Dear Anita, I thought of you today and I couldn’t wait to get home and put my thoughts into words. I realize something about myself today that I know is pretty deep rooted in my upbringing. It is something that I always valued as a great quality about myself, but now I am seeing it is also something that can be very exhausting and self-deprecating. I had a job interview today that was quite unpleasant, the reason I say this is not really about the job itself but more about the way I was treated. The details of this are not truly important, what is more so is that my gut feeling was true. Halfway during the interview I realized that it wasn’t really a positive and healthy environment for someone like myself, and so I didn’t want to continue into the second portion of the interview segment. Normally I would think that something like this would be rude and unprofessional, you should always see everything through, you should never stop short, you should always begin anything that you started and not quit. Of course you should go into portion one of the interview and also portion to, you have had this great opportunity why would you not take advantage of it I would say. But I realized today that what is most important in life is gut feeling and intuition. and so I went with that and I did not continue to pursue this current position.

The point of my story however isn’t really about this interview or about jobs at all, it is how difficult it was for me to accept what my gut feeling was telling me. It is about how difficult it was for me to say to myself you know what this feeling really sucks! I’m going to honor that and because it is a true feeling it is valid and I respect it. Instead on the contrary I felt that I had to justify it to myself, and in fact I thought that I should be more accommodating. I realize this was the key factor: it wasn’t that I was allowed to just be feeling kind of crappy about the situation. Nope. Not that simple. Instead : more about how can I deal with it. How can I deal with it. What a concept. Doesn’t this sound familiar? Coming home now and be able to sit down and really put these thoughts together this concept does sound very familiar. Looking back to my life, I couldn’t change my mom or her behavior I just had to deal with it. I couldn’t change the negative effects it had on me I had to learn how to deal with it. Did I ever in any of these years just throw my hands up and say enough is enough this is terrible and annoying and it just plain sucks. Of course not, not because I didn’t want to, not because I surpassed it, but because it wasn’t even in my realm of possibility. It wasn’t even something that came to mind. It’s like someone being on the road and driving And not even realizing that they have the option to stop the car. How could you stop don’t you have to just keep driving?

Similarly, my entire life was never something that involves an option to really feel a negative response towards my mother and the negativity she was bringing. So. I had a very difficult time today. I had an extremely difficult time accepting my negative feeling that my mind and body were giving me. I felt indebted to the experience I was having, I felt guilty for not appreciating the experience I was having, and I felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate to not go through with it. on the contrary I had to learn how to deal. I am Cali Chica I can handle anything of course I have to deal with this so what if it is a little unpleasant, what in life isn’t a little bit unpleasant if I deal with it then I can see it through.

For sure there are many parts of my when this quality is a good one. it has made me very flexible and adaptive in medical situations, it has been very useful in allowing me to move to all different parts of the country and be very flexible, it has allowed me to have a huge range of friendships and be able to relate to many different kinds of people. But there are lines. Honestly sometimes I don’t want to be so accommodating anymore. I don’t want to push the envelope anymore, I don’t want to push my boundaries anymore. I don’t want to be super accommodating, accepting, and can handle anything superwoman anymore. I want to be someone that says yes that was not really right for me so I just gracefully declined and I don’t have any guilt about it. I want to be able to have the self respect to say sorry nope that’s enough I’m just going to walk away not because I have some profound reason— but just because I simply want to. I situatiobs that are subtle (the smaller ones in life are harder to temper than large black and white situations) (examples an odd feeling with a friend or colleague etc)

I no longer have to push myself to these limits of boundaries that are self deprecating and self harmful potentially. I know my self worth I know my boundaries I know my self respect —when I feel something that is unpleasant I can evaluate and honor it. My first inclination does not have to be how do I process it better, how do I gain the strength to deal, how do I gain the strength to endure. No it does not. My first inclination can be how to protect me! Wow. Self protection, giving yourself a hug and nurturing the inner.

This is not the path of weakness this is not the path of quitting, quite contrary the path of self-preservation is actually the path of building. I realize that even one minute of my time is precious and important. even one second of a feeling of discomfort can be avoided (if I allow it – and if I can I should). For what is more important then self-respect. Self love. Self love. Wow

I am not so low That I need to stoop down at every single moment to make myself accommodating to others and their poor management, poor treatment and poor values. I am not so low that I have to stoop down and live my life the way they do. I am not so low that I have to tolerate poor behavior. If I am strong enough to walk away from my own mother, someone who gave birth to me —because of poor treatment, I should be able to walk away from anyone or anything that my gut tells me is not just. So I shall. Self love first. The rest can wait.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Good morning, I was thinking similarly last night as well. I was thinking it would be a good idea to put all of this into a book. However, then I laughed to myself. The majority of times when I speak to you I am doing it via voice text. Because I am on my phone, given my job and when I am traveling, I am 90% away from my computer. Therefore I utilize voice text a lot, but that is why my punctuation and certain words are not always written correctly! Therefore if I do want to write this down for printing, I should get back to the computer! I am just joking!

As I was making the post to you last night I noticed that there was a beginning, middle, and End. In the beginning it was more self focused, what happened to me today? Then in the middle it reflected back onto the root of this behavior, it went away from the actual incident itself and focused on the root of the discomfort and feeling. Lastly the root of the issue was tied in with future goals, the internal distress was identified as a trigger, subconscious roadblock, and then a new perspective was formed. I find that a lot of the reading I have been doing in the past was written this way. How interesting that even my post is modeled this way now, a structured through process! without me even realizing, without me even trying to make it didactic. That shows good progress to me, and it was as natural as could be!

I think of anxiety as a frenzy, a large swarm of bees buzzing around the brain, they buzz, and buzz, and buzz, they get louder and they cause you to feel even more uncomfortable, and at some point even make you scream. Or worse – feel you have to learn to live with it….

However, you can’t just tell these harmful bees to go away, why would they? I have found that the focus on the bees swarming around isn’t really the key, it is: what really attracted them to you anyway? Is there honey somewhere in your vicinity? What is it that brought bee number one to you and then subsequently bee number two and then bee number 100? What is that honey? Where is it? How did it get there? If I identify the honey, I can understand what made the bees attracted to me.

I find that if I utilize this concept to dissect normal situations I can be more strategic. For example the incident with my friend at brunch, I left it feeling uneasy, like I mentioned it wasn’t uneasy about the actual conversation that was had, it was just an overall uneasy feeling. That is often harder to understand and wrap your brain around because it is a vague feeling and not acutely attached to a certain comment, or incident. However as time went on I realized that there was some honey that I had that attracted a bee. My honey in this situation was my feeling that I had to enter and fit into the same cookie mold that my friend was residing in. Not because I felt that cookie mold was great, or better, or even attractive, but I felt that this would make the situation more comfortable. She was stating her views and living in her cookie mold, that she has been in her whole life and that she will continue to be in. I perhaps shared that mode with her at a few points in my life such as when I was 14 or 15 years old. However after that I have never really lived in that cooking mode nor did I want to. The entire conversation at brunchFelt like her bringing me to the cookie mode and saying OK now get in there and fit in, you haven’t sat in there for so long try it out. And I am contorting my body into this way and that trying to get into that mode, stretching and pulling. However at the end of it, I say not only do I not fit into the small, this mall doesn’t very comfortable, and in fact I really just don’t like it. You could enjoy your cookie mauled however I’ll go down the street and find something else perhaps a fun flexible waffle maker! The reason that bumblebees even swarmed in my head after that incident is because I was holding onto this concept that I have to as before accommodate those that may not understand me. Innoway I thought that I had to stoop down to her level of the cookie mode and hi to also make it comfortable for her by sitting alongside and the same one. When I realize that this was the concept that I was holding onto I realize that this is where the anxiety would be attracted to. Without that concept being present there was no place for the anxiety too attached to, the bumblebees didn’t really find a place to really settle in on my brain because the honey was gone.

I am glad to be able to identify this. Waking up today looking back at yesterday, I smiled. This is not because I am being phony, this is not because I am trying to force myself to think about it as a positive, no, in fact I felt that I thought of it almost as a distant memory, already. I thought of it as a learning point that I would write in a book, not an incident that happened during a week away that ruined my experience.A story that I laugh about and tell friends, not an acute event that has actively disturbed my mental state. I found that this was similar when I talked to my first friend about why I stopped talking to my parents. I wrote to you about this about two weeks ago, I mentioned the same thing to you. It was as though I was flipping back in my autobiography and reading a few pages behind. I was reciting those pages to her to catch her up to speed. I was not acutely feeling them, I was not acutely disturbed by them, nope, I was just referencing the beginning of the chapter because she had not read it.

I find this to be different than what they call dissociating from feelings or being numb. As you know in the past I have definitely felt numb about things, and you helped me realize that staying in the negative cycle was accommodating numbness. I do not feel Numb about things anymore- it’s more that certain things just not bother me as much. Certain things are not so saturated with emotion and feeling anymore. I know that this will be ongoing, something will bother me, I will go through my tactics of trying to dissect it, and then at some point it will no longer bother me. I guess life is a cycle full of this, but I no longer think of that as a depressing and exhaustive cycle. In the past I would find this quite depressing, I would think to myself: so what, is everything always going to be a struggle? You get upset about something then you deal with it, and then you get upset again, this is such a vicious cycle- how tiring! In the past I would find this quite depressing, I do not think this way anymore. However I also do not think that life is peaches and roses and a perfectly straight line. I now feel that having coping mechanisms, and dealing with the things that life throws at you does not always have to be such an exhaustive practice. When you’re riding a bike each little rock that you go over isn’t going to knock you off your bike so you fall down and have to get up and start all over again. Nope, each Little Rock or crack in the road will just cause you to go right and left for a little bit. Perhaps that will add .2 miles onto your journey, so what. Perhaps it will make you pause at an intersection, so what. Perhaps it will make you veer to the right and end up at the lake. How wonderful. That is great you can now sit back, Sink and Savor! enjoy this Lakeview for five minutes, something you would not have come across. You would not have come across this if you didn’t have the small rock in your path. Now, you were able to have a positive experience that was unexpected, and you learn something. This is how I think of it. Of course This may not apply to large challenges in life including major issues, health, personal, career related etc. However if our bike is used to veering slightly to the right and left, pausing, accepting new paths and detours, then the bike is stable and strong enough to go up mountains and valleys as well. In due time.

Dear Anita, I am going to shift gears with this post today.

I am away in California this week, I am here for all sorts of work interviews and meetings, my husband joined me this weekend because we had a few meetings to go to, and also we were going to take a better look around the area to look at some potential homes and see if this is a place that we would really like to relocate to. As I have told you over the past few months this has been a big part of my recent life, going to different locations in interviewing and seeing if they are a good fit. Given that it is 2 physician jobs it is a huge decision careerwise and of course personally. I had not seen my sister since the wedding, in September, so I thought it would be nice if she joined us this weekend too. So she came in on Friday just like my husband for the weekend.

I was very excited to see her, and the hour that she was there before my husband arrived was really fun like old times, fun sister silliness. But what happened next I will try my best to explain without trying to seem one-sided it will be more of a stream of consciousness on my end.

I have mentioned to you an example in the past with my parents, for their anniversary how I had to visit them to make it fun for them, and while I was there I had a meltdown at the restaurant. And how although it was negative-not the right place to have a melt down, it was a pivotal moment for me because it made me realize that I was so burnt down and run down by my mother that actually making it to this anniversary dinner wasn’t the point. it was her expectations of me and how much she had drained me. The anniversary dinner will always be that for me, an alarm that went off, that I had reached a breaking point and at this restaurant I couldn’t take it anymore it was all unloaded.

So my sister arrived on Friday, my husband did too, and my friend who lives locally in California joined us for the evening. We are all at the hotel lobby hanging out and then proceed to walk around to get dinner.
Looking back I instantly noticed something. I was extremely drained.It had been a tiring trip for me already given that I am here for not just play but also for work, and so travel plus work things, plus having to be on my toes for interviews isn’t necessarily a leisurely thing. So I am baseline exhausted – let’s put that out there.

Now what happens next is kind of a blur. We end up settling down on a pizza place, and all of a sudden I start feeling like it is not good enough. I feel that my sister has come all the way to visit us for the weekend and so I want to show her a good time, so I start feeling we must eat elsewhere. The pizza place is blah. I say out loud “well is this really good place for us to eat, I’m not sure don’t you think that she may have fun elsewhere.” My sisterbreacts and says that ” I shouldn’t worry because I’m just here to spend quality time, I don’t have to worry about where we are going.” Which is true, of course. but I still felt uneasy. A few minutes later, out of nowhere like I can not control it I say out loud “wow isn’t this place depressing.” Given that my husband has been through so much with all this recently, he then said to me why is it such a big deal it’s just a pizza place!! My sister says too. I then proceed to say “well I’m not sure but I don’t know I don’t think this is going to be fun for her,” meaning my sister who is right there. It ends up being a huge huge debacle.

I end up having another meltdown that is similar to the anniversary party restaurant example above. I’m not sure exactly what I said but this is how I felt. I felt overwhelmed and I felt burdened. I felt like my sister was there so I had to show her a good time and so the place that we were at, was it good enough? When my sister saw this she, she didn’t get why I was doing this. My husband also felt I needed to take a step back and be. In reality , she never said anything to make me feel uneasy or this way and it was just my insecurity. I’ve had this pattern with my sister before because I have felt I want to show her a great time, and then I put this under pressure on myself. My sister stated there was no reason she gave me to act this way. All of a sudden. To this I said, yes it is my insecurity, but for some reason when I’m around you I feel like I constantly like I have to try my best to make you happy. She got upset of course and says ” that she is happy, she has made so much progress on her own, and it is not right for me to bring the stuff up out of nowhere and really single her out and project onto her.”

She is absolutely correct. And then it gets worse, I start getting really upset and crying and feeling just overwhelmed, I start saying things that are really inappropriate, I start saying things such as I can’t take it anymore between my mom and you I just feel so drained I just don’t have anything left. My sister of course gets upset and said well you invited me this weekend and where is this coming from, we were just sitting down about to have some pizza and now you’re doing this?

Yes Anita it does sound crazy. Like I am unraveling at a pizza parlor out of nowhere. I was.

Then all these things start coming to me, I think about how she was so up-and-down about whether she wants to quit work or not before that week of my vacation, which was the same exact time that my dad had chest pain and had to get the procedure. It was that week in which I spoke to you every day and we realized so much. During those conversations I saw that my sister is a lot like my mother, and constantly giving into her was accommodating it wasn’t going to even help her get better. This was also during a time where you had mentioned that you were no longer going to communicate her in that same fashion , because you would also not accommodate that sort of behavior. That was a very important time in my life for me. you showing me that was very pivotal.

And it was interesting on Friday all of the sudden that came up, I realized how draining that was on me, between my mother making a huge thing about me not showing up for my dad‘s procedure, my sister had really put me through the ringer with going up and down about whether she wanted to be a part of her program or not. Which was so draining I had told her that week away that I couldn’t speak to her. I needed space.
That is just one example and not to say that this is the only way my sister functions. In fact I have done the same to her many times I am sure too. The root of it all is our mother, who has created a negative an abusive environment our whole life, so as you see it trickles down. She has created anxiety and issues in both of us. However I made a huge step a month ago to cut off contact with my parents, so my threshold for dealing with negativity has become very low.

It was wrong of me to put this all out there, it was wrong of me to say things like this about her and in front of my friend who is a third-party. It was rude and volatile.

My husband and sister stepped out fora moment then because he wanted to calm her down. During this time I sat there and contemplated and I said to my friend, I think I just can’t take it anymore, I can’t be a caregiver to her. He said well this is just her coming here and trying to have fun she hasn’t done anything wrong. I said yes but I think I have a lot of anger and built-up resentment and just frankly an overwhelming feeling around her. The moment that she came here I felt like I regressed and went backwards, kind of the way I do when I pick up the phone with my mom I automatically start feeling anxious and depressed.

Needless to say our night ended early, and my sister was so upset that my husband got her a separate hotel room for the night. Which was a good idea. For the next few hours I spoke to my husband and I really figured out a lot of things that caused me to be triggered in this way. I realize like I said above that soon as my sister arrived I felt that same anxious depressed feeling. The kind that I would feel when I would be around my mom. I did feel bad about this because my sister did not do anything to invoke this, it was merely her presence. She had mentioned this at the pizza parlor before we left, she said to me “do you know how horrible it is to say to someone that just your presence makes me upset and uneasy.” She is right it is horrible. But I think it’s true…

I realized the following: yes her mere presence makes me anxious and uneasy. I think this is the link to the role that I’ve had to have in her life which has been uplifting her and being her support system. And I think it also has to do with the fact that she does have qualities of my mother that can be draining without having the awareness of what she is doing to those around her. Lastly I think that it is also some PTSD of going up and down with her over the last few months, and so unfortunately even if she doesn’t do anything wrong per se I still feel that around her. It was my first time seeing her over the last seven months but we speak all the time, but seeing her in person made me realize very quickly that the energy I had was changed instantly when I was around her. How interesting though, it’s not like when she arrived she was negative, it was not like she arrived and had anything bad to say, she arrived and everything was going as normal and fine as could be, but yet I felt like that. This sounds similar to a lot of times I have felt like this around my mother as I mentioned. Is it mean to think and say out loud to myself or to someone, that just your presence makes me uneasy and uncomfortable. Yes it is, but I think it’s the truth.

The next morning we were able to get back on a better path all three of us went for a walk on the beach and proceeded our day in a normal fashion, we had many different activities, and then my husband and I had a work related dinner.

My sister was going to meet a friend while we were going to our work dinner. I noticed something again, that it was causing her a lot of anxiety about what she would do while we were busy, she was trying to act like she was fine and that she could just go hang out on the beach and she didn’t need plans, but on the flipside she would make comments like oh well if I have a few hours I should probably just make a definitive plan. I realize once again it wasn’t like she was asking me to be stressed about it for her -but naturally given that I have that nurturing motherly role I went and got involved and said OK well let me try to help you figure out what you want to do. To that she would say “well don’t worry about it because you have an important meeting to go to I’ll take care of myself.”

It’s hard to explain but it’s kind of like if you have someone visiting from out of town, and they are at home while you’re at work during the day. And if the person is a mentally healthy individual that is independent, has their own life: you don’t really worry about them while you’re at work because you know that they have enough things to occupy themselves with and they’ll figure it out.
But on the flipside if the person that is staying at home while you’re at work is lonely and not very stable, you worry the whole time when you’re at work that, are they bored? are they lonely? I wonder what they’re doing…

Now the latter person will say well I didn’t really ask you to worry about me so you shouldn’t be. But the truth of the matter is is that this person doesn’t have to ask for me to worry (or even show any signs). just their presence is going to cause anxiety while you’re at work because the baseline kind of person who they are. Just because of the baseline kind of person they are.

This is quite interesting. One may say well that’s on me, my sister is fine and perhaps I am hypersensitive and feeling uneasy because I am thinking that I have to always help her when in reality she’s fine. Yes, one may also say, just leave her alone you don’t have to baby her. One may also say, you don’t have to read into everything, why is it a big deal you go do your thing and let her do her’s. Sure. And of course I did. My example with the dinner isn’t that it was a huge deal it’s that I still felt a strange feeling of “OK what will she do?”

And of course she mentions how she has made a lot of progress, she has become less lonely and is doing a better job with friends. However, my body and mind dont just instantly progress to that way. I don’t all of a sudden say OK great my hands are in the air my sister is 100% fine and she is no longer someone to have to worry about woo hoo!

Also, I am not just absorbing this energy out of nowhere. The energy has to be coming from her too. I am not only focusing on past things she has said and then projecting them onto her in the present. It’s more about the above example it’s the baseline person she is, that will cause me to feel like that in almost any situation. Does this make sense?

Going back—I also noticed something after the Friday fight, my entire demeanor changes. I become someone I don’t really like around my sister, someone who is uneasy and anxious. Someone who is on edge, someone who is talking too much and overcompensating. Someone who is not chill and relaxed (not to say that I am a super relaxed person in general as you know from everything I wrote, but this threw a torch in to my baseline feeling of being pretty centered). Just two days ago I wrote you a post that you felt was book worthy . And I agree. But yet when my sister arrived I felt like that old uneasy ball of stress.
And she honestly did nothing to provoke this. Almost like snapping back into old me.

1) What are your thoughts on that? I want to ask before I continue to the next part of what I have to say. As I have been thinking about this and thinking about telling you it throughout the weekend.

2) Next,

My husband noticed that I changed as soon as she arrives. And in fact he felt similar. He felt that he was more drained and run down the whole time because my sister was there. And mind you he is a great brother-in-law to her and when we got into this fight on Friday he took her aside and really did apologize on my behalf and played the role of mediator. He couldn’t have been better. He also mentioned that I should be the bigger person and not embarrass her like that. He made it known how terrible it was for me to make her feel that way, but also didn’t understand where my triggering was coming from. He was right.
But as the weekend went on he did see where it was coming from even more and more. I told him that the way I acted on Friday was not correct, but there was a stem, just like the anniversary dinner with my parents it was a pivotal stem. He saw it.

By the time that the weekend ended and I dropped both of them off at the airport, (I am staying here a few extra days) I saw that my husband was truly drained-the same face I’ve seen after a weekend with my mom. We discuss this a little bit before he got onto his flight. He mentioned how he feels that just my sister being around feels like the energy is down. It’s kind of like being around a person where you have to walk on egg shells even if you’re not doing anything or saying anything. But it’s not because she was judge mental or doing anything wrong even! I said to him well isn’t this interesting even if she was to say nothing just her presence makes us feel that way. And we both agreed yes. For example if in the future she lived locally and we saw her more regularly I can see myself feeling extremely drained just like I did with my mother. And it’s not because she is a narcissistic evil person like my mother, it’s just that with her comes a lot of the old parts of my life.
And – she herself has some qualities of my mother. I don’t think she honestly sees how draining she can be to other people like prior to that vacation of mine when she was up-and-down with her residency program. Even you, an outside individual, felt like you had to put a “kabosh on it.”

He mentioned something that is very true, but over the next six months we are going to make a lot of progress, I have stopped talking to my parents and we are going in the right direction. But it felt like a weekend with my sister was a step backwards. Because of that feeling of anxiety and depression that came back again and also the energy.

Now I don’t want mean to write this to say that I no longer want to talk to my sister, or that I am above her and she is a terrible drain on me. No it is more of a very interesting observation. I felt that this weekend was an energy suck and the only reason is because she was here, I had a very stressful day just a day prior to her arriving, that I wrote to you about in a post. The interview post. But yet when she was here : nothing bad/important happened such as that —-but it was so much MORE draining. Interesting.

At the end of the day I do feel really bad for my sister, given that you know a good amount about her as well, she has been truly abused by my mother throughout her whole life in even a different way than me. I also feel bad that she has to be in the middle with so much of the issues between my mother and I, and she gets pushed to the side often. I also feel bad that she is struggling, she does suffer from loneliness. She has her whole life. She does suffer with the inability to make very many good friends. I am proud of her for making progress, but I do know there is a long road ahead. And there is for me too, in other ways. However, I do find myself feeling similarly as I did with my mom. Such as I say out loud to myself (to her) “I know that you are suffering, but I can’t go down with you and for some reason your energy is draining to me.Unlike my mom you’re not trying to bring me down with you, it’s not your fault. It is just by nature of perhaps who you are. What a shame and it sounds very mean, but I think it’s reality.”

What do you think?

So as a result I think that I will just have to have some better boundaries with her. Looking back this was a very important weekend for my husband and I, with the dinner and the meetings and just soaking in the energy of this new place. It probably would have been better if she wasn’t there because the energy of the weekend was based on her not really about our surroundings. We both felt really bad admitting that to ourselves because here she was visiting just to have some quality time with us, she didn’t mean to create this aura. She has no idea she creates this aura. But she does. Also we are sensitive to it because we care about her and are kind of like parents to her so we observe this energy more than just some same aged stranger friend.

I also see that I am someone who is still healing, something monumental just happened to me a month ago. So I cannot honestly take anyone who may be an energy suck. Whether that person is doing it on purpose or not, perhaps it doesn’t matter.

Its like I am 25 years old and I just went through something really Traumatic and I am trying to heal, I am on the road to healing. now someone says to me, there is an orphan that needs a mother are you OK with being the mother? I said sure I would love to help this girl out.
Then I see this child is from a background which is similar to mine with a narcissistic mother and so she is traumatized and so young that she can’t really handle it. So here I am trying to heal from my narcissistic mother and rebuild my life, and simultaneously being a mother to the child who also suffered the same but at a very different level given that she is not my age. Imagine! I am not saying that my burden is so severe as this one, but to a small degree I feel some sort of similarity.

When I changed my phone number and cut many people out of my life, and decided to become less social, I think I needed to give myself more credit for self-preservation. I needed to give more focused to self preservation. At present.
What I realized this weekend is that it is not about now slowly assimilating back into normal life. I still feel that so much healing has to be done; and so if I have to preserve a healing cocoon for myself I should. It is not the appropriate time for me to expose myself to other individuals or situations that will drain energy. I don’t have energy left to even sustain myself these days and so I do have to be very careful. What do you think?

I also don’t have to feel guilty about that because it is just like the Snickers commercial, “when you are hungry you are not you.” Like on Friday I was drained and exhausted – I was not baseline me and so much more likely to snap. To avoid this it is better for me to preserve my energy in a healthy way. And also probably to create boundaries with individuals that may be draining my energy so I don’t get to such Lows.

I am very interested in hearing your thoughts about how I reacted to my sister. And how I felt throughout the weekend.

Dear Anita,

I am very satisfied with your reply thank you for attending to it so eloquently. I think that I had a lot of those thoughts bouncing around my head like ping-pongs, but I wasn’t able to formulate them into one definitive theory or plan. I think a lot of that is also guilt and fear, feeling that “am I going to have to distance myself from my sister to, isn’t that sad? Won’t that be difficult for her because she really relies on me heavily.” But I see now that is Not the case – it isn’t something personal about my sister or another person per se. It is the nature of neural pathways and the way that our brain functions. In order to promote healthy healing there has to be certain protocols that are followed and away and this may be one of them. This will be most beneficial for myself, my sister, and both of our separate lives and separate healing processes.

I agree entirely with this, and at the right time I will communicate this with her too. I know that she understands it it’s that we are used to both going down our normal ingrained pathways. But we will both have to deliberately enforce these new rules so to speak so that we can both heal and not be triggers or toxic towards one another.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I thought about your quote: We live way better  lives if we understand how the brain  works and… work with it

my whole plane ride back.  How straightforward and simple.  Simplicity is Sanity.

This to me reads as: if we go along with the way things are in nature and biologically (such as the baseline way the brain functions), we do not RESIST life so much, we accept and go forward with it.  I see this as a new concept.  In fact many individuals try to preach the “go with the flow” attitude, which at times is not necessarily the right school of thought.  On the contrary, if we understand the way the brain works – and work with it…it makes much more sense.

In your example above, based on my experience, my brain works based on ingrained neuropathways from extensive long term experiences with someone.  This is how the brain works.  It is science, it is reality.  So if I try to fight that and resist it, I will suffer.  I will not accept, I will push boundaries and limits, just to come back to the same suffering.

However, if I accept the way the brain works, and the consequences of such, and adapt my current views and expectations, I will suffer less.  This approach will take more effort at the forefront in: adjustment, awareness, and modification of tasks and behaviors, but overall – the energy utilized (drained) will be less given that there is less suffering.

This is quite clear to me now based on the sister example.  Now, having the knowledge that I do based on this conversation and previous posts, I accept that the reality of the current relationship between my sister and I is a certain way.  I do not feel that it is a shame, or unfortunate – I see it as the way the brain works.  Thus, I am able to see it and accept it as reality.

Prior, I would have wanted to utilize all my effort to deny such, and push the limit to prove that it wasn’t this way.  This leads to disappointment, aggravation, and pain for all involved parties.

Now, I have the knowledge and experience to be more cautions, to be more careful  Increased caution and care in the beginning can prevent distress down the line.

Similar to when I prepare a patient for surgery, when they are optimized prior to the procedure, the surgery is less tumultuous and the outcome is usually more pleasant.  This is pre-operative optimization.  I can utilize a similar technique in my life.  Think and be cautious prior to acting.  Question whether the subsequent conversation or interaction will be beneficial, healthy, or detrimental.  I allow myself the space to do so.  I will not rush myself to conclusions (thus deleting the space for preparation and careful thinking).  This will be a new priority of mine.

Dear Anita,

Happy April.  I am not one that is into new year’s resolutions, fad diets, etc.  However, I have felt compelled to take this month to really detoxify, and sink in.  Take the month of April to not only let go of what no longer serves me, but take a good, cold, hard look at the habits that have been pushing me through for all these years – pushing…not living.  A big difference.

I feel compelled to take away distraction (whether that be physical or mental – more on that below), and observe what arises as a result.  Like taking off makeup, and looking at your bare face daily – you and the rest of the world, how do you feel? Like stopping pain killers, and feeling the true pain, and seeing what happens as a result to your physical and mental well-being.Like taking a walk without your phone or someone to speak to, and see what thoughts come to mind.  Deconstruct and observe.

I have returned from California, what a tiring trip. From the sheer hours of getting there, interviewing, travel, putting your best foot forward. To the weekend where my sister and I both endured stress. To the mental stress of wondering whether these job opportunities are appropriate, and if moving is an appropriate decision.  Some of this is what my husband and I call “normal” stress. Some of it is “pathological” given that it stems from my family issues and trauma/anxiety – simply put – my mother. It no longer matters what is from my mother, and what is not. In fact, as you have told my sister and I many times, the mother voice perseveres above all (especially if we let it, or don’t know any better).

I now feel myself going to another phase of this healing.  The first was the aftershock of the decision I made, and letting that sink in, feeling comfortable with it. I do. I no longer even reference that in my brain daily, it is almost like a distant story. What is left now, is me, and my life. The reality.

The reality is that I suffer. I suffer not only because of the daily life stressors, no, those are the current hurdles that I am capable of jumping over. I suffer because of the whirlwhind that has hit me over the last year, and more. I don’t live, I push through.  I push and push myself to superhuman limits.  I do not know what simple living is, well because, how could just simply living be ENOUGH? oh but it is enough…if it brings peace and happiness…it is enough — only now it will be how to arrive there after the years and lifetime of distress.

My husband and I spoke this weekend about how we feel about our friend’s wedding next year.  He opened up about how it makes him sad and frustrated getting the emails from his friend, about becoming a groomsman, the plans that they will have, and all the fun and joy that go with it.  He mentioned how it’s not about the wedding, but how they (bride and groom friends) are able to feel true joy. Unlike us, where the whole process caused so much torture and pain. To the point that we felt we ourselves were going through a deep depression, that we were inching towards the finish line of a terrible marathon, broken, injured, and defeated.  What a tragedy. What a difference. Now this is not to compare to a particular person, it is overall. No two young people about to get married deserve such treatment. This was his point. We thought about how we weren’t able to sink and savor any of it.  Ever since prior to the proposal to after the wedding it is all tainted. Not because of something small, but because my mother single handedly murdered all of it. For lack of a better term – I visualize a nice scene such as a couple walking together, or a wedding ceremony, and seeing my mother with her knife ripping it all to shreds.  This is what she did. Whether it is a 500 person wedding, whether it is one culture or the other, none of it matters. This is what she did, and this is wrong. This is so terribly wrong, and I feel the pain of it now…well to a point. I can’t say I truly feel the pain of it because it is more like fleeting thoughts that come and go, it doesn’t really sit with me ever.

When it was all going on –  I was unable to feel pain. Such as a slave carrying tons of stone across this long journey. He feels distress while doing this sure. But only after 10 years of this long journey does he see the negative impact it has had on his mind and body. And that too – will take time to sink in — such as it is for me.  The slave journey is over, what is left is piecing everything back together for some possible peace.  this is the beginning of that journey.

I am glad my husband opened up about that.  It also showed me, that no, it is not okay. I find myself saying outloud to myself and to him, well it doesn’t matter the wedding is over, and we still managed to have some fun.  No, this is not true, it does matter. Not because I would like to cling to the past – but because the poor treatment, such as the slave above, has created such deep wounds. Of course these are far reaching beyond the wedding, and the last few years have been the worst.  Although this has been a life time for me (dating back to childhood as you know from all of our talks) – the last few years have involved my husband. When I write this or think about it, I feel like I almost am at the verge of tears, but they are stuck. They are blocked. I hope in time they can release.

Prior to the proposal my parents called my husband and also his parents almost everyday throwing a tantrum and even cursing them.  Looking back the fact that I ever thought this was normal and just what “Indian parents do” is horrifying. I see now how much abuse I endured in the facade of thinking it was okay.  I see now how much abuse my poor husband has endured. This is just skimming it.  We are in a place now that we are so so utterly burnt out.  Burn out isn’t even the right term – there is no term for it.  It encompasses: severe fatigue, emotional exhaustion, trauma, sadness, anxiety, and often even hopelessness.  This sounds like a TV ad for depression doesn’t it! Well in a way I am glad to feel some of these feelings. I would rather them slowly start to come up so they can be dealt with and healed over time, versus bottled in as they were forever.  Like you said, this here is the real work. It is all starting to slowly come out, the heaviness of it all I am dealing with.  I am allowing for healthy habits, and I am minimizing distractions for my own wellness.

I know I will be writing more here as this part two of the journey begins.  It may not always sound straightforward, as a lot of these thoughts are jumbled in my own mind.  However, I am glad to get them out, and of course, as always, hear your insight.

Dear Anita,

I have tears in my eyes from reading your response.  Thank you for thinking I am amazing.  You, too, are absolutely incredible and amazing.

This registers very well: “Our mental health is in our ability to think in according to what is true to reality. Any and every convenient, wishful thinking, any rationalizing away of reality carries a price, more sickness, more dysfunction.”

Look at reality in the face, and observe what you feel.  Yes, not doing such carries more and more dysfunction over time, that accumulate.  Just as poor health and diet accumulate to disease years later (at current the individual feels “fine”).

I wrote below prior to reading your reply, and it continues in the unraveling of the deep rooted dysfunction over a lifetime:

I find that I am in a place that is in between.  Sometimes I feel a sense of relief that I can finally begin to live.  Sometimes I feel a sense of doom that I am so harmed, and abused and battered down from it all.  It does make sense given that this is the reality, in one way, an achievement, in another just the beginning of the dark abyss that has not yet been entered.

This dark abyss is full of many things. It is full of:

-The feeling that the past 30 years were like a war zone, now I am out, hardly knowing I was immersed in the war the whole time.

-the wonder I have for myself, the fact that I was immersed in this above war but managed to keep an exuberant attitude (for the most part) and had many achievements

-The sadness of despite keeping a great attitude for the most part, I had many lows.  I see now where they stemmed from. They were not merely moods or phases, they were all apart of this grand picture of abuse.

-The wonder of finally realizing this, and seeing it as true.  Not seeing it as a “maybe” as I did when I first posted to you.  Not seeing it as something “people just deal with.”

-The strange feeling I get when I think about my wedding.  In some ways, forgetting that it even happened. In other ways, feeling proud we managed to pull off such an incredible event.  In many ways feeling a sense of sadness that we were robbed of the simple joy that a young couple feels.

-The frustration I feel when I think about: The simple joy. What is that? Everything and anything has become complicated and tainted by them.  From obtaining car insurance becoming a huge ordeal, to tax season, to our WEDDING. Everything and anything.

-The sinking feeling I have in my heart when I recall my husband over two years ago talking about one of the most important things for a man is to be able to propose to a girl he loves and feel happy and proud of it.  And how in reality, he was robbed of this joy. Instead he was beaten down, tortured, and abused. How silly and crazy this sounds!

-The frustration I have when I realize I have been having headaches and neck pains for over 10 years, the culprit: stress related muscular tension.   I know why I get them, just have never been able to be in a place in life to ever decrease my stressors. Can you imagine! Something people deal with as a phase, not chronically over years upon years.  My poor body!

-The magnitude of uphill strength it takes to on a daily basis, make the right decisions. To breathe well, to not tense up.  To say do yoga instead of lay on the couch. To eat healthy instead of take the easy way. To think before acting or speaking.  How much deliberate effort. Yes, this is all good effort, and with practice makes perfect —but sure that is tiring.

Good morning Anita,

I hope you are having a good week so far.

I like what you wrote: “I found that once I walked long enough on what I call the healing path, I went too far to be able to go back to the old and habitual.”

I can understand this.  I have not walked on the path long enough just yet, but even the progress I have made thus far, makes me see this.  I find myself thinking this way when I hear something of the “old way.”  I don’t feel “better” than it, it is more like I have transcended it in some way.  Or more simply put, it no longer has meaning to me.

I have a friend from college who is one of my best friends who was complaining about a girl (who I used to be close to years ago).  The things she says this girl does are so ridiculous and immature to me.  I know that even a year ago it would have angered me.  Not because it was personal to ME, but just the concept that human beings can act that way and think it is okay and “get away” with it.

I now see that first: no one is getting away with anything.  It is just the life that someone like her chooses, to be selfish and full of drama.  Good for her.  What you put out in the world you get back.  Second, I just don’t care.  Great – she acted insane.  Great- she did this. Who cares! She has no meaning to me.

I recall having so much trouble “not caring.” It was one of those things that people said often to convince themselves. “Oh I don’t care.  Oh whatever.” I feel the more one says this to themself over and over, the more they are trying to convince themself.  Like my quote earlier, often individuals need to be heard out loud by others, when they do not hear their own self clear enough.

It was so much effort! To not care, or to pretend to not care.  It is so much effort for everyone.  Yet, now – it is seamless to not care about things that are truly not worth caring about (such as peripheral individuals, or inconsequential items).  I find that I do not TRY to do this, it just is.  It’s like I just can’t be bothered.  I also find that I am better at changing the subject when it contains something that is not “worth it.” For example, I let my friend vent of course, and then shortly after said “so anyway, how was your weekend otherwise.”

I finally learned how to “nip it.” Turn the conversation elsewhere.  Make it known that the previous gossip/talk about someone who is not a good person/unnecessary drama is just not worth the short time we have for a conversation.  I recall years ago having a conversation with an older friend and she had done this quite a few times in the conversation.  I recall it distinctly, and after I got off the phone – I remember thinking wow she definitely wanted to direct the conversation a certain way – I wasn’t offended, I found it pretty mature! It does feel good to be the person doing it now.  Not to say I will always do it, and not to say that I don’t need to be led on the right track from time to time.  I sure do.  But the point is, it is nice to see from the outside the utility in truly only engaging in what serves you in a positive way (to the best of your ability that you can choose and control).

I also find that this tactic allows for more space for your mind to focus on what is good.  When we are inundated with so much distraction about this person and that, and a lot of nonsense — our neuropathways are saturated.  There is hardly any energy or space in the mind for our mind to then wander to something good or positive.  It is almost like a roadblock. We can’t blame our mind at that point – we saturated it.  The mind does not have the ability to give more at this point…