Dear Anita,

Happy Monday.  I had a relaxing weekend during which I was able to enjoy some wholesome activities fully with mindfulness.  Oh what a feeling! Almost strange at first.  It felt at first I was ‘missing” something.  Shouldn’t I be worried, shouldn’t I be planning, isn’t there something to be stressed about.  I can just sit here at the lake and be in the moment and enjoy – far too easy!

But yes, I can! I see that like anything else, being and staying relaxed is also practice, a deliberate one in many ways!

I see clearly many things, people, and activities that don’t serve me, and I am glad I have the courage and confidence to not indulge in them.

Hello Anita,

Wow how profund.  I think you hit the nail on the head.  In fact, in some ways I “appreciate” not feeling excited – as it feels good to be “mellow and calm.” More of a steadier baseline than an erratic rollercoaster. yet with that comes a limitation of “feel good.”

Seeing what you wrote above it makes perfect sense.  You’re right my mother caused immense over activation, to the point of burnout.  Chronic levels of high excitement, or anxiety, are A) not healthy or sustainable and B) highly unpleasant for so long that it leads to the opposite of low feeling and depression-like state over time.

As a result, I am shielding from over excitement, as it is feels unpleasant.  it does (no matter what the culprit, whether it is positive and a normal thing that would ideally lead to joy – or negative leading to anger activation).

In a way it feels good to be at a low baseline instead of up and down.  There is still a tremendous amount of healing that needs to be doneof course too.  Slowly I am purging myself of many emotions associated with all of the trauma. As that continues there will be more space for new memories and things like joy…

Dear Anita, You too are amazing and brave. Carry that with you on this wonderful Sunday. I shall too. More reflection soon!

Dear Anita,

this is of particular interest to me as well: becoming someone’s therapist (when not a professional therapist with a client) is a futile effort to resolve one own distress by proxy, perhaps. It never works not for “the therapist” and not for “the client”. And the efforts are driven by distress, not by calm.

I realize that my previous efforts in life to be attracted to speaking about distress with others, in my own life and in others was of course fiueled by distress itself. I am not calling myself a philanthropist for seeking out helping others. In fact, I felt the need to do so because my entire world revolved around problems. If my friend came to me with a problem, I felt often paralyzed by it, absorbing the energy, feeling a very huge need to be involved. I no longer do this as I have  A better understanding of what distresses combined with boundaries are. I understand the simple concept that when someone is sharing something with me, they are just sharing. They are not expecting me to stop my life and ponder over this again and again. I realize the root of this inability before. When It came to my mother explaining an issue about her life, it wasn’t her sharing it was her giving me the burden. Saying here take it and fix it. I am a victim I must be saved. Similarly with my sister, when she did not have my parents to support her in an appropriate way, I then took on the burden. I was unable to stop this when it came to other people. An example would be that if my friend said she was having some issues with her husband, I would think about this all day. I will check in with her multiple times, and I would feel like my entire day revolved around this as well – no matter what was going on in my own life.  It wasn’t because she asked me to, that was just my baseline way. I am getting better at compartmentalizing and not allowing myself to be some so absorbed and drained. Knowing my limits and what are true healthy limits. I do know that given that I am newly on this healing path there will be some blips in the road, and I am actively avoiding those that will be emotionally draining that’s for sure! To the best I can

So back to your comment, I took on this role of “therapist“ without being told to do so because I was acting out of distress. Like attracts like. My distress attracted the distress of others. In fact I have one friend in my life, who I am no longer continuing to be in contact with because I realize now, in my new state of mind, that my entire relationship with her was based on distress. I would explain my distress to her and she would explain hers to me, it would be in different phases of life, sometime she was struggling, sometimes I was. Looking back the whole relationship was based on this dysfunction. I never truly liked her as a person surprisingly. She is not a good person! Yet I kept in touch with her over many years! How funny it is for me to say that out loud, me an individual who I think has a pretty good head on my shoulders Was friends with someone for so long, it doesn’t matter in what capacity, with an individual that I honestly didn’t like. What a concept. This of course goes back to my mother. I never realized, such as now, that I have a choice. I can choose who I want in my life. I can choose to have boundaries. I can choose to shut some people out not because I’m selfish but because their interaction is no longer serving me and not serving them either. I have learned this concept from you, as one of the first things that you have said to me before the second part of our conversations in the last few months is that you will continue to speak to me as long as it serves you in a positive way. I truly admire you saying that because I see that as something that was very self protective. To me, You are an incredible person that loves to share your wisdom, learning, and journey, but you are also very aware of your own limitations and also your own boundaries. To be aware of one’s own limitations and boundaries creates a whole new level of self-respect and self love.   I used to think that the word limitation- was negative, limitations meant limiting. Limiting – meant not able to do. Nope. Now I see the word limitation as coinciding with boundaries = knowing when to stop, knowing when enough is enough, knowing when there is no more need to give more. Knowing yourself

• This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

It does make me feel better. In fact even right after writing to you I felt better. This is because you and I have gone through so many positive exercises on how to approach this that expunging the above after I saw the note immediately allowed many of our conversations to sink in. It was as though when I wrote to you I was able to get back on track to all of the posts that have transpired. To me this is a sign of going through a great deal of self development.  I visualized my thought process is going into a box, that box being shared with you, and subsequently that box dissolving. The dissolving box is the sadness that I felt momentarily when I read the note. I did not judge myself for that sadness because I know that it is inevitable it is human. Moreover and more importantlyI never once faltered and felt bad. Never did the thought go through my mind, oh that’s so sad I miss them too. Nope, it was more just a normal reactionary emotion versus guilt or feeling that I would want to take a step back and change my decision. This is true progress.

Shortly after I got this mail, I ended up going to dinner with a few girlfriends. One of the girls is a good friend of mine and she brought two other girls that I didn’t know as well. I found myself feeling that I didn’t need to truly try to get to know these other people. As in – I was glad for the company but didn’t have to go above and beyond to overly engage with them. If that makes sense. I mention this because it is a stark contrast from me years ago as I used to feel I had to be the ring leader in engaging others. When the two girls left, I was able to talk to my friend alone and we did talk a lot about self development. She too has had some issues with her mother, but never to the degree of mine. She does not know about my decision as I have not talked to her in person for a long time, and it was quite comforting that I could listen to her and her life and some of the things that she was going through without feeling the need to pour onto her all of my Distress. I realize this is because I do not have that much distress. What a concept. I am not perfect but I no longer am Distressed and distraught I  every moment, what I have our decisions, and life events, I do not have a bundle of stress and drama that is constantly brewing through my veins at every moment. As a correlary, I noticed this is also why perhaps I needed some space from my sister, every time I speak to her I feel like there is an explosion of distress that is coming out of every pore, she doesn’t have to say anything at all, she doesn’t even have to say oh I am stressed out – I just get this energy from her. Perhaps this is ingrained in me, or perhaps it is reality.  Also while speaking to her I realize that there are many qualities that her and I share. Now that I am working on some of those qualities I observe them from the outside. I notice that before I am able to finish a sentence, She has a comment about something. I know that I was often very guilty of doing this. Noticing this from the outside I realize it is not a good quality and I want to continue to make sure that I don’t do that anymore. This is not anyone’s fault per se it is just because of the sheer amount of distress and anxiety that we have suffered with our whole life.  In addition, I find that she likes to relay everything back to her. If I am saying that I had a good day at the lake she will quickly add an oh yes me too I really had a great day. She is unable to listen without having 1 million thoughts in her head. I suffer from this too and I’m working on it, listening to her and seeing how that makes me feel and how it honestly sounds makes me want to work on it even more.  And all of these things I am not judging or blaming my sister, she is younger than me and is going through a great deal herself. I am picking up on these habits and ways of being, and noticing my similarities and it pushes me to further develop.

In addition, I noticed that I do not like to have excessive social interaction. What I mean by this is that before I would be the type of person to stay on the phone with summer for hours on end, because of many reasons, because I like to be social, because that was the thing to do. I realize that I like to compartmentalize my social interactions with others as I find a lot of comfort in myself.  I don’t need to seek it out in othes

It goes for everyone I find comfort in my own self I do not feel the need to talk to someone for hours and take on all of their issues and become someone’s therapist. I feel it is good to have some level of social interaction but once again put that into a box and then also walk away and have my own self to attend to

Good morning Anita,

I hope you are having a good week so far.

I like what you wrote: “I found that once I walked long enough on what I call the healing path, I went too far to be able to go back to the old and habitual.”

I can understand this.  I have not walked on the path long enough just yet, but even the progress I have made thus far, makes me see this.  I find myself thinking this way when I hear something of the “old way.”  I don’t feel “better” than it, it is more like I have transcended it in some way.  Or more simply put, it no longer has meaning to me.

I have a friend from college who is one of my best friends who was complaining about a girl (who I used to be close to years ago).  The things she says this girl does are so ridiculous and immature to me.  I know that even a year ago it would have angered me.  Not because it was personal to ME, but just the concept that human beings can act that way and think it is okay and “get away” with it.

I now see that first: no one is getting away with anything.  It is just the life that someone like her chooses, to be selfish and full of drama.  Good for her.  What you put out in the world you get back.  Second, I just don’t care.  Great – she acted insane.  Great- she did this. Who cares! She has no meaning to me.

I recall having so much trouble “not caring.” It was one of those things that people said often to convince themselves. “Oh I don’t care.  Oh whatever.” I feel the more one says this to themself over and over, the more they are trying to convince themself.  Like my quote earlier, often individuals need to be heard out loud by others, when they do not hear their own self clear enough.

It was so much effort! To not care, or to pretend to not care.  It is so much effort for everyone.  Yet, now – it is seamless to not care about things that are truly not worth caring about (such as peripheral individuals, or inconsequential items).  I find that I do not TRY to do this, it just is.  It’s like I just can’t be bothered.  I also find that I am better at changing the subject when it contains something that is not “worth it.” For example, I let my friend vent of course, and then shortly after said “so anyway, how was your weekend otherwise.”

I finally learned how to “nip it.” Turn the conversation elsewhere.  Make it known that the previous gossip/talk about someone who is not a good person/unnecessary drama is just not worth the short time we have for a conversation.  I recall years ago having a conversation with an older friend and she had done this quite a few times in the conversation.  I recall it distinctly, and after I got off the phone – I remember thinking wow she definitely wanted to direct the conversation a certain way – I wasn’t offended, I found it pretty mature! It does feel good to be the person doing it now.  Not to say I will always do it, and not to say that I don’t need to be led on the right track from time to time.  I sure do.  But the point is, it is nice to see from the outside the utility in truly only engaging in what serves you in a positive way (to the best of your ability that you can choose and control).

I also find that this tactic allows for more space for your mind to focus on what is good.  When we are inundated with so much distraction about this person and that, and a lot of nonsense — our neuropathways are saturated.  There is hardly any energy or space in the mind for our mind to then wander to something good or positive.  It is almost like a roadblock. We can’t blame our mind at that point – we saturated it.  The mind does not have the ability to give more at this point…

Dear Anita,

Happy April.  I am not one that is into new year’s resolutions, fad diets, etc.  However, I have felt compelled to take this month to really detoxify, and sink in.  Take the month of April to not only let go of what no longer serves me, but take a good, cold, hard look at the habits that have been pushing me through for all these years – pushing…not living.  A big difference.

I feel compelled to take away distraction (whether that be physical or mental – more on that below), and observe what arises as a result.  Like taking off makeup, and looking at your bare face daily – you and the rest of the world, how do you feel? Like stopping pain killers, and feeling the true pain, and seeing what happens as a result to your physical and mental well-being.Like taking a walk without your phone or someone to speak to, and see what thoughts come to mind.  Deconstruct and observe.

I have returned from California, what a tiring trip. From the sheer hours of getting there, interviewing, travel, putting your best foot forward. To the weekend where my sister and I both endured stress. To the mental stress of wondering whether these job opportunities are appropriate, and if moving is an appropriate decision.  Some of this is what my husband and I call “normal” stress. Some of it is “pathological” given that it stems from my family issues and trauma/anxiety – simply put – my mother. It no longer matters what is from my mother, and what is not. In fact, as you have told my sister and I many times, the mother voice perseveres above all (especially if we let it, or don’t know any better).

I now feel myself going to another phase of this healing.  The first was the aftershock of the decision I made, and letting that sink in, feeling comfortable with it. I do. I no longer even reference that in my brain daily, it is almost like a distant story. What is left now, is me, and my life. The reality.

The reality is that I suffer. I suffer not only because of the daily life stressors, no, those are the current hurdles that I am capable of jumping over. I suffer because of the whirlwhind that has hit me over the last year, and more. I don’t live, I push through.  I push and push myself to superhuman limits.  I do not know what simple living is, well because, how could just simply living be ENOUGH? oh but it is enough…if it brings peace and happiness…it is enough — only now it will be how to arrive there after the years and lifetime of distress.

My husband and I spoke this weekend about how we feel about our friend’s wedding next year.  He opened up about how it makes him sad and frustrated getting the emails from his friend, about becoming a groomsman, the plans that they will have, and all the fun and joy that go with it.  He mentioned how it’s not about the wedding, but how they (bride and groom friends) are able to feel true joy. Unlike us, where the whole process caused so much torture and pain. To the point that we felt we ourselves were going through a deep depression, that we were inching towards the finish line of a terrible marathon, broken, injured, and defeated.  What a tragedy. What a difference. Now this is not to compare to a particular person, it is overall. No two young people about to get married deserve such treatment. This was his point. We thought about how we weren’t able to sink and savor any of it.  Ever since prior to the proposal to after the wedding it is all tainted. Not because of something small, but because my mother single handedly murdered all of it. For lack of a better term – I visualize a nice scene such as a couple walking together, or a wedding ceremony, and seeing my mother with her knife ripping it all to shreds.  This is what she did. Whether it is a 500 person wedding, whether it is one culture or the other, none of it matters. This is what she did, and this is wrong. This is so terribly wrong, and I feel the pain of it now…well to a point. I can’t say I truly feel the pain of it because it is more like fleeting thoughts that come and go, it doesn’t really sit with me ever.

When it was all going on –  I was unable to feel pain. Such as a slave carrying tons of stone across this long journey. He feels distress while doing this sure. But only after 10 years of this long journey does he see the negative impact it has had on his mind and body. And that too – will take time to sink in — such as it is for me.  The slave journey is over, what is left is piecing everything back together for some possible peace.  this is the beginning of that journey.

I am glad my husband opened up about that.  It also showed me, that no, it is not okay. I find myself saying outloud to myself and to him, well it doesn’t matter the wedding is over, and we still managed to have some fun.  No, this is not true, it does matter. Not because I would like to cling to the past – but because the poor treatment, such as the slave above, has created such deep wounds. Of course these are far reaching beyond the wedding, and the last few years have been the worst.  Although this has been a life time for me (dating back to childhood as you know from all of our talks) – the last few years have involved my husband. When I write this or think about it, I feel like I almost am at the verge of tears, but they are stuck. They are blocked. I hope in time they can release.

Prior to the proposal my parents called my husband and also his parents almost everyday throwing a tantrum and even cursing them.  Looking back the fact that I ever thought this was normal and just what “Indian parents do” is horrifying. I see now how much abuse I endured in the facade of thinking it was okay.  I see now how much abuse my poor husband has endured. This is just skimming it.  We are in a place now that we are so so utterly burnt out.  Burn out isn’t even the right term – there is no term for it.  It encompasses: severe fatigue, emotional exhaustion, trauma, sadness, anxiety, and often even hopelessness.  This sounds like a TV ad for depression doesn’t it! Well in a way I am glad to feel some of these feelings. I would rather them slowly start to come up so they can be dealt with and healed over time, versus bottled in as they were forever.  Like you said, this here is the real work. It is all starting to slowly come out, the heaviness of it all I am dealing with.  I am allowing for healthy habits, and I am minimizing distractions for my own wellness.

I know I will be writing more here as this part two of the journey begins.  It may not always sound straightforward, as a lot of these thoughts are jumbled in my own mind.  However, I am glad to get them out, and of course, as always, hear your insight.