To everyone who replied to this; thank you very much for sharing your insights.

I know it’s been a really long time since I posted this topic. And I wish I could say that after all this time, I found the solution to all my issues. Sadly, I haven’t. At the time I posted this, many things happened so I couldn’t reply anymore.

A few days after my last reply,  my mother forced me to go to a job interview at a place I didn’t want to work at. She guilt-tripped me again and I attended the interview. I was accepted and I sadly went to work. My mother was ecstatic, but I was suffering.  What I experienced was extreme bullying/harassment from my superior and my other coworkers. I had told my mother during my second week about the bullying, she didn’t believe me. She accused me of being “lazy” and “spoiled”. So I grit my teeth and endured the work. The time I spent there, I experienced panic attacks and had nervous breakdowns. I was able to quit after five months. But I now have anxiety and a form of ptsd. I can’t breathe just thinking about that place or seeing the building where I used to work. I had a coworker who experienced it much worse, he now works at another office and has received worker’s compensation for psychological therapy. Recently, a person from the human resources department contacted me about the issue. Apparently, the HR person had found out about years of mistreatment that workplace had done to different individuals. The HR person wanted to know the true reason I resigned. I told the truth and the HR person said they would find a way to give me worker’s compensation as well. So in the near future, I may be able to receive psychological therapy.

As for my mother, I finally sat down and talked to her (along with my father). I told her the truth about everything I experienced, what I was feeling, and what I may do in the future. It was an honest conversation. The first ever real conversation I ever had with my parents. And  I honestly don’t know if they really understood what I said. They said that they did, but I don’t believe anyone can change their mindset drastically with just one conversation.

Right now, I’m trying to take control of my life again but I’m having a very difficult time. I know I made plans but I’m terrified. I’m trying to study but I can’t focus. I constantly feel an emptiness inside of me and when I think of my future, I think “what’s the point?”.  I’m now too afraid to work again, constantly nervous around others, and I’m trying to understand what I’m studying but I don’t. I know that I have to take action by myself, for myself in order for me to achieve some sort of success. But I’m trying and I just don’t feel like I’m doing enough. My thoughts have turned to suicide again. And I know my biggest enemy right now is myself. And I’m scared that with each day passing by, I’m going to do something irreversible. That I’m actually going to go through with it this time. I actually know which artery to target and I know how to make a poison that would do it in just a minute.

I honestly don’t know anymore. I’m so confused. I can’t move away because I don’t have money. I’m not sure I could do the plans I made because I don’t understand what I’m studying. I’m slowly hating myself again because I know I’m being stupid, selfish, spoiled, and lazy for being this way. I don’t even know why I’m typing all of this here. You all have issues of your own, maybe even worse than mine and you guys can overcome it and live with it. Why can’t I do the same? Why am I such a coward?

I’m sorry, this turned really negative in the end 🙁

Hi anita,

thanks again for your insight.

i was once told that anger is like poison and that hatred is like a festering wound.

I never thought this would happen to me to be honest. No one ever really guided me when it came to expressing my emotions. The common mantra I always heard was to ignore it, keep it to myself. That anger itself was a horrible emotion.

when I was bullied during middle school, my family didn’t take me seriously they simply told me to ignore the bullies. The same words were spoken by my teacher and by my one friend.

i see now that I shouldn’t have kept the anger inside of me. I just wish my younger self had that someone to confide in.

My mother, is a complex woman in my eyes. To other people she is very kind and generous. She is the type of woman who puts her family before herself. (And by family, I mean her brothers and sisters.) But to me she is not as genuine as she seems. She can be extremely controlling. She constantly guilt-trips me and my sibling to do whatever she wants. But this controlling aspect of her is so subtle, I sometimes can’t tell if it’s wrong or right.

Despite it all, I am grateful to her for providing my (and my sibling’s) basic needs and a proper education. She never beat me up but she’s hurt me mentally and emotionally several times. I don’t know for sure if that would still be classed as mistreatment. But, throughout my young life she never paid attention to what I had to say. Any opinion I ever formed was me “talking back” to her, me being rebellious or me being disrespectful.

Any problem I ever had would fall on deaf ears. Every time, her eyes would glaze over and she would always tell me to just ignore it, that I’ll figure it out eventually on my own. Eventually, I just stopped telling her my opinions, my problems and what I truly feel.

Right now, she keeps trying to tell me she’s changed. That she’ll focus more on me and my sibling. That she should’ve let us decide what to do with our life, especially with our degrees. But it’s hard for me to believe her because she’s saying all this after getting what she wanted for us. “It’s too late” my sibling had told her. And it really is, the damage is done.

Whatever she is saying right now, I think my mother is still the same.

if I move to a place far away from her, would that resolve my anger?

im really not sure what to do.

Hi anita,

thank you for your insight.

It took me a while to reply because I was contemplating your words.

I see my anger in a different perspective now…it kind of makes sense how humans can’t just not feel. The way I express my anger, I realize, is erratic and toxic. It bubbles up inside me and I have no idea how to control it or what appropriate way to release it. Before I know it, I’ve said spiteful words or I’ve literally pushed someone away.

it’s horrible.

Would you happen to know any effective methods of expressing anger appropriately?

Also, If it’s not too much to ask, may I hear your thoughts about hatred and how it grows within human beings?

Thank you so much and I look forward to your reply.