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Viewing 15 posts - 391 through 405 (of 1,634 total)
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  • #217453
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for reminding me they are coming out  all the time. This is reassuring as sometimes I forget. Sometimes it feels like I don’t push them back down, that they are stuck to begin with. This is not true.

    If I follow an authentic life. Doing what appears right for me at that moment. Without over thinking. Working on being slower. Then perhaps the process will continue – as it should. The natural way. The way the body and soul want and need.

    I spend a lot of time being preoccupied with “doing” the right things for appropriate healing. But perhaps I don’t have to direct myself so much. Or be so critical. I was and wane between feeling that I have to direct my healing and feeling that I can just “be. ” But what exactly does it mean to just be anyway. Sigh

    #217465
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Healing is very much part of nature, happens to every living thing, as long as it is alive. Microorganisms, plants, animals, they don’t direct their healing, it just happens, part of nature. The moment there is injury, if the organism doesn’t die, healing begins. Healing is truly bigger than ourselves.

    Avail yourself to this power of nature, healing. It is as available to you as it is to an amoeba. Most of the directing really is about staying out of the way of healing, positioning ourselves so to let it have access to us.

    anita

    #217469
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Most of the directing really is about staying out of the way of healing, positioning ourselves so to let it have access to us.

    I love this.

    Stay out of its way. Live innately. That’s it.

    #217473
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Yes, super nature will do our healing, so superhuman Cali Chica can no longer be super, and instead, rest under the blanket, relaxing in silence.

    anita

    #217493
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Some thoughts. From a child or perhaps maybe just intrinsic me. Either way:

    I don’t want to help people anymore. As in go out of my way to. It is exhausting. I don’t want to offer advice. I don’t want to give my opinion. I can do my job which requires helping people but to the level it has to be done well. I don’t feel that I want to over do it like I always have. If someone asks me what I think. I want to say that’s fine. I don’t want to go into a whole explanation and personal opinion. That’s it. I don’t want to make it personal. I want to stay more disconnected from many things and or people.

    #217497
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    To add. My whole life I went out of the way to extend myself. To think on behalf of others. Sure some may say well that’s what I chose to do. But I didn’t choose anything. The role I played as an adult was formed as a child. Was from my mother. She didn’t have appropriate mother abities and did not think appropriately for herself. So as I grew older and more intelligent for her and for myself. Thus I always thought about how other people should be living their life. Well it doesn’t end there. This “habit” edyrned to others. I am always overly interested in what my friends are going through and overly concerned about their issues. Almost like an obsession. Unable to disconnect. This isn’t altruism. This is an addiction. An addiction my mom placed. Something that she made me think was vital to be a good human. Help fix her. Well I can’t fix her. I can’t fix anyone. First of all I can hardly fix myself. The more connected I am with all of you the less I am with me. So it’s not my duty.

    I am not a super friend. It’s more that I am super obsessed with being involved. Because my life was based on others. My worth was based on others. My mother taught me that my life is nothing unless it is about others. She taught me not to respect my sole self but only in relation to what is around it. What is associated with it. Well respect is a baseline. With or without things attached. That’s it. Respect is no strings attached.

    #217503
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I need to get away from the computer for the next 15 hours or so. When I am back I will read your two recent posts and any other you are welcome to add by then, and will reply. I hope you feel better and be good to you!

    anita

    #217511
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Enjoy your time away. I will continue to post when something arises.

    I felt a good release after I posted above. A small little feeling of letting that control go. I’m not sure if it will stick – time will tell and practice makes perfect.

    I find myself annoyed at myself when I over share or get over involved. But I am looking at the root. And above I wrote of my feeling to not be this way now.

    The root is my mother and then my sister. It doesn’t matter why. Why is irrelevant when the action creates harm. But here I was always thinking for my sister. Even parenting an inadequate mother. And then my sister. A helpless child that had the role of victim for many years. Someone who felt that all she had was me. How much pressure. Who cares why. It’s too much and not possible for one person to take that all on. The energy of both are draining. My sister has improved tremendously for which I am going. But she is not a well adjusted girl given her upbringing. She still doesn’t know her place in the world and does not have very many strong relationships of her own. This creates a feeling of me to overcompensate for that and be that person for her. I am slowly starting to see she is fine. She can handle her own. I don’t need to be her sounding board or advice giver. She can learn from her own mistakes.

    She is showing improvement which is good.

    So on the note of my previous posts. My mom taught me not only focus on others but to be overly involved with them. When you are overly involved you also invite more annoyance. You find yourself hearing about things that can be bothersome and then they’ll also have opinions about my life. Why let them? They’re not worthy. Most people aren’t. How many times have I been social with someone out of habit (an old friend I no longer have anything in common with) just to be annoyed at the conversation or her opinion. So why talk at all? Out of fear of losing that friend. That’s not even a friend it’s a random stranger you used to know.

    The value of others is based on what I want. I don’t want to value others so much. They don’t need my help. So I don’t have to offer it. With close people sure I’m always there. That’s it.

    So I don’t want to answer your question with a thoughtful response always. I want to just be like okay great. Or fine. Maybe I don’t want to say anything at all. Why? Because what you’re talking about isn’t really interesting. Because what you’re talking about is annoying. And I am allowed to choose if I wanna engage.

    That’s it. To engage or not to engage is up to me. It doesn’t dictate how i value friendships. It doesn’t dictate how i value myself. No. It doesn’t dictate how my future is either. By trying extra doesn’t prevent “loss” in the future. Who the heck made up that?! My stupid mother – well look how that worked out for her. She had no one and never will because she’s miserable and unlovable.

    So why would I follow advice from a know it all who had nothing at all? Wow. Everything she taught me is wrong. If it is right it just happens to be right in the universe. Even a wrong clock is correct twicE a day.

    I find myself still ever so slightly protecting certain things I grew up thinking. Some of which are because I believe them. And some of which are habit. An example is focus on good home cooked Indian cooking as being a very healthy cuisine. Sure yes made appropriately it is healthy. But this isn’t some profound think my mom taught me. She’s not a cooking god. This is something that is known in my culture and in the western world as well. And she hardly cooked! As we got older she made it a point that she didn’t have to cook because my dad brought home food all the time. So therefore she was priveleged. But yet touting the benefits of great home cooked meals! You can’t have both woman! What a hypocrite. Feeding us leftovers and showing off you’re lucky you don’t have to do much but forcing understanding of food culture. So I only focus on one part. But I must bring my brain back to both. The reality that I don’t know what it’s like to grow up with good home cooked Indian food after the age of 12. And my mom was all talk. Say that out loud. The more I don’t the more I believe the lie. She was a master liar and fed us lies and we spoke those to ourselves and others. I think j still do.

    Next time I think about good. Indian food. I shouldn’t think yes I was taught this is good for you. I should think – I know nothing about it. My mom taught me nothing valuable. Yes I would love to learn about it now on my own and with the help of good authentic people who have the knowledge about it. Not a liar.

    I want to reprogram my memories. Not Just focus on one part.

    I have value for the fact that I speak 2 languages equally fluently. English and my native language. But – what came with that. My mother’s extreme judgement of other kids who don’t. Her feeling that since she did such a good job as a mother doing that she didn’t have to do other things ?!you can’t pick and choose what qualities to give to a child and then Pat yourself on the back. She didn’t pick and choose she did nothing.

    Anything of value I learned is just by chance. That’s it.

    #217519
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I see something. My distress is this:

    Seeing something as it is in reality (annoying, not for me, upsetting) but not allowing myself to go with what I Intrinsically want to do (stop talking, step back, not engage). I don’t want to care half the time but I force myself to.

    This creates distress. Just like when I was a child sensing fear from seeing how horrific my mother is but unable to escape. Same. Instead sense fear and react. Do what you want to do. There is no shoulds.

    #217579
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    “I didn’t choose anything. The role I played as an adult was formed as a child”. Yes. In that mental unit of you and your mother, you overextended yourself to her so to make up for her underextending to you. You tried to fix her (“Well I can’t fix her”) so that she will be able to take care of you, so that you will be able to finally rest under that blanket, in quietness.

    “I am not a super friend… I am super obsessed with being involved”- what an accurate and honest statement.

    You wrote: “I felt good release .. A small little feeling of letting that control go. I’m not sure if it will stick”- it is a beginning, a small pathway that was formed. Later other pathways will be activated and this particular one will seem gone. But it is there, and “practice makes perfect” means returning to this one pathway and building on it, connecting more pathways to it.

    “parenting an inadequate mother”- this is the original over extending, the birth of the role. The role was born in your relationship with your mother and extended to your sister, and to others.

    “Wow. Everything she taught me is wrong… Even a wrong clock is correct twice a day…fed us lies and we spoke those to ourselves and others… a liar”- powerful. We believe everything our mothers say, when we are children. When what they say is a lie, believing it is true and living according to that lie, as if it was true, caused distress and dysfunction. Believing what is true and living according to what is true brings calm and best functioning.

    anita

     

    #217615
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Believing what this true is a big part of healing I see. What is really true, not the memory plugged in my mind. I have been doing an exercise yesterday that helped a lot.

    I would see something which would ignite a memory. I would then observe what comes to mind but dig deeper and see the true reality. I would then remind myself the whole memory, not just the first thought.

    For example I saw an ice cream truck on our walk. First thing – oh my mom used to always take us. Full thing – oh my mom always said how she ran as fast as she could with us to the ice cream truck, she mentions it into adulthood. Normal. No. What she did is not an act of god and to repeat it as to get credit for it cheapens the experience.

    To see the reality is liberating. To accept it is key

     

     

     

     

     

    #217627
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    The truth shall set you free, “To see the reality is liberating“-

    healing is about freedom and liberation from untrue, or false beliefs, the distorted thinking that results from these false beliefs, and the distress that goes with it.

    anita

    #217695
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel lighter today than yesterday. How incredible it has only been one day. This shows the power of truth telling. It truly does. Yesterday I was open and vented. I saw a memory but then targeted the reality of the memory. Real work happening. And it is real. Ibfeel it. That relief that is so elusive, well u got a small taste of it. Why? Because I persisted.

    There is no honor in always rising above. Denying your authentic needs. There is no honor only depletion.

    The reality is the truth doesn’t isn’t pretty. The reality is what you need sometimes isn’t going to make others feel good. The truth is what serves you may not serve another person. But If the truth is yours, that’s what matters.

    I know there are some triggers in my life right now that I am going to curtail. It may lead to discomfort within me to make these changes. That’s okay.

    I have spent a lifetime of feeling worried I wouldn’t be there enough for others. But the whole time never being there enough for myself. And now husband. How interesting that I am so obsessed with being there for others even when it’s not necessary. But yet deny my husband this much needed prioritization.

    My mother never taught me the sanctity of marriage. She never taught me much at all. I can learn how. But in order to learn I can and will be selfish. It is my time and if it is all about me. So be it. I need to learn from scratch and it will take all my will. Sorry there isn’t any left for anyone else. (except husband and I)

    #217697
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am losing focus, feeling tired. I will soon be away from the computer for the next 16 hours or so. I read only the beginning of your recent post and am glad you are feeling lighter today! I will read the rest of your post and any you may add before I am back and reply then.

    Looking forward to read from you. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #217699
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    To continue… see Anita I thought that in time I could do it all, give myself some time solo to heal and then get back into being super human and heal at the same time. Well that’s not possible. So I thought I tone it back some and not be superhuman but do maybe half as much. And then continue to heal. Well you know what that’s too much too. Maybe I don’t have to do any of it. The answer is in order to fully heal and put all of my power energy towards it, that is my sole 100% priority. It is as though you only have one job in this life and that is it. So be it. This is my job. I choose it. Well this is how I have to think about it. In order to do a fantastic job at it, I have to remind myself it is my sole  and only job at this moment. Just like a childs job when they are born is to only eat and grow. That’s it. Starting from the basics I am learning and growing so I must nourish myself completely. I cannot afford to give any ounce of this to anyone else or anything else. I have full control and how I foster my energy, I give myself permission to do so.  It is now or never. I see the beginning of growth now. And for it to continue I will value and protect me above all. And then this may also translate into valuing my marriage above all. Something I have never ever done.

Viewing 15 posts - 391 through 405 (of 1,634 total)

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