Dear Anita,

Long delay since I have last spoke to you.  I am doing well, much busier with work which is good. It has been nice to come to work and focus on work, patient care, interactions.  It feels like how things should be.

I have since last speaking to you talked to a few friends.  My one friend called me the other day and wanted to know what happened.

To my surprise, my narrative of the whole (acute) situation flowed so easily, like a story book.  It wasn’t fake, it wasn’t insincere, it was just easy.  I spoke of the most recent events, explained the last conversation I had in some detail, then the after math of extreme amount of phone calls, blocking their numbers, changing my phone number – to where I am now.

Myfriend noted that I sounded happier and empowered.  When people have told me that in the past (for whatever reason)  I usually said sure yeah, but not really feeling it or believing it.  This time, however, I noticed it too.  I took a moment and thought wow! yes, you are right.  I do feel empowered.  I do feel better.  In fact, I have been so busy “living” that I have not even noticed. (to me a sign that I am moving forward and living versus being stuck as before such as when I was speaking to you on that vacation a month back).

Of course I know I do not have to explain my whole story to everyone.  With this friend I did want to  explain some parts, and it was much more seamless than I ever imagined.  In a way I felt disconnected from it all, but not in a numb way, more as though I am reading a chapter of my story, and I flip a few pages back to read her what she has missed over the last 2 weeks.

What I am focusing on now is something I have mentioned to you before,  containing anxiety.  I understand that when a person has trouble with anxiety, it is not in a neat little box.  There isn’t a box for family anxiety, and a separate one for school anxiety, and a separate one for work anxiety, etc.  More often than not, the “boxes” all tip over and flow onto each other.

I notice this, and I have been having some anxiety with our upcoming changes in jobs and possible move.  I do notice too however that a lot of this is “normal” anxiety, and I can differentiate it from what may be out of proportion.  I see that almost anyone would have jitters about moving across the country, finding a new career, etc.  I also notice a lot of it is based on not the actual events that will happen, but my “ideas” of the move.  things such as:

1) I have always wanted to move to X place, well when we get there what if it isn’t as great as I imagined.

2) what if we regret moving, perhaps the grass isn’t always greener on the other side?

3) perhaps I am glorifying how things will be in X place, and not realizing that there will be their own share of problems there.  What if that makes me feel like I didn’t appreciate things HERE when I had them.

I notice all this, and I notice a lot of this is “normal” (for lack of a better term).  I also notice that I am able to filter out these thoughts, versus feeling just plain anxious such as years ago.  I know this is a step, because I can target my thinking and certain thoughts versus just an overall feeling of distress.

I know when I read the above 3 things, I can hear my friend saying them to me.  I would respond and say: all of these are normal thoughts and feelings, when you move you will find some things are better, and some are worse.  but if you are so inclined to move (you and your husband) are making the decision based on a variety of factors that appeal to you.  have faith and confidence in your decision.  you are reasonable and realistic enough to know the reality of the difficulties that come with transition, and you are approaching the decision with a fine understanding of that.

and so I will (or shall) tell myself the above…!

Good Morning Anita,

I am back at the same hospital and location that I was the day before I made my decision.  It was the day my father called me in the middle of a work day and thought it was the appropriate time to lecture me for one hour on life insurance, and the fact that most children live close to their parents, and parents forgive them.

Yesterday when I was there in the middle of the day, this occured to me – out of nowhere.  It seemed ludicrous!  Here I was in the middle of an intense emergency case, a patient’s life truly in my hands, no exaggeration.  And just one week ago, in a situation that was not so different, I made time for that nonsense!

How accepting, open-minded, and beaten down I am to think that something like this is worthy of making time for, and sending attention to in the middle of a day like that.  In fact, how beaten down I am to think it is worthy at all – period.

This is not to say this is just about my job, versus other people.  But, in fact, yesterday I did realize that if anyone can say – I truly can not focus on your nonsense right now because someone’s life is in my hands – it would be me!  I never have said this.  I do not believe it is necessary to say this out loud.  But what is important is to know it in my head.

To know the importance of my job, to know that given that, I am ALLOWED, and JUSTIFIED in not diverting my attention and focus elsewhere to things that are not as important, be it that they are inconsequential, frivolous, are plain just not important at that moment.  Some of those things may be something I want to direct attention to later in the day (by choice) – so of those things may be something I want to direct my attention to: never.

I see this now, as a delineation. An example: I am in the middle of an acute situation with a patient.  A friend or someone sends me a text about a boy problem.  This is not nonsensical, just not relevant for me at that moment, so I choose to respond when  I have the time and mental space to do so.

On the other hand, I get a text about something such as: “I walked in and he said that to me, can you believe that.  Gosh he is so annoying.” I read this and realize it is part venting/part gossip on someone’s end.  So I say the latter to myself, this is something I don’t want to direct attention to at all.  Not later, just not at all.  And that is okay!  In this situation I can communicate with this person at a later time about something else, but I do not need to engage in this sort of topic.

This is also new to me Anita. I always felt it was rude to not engage in something the other person brought up, no matter what it was.  I never employed boundaries and the ability to have choice in wanting to exert my attention to a topic (topics such as gossip, negativity, self inflated behavior).  It can be simple, I can simply just not contribute to it!

This may be harder in person, versus text messaging.  Yet, once again, with practice of boundaries in controlled settings, I can get used to what “feels good” and what feels like “reverting back and not good.”

Dear Anita,

I thought of this the whole weekend: Simplicity is Sanity. Sanity is Simplicity

At first it was comforting, I felt as though: ah yes, simplicity – “what I have been seeking, and finally found”

However, there were moments where it felt odd: can things really be THIS simple?

I realize that when my mind went there, it wasn’t to say that I would exist in this state I am currently inforever (pretty isolated from socializing with all those I normally would have).  I know that may or may not be long term (I shall choose how social I want to be as time comes).

It felt more like, “how can it be just like this. isn’t that too simple?”

“Isn’t it too simple to go to work, do your job, come home, eat dinner, relax and watch TV, and go to sleep.  Then– isn’t it too simple to wake up on a weekend and not have any worries outside of what is going on in your life (normal things such as paying taxes, bills, work)?……so wait that means my mind doesn’t have to be elsewhere? it can just exist on what IS?!”

Because my mind has been so used to having excessive worry, there were a few times it did try to revert back to that old pattern.

We were talking about visiting a friend who just had a baby next weekend, I agreed with my husband’s plan – and then we started talking about the next topic.

After the conversation was over, I noticed my mind at a crossroads – left, not really think about much at all – or something such as hmm what’s on TV right now.  Or right, create a problem/worry/anxiety.  It did veer down the right momentarily…

I began to think…”hmm so should we visit them?  I mean I am going through something colossal right now, should I be making time for them – would they for us if the situation was reversed…”

Then I stopped myself.  I said to myself that is not me, that is my mother voice.  It does NOT have to be that complicated, it is quite simple.  More importantly, it is NOT about the outside person, it is about ME.  If we have free time and we want to visit them, and it will be enjoyable – GREAT.  That’s it..plain and simple.  It doesn’t have to go any further than that.  What my mother would do is – make it about the other person even when it doesn’t have to be.  She would make it a worry or anxiety, immediately – “wait would others do the same for me.”

Well it doesn’t matter! We want to do this, so we will, if we don’t want to – we won’t! No one is forcing us, or creating pressure.

What a concept. It can be that simple.  My mind did veer to the right and go there, but I stopped it.  I am in control of my actions, I am in control of what I want to do….so why make worry? If the situation does arise (which it didn’t) that I feel pressured to do something I don’t want to, I can choose accordingly.  because I CAN.

This is new.  Given that I have always had that “job” I never allowed myself a choice.  Moreover, since my parents have been so pushy about attending things that involve them, there never was a “choice.”

-“you must  come to your cousin’s baby shower, it will look bad if you don’t –she came to all your events before the wedding, if you don’t come –then they may not come to YOUR wedding.”

-the anniversary example. no need to say more!

– “you seem to always have time away from studying for your friends, what about family.”

-“didn’t you relax at home last weekend, well if you have time this weekend why don’t you do…X”

And it goes on.  The combination of this plus the “job” I was given to myself, made it quite difficult to ever choose, allow simplicity to be the baseline, or feel at ease.  that is key.

I know as I become exposed to more of “real life” again this will continue to be something I encounter.  I know as I become more social, attend more events, communicate with more people – it may feel that I am being “pushed” to places I may not want to go (mentally or physically).  When I think about this, this image comes to mind: it is that of a cool, calm, and collected woman.  she is will put together, she smiles, she speaks, but she is controlled.  She doesn’t over-speak, or over-share, or over-laugh.  She simply engages.  She backs off when she deems appropriate, and interacts in a way that does not make her uncomfortable.

I have seen many examples of this in my life, we all have.  I know that I am capable of being that above woman, as I have in many cases.  I also know I am capable of being quite opposite, when I am feeling uneasy!  I now know that I have the tools to interact in such a way, but I may not always given the level of discomfort, anxiety, or what I am sensing around me.  However, I can practice!

I did practice once this weekend and it felt good.  We were speaking to a neighbors (nice couple) about our job hunt, and the girl interjected and began speaking about her job related stress.  The old me might have interjected again to get my point across, but I just let her speak.  I thought to myself (what good is it going to do to try to make her “see” our point, it’s not really important, so just let her speak).  I realize at the end of the conversation that she was extremely anxious and probably just wanted to vent and get some of her thoughts out – so be it! That is fine.  It wasn’t a debate to see who was “better heard,” just a plain old conversation that went off on a tangent.  oh well!

I smiled to myself after and thought – some things are just not worth exerting energy over.  Small one percent battles you don’t have to fight do add up to 100 (if you add 99 more of them throughout your day).

I hope to keep this concept with me.  It is easy with people such as neighbors often, but more difficult with people you are close to.  We tend to want people we are close to, to truly “hear” us.  I see that a lot of that is because we may be struggling to “hear” our own self…so we exert it outwards to have it bounce back.  I know now I hear myself loud and clear.  My goal every morning when I wake up to when I go to sleep is to hear and listen to myself.  I do not need others to do that for me.  In fact, no one else can do that for me – they can support me yes, but only I can hear me. I do feel that this will help me to focus more inwards (vs. outwards) throughout my interactions.  I do hope so.

I know this was a focus of many of my posts in the past.  “How do I focus more inwards, how do I self-trust?” The name of this forum is even self-trust!  I see that it wasn’t that I didn’t have the tools, it’s that they were stuck in a deep dark place with poisonous glue all over them – so they weren’t able to breathe or escape.  Now that there is cleaning going on in place, the tools can utilize themselves once they unstick.  It may be shaky at first given that they haven’t been used in a while; yet, they innately know their way and path – and so they will be directed appropriately in time.

I know this because I see it, because I have practiced it.  When my mind went to the right above (visiting friend’s baby) I stopped it – it would only cause self harm to ruminate on what if scenarios.  When the neighbor interjected, I let her (It would only cause self harm to exert unnecessary energy to have my voice heard).

Like anything in life, practice makes perfect.  I see so many options to practice this throughout my day, that I never saw before.  It can be as simple as just listening to someone, without feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts.  What a new concept.

If we allow ourselves, we can.

Dear Anita,

I like that you mention future children, my husband and I care deeply about family, and whether we are thinking about future children or not – the fact is true, I would never want to pass this down one generation further than it needs to go.  The buck stops here.

It is very true, so many times in life she has accused me of “following her directions.”

–made fun of me for dating around so much (but she gave me stress and pressure for finding the “perfect match”)

–ridiculed when I as above:  following her instructions (to socialize).  My default was always to talk about a problem until I was blue in the face and faced sheer exhaustion (and I’m sure so did the opposite party).  Who did I learn this from?

–ironically, when I was in India last year – I mentioned how their involvement was causing issues in my marriage.  Of course she felt this was extremely inflammatory.  Later however she said this comment:

“well then don’t listen to everything we say. your father and I didn’t listen to everything our parents told us, have some maturity”  HA! truly laughable.  you kick and scream to get you way, and now you say this! I am glad I remembered this, as it reminds me the ridiculousness of it all.  You pin someone down to listen, and then step back and say – be mature and do what you need to do.  Truly insane.

It is such a simple statement: She is your danger, not the world outside.

Absolutely true.  I look back at my life, and I will say I have been fortunate outside of these events to have had always a positive life. (of course unable to truly enjoy it and immerse in it due to all of this).   I think about the most difficult times I faced, and they were all that much worse because of my mindset, because of things such as guilt, anxiety, rumination, and worry.  Once those elements faded from the incidents, the incidents were not large at all.  I know this is true in life in general, but someone that comes from my mother (such as my sister and I) take this to a whole other level given the way we are raised -as you know.

You wrote: I hope you put an end to the rebelling.

Yes, I do too.  I will tell you what has helped me the MOST, is finding solace.  I have changed my phone number and created a place for only myself and my thoughts.  Yes, my husband is a huge support for me, yes I am in contact with my sister.  Yes, I go to work and interact great with colleagues and people in my life.  But what I don’t do is seek out socialization.  This has been incredible Anita.  This one thing has allowed me to preserve energy and peace within.

Instead of texting or getting on the phone with a friend and explaining all this (and then likely hearing all of their comments such as your first post said – that will be quite frustrating)  – what do I do? nothing.  I listen to my thoughts, I write them down here.

Instead of going to work, and also simultaneously worry about getting text messages from people that will distract me.  I don’t.  When I go to work – I just go to work! What a profound concept.

When I take a shower, I just take a shower.  I shower and listen to my thoughts.  When I cook, I look at the food.  I don’t plan the next conversation, and jump everytime my phone rings. (well it doesn’t ring much since a total of 4 people have the number!).

If I had been told this 6 months ago I would say: what happened to me, why did I turn into a hermit?! I do not think this way.  I think of it as such a true form of strength that I can remove myself from all that does not serve me in this moment (post earthquake) for me to find healing, peace, and solace.

I am strong and confident enough to do that, the innate action would be to give in, and talk and socialize and go in exhausting circles.

Nope, I kindly decline that path – what I am doing serves me just fine.

Now, I do know this is not a sustainable way to live forever.  Of course.  But that is not my focus right now.  My focus right now is for the dust to settle.

I also know that I am programmed to think about my job.  My job to be social, to be in touch, to be super friend.  Well I relinquish that job.  I do plan to have good friends throughout my life, and likely less than I started with.

I do plan one day in the future sharing all this, and if so in this hiatus of speaking with others I lose contact with some – so be it, they were reaching their expiration date anyway (people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime – each one different).  I can visualize the types of social interactions I want in the future, and I will preserve that.

I know I have the ability to allow who and what I want into my life.  I do not have to guilt myself into allowing more than I want to take on (as my mother would.)

My mother coerced herself into every thought, every energy.  Between her and my job of being social, I had nothing.  No bank or reserve for me, or my husband.

I look forward to over the next few months, focusing on only one thing: me.  Which will also by nature also help me to focus on my husband.  He sure deserves it after all these years of trauma, we are in great need of nurturing.  No nurturing occurs without dedicated focus and space.  I am glad to have created this space.

I know as I go out into more situations in the future, it will cause me anxiety.  However, I know that the work I am doing now, the REAL work, will prepare me for that.  If I create strong building blocks now, I can stand strong from here forward.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for thinking me.  I did have a dream that my mother was back in my life as she was in the hospital and guilted my sister and I into arriving at her bed side.

It is true, the threat of suicide is the ultimate emotional tactic.  I am glad through my reading I have found objective ways to think about this – “if you are suicidal – you need help.”

You don’t need a text from me, a call from me – what you need is medical help – if you refuse that, I can not help you.

To be able to say this out loud is new.  I can’t say it would be easy if I was right in front of her – but I am not.  For the first time in a really long time I am not, and I don’t have to be.  For the reason I faltered so much was because I WAS right in front of her, falling prey to her manipulation time and time again – where did that lead?

Like you say – did it make her or her life any better? no

Did it make me or my marriage any better? No! In fact it has caused devastation.

I hope you had a good weekend.  I will write again soon.

Dearest Anita,

Today I woke up and felt a little lighter. I changed my phone number yesterday, I couldn’t take the amount of unknown and blocked numbers I was getting I could hardly get one song in listening via Bluetooth from my phone before I would get 20 phone calls. It is not a way to live. Getting a new phone number is also a fresh start in many other ways of deleting old contacts and solicitors that you may not want from other parts of your life as well. In this new life I choose who I want in it and who I want out because I am able because I am worth it.

I thought about how there is a fine line between discipline, Toughlove, and abuse. I’m talking about this in general. Many cultures especially Asian cultures value the idea of Toughlove, the generic joke is always that if you get a B+ they’re going to ask you why you didn’t get an A-. If you get an a minus they’re going to ask you why you didn’t get an A+. To a point this can be OK if it teaches hard work discipline and achieving your goals. I never dealt with this kind of discipline from my parents bc I was a high achiever naturally and I never actually had them push me academically. The funny thing is the kind of abuse that my parents gave me is so indolent it is so subtle but yet so severe it is not something that you can quantify inbconversation, not that I need to, but that is why it takes so long for children to realize it.
It is much easier to spot things such as child abuse, broken limbs and bruises. It is much easier to identify domestic abuse, a woman with a blackeye. It is much easier to spot severe parental control: the sense of if I don’t get these grades my parents punish me and don’t let me out of the room. I always thought that my parents were relaxed given that they never forced me to excel academically, and I had all the social privileges I wanted, I left the house when I wanted to I came home when I wanted to – actually had a good life. The things other teenagers complained about I never dealt with.
I had respect for my parents and knew my boundaries but I also enjoyed my life fully and did not feel constrained. Life was good.
I realize that at this point in my life I had done nothing wrong, I was not getting any sort of abuse from them because everything was going according to plan. things were simple and straightforward I was a young kid living in their house not doing anything out of the ordinary and nothing that I was doing was causing them anxiety or taking away from themselves. It was not like I was trying to go towards a path that would make them look bad in society. It was not like I was dating someone that was out of our cultural bounds that would make them look bad and make them feel like I was wrong and deserving of disciplinary action. I used to always think that wow my parents got upset with me and my sister about things so small, imagine if my sister and I were actually bad kids, running off with boys, getting pregnant, getting involved with drugs, dropping out of school. Oh wonder if we did things to that extreme! imagine how they would react when even small things are a big deal to them. This is not something I thought about until a few years ago however.

Anyway backtracking to the earlier years, I never noticed that my parents were really controlling because in fact I had a ton of freedom. But what I did notice is that there was a ton of anger and sadness festering in my family for a variety of reasons. my mother for all of the aforementioned things, the constant negativity from her side of the family, the constant negativity of my dads side of the family in India, and the constant strife between them. I did not think much of this. I thought it was sad, I thought that it was unfortunate, but I did not think that it caused me to have a very unlucky place in the world. Key point- I did not think it made me unlucky to be their child.

Slowly – I started noticing that I would have subconscious anger towards them but not in ways that I could explain. I remember being in medical school and my dad had called five times about receiving a W-2 tax form. I remember getting so annoyed and thinking OK enough is enough I know you’re trying to help me with my taxes but I will let you know when the form is here. My roommate at the time said to me, well it just seems like your dad is concerned given that this is not something that you’re used to doing on your own. I said yeah I guess you’re right. These kind of feelings were the beginning of my anger and understanding that what they were doing was out of the norm, it was controlling, and it was limitless without boundaries.

About five years ago when I had just started dating my now husband, my parents had an anniversary in April. My parents make a huge deal about their anniversary every year. This is not because they are this amazing happy couple in love, it is because they think that it should be a production to make themselves feel better and important. Growing up we made sure that we all went out to dinner and celebrated it, it was as though they were children and we were throwing them a five-year-old birthday party. I was living in Manhattan at the time of this particular anniversary, and my house was an hour away. My boyfriend and I had Just gone to their house over that weekend to visit them. And their anniversary was that following Thursday, on a weekday. When Wednesday arrived my mother called me and said: so we are making dinner reservations for tomorrow you guys will be there right? And I said wellMom we were just there this weekend, I thought that was the anniversary celebration. Tomorrow might be tough because it is a weekday and we have a very early morning on Friday. (We were both in residency at the time mind you: he in a surgical residency and I in anesthesiology our days are greater than 12-15 hours sometimes starting at 5:30 in the morning. But obviously this is just a sidenote)

She got really quiet and said well OK I get it, I guess I just really thought that you would be there for our anniversary, this is the kind of thing that only happens once a year and you have the liberty of living close by. So many families dream of spending such milestones together.

Guilt trip much?

My poor boyfriend (now husband) looked at me, and just shrugged. He had told me prior to the conversation that he really needed just an evening to rest because we had run over to my parents house that past weekend did a ton of driving, rushed into work the next few days, and now Thursday evening would also require three hours hours of driving and little sleep. I listen to him but not really.

I call my mother back and at this time I try to make up a different plan perhaps maybe meeting another weekend to “make up for it.” She seems sullen like a child that was just got his candy taken away. So of course I felt the need to pacify her, I say it’s fine we will be there we might just be a little bit late.

Once Thursday evening rolls around I recall being so stressed and rushing to get there, traffic getting outside of Manhattan, feeling the need to get there on time, but also being angry at why are we doing this. My boyfriend was getting quite annoyed but not saying much and this was the beginning of him seeing how demanding my family is but not really realizing it himself either.

We got to the restaurant and it is a normal dinner nothing special, at the end of the dinner we are going outside to the cars and my mom makes a comment that I can’t really remember but it was something that was extremely triggering. Something like: “see now that wasn’t so bad was it, you guys came here, and look how great the dinner was you know it shouldn’t have to be that difficult.”

And Anita I lost it, I went off on them I started screaming I literally lost my marbles. I probably made a scene. My sister started crying my boyfriend at the time was horrified, and tries to call me down. It ended with my mom and father going to the car and crying and saying “all we wanted was a nice anniversary and you had to come here and act like that and ruin it, what have we done that is so bad as parents for you to treat us like this. So many people can just go out and have a nice sweet holiday with their kids, and you come in here and you treat us like this”

My sister was also angry at me at the time because she was protecting my parents and saying how dare you come in and ruin this for them our poor parents are always so sad they deserve this anniversary. Brainwashed we all were. Even getting in the car to go back to Manhattan, my boyfriend said to me that was wrong of me to lash out at my parents like that and where did that anger come from? I couldn’t answer.
But I know now. That was the beginning, that was the beginning of the truth emanating from within me, I saw how wrong that whole anniversary dinner scenario was played out, it wasn’t about the distance that the dinner was it wasn’t about the day, it was about the sense of “of course she will do this for us and if you don’t we will be sad”. The manipulation, the narcissism, the evil. Something in my body was trying to escape and express that, but it didn’t come out in the way that I had expected to, and of course I did not identify this rage and anger within me. I see now that it was just me trying to break out of those shackles.
Now if I said the story out loud to a third-party it would sound like I was just getting annoyed for making that sacrifice for my parents, but the point of the matter is that it doesn’t matter what the story sounds like from the outside, it is the internal subliminal feeling that I got because their subliminal control.

The abuse from them has never been about the actual events themselves it’s been about the weird background messages that they would give us. For example many parents may not want her children to move far away, but the way that my dad handled it and guilt tripped me this week and made it apparent that if I moved I would be unhappy and that I would be doing them a disservice, now that is a different story.

The anniversary incident is quite pivotal in my life, my parents of course remembered that for years ahead. Any time something would happen they would say that I’m the kind of daughter that can’t even come to a dinner an hour away without causing a disruption.
Funny thing is that I have spent a lot of my life with guilt, but that was one incident where I never felt sorry. I never apologized for, and I never felt truly apologetic. I know this because it was the beginning of me seeing the truth. I did not feel sorry because my emotions were true, it was a little girl inside trying to escape and so there was nothing to be sorry for.

How amazing it can be that someone so educated and smart in other parts of her life was unable to identify those types of emotions, where they were coming from. The power that abuse has over a child is incredible as you say. Their evil is incredible. I realize that there is no greater bond then between a parent and a child and therefore there is no greater ability for abuse and battering. It is biologic and natural for a child to trust their parents as you have said, and thus brainwashing and abuse can be so detrimental that It can truly change the soul of a child. These days when I hear about terrorism and how young children are performing terrorist acts, I am not even surprised, I see the effects of abuse and brainwashing, parents can convince their children to believe almost anything.

I knew that anniversary dinner was the beginning of my hatred towards my parents, my anger my rage. My frustration with myself as why I would let myself live this sort of life. But I was having trouble with it, I felt like I didn’t know how to say no, but yet got angry at myself for always feeling pretty crappy. It was a vicious cycle and it has continued of course until about a few months ago.

I recall two months before the wedding my parents and in-laws both came over for a family meeting. Don’t get me started on how we actually decided to have this meeting that is a whole other story that involves some fake chest pain of course.

My parents arrive first and my in-laws arrive second. Later in the meeting my mother says out loud: “that I didn’t seem to be as happy when they arrived, as when my in-laws arrived, it is really apparent to her and it hurts her.” She then faces my in-laws and says to them, what have you done to my daughter for her to become like this. She was so close to us and we have always been so close our whole life, now that you have entered the picture you have ruined the relationship between our daughter and us what have you done to create this. You may try to take her away from us but you will never succeed, the bond between mother and daughter is endless.

This scenario is out of a textbook, no understanding that something she may have done would cause a rift between her and I, no understanding of the abuse that she is pushing on to me that has caused me to detach and retract some, only looking at others as a source. The interesting thing is that prior to the incident I felt like if my mother was angry she was allowed to speak her mind whether it was to a stranger or to a family member, of course she’s allowed to say that to someone: she is upset!. Looking back at this incident it was entirely inappropriate for her to say that about me in front of everyone first of all, not to mention it was not true. Second of all to blatantly point a finger at my in-laws. More than abuse this also shows me a true lack of respect for human beings, she feels that she can say whatever she wants whenever she wants, and that we are all supposed to forgive that because she is speaking her mind and she is hurt.

She always says this one thing, I speak from the heart and I speak truth and that is why you don’t like it because you don’t like to hear the ugly truth. Her emotions are always the truth, if we don’t like the way it sounds and feel offended by it, we are wrong because we are unable to “handle the truth“

About 10 years ago I started thinking: what makes her emotions more true than mine? That was also another beginning for me.

I say now,
Well in fact mom it’s not that I don’t like to hear the ugly truth I just don’t like to hear your ugly self, everything that spews out of you is ugly, for it is not the truth it is a lie.

Going back to the situation above I never thought of it that my mother should have enough self-respect for me to not bully me like that in public in front of other people (let alone her reasoning was wrong but regardless). I always felt like she is my mother so she is allowed to say whatever she wants to meet even in front of other people. If I had said something about that : she would say a lot of parents do that because if their daughters are acting a certain way of course the parent has to intervene and show them. She also will attribute it to the guise of Indian culture in which parents know best and that children need to respect their elders and so an elder is just setting the way. That all other daughters respect their parents and get this and wouldn’t even perform the acts I do that would require a parent to intervene.

I see now at the age of 32 that I am much older than many people, but yet much younger. And regardless no individual deserves disrespect, I have no right to bully a 15-year-old patient in front of her mother because that is it inappropriate. if I want to tell her something I can take her aside. My boss has no right to bully me in front of all of my colleagues because that is inappropriate. if he wants to say something to me he can take me aside. This is not because I am special it is because I am human and I deserve this respect just like anyone else. This is not any culture, it should be all cultures -because all cultures should promote self respect.

It feels foreign to think this way and it feels almost like do I deserve that? It almost feels like too much freedom if that makes sense.

It almost feels like anarchy because in the other world there is control and hierarchy. In this world is it a free for all, if all are respected equally? Oh my.
Nope, it’s not. In fact in the world where there is hierarchy and the elders are allowed to say anything there is a free-for-all because it can lead to unlimited one-sided abuse. On the contrary, In this open world where there is equal respect amongst all ages and all individuals- there’s not a free-for-all because given that there is that mutual respect, people DO NOT cross those boundaries and do not feel they have limitless abilities.

Similarly, Anita, about once a day my mind goes to this new place- a place that thinks “wait so now I can literally do whatever I want?” And then it quickly shies away from that place because it feels too foreign and unruly. I think “So wait without all of this control in my brain over my life -then I can be free in my mind, that seems to good to be true!”
My brain has gone there a few times but it quickly has walked away because it not only seems too good to be true, it seems like a world like that cannot exist, how can it? without feeling controlled by something exterior would everything just be a free-for-all?
And I remind myself, again no. Because what did that external feeling of control and constant anxiety lead to, a life full of achievements and a life full of memories but– no feeling of living at all. External control manipulation and anxiety have no bearing on what someone can amount to as all they amount to are abused victims!

the only point there is is to live, is to live each day with mental peace. And so this can Only be done in a world that is free of mental torture and control and abuse.

When my mind goes to that place I think of it like a puppy exploring a new room and then quickly taking his paw back because he feels that he is not sure if he’s ready to go there, or if he’s allowed to. Well I’m glad that my puppy self is at least exploring the vicinity of that room (the room of freedom) and I know that one day he will enter.

Dear Anita,

It has hit me.  Yesterday was the day.

My previous 3 posts (not the most recent ones but the ones you really enjoyed) came from the heart.  I felt every ounce of them, and they were a breakthrough.  I then went on to explain some of their continued abuse (such as above with the conversation, and also the mother voice in my head regarding the move).  None of this is new.

Anita, yesterday I was at a busy city hospital (new place) working a 7a-7p shift.  It is as intense as places go (just setting the background, my job seldom overwhelms me or causes me stress – it’s my emotional trauma that  does)

I wake up with a crazy migraine ever since I get back from the trip, and it feels like there is something just eating away inside.  This of course is worse and worse when I wake up at 5, head to work, etc.  It feels different from my normal pains (as you know I carry stress in my body, headaches, neckaches, upper back tension).  This felt severe.  The same exact feeling 2 years prior that led me to get an MRI.  Looking back at that time, it was a month before our proposal and my parents were daily harassing my current husband and I.  I was preparing for my oral boards examination (most difficult exam for an anesthesiologist), and they were non -stop  (some of this referenced in our very first posts with you).

Anyway, I feel this terrible feeling, and pain.  I am a doctor, and still I felt like: there is something inside that is literally eating away at me, like a cancer.  And this is what it was – emotional pain, anger: a cancer sitting in my body trapped – causing severe somatic (physical) manifestations of emotional trauma.

Around noon I get a text from my father.  It says how are you, are you at work.  They know very well I am at work. I sense anxiety brewing in me, just like all of the other times: it starts like this.  “are you at work….yes…okay we need to talk to you…okay here i’ll give you 15 mins….and they bring up insane things out of context…trying to scare with fake chest pain 2 years ago, screaming that my mother in law is trying to control me, my mother on the floor she can’t move because you cali-chica have caused her too much pain…the gamut.” you know exactly what i mean, Anita.  Therefore, this brewing anxiety and waiting for that shoe to drop was nothing new.

They say okay we just need to talk to you for a few minutes, I then instantly pick up the phone.  I felt this sudden rage and anger, and the okay “what do you want just say it – just  SAY IT”

My father starts with: “oh is it busy”

I wanted to scream, I am at a level 1 trauma center doing a 12 hour shift, where half the patients are hardly alive…and you want to know if I am BUSY?!?!? you are a medical doctor, you trained in this area – what do you think?!?! anger brewing more #1, But I say nothing – I let it pass.

They then go on to what I referenced above, my father is on the microphone (the phone) and my mother is spewing script material in the background:

“every father and mother cares for their child.  every parent wants their child close to home.  every parent forgives their child no matter how much hurt.”

anger brewing part #2 for me

Then on to all the reasons why moving far aren’t great, and will slowly be realized by me…okay fine.

then on to: oh so do you want to know I put in $2900 in a life insurance plan for you and your sister every year.  “oh okay that’s great I say.” he goes on – okay here are the exact details of the plan.  anger brewing #3,4,5 for me.  This made me almost lose my mind Anita.  I wanted to scream and say I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF WORK AT A HOSPITAL AND YOU THINK IT IS AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO GO OVER THIS?!?! USE YOUR MIND YOU SOCIO-PATH..you’re a doctor yourself!  but I said: this isn’t the right time for this, I can hardly hear you, I have a very tense day at work.  he responds “OH well I thought you should know, you know parents try to help their children….”  Anger brewing #6,7,8.   How dare you throw some random life insurance plan in my face to try to get me to think you’re amazing.  How stupid do you think I am.  And how dare you deflect when I  say it’s not the right time to explain it, and push it back on me! (oh i’m just a sweet innocent father here to help my daughter, oh what a shame she doesn’t even make time to listen)  ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Ironically at the same time, an alarm went off – that signalled one of the patients were in trouble. I put the phone handle down run across to the other room, attend to what’s going on an then return to my desk.  To my bewilderment, I see I had not hung up the phone, and I pick it up and say “helllo.” and there’s my father waiting on the other line, his first statement is:

“so yes, i think we had a good and productive conversation, make sure you relax today and eat at work, make sure you don’t take too much stress at work”

Anger brewing #8,9, 10 one million.

Who in their right mind, holds on to their stupid conversation when something like that happens?! someone who is a manipulative demon with a goal! Anyone else would have either hung up.  Or when I came back said “oh it seems like there is a lot going on at work for you – let’s talk later.” The best part of this all, is that my father himself is a medical doctor.  That’s what disgusts me the most.

Take too much stress at work?! So you don’t think emotionally harassing your daughter at work falls into this category? nope you don’t. because he is just being a nice caring parent.  Nope, that’s what all parents do – they just want to look out for their kids.  Just like when they get worried sometimes and in mistake call their kids up at 2 am with fake chest pain.  Just like how they almost send their daughter to jail. Just like they harass their future son in law so much for 2 years that he know has a major anxiety disorder.  Yup, all okay.  Just good ole parents with a nice life insurance plan for their kids.

So I leave work around 7 pm, and that deep pain was of course worse, and worse, eating away, blaring it’s red alarm: no more no more.

On my one hour drive home, I literally felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin.  Not to the point that I felt suicidal thoughts of wanting to crash the car, but I felt this intense need to just scream and “run myself off a cliff to a floating safe land.”  Run away from it all Anita, stop the insanity, stop the emotional trauma cancer brewing in my body.

When this happened in the past, I often then projected onto my husband – i would often have found things in him to blame for a lot of this such as: “see maybe we shouldn’t move, look how upset it would make my parents.” etc.  Obviously now i understand none of this is above a move, or anything, it is about the  fact that they are emotional vampires.  Their only job is to abuse, have power over, and be toxic.  Whether you are near far, young old, happy sad, nothing.  The monsters operate in one dimension.

My husband calls me on the way home and asks what’s wrong as he could tell something was “extra off” (considering something always is wrong baseline these days because of all this – what a shame!).  I start trying to explain how I feel.  It feels 1% better, but I know all of it is still “stuck inside me.”  He mentions how crazy it is that my parents hated his, and were so jealous and angry – and now are trying to use them as bait for us to live closer – that they are the people that will go to any depth to get what they want and it’s scary.  I said i agree.  I also noticed a sense of defeat in his voice.  A year ago, hearing all of this would have made him angry, it would have made him say: well cali chica I don’t think we can have a life with these kind of people.  It scares me that this would be my future family.  But he says none of it .  He just sounds plain defeated.

I get home, and feel even worse.  my husband says why don’t you go lay down I’ll warm up this dinner for us.  I see in his eyes, defeat – a feelling of hopelessness: eyes that say, this is my life, I have obtained, a wife that is never really okay (although functional externally) because her parents abuse her..  Never an ounce of peace or relaxation because there is always another earthquake from her parents pending.  What was the most upsetting part is how defeated and hopeless it had made not only me, but him.  It was apparent.

I feel more angry during my 20 mins I lay down before dinner.  I think about how we are only 30 something years old, an married for 5 MONTHS.  This is what he and I come home to – this is the REALITY of our life – look it straight into its face.  It is not a bad day Anita, this is reality of life with my parents in it.  I said to myself this can not be.

I lose my appetite and slowly eat dinner  – he says to me, is there something you don’t like? and i snap.

I say: i like it fine, just let me eat it at my pace, all of this has just really gotten to me.

And that’s it – I see him beaten down.  He has tears in his eyes and says – I don’t know what other man, let alone surgeon, can live this life..  I come home and I am supportive, I operated all day, I want to help you – I make dinner I try to do things around the house since you hardly feel up to it – but I dunno…”

Of course what he says is not profound in the sense of a life shattering commment.  But what I saw was.  He has been saying this for some time Anita, but I haven’t been listening.  You know what i have been listening to: my inner cancer.  It controls me, it does not allow me to have a moment of mental rest,peace, sanity.  Thus, I am unable to be that for anyone else.

Moreover, I see him standing in front of me saying that and I look to myself and think.  What is the point of this all.  Living in self imposed terror, cancer, fear.

I go take some time to myself.  I hear him cleaning up the dishes.  The ever resilient man.  He too wants to break down, lay down, scream cry.  But life must go on.  So he breaks, and he builds up. This is his baseline now.

I thought  about how 3 times in 3 years i have had pain so bad that I actually seeked medical help last year, I thought about how my parents were so terrible and toxic during that India trip last year that I was down to 98 lbs with no appetite.  I thought about how I felt so hopeless half the times a zombie floating through life during that time that I went on anti-depressants for a few months (not that there is anything wrong with that for people) but I know for me it was an act of desperation, I didn’t actually feel that the medicine helped or that was my last resort because I was so dysfunctional, I had no idea – I just didn’t know anymore.  I thought about how my husband when we met was the happiest, most easy going, relaxed person I ever met..  I see him now and he is wound up, and has sleeping issues just like me.  They broke him too Anita..they did.  They were successful in it.

I thought to myself that a life like this is not worth living.  A life like this is not a life at all.  In fact someone with true cancer that has a few years left with optimism and hope, has a better quality of mental life than someone like me with no physical cancer, but daily mental cancer like a vice grip on the brain and body allowing for no breathing.

That living one more day like this is a shame and curse.  That I learned, from you, just because a parent gives birth to you – that does not mean you are indebted to them for life, or that you are then supposed to take every punch in the battlefield that comes my way.

So then I asked myself something similar last night, to what you then wrote this morning (ironic):

“is it a sane person who plans on being in the company of insane people who throw punches, planning on being there for those punches? And what good is your understanding so well expressed in the last few posts, if your choice is to still avail yourself and your family of choice to abuse and harm.”

The answer is no good.  Wisdom but continued harm and abuse is nothing, no point in this good understanding.

My headache pounded my  body felt as though it was dying even more.  and i said that’s it.  My husband was in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom.

I called my parents up, I told them a list of things that they have caused me immense pain in over the last 2 years (of course lots of back and forth screaming tears)

I said, and MEANT more importantly (as saying means nothing to people who don’t  hear).  I realize that I no longer have respect for you.

of course they lash back at how they never respected me, and that i’m a terrible daughter, and the whole community knows how bad I am.  That I wasn’t even there for a severe medical incident for my father – that what bad have they done in this life to deserve this,  that God always helps them, and they will also get help from a terrible daughter – and that God will punish me for this, because torturing parents is an ultimate sin – and so forth.

I tell them not to contact me any longer, my husband, not to harass  my sister about this, or call my in laws about this

-from this they don’t take away, oh why don’t you want us to call.  nope, they say your in laws are evil people, go leave us and go with them, enjoy, but don’t think we don’t know how evil they are and how miserable you are going to me – you’re a fool for cursing your own parents because you can’t stand up to your husband or them.  and it went on.

one of the last things i heard is my mother screaming: i was saying to your father, if I knew that having a daughter would have been like this…we would have been better off having an abortion.

Then I hung up.

And I do not wish to be in contact with them Anita.  I know this.  I know 2 years I didn’t – I know it was brewing in my posts for the last month or so.  I know my most recent wisdom and posts were outwardly blatantly asking me for freedom.  I know..

And last night, when my body and mind could not take any more pain – I said no more.