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  • #192219
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I have enjoyed writing both the previous posts, and I am glad that you have enjoyed reading them.

    I had a conversation with a colleague/friend yesterday that was quite pivotal. It is similar to what you have been pointing out to me over the last month – and I think it may have finally hit.

    He was asking me how things have been going (he is well aware of details of family issues and all – a very close person to me). I started telling him a little about my father (recent cardiac issue) and sister, etc.
    He then interjected and stated, “okay – but how are you?” i said…”i guess fine – i mean better as I took a break from talking to them extensively over the week on vacation.”

    i then continued. he then stated “okay – but how is your marriage.”
    similarly I said: “yes..things are going better, since i’ve been able to detach more from the family issues, and create more boundaries.”

    he then repeated: “okay i get that, but how is your marriage?”

    I realized something at that point, something that he was trying to get at – and out of me.

    My ENTIRE definition of how I am, and more so, how my marriage is – is dependent on my family.

    It is the state of my mind, and thus, the state of my marriage. Sure this makes sense given the torture and horror that has been let alone the last year (not to mention years and years of imprinting and abuse).

    But I see how you have been mentioning 1 vs. 2. 1 being biological family, 2 being the family I chose (my husband and future).

    I see now that – I have not shifted my attention to #2. Yes, I have been working on dealing with #1, and that is not a short term affair, it is a long term ongoing burden. (even if one goes no-contact, as you deal with recovery and healing from the trauma.)

    I know this is not easy for me, or someone like me, as my life is INUNDATED with my mother and also what I realize now (sister) too. But I also know that I can actively make a choice to shift attention.

    I know it is time to do so…and I will first allow myself to do this, by expressing it here.

    Anita, I would like to open up to you about my relationship. I know you have heard bits and pieces in regards to the saga that is my parents. I also know my sister has alluded to some troubles that are similar to what we have in other parts of our life – of course patterns exist. No better quote exists for the relationship I have had with my husband than:
    “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
    When you wrote this, it did start the wheels churning in my head in regards to this epic concept in my life. Yet, it is only now that I want to actively pursue uncovering it.

    I will post later today about some concepts that I feel are relevant. Right now I do feel stuck in regards to that. I will not force it, I know it will flow with time (just as my previous posts you enjoyed did – these took time, patience and learning).

    what I will say is that I do feel angry. I do not feel angry about: “why would my parents say this to me, or why would they treat me this way, why don’t they understand.”
    Instead I feel angry that I am so tortured and traumatized by all of it – that I suffer. I do not deserve to suffer, and I will take every measure I can to promote diminished suffering, so that I may begin to heal.

    I also know that until I begin to suffer less, and heal, my relationship too will suffer. I have seen the beginning of hope, change, and resilience within us. I am married to a patient, resilient, and understanding man – more than any human I have ever met. But – he is still human, and he is not a punching bag. I vow to not treat him as a punching bag anymore, by developing healthy habits – but more so, I vow to not receive these punches from my family. Punch and shoot they will, with all of their might, but i have to deflect with my shield.

    soon enough I will begin to process of truly focusing on my marriage #1 before all. It will be an ongoing process to remind myself of such.

    yes, i do feel angry that I have not been able to for so many years, and even still. when someone asks me how long I have been married (5 months) I have to stop and ask myself. Yes, because it has been very hectic – but more so because we aren’t the newlyweds that are focused on ourselves and starting this new chapter, instead we are distracted and inundated by everything else..

    #192239
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    A third amazing posts. I do not expect every post to be this amazing (wouldn’t like you to feel any pressure to produce more and more of these)- I very much like the shift of attention to your family of choice, very much so.

    You wrote: “I vow to not treat him as a punching bag anymore… I vow to not receive these punches from my family”- I can’t tell you how much I appreciate these vows that you made.

    You continued: “Punch and shoot they will, with all their might, but I have to deflect with my shield”- I have a comment on this statement: it is not good for you and it does not promote your vows to be in an unecessary battlefield. Fight as successfully as you will, deflecting punches with a new and improved shield, you are still fighting. Fighting will continue to drain you from much needed energy to live a better life, to be a good wife, a good mother to be and a good professional.

    Continuing to participate in this battle field will maintain that suffering you are angry about.

    What you have been going through is a process of healing, a process you initiated and taking yourself through, step by step. You decide what to  do, when and how. What I am pointing out here is that healing requires you living in safety, in as much safety as is possible for you.

    There are two battles available for you, the one you are used to, referred to here, and a battle with your unjustified, unreasonable sense of guilt and loyalty.

    I am not thinking at this moment that you … must cut contact, I am not going there with my thoughts, this is not my aim. What must be done is for you to no longer be in an unecessary battlefield, whatever that takes, however that can be arranged.

    Will be looking forward to read more from you, anytime.

    anita

    #192261
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes I agree completely: Continuing to participate in this battle field will maintain that suffering you are angry about.

    Thus,

    What must be done is for you to no longer be in an unecessary battlefield…

    What are some ways I can begin to do this, lean towards this way?

    #192287
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You can try the following with your mother (and father, in parenthesis, because I understand he is her follower, accommodator)- give them a list of verbal punches they have delivered to you so far in the past few years, be specific.Type the list. Email/ hand them the list. Tell them they must not throw these verbal punched at you. If needed, let them know of a consequence that you will deliver if they disregard your list, following a warning-or no warning.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #192297
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    To be quite honest – my approach is going to be self based.  My parents are so beyond insane, and unable to understand anything.  There is no possibility of directing anything TOWARDS them.  In fact, it will make them more angry and combative, and increase stress further.  IT has been a vicious cycle in the past when I tried to do such in a cool calm and collected way.

    Unfortunately, it will have to be me blowing off punches – but also somehow being able to have a firm stance as well.

     

    #192325
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    My parents just called me to give me a list of all the reasons we should not move far away, it included them saying the following: my father speaking (my mother in the background)

    1) it is every parent’s wish that their kids stay close to home

    2) parent’s always forgive their children, and always want to help them and be there for them (forgive?!?!)

    3) right now it may seem easy and fun, but the glamour will fade

    4) it might seem easy to just drop off your dog everytime you want to run somewhere, it won’t be the same with a child. if parents are close by they can help

    5) you need to think hard about this, it is not an easy decision

    6) by the way i bought you a life insurance plan, here are all the details: (i say I can’t get into that right now) he says “OH WELL i was just trying to help and explain”

    7) all of your family is here (mind you my extended family is as pathologic as my parents) and so are your husband’s (the parents of his that they wanted to denounce to evil, and now that it’s convenient for them they want to use them as bait for us to stay)

    8) we know our family friend named D, she wanted to move away to the other coast so bad – but she did, but guess where she lives right now? she moved right back home right by her parents. that’s what ends up happening

    9) we know money is important but so is family (this is out of nowhere because infact if we moved farther away we would make LESS money – he is fishing and projecting would be ideas in our head that are false)

    10) i know you looked very hard, but maybe if you email some more and have patience you will find something here. i get job offers everyday – doesn’t mean i jump across the country

    11) look at all your cousins, they all may have traveled for training but they remain close to home now. see this is what people do.

    #192417
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    * Regarding “it might seem easy to just drop off your dog… it won’t be the same with a child. If patents are close by they can help”- my input: I think it will harm your future child or children to spend alone time with your parents, my goodness, what a bad idea to leave children with them.

    You wrote: “My parents are so beyond insane, and unable to understand anything…”- oh, they do understand something. They understand power and they know they have power over you. They consistently exercise that power over you successfully and intend to continue to do so.

    You wrote: “it (the list I suggested) will make them more angry and combative, and increase stress”- only if you stay for that combat. My suggestion excluded combat: no combat at all.

    You wrote: “My parents are so beyond insane, and unable to understand anything… Unfortunately, it will have to be me blowing off punches- but also somehow being able to have a firm stance as well”-

    My question: is it a sane person who plans on being in the company of insane people who throw punches, planning on being there for those punches?

    And what good is your understanding so well expressed in the last few posts, if your choice is to still avail yourself and your family of choice to abuse and harm.

    anita

    #192421
    Christine
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica,

    I want to first thank you for your post. I feel empathy for you because I understand this feeling all to well. I wasn’t so much aware of it until reading your post. I want to thank you because being aware of something is the first step in healing. I to have self-trust issues. I am currently a college student at a university. I live on campus which is very different for me. I was working daily at a tough job and going to community school prior. I also went through a phase in my life where I was renting a room from strangers I had found online because I simply did not have another option for a home situation since my dad sold our house and moved on with his girlfriend. They live in a smaller condo that did not have room for me. Anyways, I have found that I have had serious self-trust issues arise during my time here at school. I do not have a lot of distractions anymore to hid this. I am currently not working just focusing on school. This is very different for me considering I had a much busier life style last year and prior. I even left my car at my dad’s because I didn’t want to deal with it at school. Having a car gives you a sense of freedom that I do miss sometimes. Sorry I’m rambling a bit.

    College always has felt like something I have to do. Don’t get me wrong I do want to have a degree and do something meaningful with a career. I just don’t trust myself with being able to support myself. I have this underlying fear that I will never be able to succeed in a career or have meaningful relationships. It’s a constant struggle to trust in myself that I will be okay and I can have the life I desire. I am also struggling with relationships because I am such a deep person and it is hard for me to connect with other college students here. I apologize I rambled a lot. I’m not even sure if this all made sense lol. But, thank you for your post. I have some exploring to do with self-trust and I am going to start with sending more love within myself.

    Christine

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Christine.
    #192463
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It has hit me.  Yesterday was the day.

    My previous 3 posts (not the most recent ones but the ones you really enjoyed) came from the heart.  I felt every ounce of them, and they were a breakthrough.  I then went on to explain some of their continued abuse (such as above with the conversation, and also the mother voice in my head regarding the move).  None of this is new.

    Anita, yesterday I was at a busy city hospital (new place) working a 7a-7p shift.  It is as intense as places go (just setting the background, my job seldom overwhelms me or causes me stress – it’s my emotional trauma that  does)

    I wake up with a crazy migraine ever since I get back from the trip, and it feels like there is something just eating away inside.  This of course is worse and worse when I wake up at 5, head to work, etc.  It feels different from my normal pains (as you know I carry stress in my body, headaches, neckaches, upper back tension).  This felt severe.  The same exact feeling 2 years prior that led me to get an MRI.  Looking back at that time, it was a month before our proposal and my parents were daily harassing my current husband and I.  I was preparing for my oral boards examination (most difficult exam for an anesthesiologist), and they were non -stop  (some of this referenced in our very first posts with you).

    Anyway, I feel this terrible feeling, and pain.  I am a doctor, and still I felt like: there is something inside that is literally eating away at me, like a cancer.  And this is what it was – emotional pain, anger: a cancer sitting in my body trapped – causing severe somatic (physical) manifestations of emotional trauma.

    Around noon I get a text from my father.  It says how are you, are you at work.  They know very well I am at work. I sense anxiety brewing in me, just like all of the other times: it starts like this.  “are you at work….yes…okay we need to talk to you…okay here i’ll give you 15 mins….and they bring up insane things out of context…trying to scare with fake chest pain 2 years ago, screaming that my mother in law is trying to control me, my mother on the floor she can’t move because you cali-chica have caused her too much pain…the gamut.” you know exactly what i mean, Anita.  Therefore, this brewing anxiety and waiting for that shoe to drop was nothing new.

    They say okay we just need to talk to you for a few minutes, I then instantly pick up the phone.  I felt this sudden rage and anger, and the okay “what do you want just say it – just  SAY IT”

    My father starts with: “oh is it busy”

    I wanted to scream, I am at a level 1 trauma center doing a 12 hour shift, where half the patients are hardly alive…and you want to know if I am BUSY?!?!? you are a medical doctor, you trained in this area – what do you think?!?! anger brewing more #1, But I say nothing – I let it pass.

    They then go on to what I referenced above, my father is on the microphone (the phone) and my mother is spewing script material in the background:

    “every father and mother cares for their child.  every parent wants their child close to home.  every parent forgives their child no matter how much hurt.”

    anger brewing part #2 for me

    Then on to all the reasons why moving far aren’t great, and will slowly be realized by me…okay fine.

    then on to: oh so do you want to know I put in $2900 in a life insurance plan for you and your sister every year.  “oh okay that’s great I say.” he goes on – okay here are the exact details of the plan.  anger brewing #3,4,5 for me.  This made me almost lose my mind Anita.  I wanted to scream and say I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF WORK AT A HOSPITAL AND YOU THINK IT IS AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO GO OVER THIS?!?! USE YOUR MIND YOU SOCIO-PATH..you’re a doctor yourself!  but I said: this isn’t the right time for this, I can hardly hear you, I have a very tense day at work.  he responds “OH well I thought you should know, you know parents try to help their children….”  Anger brewing #6,7,8.   How dare you throw some random life insurance plan in my face to try to get me to think you’re amazing.  How stupid do you think I am.  And how dare you deflect when I  say it’s not the right time to explain it, and push it back on me! (oh i’m just a sweet innocent father here to help my daughter, oh what a shame she doesn’t even make time to listen)  ABSOLUTELY NOT!

    Ironically at the same time, an alarm went off – that signalled one of the patients were in trouble. I put the phone handle down run across to the other room, attend to what’s going on an then return to my desk.  To my bewilderment, I see I had not hung up the phone, and I pick it up and say “helllo.” and there’s my father waiting on the other line, his first statement is:

    “so yes, i think we had a good and productive conversation, make sure you relax today and eat at work, make sure you don’t take too much stress at work”

    Anger brewing #8,9, 10 one million.

    Who in their right mind, holds on to their stupid conversation when something like that happens?! someone who is a manipulative demon with a goal! Anyone else would have either hung up.  Or when I came back said “oh it seems like there is a lot going on at work for you – let’s talk later.” The best part of this all, is that my father himself is a medical doctor.  That’s what disgusts me the most.

    Take too much stress at work?! So you don’t think emotionally harassing your daughter at work falls into this category? nope you don’t. because he is just being a nice caring parent.  Nope, that’s what all parents do – they just want to look out for their kids.  Just like when they get worried sometimes and in mistake call their kids up at 2 am with fake chest pain.  Just like how they almost send their daughter to jail. Just like they harass their future son in law so much for 2 years that he know has a major anxiety disorder.  Yup, all okay.  Just good ole parents with a nice life insurance plan for their kids.

    So I leave work around 7 pm, and that deep pain was of course worse, and worse, eating away, blaring it’s red alarm: no more no more.

    On my one hour drive home, I literally felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin.  Not to the point that I felt suicidal thoughts of wanting to crash the car, but I felt this intense need to just scream and “run myself off a cliff to a floating safe land.”  Run away from it all Anita, stop the insanity, stop the emotional trauma cancer brewing in my body.

    When this happened in the past, I often then projected onto my husband – i would often have found things in him to blame for a lot of this such as: “see maybe we shouldn’t move, look how upset it would make my parents.” etc.  Obviously now i understand none of this is above a move, or anything, it is about the  fact that they are emotional vampires.  Their only job is to abuse, have power over, and be toxic.  Whether you are near far, young old, happy sad, nothing.  The monsters operate in one dimension.

    My husband calls me on the way home and asks what’s wrong as he could tell something was “extra off” (considering something always is wrong baseline these days because of all this – what a shame!).  I start trying to explain how I feel.  It feels 1% better, but I know all of it is still “stuck inside me.”  He mentions how crazy it is that my parents hated his, and were so jealous and angry – and now are trying to use them as bait for us to live closer – that they are the people that will go to any depth to get what they want and it’s scary.  I said i agree.  I also noticed a sense of defeat in his voice.  A year ago, hearing all of this would have made him angry, it would have made him say: well cali chica I don’t think we can have a life with these kind of people.  It scares me that this would be my future family.  But he says none of it .  He just sounds plain defeated.

    I get home, and feel even worse.  my husband says why don’t you go lay down I’ll warm up this dinner for us.  I see in his eyes, defeat – a feelling of hopelessness: eyes that say, this is my life, I have obtained, a wife that is never really okay (although functional externally) because her parents abuse her..  Never an ounce of peace or relaxation because there is always another earthquake from her parents pending.  What was the most upsetting part is how defeated and hopeless it had made not only me, but him.  It was apparent.

    I feel more angry during my 20 mins I lay down before dinner.  I think about how we are only 30 something years old, an married for 5 MONTHS.  This is what he and I come home to – this is the REALITY of our life – look it straight into its face.  It is not a bad day Anita, this is reality of life with my parents in it.  I said to myself this can not be.

    I lose my appetite and slowly eat dinner  – he says to me, is there something you don’t like? and i snap.

    I say: i like it fine, just let me eat it at my pace, all of this has just really gotten to me.

    And that’s it – I see him beaten down.  He has tears in his eyes and says – I don’t know what other man, let alone surgeon, can live this life..  I come home and I am supportive, I operated all day, I want to help you – I make dinner I try to do things around the house since you hardly feel up to it – but I dunno…”

    Of course what he says is not profound in the sense of a life shattering commment.  But what I saw was.  He has been saying this for some time Anita, but I haven’t been listening.  You know what i have been listening to: my inner cancer.  It controls me, it does not allow me to have a moment of mental rest,peace, sanity.  Thus, I am unable to be that for anyone else.

    Moreover, I see him standing in front of me saying that and I look to myself and think.  What is the point of this all.  Living in self imposed terror, cancer, fear.

    I go take some time to myself.  I hear him cleaning up the dishes.  The ever resilient man.  He too wants to break down, lay down, scream cry.  But life must go on.  So he breaks, and he builds up. This is his baseline now.

    I thought  about how 3 times in 3 years i have had pain so bad that I actually seeked medical help last year, I thought about how my parents were so terrible and toxic during that India trip last year that I was down to 98 lbs with no appetite.  I thought about how I felt so hopeless half the times a zombie floating through life during that time that I went on anti-depressants for a few months (not that there is anything wrong with that for people) but I know for me it was an act of desperation, I didn’t actually feel that the medicine helped or that was my last resort because I was so dysfunctional, I had no idea – I just didn’t know anymore.  I thought about how my husband when we met was the happiest, most easy going, relaxed person I ever met..  I see him now and he is wound up, and has sleeping issues just like me.  They broke him too Anita..they did.  They were successful in it.

    I thought to myself that a life like this is not worth living.  A life like this is not a life at all.  In fact someone with true cancer that has a few years left with optimism and hope, has a better quality of mental life than someone like me with no physical cancer, but daily mental cancer like a vice grip on the brain and body allowing for no breathing.

    That living one more day like this is a shame and curse.  That I learned, from you, just because a parent gives birth to you – that does not mean you are indebted to them for life, or that you are then supposed to take every punch in the battlefield that comes my way.

    So then I asked myself something similar last night, to what you then wrote this morning (ironic):

    “is it a sane person who plans on being in the company of insane people who throw punches, planning on being there for those punches? And what good is your understanding so well expressed in the last few posts, if your choice is to still avail yourself and your family of choice to abuse and harm.”

    The answer is no good.  Wisdom but continued harm and abuse is nothing, no point in this good understanding.

    My headache pounded my  body felt as though it was dying even more.  and i said that’s it.  My husband was in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom.

    I called my parents up, I told them a list of things that they have caused me immense pain in over the last 2 years (of course lots of back and forth screaming tears)

    I said, and MEANT more importantly (as saying means nothing to people who don’t  hear).  I realize that I no longer have respect for you.

    of course they lash back at how they never respected me, and that i’m a terrible daughter, and the whole community knows how bad I am.  That I wasn’t even there for a severe medical incident for my father – that what bad have they done in this life to deserve this,  that God always helps them, and they will also get help from a terrible daughter – and that God will punish me for this, because torturing parents is an ultimate sin – and so forth.

    I tell them not to contact me any longer, my husband, not to harass  my sister about this, or call my in laws about this

    -from this they don’t take away, oh why don’t you want us to call.  nope, they say your in laws are evil people, go leave us and go with them, enjoy, but don’t think we don’t know how evil they are and how miserable you are going to me – you’re a fool for cursing your own parents because you can’t stand up to your husband or them.  and it went on.

    one of the last things i heard is my mother screaming: i was saying to your father, if I knew that having a daughter would have been like this…we would have been better off having an abortion.

    Then I hung up.

    And I do not wish to be in contact with them Anita.  I know this.  I know 2 years I didn’t – I know it was brewing in my posts for the last month or so.  I know my most recent wisdom and posts were outwardly blatantly asking me for freedom.  I know..

    And last night, when my body and mind could not take any more pain – I said no more.

    #192475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    What a post, my goodness, I am letting myself absorb this. I feel the upheaval, the distress, you expressed it so well.

    Save yourself, save your life and keep the no contact resolution. When you were with your father on the phone and a patient was in trouble, a life or death kind of trouble, that could have been you.

    Save yourself and do right by your husband. Save him too.

    Listen to your parents’ recent input to you, read it well: “they never respected you”- don’t you see, no matter how hard you tried, they did not respect you all along.

    “that I’m a terrible daughter”- don’t you see, no matter how hard you tried.

    “and what bad have they done in this life to deserve this”- well, stop their perceived injustice, don’t give them more of “this”, more of what they perceive as bad for them.

    “that God always helps them”- well they will always have that god and that community that holds tightly to the belief that one is to obey parents, no matter what.

    “that God will punish me for this”- well, they have been doing god’s work for a long time, ever since you were born.

    “because torturing parents is an ultimate sin”- no, betraying the trust of an innocent child is an ultimate sin. That is what they have done.

    “One of the last things I heard is my mother screaming: I was saying to your father, if I knew that having a daughter would have been like this…we would have been better off having an abortion”- help your mother get “better off”, having a better life, by performing… sort of a retroactive abortion and abort yourself from her life. Help her this way.

    Your parents are indeed cruel. I know cruelty and indeed, they are cruel.

    May what you heard your mother say last, may it be the last you heard her say.

    * It is a matter of time (and may have already  happened) before you feel guilty, before you get scared and distressed, before you consider calling them and apologizing and … well, it is only a matter of time. They know it and expect it.

    Their community and most of society otherwise supports them because they are parents and nothing else matters.

    When you feel that guilt, that is your insanity. I hope you do what it takes to no longer accommodate what is insanity, on your part. Be is psychotherapy at this point, be it posting here. Do what it takes.

    anita

    #192535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Thinking about you, concerned. I hope to read from you when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours. I sure hope you are okay, that if you are not, that you get the help  that you need, maybe take a break from work, rest and get any kind of help that you need, a good massage to the upper back and shoulders, maybe a few therapy sessions with a quality therapist.

    Please be good to yourself.

    anita

    #192669
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You always read my mind, and are such a source of support to me.

    I am okay.  I did get a good massage to exactly the upper back and neck (that is where  I hold my stress and pain) and it has been excruciating.  It still is, but of course slightly better.  I realize this is what I am going for, management of symptoms – not expecting any profound results in mind or body, anytime soon.

    So where to begin? I have so much to say but nothing at all.  I took off of work today, to be alone with my thoughts and let this all sink in.  I don’t want to push coffee onto myself and zip off to work, I want to sit with the thoughts and events at hand.

    I don’t want to talk to friends and ask how their day was, I want to sit with my thoughts and all that washes over me.

    In short, for the first time in my entire life – I don’t want to try.  What I mean by this is that, if I feel tired, I will lay here, if I feel up for it, I will go out for a walk.  My life has been dictated by what I should be doing and this expectation I (others) put on myself, and the first thing that I am going to let myself do – is just be.

    I had terrible sleep last night and around 4 am, I felt a lot of new thoughts wash over me.  I didn’t get frightened, I didn’t reach for a sleeping pill, or the TV remote – I listened.  I said : finally you thoughts and pain are coming out.  Go ahead, come out  I will watch you and observe you.

    My husband felt concerned, and stated that with something like this, it can be likely I fall into a deep depression.  I know this.  I am aware, and I have had certain symptoms of that in the past in my life – so imagine now.

    I am not opposed to getting treatment such as psychotherapy etc.

    But you know what Anita, at this moment, here and now.  The only thing I want to do is sit with my thoughts, let them wash over me, and write them to you when I can.  Of course so many come and go without me remembering them.  That’s fine. My goal isn’t to catch them, it is to observe them.  I don’t want to numb them, be distracted from them, or find a way to “fix them.” No more – no more.

    I feel in many ways my parents are murderers.  If you break a young girls spirit, you kill her.  That’s what they did..  To my sister too.

    I do believe I will now have to learn how to live again.  From the basics such as learn how to sleep.  To things such as learn how to handle a negative conversation.  To advanced, learn how to handle immense stress without letting it consume my body – (one day).  Learn how to walk away from people and things when they are not serving you and providing benefit.

    My focus is not that right now, my focus is survival.  My focus is to wake up and stay strong, but open to all that will hopefully begin to release in me.  To facilitate this slow release.

    I believe this is the second part of my life.  The first part, sometimes I hardly remember living, so many milestones, memories, and achievements – but I never lived.  It was all in the pretense of stress, or perhaps a week or 2 or months without it, but intense stress thereafter.  Thus, overall – that is not living.  Especially the last 2 years, more milestones than ever, graduating fellowship, becoming a physician, engaged, married – but when I think about that – I see myself floating.  Floating through these events, such concrete like stress and pain and tension in my body – but managing to “make” all those milestones.

    Nothing matters, where you live, what you do, who you think you are – if you have no peace.

    I have no peace, I knew no other way.  This life is suffering, according to Buddhism.  But what I have been doing, is not life.  It is not living.

     

    So with my parents before I sat down to write some of my thoughts, I had many, but they have washed away.  I know this will happen a lot these days as the mind and body get inundated with so much that was put away… and so much new trauma.

    I know that I am proud for not believing what they say.  I know I will never get closure from people like them, such as them understanding what they did to my sister and I – but I am not looking for that.  My goal is to have peace, and to walk away from abuse – not to wish bad upon them, to make them understand, to explain.  No justification needed for them or anyone.

    I know how I feel everyday I wake up, and I know how I suffer..  You do too.  So does my sister, and my husband.  That’s all that matters.

    I turned off my phone today because I was getting inundated with “unknown” blocked numbers.  I have blocked their numbers and so it goes straight to voicemail.  Last night before I turned my phone off I saw 10 voicemails.  I went to delete them, and clicked play on one of them by mistake, all I heard was: “we are here to support you…that’s all ever do…”

    It brought a zing of pain back into my neck and I immediately deleted.  I know they will not stop, and I know I can not keep my phone off forever.  I know they will soon proceed to other avenues, getting my uncles to call, maybe trying to reach out to my friends, calling my in laws.  They act out of desperation on a regular basis, imagine now.

    But it doesn’t matter.

    If I am strong enough to make this decision, I will survive their soliciting..  That’s the least of my issue.

    When I woke up feeling pretty heavy, my puppy curled up next to me and looked at me.  I had instant flashback of how I recall my mother being sad many mornings throughout my life, and how I made her feel better.  At first that gave me a strange feeling, but then I thought about what you said. If you look at my life and my mother’s whose is worse?

    So I thought about this and said, If at the age of 32 despite everything on this morning I feel like this – then what good is my life? So no, I can not feel bad for others.  I have to nurture myself.

    After my last conversation with them, they called my sister over 40 times.  I was on the phone with her and  I said, I used to see this different – now I see it as: a parent should shield a child from pain, not inflict it.

    See here the texts my sister is getting, they are to invoke pain, to alarm.  Just like the chest pain incidents.   Let us alarm our daughters so they may be “present.” Let us scare them and alarm them so we may power over them.

    Parents do not act out of creating fear, parents diminish fear.
    Parents do not try to turn one daughter against the other, or gossip bad about one to the other as they have done our whole lives..  Parents are not threatened  by the close relationship of their daughters, they would be proud of it.

    Parents do not say, you are dead to us, and we should have had an abortion, just to leave 10 desperate voicemails the next day, sane humans don’t

    My mother said the other night on the phone, that some daughters are so terrible, that they kill their fathers.  See B (family friend) their father passed away right….well it is because of their oldest daughter P.

    The fact that this would even be ready to come out of her mouth – and what she referenced is that a family friend of ours past away, prior to that their older daughter was marrying someone the family didn’t like and moving away.  Yes, mother, that’s what killed him..  Not a cerebral anuerysm.

    And what about how some parents are so evil, that they kill their daughters? They are alive in body, but not in soul or spirit.

    They are punching bags and puppets for you.  Calichica is so great let’s show off about her, oh now she’s so terrible a shame to us, let’s harass her until she budges.  Oh she’s so great again, but not doing this one thing we deem important, let’s call her incessantly with a script and make sure she knows it.

    this sounds like a rag doll.  not a human.  biologic relation or not, no human should be treated this way.  as a doll to fit someone’s needs.

    I never also realized how they infantilize me, talk to me like a 5 year old who will listen and say “yes daddy” they do this under the pretense that all children listen to their parents…and if they don’t parents are kind and helpful and help them with advice.

    I sometimes forget I am a grown married woman! I used to think because I lacked maturity – I realize because they treated me this way, beat me down to that.

    One moment that continues to pop up in my mind.  The engagement party Nov 2016.  My in laws threw a large engagement party, after my parents threw a fit and harassed them everyday for a month. Would say things like if you don’t you don’t deserve our daughter.  We will tell everyone in the community how cheap you are.  How are we so unlucky to find inlaws like you.  In the indian culture, the guys side throws the party (pays for it) and so my parents demanded they do it their way.

    this is around the time I started posting here.  Anyway my fiance and I are on the stage at this beautiful lavish engagement party.  There is a speech or two, and a “ring ceremony.” Kind of a tradition where the guy puts the ring on the girls finger as he did at the proposal.  It kind of makes it official in front of everyone.  Well the DJ had messed up the order, and thee ring ceremony was quick and kinda unorganized and short, so I kinda laughed as it felt silly.

    Thereafter, the DJ announced a surprise.  That it was my husband’s mother’s 70th birthday that week..So when they announced it, I realized there was a cake, that we rolled out onto stage.  His mother then joined us, there was a birthday song etc.  His mother was in tears.

    I look to the left and i see my mother, and her eyes are DAGGERS like a night mare.  I will never forget.

    The next day we go to my house, to pick up some things.  My mom takes me aside and scolds me: “so that’s what this party is about, honoring his mother – I saw how happy you were giggling and laughing, and that witch putting on a show with tears.

    the party was for you, and the ring ceremony you just flew through it – and laughed like it was stupid.  the important parts you don’t ccare about – but so eager to get a cake for his mother!” she was beside her self.

    And anita after tall their harassment to have a party, after it is planned, 200 guests are there, cake is had, dancing is done, my hair and makeup , all –

    all that she takes home from that whole night, the night they pushed for – is that. the cake for his mother.

    and that is just like her isn’t it..

     

     

    #192681
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    What a relief it is to read from you! I was so concerned. It is good to know you are alive and taking time off from work, having had an upper back and neck massage and letting all this sink in.

    I was thinking of you yesterday after getting off the computer, on my walk, and it hit me, the extent of your mother/ parents’ cruelty. I thought of the word evil. The lack of empathy, the consistent lack of empathy and the consistent inflicting of pain on their own daughters is almost incredible. From my experience, this is an extreme case of ongoing cruelty on the part of your parents.

    The fact that you are a good person is, I believe, a result of that 95%- 5% concept I expressed to you before, it is you overreaching the very distant, very un-empathetic parents. Except that 5% has been generous. I see no empathy at all on the part of your parents.

    Save yourself, Cali Chica.

    Please do not go back to the old way of (non) living. You will be hearing people tell you things, how you should forgive because they are your parents. You will hear those very common societal messages if you avail yourself to hearing them. Not a good idea.

    Adhere to reality, to the truth. Let the dust settle, so to speak, following this earthquake, this upheaval. This here is the hard work.

    Your recent posts when you were on vacation, that was the academic work, excellent, yet this, now, is the real work. It is what is necessary.

    Post anytime.

    anita

    #192841
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dearest Anita,

    Today I woke up and felt a little lighter. I changed my phone number yesterday, I couldn’t take the amount of unknown and blocked numbers I was getting I could hardly get one song in listening via Bluetooth from my phone before I would get 20 phone calls. It is not a way to live. Getting a new phone number is also a fresh start in many other ways of deleting old contacts and solicitors that you may not want from other parts of your life as well. In this new life I choose who I want in it and who I want out because I am able because I am worth it.

    I thought about how there is a fine line between discipline, Toughlove, and abuse. I’m talking about this in general. Many cultures especially Asian cultures value the idea of Toughlove, the generic joke is always that if you get a B+ they’re going to ask you why you didn’t get an A-. If you get an a minus they’re going to ask you why you didn’t get an A+. To a point this can be OK if it teaches hard work discipline and achieving your goals. I never dealt with this kind of discipline from my parents bc I was a high achiever naturally and I never actually had them push me academically. The funny thing is the kind of abuse that my parents gave me is so indolent it is so subtle but yet so severe it is not something that you can quantify inbconversation, not that I need to, but that is why it takes so long for children to realize it.
    It is much easier to spot things such as child abuse, broken limbs and bruises. It is much easier to identify domestic abuse, a woman with a blackeye. It is much easier to spot severe parental control: the sense of if I don’t get these grades my parents punish me and don’t let me out of the room. I always thought that my parents were relaxed given that they never forced me to excel academically, and I had all the social privileges I wanted, I left the house when I wanted to I came home when I wanted to – actually had a good life. The things other teenagers complained about I never dealt with.
    I had respect for my parents and knew my boundaries but I also enjoyed my life fully and did not feel constrained. Life was good.
    I realize that at this point in my life I had done nothing wrong, I was not getting any sort of abuse from them because everything was going according to plan. things were simple and straightforward I was a young kid living in their house not doing anything out of the ordinary and nothing that I was doing was causing them anxiety or taking away from themselves. It was not like I was trying to go towards a path that would make them look bad in society. It was not like I was dating someone that was out of our cultural bounds that would make them look bad and make them feel like I was wrong and deserving of disciplinary action. I used to always think that wow my parents got upset with me and my sister about things so small, imagine if my sister and I were actually bad kids, running off with boys, getting pregnant, getting involved with drugs, dropping out of school. Oh wonder if we did things to that extreme! imagine how they would react when even small things are a big deal to them. This is not something I thought about until a few years ago however.

    Anyway backtracking to the earlier years, I never noticed that my parents were really controlling because in fact I had a ton of freedom. But what I did notice is that there was a ton of anger and sadness festering in my family for a variety of reasons. my mother for all of the aforementioned things, the constant negativity from her side of the family, the constant negativity of my dads side of the family in India, and the constant strife between them. I did not think much of this. I thought it was sad, I thought that it was unfortunate, but I did not think that it caused me to have a very unlucky place in the world. Key point- I did not think it made me unlucky to be their child.

    Slowly – I started noticing that I would have subconscious anger towards them but not in ways that I could explain. I remember being in medical school and my dad had called five times about receiving a W-2 tax form. I remember getting so annoyed and thinking OK enough is enough I know you’re trying to help me with my taxes but I will let you know when the form is here. My roommate at the time said to me, well it just seems like your dad is concerned given that this is not something that you’re used to doing on your own. I said yeah I guess you’re right. These kind of feelings were the beginning of my anger and understanding that what they were doing was out of the norm, it was controlling, and it was limitless without boundaries.

    About five years ago when I had just started dating my now husband, my parents had an anniversary in April. My parents make a huge deal about their anniversary every year. This is not because they are this amazing happy couple in love, it is because they think that it should be a production to make themselves feel better and important. Growing up we made sure that we all went out to dinner and celebrated it, it was as though they were children and we were throwing them a five-year-old birthday party. I was living in Manhattan at the time of this particular anniversary, and my house was an hour away. My boyfriend and I had Just gone to their house over that weekend to visit them. And their anniversary was that following Thursday, on a weekday. When Wednesday arrived my mother called me and said: so we are making dinner reservations for tomorrow you guys will be there right? And I said wellMom we were just there this weekend, I thought that was the anniversary celebration. Tomorrow might be tough because it is a weekday and we have a very early morning on Friday. (We were both in residency at the time mind you: he in a surgical residency and I in anesthesiology our days are greater than 12-15 hours sometimes starting at 5:30 in the morning. But obviously this is just a sidenote)

    She got really quiet and said well OK I get it, I guess I just really thought that you would be there for our anniversary, this is the kind of thing that only happens once a year and you have the liberty of living close by. So many families dream of spending such milestones together.

    Guilt trip much?

    My poor boyfriend (now husband) looked at me, and just shrugged. He had told me prior to the conversation that he really needed just an evening to rest because we had run over to my parents house that past weekend did a ton of driving, rushed into work the next few days, and now Thursday evening would also require three hours hours of driving and little sleep. I listen to him but not really.

    I call my mother back and at this time I try to make up a different plan perhaps maybe meeting another weekend to “make up for it.” She seems sullen like a child that was just got his candy taken away. So of course I felt the need to pacify her, I say it’s fine we will be there we might just be a little bit late.

    Once Thursday evening rolls around I recall being so stressed and rushing to get there, traffic getting outside of Manhattan, feeling the need to get there on time, but also being angry at why are we doing this. My boyfriend was getting quite annoyed but not saying much and this was the beginning of him seeing how demanding my family is but not really realizing it himself either.

    We got to the restaurant and it is a normal dinner nothing special, at the end of the dinner we are going outside to the cars and my mom makes a comment that I can’t really remember but it was something that was extremely triggering. Something like: “see now that wasn’t so bad was it, you guys came here, and look how great the dinner was you know it shouldn’t have to be that difficult.”

    And Anita I lost it, I went off on them I started screaming I literally lost my marbles. I probably made a scene. My sister started crying my boyfriend at the time was horrified, and tries to call me down. It ended with my mom and father going to the car and crying and saying “all we wanted was a nice anniversary and you had to come here and act like that and ruin it, what have we done that is so bad as parents for you to treat us like this. So many people can just go out and have a nice sweet holiday with their kids, and you come in here and you treat us like this”

    My sister was also angry at me at the time because she was protecting my parents and saying how dare you come in and ruin this for them our poor parents are always so sad they deserve this anniversary. Brainwashed we all were. Even getting in the car to go back to Manhattan, my boyfriend said to me that was wrong of me to lash out at my parents like that and where did that anger come from? I couldn’t answer.
    But I know now. That was the beginning, that was the beginning of the truth emanating from within me, I saw how wrong that whole anniversary dinner scenario was played out, it wasn’t about the distance that the dinner was it wasn’t about the day, it was about the sense of “of course she will do this for us and if you don’t we will be sad”. The manipulation, the narcissism, the evil. Something in my body was trying to escape and express that, but it didn’t come out in the way that I had expected to, and of course I did not identify this rage and anger within me. I see now that it was just me trying to break out of those shackles.
    Now if I said the story out loud to a third-party it would sound like I was just getting annoyed for making that sacrifice for my parents, but the point of the matter is that it doesn’t matter what the story sounds like from the outside, it is the internal subliminal feeling that I got because their subliminal control.

    The abuse from them has never been about the actual events themselves it’s been about the weird background messages that they would give us. For example many parents may not want her children to move far away, but the way that my dad handled it and guilt tripped me this week and made it apparent that if I moved I would be unhappy and that I would be doing them a disservice, now that is a different story.

    The anniversary incident is quite pivotal in my life, my parents of course remembered that for years ahead. Any time something would happen they would say that I’m the kind of daughter that can’t even come to a dinner an hour away without causing a disruption.
    Funny thing is that I have spent a lot of my life with guilt, but that was one incident where I never felt sorry. I never apologized for, and I never felt truly apologetic. I know this because it was the beginning of me seeing the truth. I did not feel sorry because my emotions were true, it was a little girl inside trying to escape and so there was nothing to be sorry for.

    How amazing it can be that someone so educated and smart in other parts of her life was unable to identify those types of emotions, where they were coming from. The power that abuse has over a child is incredible as you say. Their evil is incredible. I realize that there is no greater bond then between a parent and a child and therefore there is no greater ability for abuse and battering. It is biologic and natural for a child to trust their parents as you have said, and thus brainwashing and abuse can be so detrimental that It can truly change the soul of a child. These days when I hear about terrorism and how young children are performing terrorist acts, I am not even surprised, I see the effects of abuse and brainwashing, parents can convince their children to believe almost anything.

    I knew that anniversary dinner was the beginning of my hatred towards my parents, my anger my rage. My frustration with myself as why I would let myself live this sort of life. But I was having trouble with it, I felt like I didn’t know how to say no, but yet got angry at myself for always feeling pretty crappy. It was a vicious cycle and it has continued of course until about a few months ago.

    I recall two months before the wedding my parents and in-laws both came over for a family meeting. Don’t get me started on how we actually decided to have this meeting that is a whole other story that involves some fake chest pain of course.

    My parents arrive first and my in-laws arrive second. Later in the meeting my mother says out loud: “that I didn’t seem to be as happy when they arrived, as when my in-laws arrived, it is really apparent to her and it hurts her.” She then faces my in-laws and says to them, what have you done to my daughter for her to become like this. She was so close to us and we have always been so close our whole life, now that you have entered the picture you have ruined the relationship between our daughter and us what have you done to create this. You may try to take her away from us but you will never succeed, the bond between mother and daughter is endless.

    This scenario is out of a textbook, no understanding that something she may have done would cause a rift between her and I, no understanding of the abuse that she is pushing on to me that has caused me to detach and retract some, only looking at others as a source. The interesting thing is that prior to the incident I felt like if my mother was angry she was allowed to speak her mind whether it was to a stranger or to a family member, of course she’s allowed to say that to someone: she is upset!. Looking back at this incident it was entirely inappropriate for her to say that about me in front of everyone first of all, not to mention it was not true. Second of all to blatantly point a finger at my in-laws. More than abuse this also shows me a true lack of respect for human beings, she feels that she can say whatever she wants whenever she wants, and that we are all supposed to forgive that because she is speaking her mind and she is hurt.

    She always says this one thing, I speak from the heart and I speak truth and that is why you don’t like it because you don’t like to hear the ugly truth. Her emotions are always the truth, if we don’t like the way it sounds and feel offended by it, we are wrong because we are unable to “handle the truth“

    About 10 years ago I started thinking: what makes her emotions more true than mine? That was also another beginning for me.

    I say now,
    Well in fact mom it’s not that I don’t like to hear the ugly truth I just don’t like to hear your ugly self, everything that spews out of you is ugly, for it is not the truth it is a lie.

    Going back to the situation above I never thought of it that my mother should have enough self-respect for me to not bully me like that in public in front of other people (let alone her reasoning was wrong but regardless). I always felt like she is my mother so she is allowed to say whatever she wants to meet even in front of other people. If I had said something about that : she would say a lot of parents do that because if their daughters are acting a certain way of course the parent has to intervene and show them. She also will attribute it to the guise of Indian culture in which parents know best and that children need to respect their elders and so an elder is just setting the way. That all other daughters respect their parents and get this and wouldn’t even perform the acts I do that would require a parent to intervene.

    I see now at the age of 32 that I am much older than many people, but yet much younger. And regardless no individual deserves disrespect, I have no right to bully a 15-year-old patient in front of her mother because that is it inappropriate. if I want to tell her something I can take her aside. My boss has no right to bully me in front of all of my colleagues because that is inappropriate. if he wants to say something to me he can take me aside. This is not because I am special it is because I am human and I deserve this respect just like anyone else. This is not any culture, it should be all cultures -because all cultures should promote self respect.

    It feels foreign to think this way and it feels almost like do I deserve that? It almost feels like too much freedom if that makes sense.

    It almost feels like anarchy because in the other world there is control and hierarchy. In this world is it a free for all, if all are respected equally? Oh my.
    Nope, it’s not. In fact in the world where there is hierarchy and the elders are allowed to say anything there is a free-for-all because it can lead to unlimited one-sided abuse. On the contrary, In this open world where there is equal respect amongst all ages and all individuals- there’s not a free-for-all because given that there is that mutual respect, people DO NOT cross those boundaries and do not feel they have limitless abilities.

    Similarly, Anita, about once a day my mind goes to this new place- a place that thinks “wait so now I can literally do whatever I want?” And then it quickly shies away from that place because it feels too foreign and unruly. I think “So wait without all of this control in my brain over my life -then I can be free in my mind, that seems to good to be true!”
    My brain has gone there a few times but it quickly has walked away because it not only seems too good to be true, it seems like a world like that cannot exist, how can it? without feeling controlled by something exterior would everything just be a free-for-all?
    And I remind myself, again no. Because what did that external feeling of control and constant anxiety lead to, a life full of achievements and a life full of memories but– no feeling of living at all. External control manipulation and anxiety have no bearing on what someone can amount to as all they amount to are abused victims!

    the only point there is is to live, is to live each day with mental peace. And so this can Only be done in a world that is free of mental torture and control and abuse.

    When my mind goes to that place I think of it like a puppy exploring a new room and then quickly taking his paw back because he feels that he is not sure if he’s ready to go there, or if he’s allowed to. Well I’m glad that my puppy self is at least exploring the vicinity of that room (the room of freedom) and I know that one day he will enter.

    #192859
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear, dearest Cali Chica:

    What a post. So much in it, so much truth, honesty, decency, awakening… growing wisdom, understanding beyond, the big picture, reality.

    Your stories about your mother are amazingly consistent. She is very consistent in her extreme lack of empathy for her own daughters. What was it she said when you had a mental breakdown during medical school: you cried as a baby and you are still crying? Very consistent with zero empathy for you and zero empathy for your sister.

    She is very consistent with expressing zero respect for you  and for anyone else.

    She is very consistent with using you and everyone else for her perceived benefit with no regard whatsoever to the damage she causes others, how she is hurting others, including your in laws. Others’ pain is none of her concern.

    She is indeed an extreme case of zero empathy for others. When a person is devoid of empathy for others, they are okay inflicting pain on others because it doesn’t bother them.

    It didn’t bother your mother, doesn’t bother her and will not bother her that she hurt you, and if you will be in contact with her, it will not bother her to hurt you again. It will not bother her to hurt your children.

    It is not that she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t care to hurt others.

    I suppose this is an adequate definition of evil: having no empathy for others, not being bothered by causing pain to others, proceeding to do so relentlessly.

    An extreme case here. This is not a case of an imperfect mother or an inadequate one. This is a case of an evil one, my goodness.

    You, Cali Chica, have the opportunity to live a life you didn’t think possible before, one yet to be revealed. Few are going the way you are going. Take it very slowly, do not go back. Be patient, let the dust settle again and again.

    anita

     

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