response always. I want to just be like okay great. Or fine. Maybe I don’t want to say anything at all. Why? Because what you’re talking about isn’t really interesting. Because what you’re talking about is annoying. And I am allowed to choose if I wanna engage.

That’s it. To engage or not to engage is up to me. It doesn’t dictate how i value friendships. It doesn’t dictate how i value myself. No. It doesn’t dictate how my future is either. By trying extra doesn’t prevent “loss” in the future. Who the heck made up that?! My stupid mother – well look how that worked out for her. She had no one and never will because she’s miserable and unlovable.

So why would I follow advice from a know it all who had nothing at all? Wow. Everything she taught me is wrong. If it is right it just happens to be right in the universe. Even a wrong clock is correct twicE a day.

I find myself still ever so slightly protecting certain things I grew up thinking. Some of which are because I believe them. And some of which are habit. An example is focus on good home cooked Indian cooking as being a very healthy cuisine. Sure yes made appropriately it is healthy. But this isn’t some profound think my mom taught me. She’s not a cooking god. This is something that is known in my culture and in the western world as well. And she hardly cooked! As we got older she made it a point that she didn’t have to cook because my dad brought home food all the time. So therefore she was priveleged. But yet touting the benefits of great home cooked meals! You can’t have both woman! What a hypocrite. Feeding us leftovers and showing off you’re lucky you don’t have to do much but forcing understanding of food culture. So I only focus on one part. But I must bring my brain back to both. The reality that I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with good home cooked Indian food after the age of 12. And my mom was all talk. Say that out loud. The more I don’t the more I believe the lie. She was a master liar and fed us lies and we spoke those to ourselves and others. I think j still do.

Next time I think about good. Indian food. I shouldn’t think yes I was taught this is good for you. I should think – I know nothing about it. My mom taught me nothing valuable. Yes I would love to learn about it now on my own and with the help of good authentic people who have the knowledge about it. Not a liar.

I want to reprogram my memories. Not Just focus on one part.

I have value for the fact that I speak 2 languages equally fluently. English and my native language. But – what came with that. My mother’s extreme judgement of other kids who don’t. Her feeling that since she did such a good job as a mother doing that she didn’t have to do other things ?!you can’t pick and choose what qualities to give to a child and then Pat yourself on the back. She didn’t pick and choose she did nothing.

Anything of value I learned is just by chance. That’s it.

Dear Anita,

Some thoughts. From a child or perhaps maybe just intrinsic me. Either way:

I don’t want to help people anymore. As in go out of my way to. It is exhausting. I don’t want to offer advice. I don’t want to give my opinion. I can do my job which requires helping people but to the level it has to be done well. I don’t feel that I want to over do it like I always have. If someone asks me what I think. I want to say that’s fine. I don’t want to go into a whole explanation and personal opinion. That’s it. I don’t want to make it personal. I want to stay more disconnected from many things and or people.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for reminding me they are coming out  all the time. This is reassuring as sometimes I forget. Sometimes it feels like I don’t push them back down, that they are stuck to begin with. This is not true.

If I follow an authentic life. Doing what appears right for me at that moment. Without over thinking. Working on being slower. Then perhaps the process will continue – as it should. The natural way. The way the body and soul want and need.

I spend a lot of time being preoccupied with “doing” the right things for appropriate healing. But perhaps I don’t have to direct myself so much. Or be so critical. I was and wane between feeling that I have to direct my healing and feeling that I can just “be. ” But what exactly does it mean to just be anyway. Sigh

Dear Anita,

I will. Interestingly, I’ve always felt my whole life – why just succumb to what you’re feeling when you’re down. If I was 25 I would drink some coffee put some makeup on and be out with a friend in an hour. And much more like that.

To a point this ability was resilience. It was ability to rise above. But now – this ability no longer serves me. It’s run its course and now we are at depletion. And thus to succumb is to accept is to live.

Now I don’t know medically if “giving in” leads to improvement. As in there are medications out there for people to improve when they are feeling EXACTLY like this. But it is my innate feeling that for me, If I let myself truly feel for once. For not just a day or a week. If I really do it. It will teach me something. It will be real growth.

Dear Anita,

interesting you explain it this way – yesterday when I was home feeling unwell, I spent the day just being my baseline. I didn’t drink coffee I didn’t look for any tasks to do. I was just there.

I found myself thinking. When I don’t try, and I just be – my baseline is quite weak, and numb. The frenzied energy and constant doing is actually a mask for what my TRUE baseline is.

Perhaps it is horrifying to feel that numb and hollow and thus it is my natural state to over engage.  This and the fact that my job requires a lot of energy and mental focus.

You’re right those feelings are mine. Not hers. And yes they are repressed. Do you feel that if I spend more time just being. Like I did yesterday they can manifest more. I am no longer scared of feeling low energy and down. I now accept it as the reality and I would rather feel this way than a false source of adrenaline and running on fumes so to speak. Yes, I can not spend every day at home not doing much. But if I allow my baseline just to be – not over compensate, not over socialize, not overly drink coffee to be extra productive. If I stop all of that maybe my true essence will manifest more. And slowly release.

Given that I am always on – at work – at home  always. Never feeling I can turn off. Perhaps I’m scared If I turn off I am pretty “dead” feeling inside. But I want to embrace what I am. I don’t want to mask it.

What do you think?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

yes parenting my infantile mother. Always.

Yes I do agree that she did not possess guilt. I do.  That’s the thing, she is devoid of appropriate emotion, by nature this is her pathology. She did know how to throw a good tantrum though. All tactics to get attention and pity. Power.

I believe that what I do is entirely different, it is more like it is a nervous energy that is expelled out of me.  I know this because when I am calm and have slept well, and I am in a good place, I am a great listener, I am able to talk without interrupting others, my energy is much more different. But when I am under stress, when the week has been hectic, there has been poor sleep I sound very frantic and frenzied, and this is how I feel inside.

In regards to my husband in particular, I have learned the concept of blurting out from my mother. It is not that I am doing exactly as she did, but I do find myself feeling infantile in this way. Of course it is nothing like her motives and her level of pathology. But similar to a child, speaking without regarding what is the opportune or appropriate scenario. Once again this is not always, but when I am full of distress or uneasy energy it is exhibited outwardly like this.

Perhaps related or unrelated, the concept of patience is very difficult for me. I never was raised with a good understanding of what patience is. I did not understand that patience is a virtue, nor was I taught that. On the contrary many people are, and as adults they do exhibit patience. Because I don’t have a great concept of patience, I often feel that it is OK to respond immediately, react immediately. I do not always sink and savor given that I don’t trust this ability in myself.  I often find that basic human characteristics such as these are lost on me, and my sister because of our observance of our parents. Our infantile pathologic parents that made it seem that reacting with angry outburst to the world, with negativity was an OK first response.   The fact that I have empathy, and I am a good friend is entirely different than anything that I have been taught. I do commend myself for that.

I would like to work on patience, I would like to better sink and say were. I took a nap after I last spoke to you and when I woke up the first thought that went into my mind is this:

Nothing bad happens when you stop and pause.

I often have a fear that if I am not doing, thinking, talking etc. that I am lacking. I am missing something. In order to fully live I must do, in order to fully be involved in something, I must overdue, overthink, over talk.   A day like today, which is a day off, alone, to able to go in and out of sleep, think, read, right. What did I miss? What was lost on me by doing – nothing

To do nothing is to be patient often. This is what I would like to work on

Dear Anita,

there are a lot of typos in my previous post as I was using voice text (speaking of talking too much!). What I mean to say is that I want the ability to sink and savor. To stop and think before speaking. It will help me and it will help my relationships. I often use my husband as a punching bag, blurting out anything that comes to mind without assessing if it is the time and place. Just to feel guilty after realizing how I stressed him (even though he likely won’t express it). It is a vicious cycle.

It it reminds me of my mother outpouring on me without any regard for what was going on in my life at that time.