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zee

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  • #151432
    zee
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    We get stuck in this mindset that we need to have things all perfectly lined up to be happy. But life is MESSY. You never know what is going to happen. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes terrible things happen, there’s no way to control every little detail. You could find the perfect husband and then the next day he gets hit by a car! You never know!

    I can very much empathize with how you feel. I don’t even have a boyfriend! I used to feel so sad and insecure about being single. I used to drive myself insane trying to make myself look thin and pretty and I’d go on dates with men with this fake bubbly persona put on so that they’d like me and agonize over every text they would send me and fall to pieces crying when they would eventually leave me because they could smell my desperation from ten miles away. I would feel worthless and ugly and I could not figure out why nothing was ever working out. My parents would express their pity for me and I’d spiral into despair wondering why I was so unlovable.

    It took a lot of introspective digging to understand the causes of my insecurities and eventually I came out the other side realizing that my need for external validation was a delusion and there is nobody in the world that can make me feel truly happy besides me.

    You need to find contentment with who you are as a person before you can be happy in a marriage. I would recommend you start spending some time alone. Explore some hobbies, read, meditate, get really comfortable with who you are. When you are comfortable being alone, you won’t be so bothered by what other people think of you. You won’t find yourself falling apart at other people’s weddings because you won’t be comparing yourself to them.

    Good luck!

    #151400
    zee
    Participant

    I kinda have the opposite situation, but I think it’s still relevant. I’m 25 and single and I used to agonize over what society dictates is the normal timeline of a person’s life. I just haven’t found the right relationship and trying to force something that isn’t right just to fit yourself into a box feels awful. Recently, I tried maintaining a relationship with a person I didn’t actually like that much because I felt like I had to settle down and quickly realized that I wasn’t doing myself a favor. It just became more painful.

    I’ve recently adopted the attitude of not worrying about what people think (not just for my lack of relationships, but for everything) and noticed a huge shift in EVERYTHING. Before I do something or say something I’ll ask myself if I’m doing it for ME or to impress/please someone else and honestly I’ve been SO much happier. I’ve been a people-pleaser my whole entire life. I’ve bent over backwards and made myself miserable and broke so many times just to conform to what someone else wants. I realized I am going to regret my entire life if I keep ignoring my own happiness. I also realized that I don’t owe anyone an explanation about anything that I do at all. I am a good, kind person and if I am not hurting anyone, who’s business is it if I do what I want to do?

    I realized that the need for societal approval, at least for me, came from a lack of self worth. Relying on approval to feel good about yourself is a quick way to become miserable because literally no matter what you do, people would disapprove of you. You could cure cancer and there would be somebody criticizing you. Once I realized this, everything changed. I rely on my own morals and ambitions to guide me. I can focus on what I actually want to do. I can try new things without the fear of “failure” because I realized that it’s not a failure if I don’t see it that way.

    Maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you’re needing the approval of others so badly and instead give yourself your own approval!

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