Hello,

quit the job yes – slowly but surely….so for the first time EVER – i did something, I analyzed my motivation behind a small meaningless social situation.  here goes, and sorry if this is jumbled – I am excited to post my observation of myself because your insight has brought some new awareness to me.

I come home from work often and bring my dog for playtime outside in the public backyard area of our apartment complex.  through this I met a friend a few months ago, Juliana.  She is a very sweet girl, and has moved here from Brazil and does not have many friends.  Her english is poor, and she doesn’t always feel like she fits in.  Our interaction was an instant click, as she is a sweet person. since then – i have invited her over a few times (because I really wanted to spend time with her?, craving social attention, and had the energy to? – nope not at all – more on this below)

so that’s background.

so today – i was leaving work in a hurry, and before i could even think – i texted her: hey, going to be outside with the dog in 15 minutes if you want to join.

now if i stop and thought (which i never do): did i really want her to join me? not necessarily, it would have been nice to have 20 mins outside to myself and the dog.

did i invite her bc our dogs would enjoy the experience more: not necessarily, my dog doesn’t particularly play with hers.

sure if shes there its fine, but why did i go out of my way (naturally) to tell her and “invite” her —

because: IT’S HABIT.

this was a huge revelation for me.  not only is it habit, it “feels necessary.” now NOT because i am lonely and don’t like to spend time alone, and NEEDED the company of someone.  more because the way I am raised.

like you so astutely pointed out, my mom was trying to live vicariously through me by placing immense immense pressure on friendships.  she almost idolized how many friends I had growing up, it was always an important thing and priority.  such as oh mom today i went to the gym – “oh with who” not, oh what did you do there, did you have fun.  calisister can elaborate more – as my mom has done this even more to her because she is convinced my sister (who did not have as many friends as me growing up) is always alone, and she fixates on my sister making/having friends.

anyway – so I see something.  my mom convinced us, and imprinted in us, that to have friends is of utmost importance.  of more importance than learning about one’s own self, and finding comfort in your own company.  in fact, we weren’t taught to value that at all.  regardless, i have developed a sense of enjoying alone time, to a point, as i have grown out of my 20s and into my 30s – which is something I like about myself, and am glad to cultivate.

Regardless – as you see above today, because it is SO HABITUAL – I immediately don’t allow myself the personal space often, even if I don’t truly want to be social.  another thing I realize is this:

Juliana reminds me in many ways of my mom when she first immigrated:

sweet, young, innocent – lonely, not many friends, and very gracious to find good female interaction.

so – I almost “took her under my wing” during the times I invited her for interaction.

next, she has opened up to me about some things about her husband that to many people would be found to be rude and obnoxious – however she tolerates it well and pretty much dismisses it due to a combination of being seeimingly naive, a new immigrant here, young, innocent, forgiving, etc.. (the husband is not the point, nor is the way she deals with it – more so my observation and “concern” of wow wait Juliana’s husband isn’t the best)

i notice that after she told me this, I felt even more compelled to reach out to her.  and not even because she voiced this neediness to me.

so i see now – i operate on this job. i operate on this job of: i am good at making friends, and being there for people – my mother gave me this job – and so i will do this job to the best of my ability, for it is my role.

i have trouble turning it off, with even pretty much stranger/acquaintances like Juliana.

i find that even in times where I have extremely little time and energy – I STILL don’t turn this part of me off.  like say i was ragged from work all week – i may have still asked her to join me outside even though deep down all i wanted was 15 minutes of silence with my dog (small example – but telling: that I feel I must operate like this  always and I can’t turn it off).

Dear Anita and sister,

you did not butt into my thread! You gave me light!

so the background Anita is – my mother has placed the “burden” of uplifting her and making her happy for me throughout my life. Sister can comment on this. If I wasn’t at a family event she was sad, If I was coming, she would be excited and her whole day would revolve around it. Needless to say at one point about 5 years ago I couldn’t take it anymore – too much pressure and obsession. No understanding of limits or boundaries (as you know).

My my sister has not done the same thing. However, my mother made it her whole life that she “needs my help.”  That she isn’t great about making friends so why don’t I help her. Oh she’s lonely why don’t you take her out. (Some of which is normal big sis little sis) but as you know with my mother nothing was normal.

So for example my mother did not give my sister the feeling she was independent and capable. And so without the fault of my sister it’s been Vey much that I am the “emotional caretaker” of her too. Yes, I do need to slowly change this view and see that my sister is able and okay. However since over the last year there has been many ups and downs, it has stunted that progress.

All of this has helped tremendously. I now see that I micromanage as a form of control, and anxiety. It is also rooted in My inability to turn off. So I am “on” even when I don’t need to be, such as trying to solve sisters every problem or have an opinion. All in all being able to sit back and take things in will be helpful for myself and those around me as it will help me be less anxious, micromanaging, and always “on”

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.

Hello anita,

I am wondering, if you imagine right now ending all contact with your mother -what kinds of thoughts go through your mind?

I haven’t formally formulated this thinking so I will give you my “fragmented thoughts”

1) immense and deep sadneses

-the first thought that comes to mind, is sad – very sad. something like this: ” my poor mother suffered a terrible life since she came to America, she dealt with abuse from family and others, and her focus then was me – yes it is toxic and has continued to be in adulthood – but she relies on that so much to the point she cried a month ago when I left.” how could I hurt her like this.

then my mind goes here: yes shes abusive, but shes damaged – so cutting off contact from her leads to more damage to her. yes but it’s not my job to endure abuse for her sake…

she lives for this – she has her own life now yes, she travels, and is not a dependent disabled person – but the idea of losing her daughter is crippling to her…to the point that when she felt she was “losing me” even over the last year bc of her delusions related to my in laws – she was besides herself.

I do not expect her to understand at all what she has done to me and her sister.  she does not have the capacity and she is ill and insane.  so trying to explain it and hoping she will change is not an option. in fact, as she gets older she has gotten worse – and I’m sure will continue into elderly age as both the brain and body deteriorate.  so no contact would be for me – no explanation would justify it to her. 

she would likely get our whole extended family involved, maybe even end up hospitalized due to deep despair, hysteria, and psychosis related to the idea of “losing me”

so where does that leave me…?

Do you think or feel that your current interactions with your mother are hindering your desired progress, your aim to feel your repressed feelings?

to be honest, even if she was away from this world (dead, gone who knows lets take that aside) this feeling of repressed feelings would be extremely difficult, that combined with old waves of guilt etc.

And do you think it is possible for you to heal while in contact with her?

good question, as above, i think the answer is this. considering that like you said no contact is likely not the route things will go – then the answer has a lot to do with: within me, how much do i let her get to me now, how much do i believe the things she says, how much do i communicate with her. how much do i focus on her versus my own life/husband.  these days over the last 4 months i have been able to shift gears towards my own life and husband – and seen reality.  but for sure there is a long long road ahead.

if the contact continues the way that it is – will i someday slowly feel the repressed feelings in the way i want to? truly FEEL them, and not just have them as a passing thought or something.  will i be able to focus on them, and not have my mind go to the peripheral person (such as above) so that i don’t tend to focus on the heavy issue at hand.  i do hope so, with distance, practice, time, and the guidance of supportive individuals.

Dear Anita.

I see see that without realizing I was repressing and freezing as a child unknowingly as a coping mechanism so I continue to do now as an adult as my mind and body don’t know it is time to un-numb and heal.

As an aside. I find that not only do I not feel the gravity of the situation at hand (such as lashing out at a fiancé that was unwarranted- or having a terrible fight with mom the night before). But I wake up after an evening like that and have fixation and rumination about peripheral issues.

For examples sake. Say yesterday I was impatient and short and negative with my husband because my mom had a terrible accusatory conversation with me and I projected onto him.  I go to sleep realizing yes it was wrong for me to act that way but not feeling sad or remorseful. Just “knowing” in my brain. I then wake up the next morning feeling tense. But NOT ABOUT the issue at hand. I for example am rumination and fixated on:

oh so and so hasn’t gotten back to me about this weekend, that’s weird, is it something I did. Nope probably not- hmm well why is she being so inconsistent. Gosh that’s weird

an example of something that would literally TAKE over my mind the whole morning. As though nothing big happened the night before. My mind focuses on that and almost “forgets” the issue from the night before. Aware it happened sure, but no feeling about it. Just constant focus and rumination about this “thing” at hand (such as above about a friend or something like that)

i will elaborate on what else you said about contact with my mom in a moment.  I just wanted to get your take on the above

Good morning Anita,

I have let the words that we spoke about sink in for the last week. As you know, there are ebbs and flows. The last few days have been particularly more centered and positive, I have woken up with more of a feeling of understanding of why I am feeling certain ways. Versus confusion and frustration as above. I am now starting to get what a long lifetime journey this will be and of course that will only seep in overtime.

I did read some of my sisters post about treating others abusively or negatively when you are hurting in your own self or struggling within.  My sister is right in that I did not treat my current husband very positively many times over the last four years. I can’t say that the timing is like clockwork in that as soon as my parents met him everything was negative and before they were involved everything was perfect. Because as you alluded to, my mother‘s voice is in my head and ruling my life so with or without their physical presence I have been affected, tortured, and have had self suffering. Even when I didn’t know.    Looking back I see many patterns of me having internal distress and projecting onto him. It could be something such as feeling that everyone else is happy and why am I feeling not so happy and so targeting it out at the first person in front of me which was him. Then there are many examples of things that are more specific, my parents telling me that there are many men out there that have certain qualities and those are great qualities, and then looking at the person in front of me and convincing myself that since he may not have one or two or some of these qualities that he is not as good. In reality, my first example is the more harmful one because it came out of nowhere for both him and me. It was as though there were these ebbs and flows of terrible emotions in me and I would lash out for no rhyme or reason. Things could be great for a month or so and then I would be sinking into a terrible feeling and then just act like a monster.Back then I had no understanding at all of everything that we have spoken about. I truly was applying to any abuse that my parents did, I thought that just like any parents there was going to be good and bad. I really had no idea how much self suffering was brought on by the mother voice

The thing is, when I look back at some of those things now I am astonished.  However, it doesn’t truly hit me. I am not sure how to explain it but I almost want to feel that i superficially  think wow how could I treat someone so bad like this in the past I feel like I should be so sad and upset with myself over this. I want to feel like this but instead of that there is empty space almost like a numbness.  Not because I don’t feel like what I did or all of the above is not true or valid it’s just that I can’t actually feel any remorse or sadness or kind of anything over it.

There was a time a few months ago that my husband had mentioned this, and said that it he found it strange. He said that if he was in the same shoes he would be so beyond himself for doing this to someone that it would really show. And with me it doesn’t show. This was after a lot of the terrible things that had happened so we were talking about this not into fighting way but more in a discovery -why doesn’t it show for me -what is going on in me that I can’t actually feel the above mentioned.

This feeling is also there when I think of certain things that my mother has done over the last year, the time period in which you know a lot about over the wedding planning year. In fact I was reading an old text message this week that was truly and utterly abusive–copy and paste it here you would say that this hits all the marks of emotional abuse, narcissism, etc. it doesn’t matter the terms.   When I read it once again I felt pretty astonished that this was real life, but similarly instead of feeling the sadness, tears, or even any sort of anger from at it was almost like nothing.

I have an intuitive sense that I am feeling this nothing sort of thing because a lot of this is still repressed. I don’t think I am actively repressing it out of embarrassment or ego, it is almost like it is stuck and fossilized deep In me under dust and rocks / it will take time to uncover. I also have this feeling that once I start truly feeling the feelings that would be associated with this, such as wow I can’t believe I could treat someone so terrible how could I do this I never want to do that again I feel so awful and terriblE.  Or with example of thinking about some of the truly terrible an atrocious things my parents have done/truly feel The strong emotion of whatever it may be/sad, mad, angry, anything  , I think that once I start actually feeling these things I will be able to release so much of the inner Repression. This is an intuitive feeling. I know I can’t force it I know it’s not one of those things where if I read an old angry letter long enough I’ll start crying and then release all of the emotions associated with it. I understand that this is just the beginning of my journey and for so long I truly did believe everything that they said, and I truly did feel that I was doing nothing wrong such as when I would act toxically towards my now husband because I felt like these were warranted thing since I was struggling so much inside.

I know that the ability to even write this out is starting to brush the surface because it is me starting to realize that a lot of the way I acted was wrong, and above all the root of that behavior. What is most important to me above all and everything is now finally after all these years understanding the route. Talking with people like yourself and realizing that almost everything goes back to that mother voice even if it at the time feels like it is just me feeling something.    . What are your thoughts on the above? Of course there is no guidebook and step-by-step on how to slowly start releasing all the above and seeing clearly and actually feeling things instead of feeling a sort of lapse.

Hello,

Thank you for your reply – I know you may not be able to answer all at once as I am putting a lot out there.  I do appreciate all of your wisdom as always.

This is a novel concept to me: “She was  looking for (temporary) relief from her distress. She  said  what she said to  feel better. That  is all.”

I have not thought of it this way prior.  This got me to think that perhaps my focus on the external prior to the internal is also a search for relief.  Perhaps it allows me a distraction from my internal unsettlement/distress..

“to the left is your mother pointing to wrongs. It  is your mother who is your problem.” I will try to wrap my brain around this today.  and also think about – if it is my mother who is the problem, what does that mean for me, the person I am right now…and forward.