June 29, 2018 at 4:24 am #214679
Welcome back to your thread, glad you posted again.
You wrote last year about when you were 12, your mother yelled at you: “‘what is wrong with you?’ Are you really as idiotic as your sibling?’ and other expletives”
Recently, this year, “She accused me of being ‘lazy’ and ‘spoiled'”
Later in your recent post, you wrote: “I know I’m being stupid, selfish, spoiled, and lazy”.
You are not these things: idiotic, lazy, spoiled, selfish. You were told that you are these things but you are not. If you were these things, you wouldn’t be troubled by being these things. The reason you are so troubled and distressed by these things is because they are not true to you.
Children believe their parents, being incapable as children to evaluate what their parents say. When what a parent says to the child is not true, it distresses the child, he gets angry. But he believes those things. Core beliefs are formed this way and stay with us into adulthood.
You wrote: “You all have issues of your own, maybe even worse than mine”- what I found out in life is that there is no ongoing emotional pain greater than believing bad things about oneself, things that are not true. And so, no wonder you are in pain.
I hope you get that compensation you mentioned and that you move away from your mother and the rest of your family as soon as possible. Once away, you will have the chance to start the process of your healing. A big part of your healing will be about examining your core beliefs, evaluating them and arriving at true-to-reality beliefs.
Please do post again, anytime.
anitaAugust 12, 2018 at 9:13 am #221205
I stumbled across your blog post and immediately felt a tugging in my heart – it may be because your story so strikingly resembled mine. I would first of all like to say, I am very sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time, but please do not take your life. Just because times are negative now does not mean that it will be dark forever – every life has seasons (winter, summer, spring and fall) Your Winter WILL turn into a glorious spring if you faint not. Because your former post explained you were Christian I believe it is appropriate to add some Bible verses for encouragement. “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33). The Bible never promised us that this world would be easy, but it did promise us constant help through dark times. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” (Isaiah 43:2). In this verse we see that God never promises that we will not go through the fire, waters and trials of this life, but what did he promise?: That he would be with us through those testing times. Jo, even in this dark night you are facing rest on Jesus to be your light, he is closer to you than you think. ” The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) I feel like I am meant to talk to you today. I feel like you need to hear this: Hun, if you can hang on through this dark time you will make it through, you’ve got to fight. You will have hope and a future and no eye has seen or ear has heard what was prepared for you before the foundation of the world. It amazes me how it is always the strongest and sweetest souls that fight the hardest battles and you know why – because you’ve got potential, fire and light. Do the spiritual warfare (through prayer), if you are unsure of what that is please look it up. It is alright to feel anger sometimes, everyone has anger in their lives – however it is what we do with that anger that may destroy us and those around us. “Be angry, yet do not sin.” Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold<span class=”reftext”>” (Ephesians 4:27) The Bible itself says we can be angry! But what do we do with this anger? Does it cause us to sin (lash out, hurt others). If yes, then we must find a way to deal with our anger in a healthy way (we all struggle with this). What you can do it write down your feelings, talk to others (usually when you’ve had time to cool down), listen to calming music or even take your pain and anger to Jesus. </span>
I was a college student who suffered from major depression and anxiety issues. My GPA was a 2.0. I dropped out of college and was in so much debt I could not return to school. I was bullied at my school and my mom was so angry that I couldn’t return that, that night my mom said she would kick me out of the house. In a period of a few months I lost everything and I was angry at myself, at God and at everyone. It got so bad I would have panic attacks constantly and one day I decided I wanted to take my life – but I was too scared. I grew up in a Christian home and I did not want to go to Hell for taking my own life (that was the only thing that saved me that night). Jo, I was so angry that I couldn’t kill myself and so upset with God I yelled out before I went to sleep that night “God, just kill me! My life is useless. I am too afraid to do it by myself – so just answer this one prayer, I want you to kill me, please.” I went to sleep and you know what Jo – I woke up the next morning and when I realized God did not kill me I began to sob so heavily. I touched my heart and it was still beating and I realized if God didn’t kill me then maybe he kept me here because I am not worthless. The days got harder. I went through many other obstacles (my mother is extremely religious and can be negative). Everything seemed to be getting worse before it got better. Then one day after breaking down on the street I decided – God, I am done fighting. I give you control.
Flash Forward: I went back to school (the way it all happened was nothing short of miraculous). A week before I returned to college my grandmother past away, I held on to Jesus. As I kept on going I began hearing the voice of God like never before (short, quick sentences that came exactly when I needed them). I held on. My GPA raised from a 2.0 to a 3.1, and I began battling my fears and anxiety with the scriptures. I held on. I received divine help and guidance (which to this day shakes my soul). Now, I recently graduated from University and I am a fully certified 7-12 teacher in NYC. I have done missionary work, served in homeless shelters, teach children and minister to others. Joe if I had taken my life that night what would have happened? I would have never gotten to see what I have now, or helped others. It is the same with you Jo – if you stop now you will never know how bright and beautiful your light can and will become. Press on girl, press on.
Jo, I will be praying for you. Plead the blood of Jesus over your mind, your studies, your body and everything concerning you. I know you can do this Jo, this is not the end it is just the beginning and oh boy – I can’t wait to see what you will do.
If you need additional help shoot me a text: 929-278-0992. Be at peace sister <3 <3April 26, 2019 at 12:20 pm #291421
A Google search on this topic led me to your post and immediately resonated with me. I wish I had an answer or the right words to help but I don’t. However, your post did help me. It helped by knowing that we are not alone.
My Google search was, “I don’t feel like a good person anymore”. I used to be full of life and enjoyed being with family and friends but now feel I’ve gotten bitter and judgmental about everything. Like you, I’ve had things happen recently that didn’t meet my expectations, leaving me disappointed. Compound those situations over a couple of years and it gets where everyday is a struggle.
As simple-minded as it is, watching meaningful movies helps me when I’m in a bad head-space. Cast Away (Tom Hanks) is the one that has a good message and helps me work through things when I feel things are hopeless. I feel that some of the things his character went through is a metaphor of my life. “Everything’s perfect –> Catastrophe –> Alone –> Lost Hope –> Saved –> Knows what he needs to do to move forward although it didn’t happen as planned.”
One of the best quotes to me is in his monologue about coming home and finding his fiancee has moved after believing he was dead. “And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?”
I don’t have the answers but reading your post made me feel. I hope this helps you as well. Keep breathing. Who knows what the tide could bring?December 24, 2019 at 7:04 am #329165
Hey everyone, just wanted to check in and see if anyone’s found a solution?
I find meditation (mindfulness) helps deal with the emotional pain, but it doesn’t “take it away” – i.e. the issues are still there, it just doesn’t hurt as much. In my experience when I felt like a good person, I was hopeful – happy – I actually felt good. Now, I have TONS of external (and internal) issues and frankly not much hope that it will get better. I feel trapped.
I think a lot of our feelings – or at least mine – stems from being in extreme pain due to personal circumstances and then there seems like no hope of being able to escape it.
I have found hope ( and obviously a pain-free life) makes all the difference.
The question is when everything – life at the time – is painful, and there seems like no hope, how do you continue to be a good person – to feel like a good person? It’s the best goal you can have – to be a good person.
I think the pain, the hopelessness, the other things, numb us. I think the word I was looking for was “inspired”. I was inspired to be a great person. Now, I’m beat up by life and, simply put, it feels like I can’t feel anything good. Any time I feel good even for a second, some evil comes and ruins it. I’m trying to do the right thing – but I feel impulsive. I feel like I need to avoid the pain. I think it’s the constant fight-or-flight reaction.
Even if I told you what the cause of your pain was – I said “[this] is the cause of your pain” – if you can’t fix it what good would it do knowing? The goal is to feel relaxed and inspired, but it’s completely natural to feel awful in an awful situation. But that doesn’t help – we want to feel good – feel and act like good people no matter the situation.
Let me give you an extreme example. Kidnapping victims. Someone who has been taken hostage and held for days – weeks – isn’t going to have bubbly feelings inside. They’re going to feel threatened, the FoF response is going to kick in, and since they can’t easily escape their situation (running will get them shot), they freeze or fawn. They may feel on edge, or numb, or anything else. It’s not unexpected that they won’t feel inspired. For me, if I were in that situation – which of course I would never wish that on myself or anyone else – I woudn’t want the threat over my head to affect how I behave. I want to be in control. I would of course be terrified, but I don’t want my circumstances to dictate my behaviour, I want to recognize my circumstances, determine what the right thing to do is, and do it. So I guess the goal is control. But even then it gets tiring because in addition to fighting the threat, your fighting yourself. Maybe limit your resources to doing the right thing?
We’re wired to get away from pain – which is great – but the issues of today are not like the issues of the beginning of human time. Back then, you saw a lion – you ran. Today, the lion is everywhere. You can’t just run the other way to escape it. So what do we do? We can’t evolve. The escape for the lion is far more complex than running – and isn’t instant. So we live in a constant state of FoF – which causes a lot of the feelings you described.
Fortunately, nature gave us an opposite of FoF – the relaxation response. Like I said at the beginning, I don’t know what the solution is – I’m just sharing my knowledge and experience so someone can combine theirs and find the solution.
All the best to all of you.December 27, 2019 at 7:45 am #329711
Hi. I just stumbled upon this post and reading this eased me since I’m relieved that I wasn’t the only one who had experienced this.
When I was a child, I was always told to be better than my siblings, to aim better. To live better. To not do stupid things like my siblings or my father. I live with my mother since she and my father have been divorced since I was 5.
Due to my siblings’ poor life choices. I am forced to be better. Forced is a strong word but my mother is very subtle. She would often guilt trip me if I don’t follow what she wants. Example “I’m the only person I could hope on while the rest of your siblings are hopeless.” She would watch everything I do. She would ignore my need to be heard and say that I complained too much or I’m just overly sensitive. My opinions never matter. Even if I’m sad, I’m doewn, in need of emotional support. She would blame me and point every wrong things that I do that sometimes doesn’t relate back to what I’m feeling. She never admit her fault. It’s always mine. Never even apologized if she said something that will scar me mentally forever because “A parent should never apologize to a their child.” Mentality
She all say that it is tough love.
I’ve lived with her for so long, influenced by her for so long that even if my siblings were telling me what she did to me was wrong. I cannot for the life of me go away.
My decisions have been controlled. I barely can’t go out with friends unless she knows them up close. And as years go by. I became from this tolerant, patient child to a bitter arsehole who doesn’t want to do anything with their family.
I get so easily angered by listening to them. Even if they are right. I refused to listen. I refused to care but I have to do it either way. Begrudgingly. But inside I’m fuming and it keeps growing.
I am a muslim. I tried to pray. I keep my faith but like Jo. I felt spiritually numbed. Day by day I’m getting sad and more mean than ever. Nothing sits well for me. Nothing feels right anymore. II’ve been told again and again I have lost myself, my ways. Maybe I am? Because I don’t know what to do with this pent up anger. Throwing it in the internet is easier because I’m not physically there but it’s hard to muster up and tell someone in real life because they’re physically there to judge you. I want to be that nice kid again. But I don’t know how. I’m slowly losing my mind over this and I can’t get away.
Would it really make it better if I were to one day leave the place once I can? Would everything calm down? I’m very very afraid to have my mom curse my life if I don’t do what she wants even if she says she’s letting me do what I want but I digress… I just don’t want to lose a mother’s blessings but I’m suffering mentally… I don’t know what to do. I’m 20 coming to 21…January 13, 2020 at 6:08 pm #333277
If you can get out, get out. Being in a bad situation is never good. That’s why they call it a bad situation. It affects everything around you.
For those of us who can’t get out (maybe I should stop saying can’t), the question is how do we…what? Cope? I guess that’s the word.
Since writing here I’ve realized that I’m looking for a way to numb/take away/escape the pain. It hurts. I tried meditation when the pain was really strong and it still hurt. I don’t know.