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Please Help: I don't feel or act like a good person anymore

HomeForumsEmotional MasteryPlease Help: I don't feel or act like a good person anymore

This topic contains 13 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days ago.

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #180563

    Jo
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I just signed up here because I was hoping to get some much needed advice.

    The past few months, I’ve been having a ton of tantrums. Also, my hatred for others is on the rise especially towards my relatives. Two days ago my older sister had told me point-blank that I was really mean.

    I feel so crappy and I don’t feel like a good person anymore.

    Back then, I was always so patient. I had a lot of life in me and no matter how much people were mean to me I would just ignore it (to the point where my friends would tell me to not be a pushover and to tell people off sometimes). I was such a good person, that my class nominated me for May Queen.

    Another thing to note is that I’m Catholic, I used to feel so spiritually sound. I prayed a lot and I felt those prayers reverberate in my heart especially when I prayed for my enemies.

    During my preteen years, I even forgave my bullies by sending them an email that was along the lines of “I forgive you because maybe you have your own issues to deal with and maybe you were just taking it out on me.” I had always had that sense of ‘be the better man’ in all cases.

    Yet now, at 22. I am so full of hate. When people are mean to me or annoy me I just get so angry and I curse at them in my head or if we’re close enough I snap at them. I discontinued my FB account and I haven’t replied to any of my friends emails. The last message I sent to my closest friend was “You don’t deserve to deal with a crappy friend like me.” I especially have come to hate my family. Especially my mother’s side.

    Just seeing them or hearing their voice makes me want to shut my eyes and blast music through my headphones. I hate talking to them and I hate hearing about what their doing.

    I’ve lashed out several times at my older sister and my mom. They’ve cried numerous times this year because of me.

    And right now, I can’t feel my faith within in my heart anymore. I’ve stopped praying and even when I try to pray, I just feel so empty.

    There’s so many things I want to say but that’s the gist of it.

    Can anybody help me? Please?

    how do I stop this hatred? How do I stop being mean? Is there any effective way to control my anger? Is this spiritual emptiness normal?

    For any response at all I’ll be forever grateful??

     

     

     

    #180597

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jo:

    It is not natural or possible to not feel anger. We are born to feel angry when hurt, when threatened, ,mistreated.

    We can’t cancel our inborn nature by being spiritual or religious. No religion can cancel our inborn nature. Spiritual and religious concepts and practices, such as prayer, can relieve us from out anger temporarily, but not for long.

    If you don’t believe humans are animals, if you don’t believe in evolution, fine, but consider all that we have in common with other animals, particularly the group of mammals we belong to: females having  mammary glands, having hair (not feathers as in birds or scales as in fish), having to eat, like all other animals, going to the bathrooms, like all other animals.

    And like other animals, we  too feel angry when hurt, or mistreated, threatened. No difference.

    And so, unlike some teachings, we humans are not bad for feeling anger.

    How we humans express that anger is something to attend to, to not mistreat others. The expression of our anger, not the feeling of it, is an indication of a good person or not a good person (your concern).

    I hope you reply to my post with your thoughts and feelings. If you do, I will reply again.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  anita.
    #180641

    Peter
    Participant

    Experiencing Spiritual emptiness at times is normal. As for these intense emotions your feeling it sounds like you’re in a transition stage and have lost connection with your sense of self. During a transition it is also ‘normal’ to feel lost and irritated, and being lost and irritated lashing out.

    If this is a time of transition is it possible that your experiencing expressed (and or unexpressed) expectations from family, friends, society… to be, think and act in a way that isn’t authentic to you. That could explain the anger and ‘hatred’ especially if you’re not sure about the path you want to follow. That anger and hate could be a projection onto others about how you feel about yourself.

    A professional therapist could help you sort out your thinking and emotions as well as teach to techniques for dealing with anger and the like.

     

    #181019

    Jo
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    thank you for your insight.

    It took me a while to reply because I was contemplating your words.

    I see my anger in a different perspective now…it kind of makes sense how humans can’t just not feel. The way I express my anger, I realize, is erratic and toxic. It bubbles up inside me and I have no idea how to control it or what appropriate way to release it. Before I know it, I’ve said spiteful words or I’ve literally pushed someone away.

    it’s horrible.

    Would you happen to know any effective methods of expressing anger appropriately?

    Also, If it’s not too much to ask, may I hear your thoughts about hatred and how it grows within human beings?

     

    Thank you so much and I look forward to your reply.

     

    #181021

    Jo
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Thank you for your thoughts.

    I didnt realize That I could possibly be going through a “transition phase”.

    Does everyone really go through this?

    It’s very hard.

    To be honest, ever since I was young. Around the age of 8, my mother and everyone around me had constantly praised me for being the “golden child”.

    I had, especially,  always met my mother’s expectations.( Right now, I think the “golden” bit of my youth is an exaggeration but having an older sibling who wasn’t very attuned to studying, I suppose, made my mother focus entirely on me when it came to academics.)

    I remember when I was 12, I had fallen in rank. When my mother found out she was furious with me. She yelled at me the whole 30 min ride home (“what is wrong with you?” “Are you really as idiotic as your sibling?” and other expletives in her native tongue)

    Eventually, She decided what high school I went to, what college and what course.

    i tried to rebel but, I could never follow through. She’s got anxiety and other health issues and my father isn’t the kindest man to her.

    I want to meet a therapist, but where I live we have no therapists. And even if there were, my family & people here in general have a stigma about meeting a therapist.

    I really don’t know what to do.

    You don’t have to answer if your not comfortable, but have you ever experienced “transition phases” or having anger/hatred towards others?

    I’m sorry for this long reply.

    Thank you again for your insight, I truly appreciate it.

     

    #181043

    anita
    Participant

    Dear  Jo:

    You are welcome. Regarding hate: hate is a lot  of anger, anger  over time that was  not  expressed or resolved. In your original post you wrote: “No matter how much people were mean to me I would just ignore it”. Every time people were mean to you, you felt angry but ignored it. But the anger did not ignore you, so it build up, over time, with more and more mistreatments, into hate.

    You wrote in your original post that you used to pray for your enemies. Thing about praying for your enemies is that if done, needs to be done only once you are safe from those enemies, once you are protected, not available for them to  hurt you anymore.

    As long as you are mistreated by someone, and  you have that someone  in your life, mistreating you occasionally, you cannot resolve your anger.

    You described your mother mistreating you, hurting you when you were twelve. That  was not the only incident when she exploded at you with anger, was it? Does she still?

    anita

    #181045

    anita
    Participant

    * double submission…

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #181035

    Chris
    Participant

    Hi Folks,

    I read your story Jo, because I have been experiencing the same thing. After years of self improvement workshops, classes, seminars, meditating, it blows my mind that I experience this stuff all to often.

    I’ve been told that, as I ‘cleanse my spirit’ so to speak, these things surface. It’s challenging to remain calm when you’re in the middle of the storm. To put it in Christian terms, this may be God’s way of tempering our heart. It’s a challenge also to display our compassion to others in these situations. It takes great forbearance / tolerance to do this and this is a way to build our virtue.

    It’s not easy.

    #181275

    Jo
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    thanks again for your insight.

    i was once told that anger is like poison and that hatred is like a festering wound.

    I never thought this would happen to me to be honest. No one ever really guided me when it came to expressing my emotions. The common mantra I always heard was to ignore it, keep it to myself. That anger itself was a horrible emotion.

    when I was bullied during middle school, my family didn’t take me seriously they simply told me to ignore the bullies. The same words were spoken by my teacher and by my one friend.

    i see now that I shouldn’t have kept the anger inside of me. I just wish my younger self had that someone to confide in.

    My mother, is a complex woman in my eyes. To other people she is very kind and generous. She is the type of woman who puts her family before herself. (And by family, I mean her brothers and sisters.) But to me she is not as genuine as she seems. She can be extremely controlling. She constantly guilt-trips me and my sibling to do whatever she wants. But this controlling aspect of her is so subtle, I sometimes can’t tell if it’s wrong or right.

    Despite it all, I am grateful to her for providing my (and my sibling’s) basic needs and a proper education. She never beat me up but she’s hurt me mentally and emotionally several times. I don’t know for sure if that would still be classed as mistreatment. But, throughout my young life she never paid attention to what I had to say. Any opinion I ever formed was me “talking back” to her, me being rebellious or me being disrespectful.

    Any problem I ever had would fall on deaf ears. Every time, her eyes would glaze over and she would always tell me to just ignore it, that I’ll figure it out eventually on my own. Eventually, I just stopped telling her my opinions, my problems and what I truly feel.

    Right now, she keeps trying to tell me she’s changed. That she’ll focus more on me and my sibling. That she should’ve let us decide what to do with our life, especially with our degrees. But it’s hard for me to believe her because she’s saying all this after getting what she wanted for us. “It’s too late” my sibling had told her. And it really is, the damage is done.

    Whatever she is saying right now, I think my mother is still the same.

    if I move to a place far away from her, would that resolve my anger?

    im really not sure what to do.

     

    #181277

    Jo
    Participant

    Hi Chris,

    thank you for your insight. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only person experiencing this.

    Yes, it’s really hard for me right now. This storm I’m under feels like a hurricane at times.

    This might be a test from God, maybe I’m not mature enough. Maybe I’m not strong enough and this is His way of strengthening me or slowing my anger.

    This kind of reminds me of Job’s story in the Bible.

     

     

    #181281

    Anonymous

    I think we all need to purge our evil intentions and cleanse our spirits and take a month to do it. for all of you who young under 50 I would suggest going to a place where you can retreat and not be bothered (preferably Italy or the Himalayas), I would go for Month if I could and I am 70 let’s all stop worrying about our futures for a while and rest..The world will still be there when we get back

    #181283

    Anonymous

    I think sometimes extreme emotions need an extreme solution many of the spas I have visited online are pricey but hey if it means you live a good life or a rotten life, I think it’s worth I wish I had done it when I was 30, I may still find one and go

    #181293

    Peter
    Participant

    “This grand show is eternal. It is always sunrise somewhere; the dew is never all dried at once; a shower is forever falling; vapor is ever rising. Eternal sunrise, eternal sunset, eternal dawn and gloaming, on sea and continents and islands, each in its turn, as the round earth rolls.”—Joh n Muir

    Spring turns to Summer, Summer turns to Fall, Fall turns to Winter, Winter turns to Spring. Life is a cycle of constant change, death (as in letting go) and rebirth.

    Physiologically the key moments of transition happen as we mature: 1. Infancy: 2. Early childhood: 3. Middle childhood: 4. Late childhood: 5. Adolescence: 6. Early adulthood: 7. Mature adulthood: 8. Old age:

    When we enter into the transition of early adulthood we are confronted with what we were taught – school, societal expectations, family traditions, expectations, labels… and our own experience of life. The task here is to make what we believe our own. More often then not we start this task unconsciously which is why we might lash out at others.

    We want to belong and we want to become our authentic self. The tension we experience as we take ownership of our thinking and feeling can be experienced as threatening to those that love us as well as ourselves. If we think and want different things then, what we might think, our family wants of us do we still belong, will we still be loved. In this uncertainty we lash out, angry not just at others but mostly at ourselves which we project onto others.  It can be a very confusing time

    Making the process of the transitions of life conscious we can respond to the uncertainties instead of react to them. This is where the practice of meditation comes in handy. When we own our thoughts and emotions there is no need to lash out

    There is no shame in seeking out professional to help you untangle your thoughts and emotions. If there is no one in your area there are plenty of helpful books.  You may find the work of Clarissa Pinkola Estés helpful – ‘Women Who Run With the Wolves (If your open to the idea of symbolic language and story) Or David Ricco – How to be an Adult (everyone should read that book)

    #181339

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jo:

    Your mother ignored you, accused you of talking back to her/rebelling/being disrespectful for having a sincere, independent opinion, guilt tripped you- these are all mistreatments. There are all kinds of mistreatments, all kinds of aggressions, and they all hurt.

    You asked, if you move far away from her, will it resolve your anger-

    It will be the beginning of such resolution. If and when you move physically away, you may feel great at first, a sense of freedom, but likely distress will return, maybe that guilt she inflicted on you.

    Guilt, as unjustified as it is in your case, is the block in the effort to release that anger.

    It is healthy to assert oneself, to move away from an abusive/ mistreating and/ or untrustworthy parent, only when you do, you may have to attend quality psychotherapy or otherwise engage in healthy friendships and relationships with others.

    And again: anger is not a bad emotion. The valid message in anger is that we are experiencing hurt/ pain and need to remove the source of pain from our lives. Remove the source of pain. The anger will quiet down once we do so. If we keep the source of pain in our lives and try to remove the anger… well, that does not and cannot work long term.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days ago by  anita.
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