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Cali Chica

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  • in reply to: Self Trust #216841
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    its funny that you just replied as I was left with a second thought (as I often am these days because I have been extra introspective).

    The idea of distraction is interesting. Of course it is not possible to literally sit all day and try to “process” your thoughts, abuse, etc. These things take time and have to happen on their own. But of course we can create situations in which we can make space for such.

    I definitely think that there are some healthy distractions in my toolbox, but I think that it is almost learning how to live appropriately again. I recall in my 20s I hardly wanted to spend one second Alone. I was running running running. It all makes sense why I always felt like I had to run. Now I know that I don’t have to run always but yet there are certain things I do enjoy doing.

     

    They say that when you uncover all the abuse it can make you sick to your stomach sometimes, I did experience some of this. I also experienced the head spinning affective really processing a lot. Of course I don’t want to bombard myself and I do need to give myself a mental break.   This is not like studying for medical school when have to wake up and do it in a regimented way. Of course it doesn’t work that way!

    But I will say something. I have always felt like I would get a fleeting thought about something but I could never change. For example I would not think before speaking and hurt someone. And that person would explain to me that I often do this, and that I really should work on it. (Objective truth I see now). This happens a lot with my husband.   I see now that I never learned from any of these behaviors, compulsions, habitual negative actions, tics almost.  because I never processed. I do wonder the best way to process it, I understand practice but I do wonder how I can make things stick long-term

    I never sat and processed I just parted out anything that came to mind. It is not unlike my mother. I know that I have many qualities of my mother I know that this does not make me a bad person it just makes me her daughter someone that was raised by her and train by her. This is something I do want to work on not only because it can affect other people, it is not a good way to live it is an uneasy and unsettling way to live to not have the calm and peace to look with An first. To think and process before speaking. Often if you think I’m process, then there really is not much to say. I know I may be speaking a lot of nervous energy, this is not unlike my texting or constant habits of doing, perhaps it is all just running. Doing doing doing, running running running.    Can’t stay still, or the fear will take over. Right? I wouldn’t know as I can’t recall being still

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Cali Chica.
    in reply to: Self Trust #216829
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Good morning Anita,

    I am processing your thought today. I took the day off today. After an entire weekend of sitting with my thoughts and digging deeper, it has been quite exhausting. I am not complaining about this is I do believe that the real work is exhausting. It is much easier to distract and do fun activities. But I decided I did deserve a mental health day. Today I will relax and write more later

    in reply to: Self Trust #216751
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I read also these blog posts about children raised by narcissists.  I was careful, as public blogs like these can be, what’s the term – all over the place, and not something I usually like to get too involved in.  It is kind of like social media.

    Anyway, there was a sub thread for Indian children raised by narcissists.  And some of these stories were jaw dropping.  It almost felt like I wrote some of them myself.  Now given that Indian culture does consist  of many unhappy mothers whose sole existence is to be a mother, and their entire self worth is based on what their kids do, and how it looks in society.  Yes, it does go to the extreme sometimes and I do believe NPD may be quite prevalent.  What seems like a mother just being an Indian mom, could be in many ways a true disorder.  I know it is in my case.

    I remember my mother would tell us that our aunt (dad’s sister in law) in India was crazy and unstable.  If she didn’t get her way she would stand in front of the stove and threaten to light her self on fire.

    Imagine, our mom is telling us this – but SHE herself has the same types of characteristics! Oh how unbelievable.

    So on this blog, a 16 year old was writing about how he was getting compared to a friend, and when he asked his mom why it was so important for him to be like his friend, she had an outburst.  First of all, so precocious of him to start seeing something was wrong with his mother early on.  At 16 I never did think such a think.

    but at age 30 when I did start to understand, and asked my mother – why does having the engagement party the way you want it matter  so much, that it is causing me daily stress and headaches.  To which my mother cursed me for being weak, and against her.  Not being smart like other children who know whats good for the family.  Not having the intelligence and forward thinking and family values of other kids who know how to protect “their own.”

    This is interesting to me, this is not uncommon among Indian mothers.  I will speak of my own though. The concept that others are smarter and will get ahead, and you will be left behind.  The concept that this kid got ahead because he was more clever than you, and you are foolish and ignorant because you don’t possess these qualities.  I recall a friend M, who had this boyfriend who did everything for her when we were in our 20s.  My mom knew about her.  This was after I had broken up with bf #1, and I was single.  My mom would say, see girls like M, they’re smart they know how to lure guys like that, and get their way, people like us, we don’t have that luck.

    I believed it – some girls are smart, they know how to get good guys.  I don’t have that “ability.” Oh how sad, and I had this great guy for 7 years and I let him go, oh how worse.  Now what- I am doomed.  Not only do I not have the luck and ability to get a good guy like M did, I let go of what I DID have.  Key point in my head throughout my 20s. 

    So back to the above, yes constantly.  We aren’t smart like those people, they get ahead, we are left behind. This haunts me to this day.  I see it. When I started getting really obsessive over this business stuff, I would see women on the internet, who had a good following, and think, look she’s “smart” she lured them all in even though she may not be authentic.  And look at me, authentic but not smart enough to do that – sigh.

    I see here the theme, of intrinsic self doubt.  Intrinsically believing I am unlucky, and others will get ahead, and I will be left behind – for no other reason than luck, and not being clever enough to be like them.

    _____________

    I remember my parent’s 25th wedding anniversary.  given that my mother’s family (who is here in the US, my dad’s side is mostly in India – his side is a whole other story). My mother’s family was always terrible and jealous of her.  They were also terrible to me as a child (I mentioned jealousy over how I looked vs my cousin).  Long story short, they all stuck together, and my family we were left out.  Often left out of family events such as christmas parties.  We were often lonely on holidays when we were younger because of this.

    So my parent’s 25th anniversary comes around, and my whole family was invited.  This was during a time where my aunts and uncles had a better relationship with us, and we were seeing them regularly (it was always back and forth, love hate, but they all got together and enjoyed each other as though they were one big happy family).  While we were setting up at the restaurant.  We had printed pictures out of them to display.  My mom had made sure we did what everyone does.  Have nice pictures to display of us as a family.  She instructed my sister to let everyone know we were going to make it a surprise for them, but they had found out last minute.  She wanted everyone to know they were loved and important enough that it was a surprise party for them..

    in reply to: Self Trust #216749
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, one singular person.  Her always..

    Oh how confusing it was for me growing up.  Yes, it was all about her, but it made sense to us – for she was a victim herself.  victim of her own family emotionally abusing her, isolating her.  Victim of my father’s physical abuse.  This “poor woman” was so beaten and battered, she didn’t know how to cope.  Of course she is sad and angry.

    I have been doing a tremendous amount of reading this weekend.  I am now going back to the roots. Ever since I had this awakening, i.e. first wrote on Tiny Buddha about what was going on – it was focused on now, the present day.  Of course it was.  I was writing to you about present day events, and a lot centered on my wedding.

    Of course those patterns are deep rooted, and started from birth.  I now see that my level of suffering is from a lifetime of being treated this way, but only the most recent events register the most.

    In fact, I was reading a lot about mother’s with narcissistic personality disorder.  It was reading about this over 2 years ago that made me clue in to the fact that “something” might be wrong with my mother.  She fit all of the criteria to a T – it was jaw dropping that such criteria could exist – how could general criteria fit my mother so well! And that means there are others?! This is a true disorder.

    Diagnosis or not is not my point, it does not matter what her label is – the fact that is a true abuser and has characteristics known to be objectively abusive is key.

    So I am going back to that, and the more I read the more I see that children born and raised into these households not only suffer severe anxiety and/or depression, they suffer PTSD.

    Now once again, I am not going to attach myself to a diagnosis or a term.  especially  given that I am a physician I see many people cling SO tightly to diagnostic terms, in order to validate what they feel.  “see look i have PTSD.” That is not my goal here. But it was quite eye-opening to read about the complex PTSD that adult children of these narcisstic mothers suffer from.  Why? because it describes me.

    See I always knew something was off balance.  Maybe just some anxiety.  Maybe I am hyper-aware.  Maybe I am depressed (I mean very likely because my maternal grandmother had severe depression and committed suicide).  Maybe I have ADHD (I always do have trouble focusing on one task at a time). Yes I have insomnia. Yes I have chronic pain complaints over the last 10 years (neck tension and headaches).

    Yes, all the above.  But what i see now is something hard to put into words –  I will try my best.

    I am not an anxious or depressed person.  No.  What I am suffering from is a lifetime of repressed emotions from the abuse I endured.

    I am not a person with attention issues. My body and brain are constantly reacting to the years of abuse.

    Everything that I am, every negative thing I feel, every moment of myself not feeling good – is all mirrored from the abuse I suffered.

    It is from the trauma.  I may not have active trauma now, it doesn’t matter.  My parents could be dead, it doesn’t matter.

    Call it post-traumatic stress disorder, call it a lifetime of abuse starting in childhood hiding in the adult child manifesting itself every second.

    So how is this treated? First recognizing the trauma.  Then slowly releasing it.

    I started yesterday remember a lot from my childhood, things that weren’t particularly outrageous, but “normal life.”

    Things like the disney world example.

    Things like how it was so normal for every time my dad was stressed or angry, for him to blame the family for his heart attack.  But then a second later, for my mom to join his side, and curse the daughters that caused his heart attack.

    Things like being in medical school and just finishing an exam, walking to my car.  Answering my mother’s phone call. It was my father on the phone, asking for advice.  My mother had an “emotional affair” with one of the workers at our house.  (cliche much – so much more on that later, not sure if I ever talked about this).  And somehow in this disgusting web of what is my parents, my father was involved.  My mother was distraught over the fact that this guy, N we will call him, was no longer answering her phone calls and wanting to see her.  So she would stop eating and lay around, failure to thrive.  Like I said I would like to elaborate on this later. So it went something like, she now wanted my father to protect her from this sadness she was experiencing.  They were on their way to drive to where N was going to meet them.  And my mother was going to tell him, no more, I don’t want to be hurt – or something like that.  So they are calling me on their drive there, and pretty much asking me what they should do…

    Yup just another day leaving the medical school campus after an exam.

    in reply to: Self Trust #216737
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes it was always we. It was her assumption that she and I (and sister) felt the same in the world as her. She forced this identity into us. Instead of I am unlucky and sad it was we. Thus it is hard for us in our adulthood to remove the subconscious belief that all that is true. It is deeply ingrained

    in reply to: Self Trust #216693
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will continue my reflection here as it is serving me well on this Saturday, feel free to read at your leisure as the rest will be reflections of my childhoos

    We spent a summer in Chicago once.  Perhaps when I was in middle school.  who knows, those summer breaks were so long, you could do so much in 2.5 months.  speaking of, i remember the adults discussing how it was too long for kids to be out of school as it required planning of keeping them entertained.  well, i hear this now amongst my colleagues too. somethings may be universal.  however, my mom’s thinking is never universal.

    we stayed with my aunt (mother’s sister) in chicago.  she is in a terrible marriage (with a man who overtly cheats on her with a mistress, who the whole family has a relationship with – as though she is my aunt’s friend) bizarre, that’s a story for another day. well one summer my whole family was there because it was my cousin’s birthday party. aunts and uncles and cousins came in for a week or so.  my mother, sister, and I stayed longer, around a month since we had summer break, and my mom doesn’t work. my aunt did not not have much money at the time.  She lived in a complex of a lot of immigrants in a more urban area. this was in contrast to our big beautiful home in the suburbs of NJ, that was not diverse and urban.  so on the outside, my parents had a more successful life, better house, better town, etc.  of course, however, the town in chicago was much more fun.  everyone sitting outside after dinner.  tons of Indian immigrants people for my aunt and mom to relate to and speak with.  noise and chaos and kids everywhere.  that’s how it goes.  my mother felt these places were the happiest.  and where we lived was cold and alone.  sure there was some objectivity to that.  there is a difference between the energy level of the Bronx versus an upscale suburb outside of the city.  and yes, many people do feel isolated in the suburbs.  but my mom took this concept to a whole new level.

    another summer, perhaps when i was 10, we spent the whole summer in India.  now, my mother has always glamourized her life in India.  It was fun, and authentic – people were kind and open and supportive, the perfect life of a girl from a small village where everyone knows you, and neighbors have open doors.  So much of this is true in comparison to America.  the culture in Asia and even Europe can be very different when it comes to community, neighborhoods, friendliness, and openness.  Yet it can be.

    But once again my mother took this to a whole other level.  I remember one of my last days of being in India, I was sitting on a swing writing.  I was always huge into reading and writing (something that continues to this day).  I was inquisitive and thoughtful beyond my years.  So I was sitting and writing a letter, it went something like this:

    Dear India,

    I will miss you.  You are the only place in the world, where people are kind and the world shines bright.  Neighbors love each other and help each other.  There is no loneliness…

    I was around 10-13 years old.  I also recall returning from this trip, and going up to my room and crying for the rest of the day that I was back to sad, lonely America.

    Fast forward some years, I went to Harvard summer school in between 10th and 11th grade or so.  I think I was 16. It was a summer program for gifted children, where we took some college courses, and had an experience living on the campus.  This was something I wanted to do, and my parents were supportive.  In context, my life was good.  I had a lot of friends, I did well in school, and even had a boyfriend (the first boyfriend I wrote about)

    I had a wonderful summer, met people from all over the world. became especially close to my roommates, a girl from Texas, and one from Japan. It was an enriching experience.

    I returned in the fall, and fell into what I can explain best as a melancholy state.  I recall being despondent, sad.  “What an amazing experience in Boston – now I’m back to my normal life.  No one here is as amazing of a friend.  The friends I have here do not come close to the amazing people I met there.” I felt sad to be back, I felt upset at the caliber of the friendships I had at home.  I felt what I had at home was not good enough.

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #216691
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Others don’t need us – but we need them.

    1. assumption that others are fine and whole, we are not.
    2. assumption that they don’t need to look outside themselves, but we do
    3.  objectifying that this is just the way it is, it is a truth of life (not an opinion)
    4. because we need others – we always have to try
    5. others may not try with us – because they do not need us

    What does this equate to in each statement?

    1. we are by nature not fine, we are flawed, we are unlucky – but they are lucky to be fine
    2. we must always seek outward efforts, we have no choice
    3. this is just the way we are born onto this earth, it is our (poor) destiny
    4. we cannot cease trying, ceasing trying = loneliness
    5. even if they don’t need to try, we must, because we are the lonely unlucky ones
    in reply to: Self Trust #216685
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sometimes its essays, sometimes streams of consciousness.  Whatever it is – it is processing.

    I like that you wrote to make it a habit to attend to my husband, I like even more that you stated to make it my first social priority.

    This is key, as nothing was ever enough for my mother, we were never enough, her life was never enough. what everyone else had, however, was always more than enough.

    so what is it that THEY had?

    • if they were poor, they had contentment despite poverty, lucky them, more than enough
    • if they had a big family, they were lucky to always have companions, more than enough
    • if they were happy on their own, they were lucky enough not to feel lonely, more than enough
    • if they had a husband who attended to them, they were lucky enough to be a priority for someone
    • if they were divorced, but fine, they were lucky enough to be independent on their own

    What they had was always more than enough.  But if we insert here here into any of those scenarios, suddenly the perspective changes.  She is unlucky in any of them, always.

    Today, my biggest decision was when to go to the lake with my dog.  This doesn’t happen much as my days are much busier and filled with “decisions.” Like many people

    But the difference is, unlike most people, this is out of habit.  This is out of being raised in a way that having down time without many decisions, is boring, sad, and lonely.  It is unlucky.

    So today I actively sought out this disposition.  A perfect summer day where there are many activities.  The beach, and fairs, and nyc outings.  So much to do,  yet, I chose none of them.  I woke up at my usual early hour, and did some cleaning and organizing.  It was interesting because these things are usually dreaded tasks, performed under a time constraint.  But today my day was endless.  I observed.  I observed how this made me uncomfortable throughout the day.  The concept that the day was endless, up to me, and I chose it this way.  It felt unsettling.  But this goes along with what we spoke about yesterday, sit through the discomfort.  It is the fear that makes me run, continue to run.  Run into oblivion.

    I recall lazy summer days during break as a child.  I recall how hard my mother would try to make sure my sister and I were never lonely.  Open up the phone book and make play dates.  Think about day trips, and events.  From the outside, this is thoughtful, and perhaps one range off normal.  But if I close my eyes, the energy is palpable.  It is a nervous energy, a worry.  Oh gosh will they be lonely.  Yes they will. The other people on the block, their kids all have each other activities and each other. What will mine do?

    Sure, there was some truth,  I was left out in my neighborhood many times by the group of kids.  Yes, this did include an element of racism, subtle.  I was the only non-white child in the neighborhood, and this was before my town was as diverse and open minded as it is today.  So sure, that is sad, and unfortunate.  I often looked back at these memories and thought of that first.  Oh, that’s kinda sad that kids can be mean and leave others out, so my mom had to find ways for me to have fun.

    The idea of a child all alone during the summer is not pleasing to anyone.

    But there’s more to it now.  What I see now is that there was no protection.  See, the world can be bad, downright terrible.  It can be this way to good people and bad people alike.  So if something such as negative childhood experiences happen, it is the job of the parent to protect us.  It is no matter what.

    My mother felt so hurt  by all this herself, she was in no condition to protect me. But – you know what.  It doesn’t matter.

    If I am insulted in front of my (make believe) child. Yes, I will be hurt and offended.  If my child is left out, I will be even more hurt and offended.  But I will be sure that my child doesn’t believe that the world is always like this.  That this is in indication of the world being a sad and bad place, and that people do this.  No, that is my job to make sure she doesn’t think this.

    Quite the opposite.

    So back to summer.  I recall so much deliberation about plans.  I recall playing with a friend Elise until high school.  I remember when I was 12 years old or so, her family was doing a day trip to a theme park.  My mother had called them earlier that week and asked if I could join.  The mother had stated something along the lines of sorry it’s a family day.

    My mother was hurt, she says to me later that week, look at these American people.  They don’t like to invite others.  See they’re enjoying but what difference would it make if you would go along, we would pay and everything of course.

    It made me sad, it made me feel like others don’t need us – but we need them.

    Wow – A theme of life (my life)

    Others don’t need us – but we need them. 

    I’ll have to let this one sink in.  What a sad, pathetic, and desperate way to live…

    in reply to: Self Trust #216587
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What you wrote hit home.  Especially this:

    “unless you slow down every single day, like you did today, withstand the discomfort”

    Yes, no therapist, medication, alternate universe will “fix me” unless I myself slow down. Straight forward enough – but so difficult.  Difficult because as you wrote, it is this practice everyday uncomfortable and exhausting – that ultimately rewires the brain.

    The beauty of it though, is that even small steps of slowing down can often reap immediate benefits.  Of course over long term continuation is required for true re-wiring.  But as you mentioned, to feel that good feeling, or change – is most convincing.

    Today I came home from work, and my husband did not look like himself.  Now he never complains, and as you can gather from all I have shared, he is the most selfless person I know.  But as you know, all of this has taken an incredible toll on him.  I see it in the form of wear on his face.  Going from no gray hairs to speckles of gray just since the wedding (something that saddens me).  It is as though it is an outward reminder of what all of this (parents) have done to not only me, but him.  Perhaps him to even a greater degree given that he went from a balanced and positive disposition to exposure to evil/hate/battering.

    So for the first time EVER, I listened to him and “attended” to him without feeling pulled to be elsewhere (in mind or body).  Sure I have in the past done nice things, made dinner, provided support, etc – but my point is the mindfulness.

    It was only 6 pm on a Friday, and this gave me anxiety.  It is so early, what am I going to do tonight? Wait no set plan yet – hmm should I actually join those girls for dinner, I had said I’m not sure.  Thoughts racing as always.

    Then I see his face, his sullen face, and his broken spirit.  Even the strongest men crumble sometimes.  He said, I don’t feel so great.   I said to myself, listen, this is the moment – prove to yourself you are capable of slowing down, of true caring, being present with what you love.  Something that may be so second nature to someone else, may not be for me.

    So I did, and over the last hour, we sat, we talked, ate dinner.  That’s it.  Only one hour – but it taught me something:

    I didn’t miss anything in that hour.  And nothing missed me. 

    How often we feel that we can’t disconnect and be mindful out of fear of “missing something.” An update, a phone call, an “answer”  – but I delved deep and thought, what does this actually equate to in life? Usually not much.

    Sure there are those times we are anxiously awaiting a phone call, email, or some answer from someone.  Yes, during those times it makes sense it is hard to step away.  Yet, how often does that happen in a normal life (outside of say when we are on call as doctors, etc).  I see that during this times it does happen, yet when those moments pass – we do not know how to turn it off.  We are perpetually fearful of unplugging and disconnecting out of fear of missing something.  This plagues me more than anyone I know, yet it is a societal issue.

    • a mother breast feeding while texting
    • eating breakfast while sending emails
    • checking your phone while talking to a loved one
    • planning the next vacation while on the present one

    The list goes on, feeling that we are saving time- but none of these things actually save us much of anything whether it be time or energy.  We don’t miraculously have extra energy to spend at the end of the day because of these habits, instead we are more burnt out given that we over-did it, tried to be super human.

    Human beings can multi-task.  We can drive while talking.  We can type while listening to a conversation.  We can do a lot.  Our brains are amazing organs.  But we have limits.  Limits that are not meant to be surpassed on a daily or chronic basis.  Living to the “max” (maximal effort, multi tasking , doing) by individuals such as myself leads to severe depletion.

    I see this now.  I see there’s no point.  This behavior and pattern is joy robbing, energy sucking, and floating.  Floating through life without any valid experiences.

    Well this is what my anxiety has made me, and my mother never taught me to sink and savor.  She was always looking onto something else such as in Disney world.  But I have an innate ability to slow down.  We all do.  We aren’t put onto this earth as super human anxious robots.  No we smile, laugh, and observe the world when we are born. We still have the ability, but instead we don’t press pause, we press fast forward.

    Forward to what? to nowhere.

    in reply to: Self Trust #216495
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I posed such a difficult question to you without a direct answer. Forgive me. I reflected in it all last evening. And I learned. The way to slowly undo that baseline fear and anxiety is to do no other than simplify and observe.

     

    Yesterday I came home and got back into my hectic pattern. Pattern of multitasking yet not doing any one thing mindfully. The pattern of acting out of compulsion (we have discussed before. To text someone to talk but realize you don’t actually want to talk it was just habit to be social). All of it.

    And then I stopped. I was present. As in I did much of nothing. It is quite uncomfortable. I wanted to check my phone repeatedly to see if I got a new email. Why? Because I was expecting something important? No.  Not anymore. But the compulsion remained from all the times in the past few months that I was. Habits don’t die when the external changes.

    I simplified my expectations of myself for this weekend. I realize that I often approach a day or weekend with subconscious stress bexuase I actively sought out to make the day complicated. Piling on too many activities. Expecting too much. Perhaps busy for the sake of feeling I must do as much as possible always. Uber productivity. max potential.  But all that leads to is burnout and the other extreme – feeling exhausted lifeless and down. No in between.

    So today is the first day in a long time I did not wake up with dread. I woke up neutral. Thought about oh it’s Friday. That’s it. Sure Mt thoughts went elsewhere within a few moments. But that first feeling when I wake up has become important to me. It is telling on how I slept and how I spent the time before sleeping the night before.

    I simplified yesterday against what felt natural. It felt as though I was missing something to just listen to my husband talk without worrying about something else. Felt I was forgetting something If I didn’t obsess over every aspect of my upcoming weekend. But no. I survived it. And I slept.

    I hope I continue. I hope that simplifying soon over time becomes second nature. As it is quite self protective.

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #216443
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Well explained thank you. In regards to the last part of your post, how does one: anxiety re-attach it, so to speak, to the original danger. Whether it be in psychotherapy, etc, in your opinion how does one begin to attempt to do that

    in reply to: Self Trust #216385
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for this response. It is the most or one of the most Incredible and helpful things I’ve read in years, or perhaps ever. A true and direct explanation to what I am personally feeling.

    I will be sure to come to this often when I wonder and forget this sense of no relief and constant fear.

     

    You wrote: The child is motivated to run, like an animal  in nature with a predator approaching, but there is nowhere to run to and the hope for safety is still with the mother. So a child stays, afraid. The fear does not relax but a running away to safety has not taken place. Unlike in nature where the predator, after running away, is no longer in sight, the mother-predator is still in sight, day after day, year after year. And so, the fear stays; it is anxiety

     

    This is it. Wow. So by nature of not truly running away and in fact staying with your predator, the child also develops and inability to trust his own feelings right? Because when an innate and I tuitive feeling is to run from fear, and that does not happen. It must cause confusion. It must make it hard for the child to see what innate “feings” he should trust then. Give that he never found relief and is still in the continuous blur of anxiety. Perhaps that’s also why self trust never develops. How can one trust when he was not able to follow his most basic instinct?

     

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #216375
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    One thing that came to mind after I posted previous is the following.

    I am someone that is ridden with anxiety, worry, and often self doubt. Yet, the biggest decision I have ever made – to stop contact with my mother. I have not once felt anxious over it, or doubted it. Interesting.

    To be honest I don’t feel much about it. Perhaps this is repression.  Perhaps it is over exhaustion of “feeling” pathways. I sometimes actually forget that I don’t speak to a mother! As in I’ll be in conversation with an acquaintance and theyll mention something like oh going to my mom’s this weekend. I think oh. I never feel sad.

    This could also be because I have a wonderful relationship with my in laws and know they are supportive. It is not something I look to access all the time, as in I am by no means seeking this extremely close relationship with my mother in law in hopes of replacing my void of a mother. No not at all. It is more that I know they’re there and always are supportive without any negativity.

    So anyway. This one big decision. Nope never thought twice. It hardly crosses my mind that I made the decision. For I am much more focused on how to live better now. To not suffer. To in a way start again. Learn how to think again. To diminish self here and diminish trauma.

    in reply to: Self Trust #216373
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    tbank you and yes I intend to ask directed questions. I interestingly have anxiety about meeting a psychotherapist that is not on the same “wavelength.” Given that I am not going to someone in the sense of “Hello I have no idea what’s wrong with me help.” But instead insight and ability to communicate my issues, it is that much more important to find a right fit. I hope I do. Wish me luck. I met someone yesterday, and I am meeting someone tomorrow. I must have patience as choosing this person is an important decision and perhaps long term relationship.

    You wrote: The most accessible feeling for the very anxious is anger. Seems like every other feeling, maybe even anger, will simply destroy us, that we can not endure it. There is a felt belief that a feeling in itself is dangerous.

    – interesting.  If feeling itself is dangerous, that must be why we (i avoid it). Why is it perceived this way? Is this what happens over time with cause and battering that we then begin to believe that feeling anything at all is too painful and dangerous? It is true the only accessible feeling I have is anger. Sure I “enjoy” a nice yoga class, being in the sun, a good meal. Sure. I have the ability to know what I like and don’t like etc. All of that. But it is not true feeling. It is almost like it is thought vs feeling.

    The ultimate purpose after all is to feel good. Pay attention to your breathing, right now, if you will. Is it constricted? Relax it. How does it feel?

    My breathing is constricted. My breathing is always constricted. So much so that I don’t realise it is, because I don’t have the liberty of having nice easy breathing. This is how I feel. Sometimes when I try to relax it, it feels worse. And foeced, tighter.

     

    Going with that Anita, aside from inability to feel true joy. My other theme is this: inability to feel relief. You know the idea of a “big sigh of relief.” That aaah feeling. A let down almost. Nope never feel it. Like you have stress all day for a certain phone call or test and when it’s finally over you think sigh, what a relief. Nope, see I never feel relief. It is always the same. Tight, feeling. How nice it would be to sigh a sigh of relief.

     

    in reply to: Self Trust #216359
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I met a licensed psychotherapist yesterday.  I have thought about the idea of formal therapy with a licensed professional throughout my life.  There  were times I even went to visit a school counselor, or someone of that sort.  But it was always fleeting, and I did not really find it was something I wanted to commit to.

    I feel I am at a point now where I have tremendous knowledge and insight (which is continuing to grow of course). Yet, I am at a road block, a plateau.  As you say, this here now is the real work.  With all I have done on my own, and the support of others around me (such as yourself), the next step is to possibly one day feel better.  I see that my road block is this – I have tremendous emotional pain that is repressed, and extreme difficulty releasing it.  In fact, I do not believe it can be released, as it has become my baseline state.  I hope over time, I can slowly begin to release.

    I know we spoke about in the past about the concept of numbing.  And continuing certain patterns perpetuates the numbing.

    I notice how when I talk about my last conversation with my mother – the hurtful things she says don’t make me sad.  Her words: when we found out we were having you, we should have had an abortion, makes others wince.  Yet, I say out loud, well that’s nothing – it’s been a lifetime of such.  But what I realize is that this is all painful, just not manifesting in the way of “sadness, tears, etc.” Oh how sometimes I hope it would.  I feel a release when I feel sad, or when I cry.  Instead my baseline is anxious, and fearful.

    It is stuck like concrete.  As you say all of the years of having this defense mechanism, I no longer know how to just “feel.”

    I found recently that I feel myself angry/annoyed when I see people experiencing joy easily.  What I mean is that, I was speaking to a close friend, who has a new relationship..  She was happy and exuberant and in love when she spoke about it.  I found after I felt worse, and uneasy..  I noticed that it is not that I am jealous of her relationship or anything about her life.  It is that  I am envious that she is able to enjoy this part of her life.  I too, recall having a wonderful beginning courtship with my husband – but I do not recall true joy.  I recall often thinking like the (TDW) the disney world example.  I feel envious that people can enjoy.  People can appreciate.  They can be excited and happy..  I can not.

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