Awesome, Lilla! Your instincts are very good, and I so agree. Rebuilding yourself is your focus now and from where I sit, you are doing great! A big hug to you.

Love,
Cat dancing

Dear Sandy. Wow, there is a lot going on here. I don’t have any sage advice but would like to make some observations in hopes that you won’t feel so alone and hopeless.

Maybe you can narrow your list of things you think you need to fix down to one or two things. Simple things; i.e. if saving money is something important to you, get a cookie jar or something and make a rule that you must put $5 in it per day (or every other day, or once a week) or some other amount that is actually do-able. I have done this before (when I quit smoking I put the dough in a jar) and it surprised me how much it added up. When you see the dollars growing in that jar you will feel a sense of accomplishment because you are meeting one of your goals.

You don’t have to give up on school in order to survive. Perhaps you can talk to a counselor at the school you wish to go to and find out how you can manage one class at a time or something. Maybe you can go to community college where the costs are less, and take just one class per semester? I know it’s not easy as I have done the same. I am returning to school in the spring after a long hiatus. I work full time and am on my own with financial issues, etc., so I have decided that I will do what is managable and realistic and be patient about it.

My beloved aunt (my mentor and spiritual advisor) sent me a quote from St. Francis of Assisi which I keep on my desk at work. It says “First start with doing what is necessary; then what is possible, and, suddenly you are doing the impossible…” I find this to be very true. Start with what is necessary (saving $5 a week) and then what is possible (paying for a class with that money) and suddenly you are doing what you thought was impossible!

Go easy on yourself. YOu are young and there is a lot of life in front of you. Remember that life is a gift. While you accomplish one of your goals, you can also maybe make a gratitude list or start a gratitude journal. This was a real game-changer for me when I was in the midst of deep, dark hell. My life was such a “disaster” that the only rule I made for the gratitude journal was that I had to write just one thing in it per day. Just one thing! I started out with things like: I am grateful for my cat. My sister. A hot shower, etc. Some days I repeated the same thing I wrote the day before. But then something amazing happened. One thing became three, which became five, which became 10…it seemed the more I found to be grateful for, the more blessings entered into my life. It truly is an amazing, amazing thing and very uplifting too. It changed my mood and thought process from negative to positive…and you know what? That’s all you really have to do! The rest follows. It takes time, practice and conscious effort, but the payoff is very worth it.

I hope this has helped you some, Sandy. You are not alone. You will be okay. You are on the road to finding what fulfills you.

Sincerely,
cat dancing

Hi, Jen. I am grateful for your response and for your input and clarification.

I apologize if I made sweeping generalities about your relationship based on my own experiences. As for the triangulation thing, I can only speak of how it resonated with me in the situation I was in, which was a six year ordeal. When I first met the man, whom I refer to as the destroyer, he was married but separated. His wife was in another state and I was assured that they were on the way to divorce. I told him that I could not engage with a married man, and that I was not interested in a roll in the hay with a married man, much less anyone, and that didn’t bug him. He assured me that by a certain date, he would be divorced. In the meantime, he also treated me very well and did not pressure me for sex. He waited six months (yes, for me this was a ‘test’ because I did not want to have any regrets about having sex with someone who would soon disappear) and by then I was in love. The target divorce date came and went. And so did another year. And then another. And another. In the interim, we were together very often, he was constantly calling, texting, etc. etc. and convincing me that I was his “soulmate” and all of that. I believed him. Even when he blew me off time and again because he had to deal with “the crazy ex” who he also asserted was a narcissist. Turns out, he was PROJECTING. He is the disordered one. I now understand why she was “so crazy…” and regret that I believed him over her…anyhow, when they finally did get divorced, it was as if HE FELL APART! I couldn’t believe it! We were finally free to be out in the open (what you describe above, Jen, is not out in the open if you’re hiding from his wife, from social media, hiding HIS TRUTH from the world). I did that too for over four years, so when we could be open, it was foreign to him or something. He folded, for lack of better word, and began to pursue other women insisting they were “friends” (sound familiar with what your ex’s brother is telling you)…I was exceedingly insecure. He spewed all sorts of “pretty words” at me (he was the king of pretty words in FOUR LANGUAGES to boot), but finally I discovered that pretty words are a dime a dozen, it’s the ACTIONS that tell you what’s going on and his actions, i.e. NOT BEING AVAILABLE told me the truth no matter what was spewing from his mouth. I became someone I hardly recognized (snooping, following, semi-stalking) because there was a HUGE QUESTIONMARK in my gut but I didn’t want to believe the truth so I plodded along. In fact, I amped it up so to speak. I tried even “harder” to “keep him” UGH (I cringe today thinking of this). As it turns out, he ditched me big time anyway. He was telling me all along by his actions but I refused to believe…it was easier for me to be in denial. He ended up vanishing. Changing his phone number and leaving the area. Poof. Gone. How’s that for a “soulmate” of six years?

Turns out he gave me a gift. I am almost four years out of that hell and my life is ten zillion times better than I ever thought it would be after he ditched me (and I was NOT a young woman) and way, way better than it’s ever been. Why? Because I began to heal myself inside. The entire ordeal (that I was willing to settle for a married, unavailable man) FORCED me to finally deal with the deep-seated childhood issues of not being “good enough” that I had dodged and stuffed my whole life. It was not easy work but way, way worth it. I have since had the blessing of finding an authentic, true, fun and believe it or not hot guy (even at my age) whom I have known now for more than two years who LIFTS ME UP rather than knocks me down and keeps me on eggshells, off kilter, uncertain, afraid…

This is just a glimpse of my story. I learned it later in life and was preyed upon by the destroyer at a vulnerable time. Like the person you describe, he had no intention of following through on anything…he just wanted to see how far I’d go…it was a semi-game to him. It was MY LIFE, to me. Tough lesson to learn in the fifth decade. But valuable beyond measure.

do what is in your heart, dear Jen. Remember that you have value, that you are unique and a gem, that you deserve to be treated well and valued! That you have a lot to offer and you are empathetic and understanding to a T. Remember that LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL PAIN and that a loving relationship LIFTS YOU UP, not brings you to your knees. Remember that you DESERVE a man who is available 100 percent…and that asking for that is NOT DEMANDING, it’s REALISTIC.

I apologize for being all over the map here. I do not like to see suffering at the hands of someone who may have never had the intention of following through on anything, of taking the “easy road” because he could…I hope there is some nugget of help here. I send you a huge hug. Do what’s in your heart. Listen to that little voice. Remember you don’t have to do anything at the moment…be still and listen to your gut and your heart. Remember to HONOR YOURSELF FIRST.

Love,
cat dancing

Oh dearest Jen! My heart aches for you. I am so sorry this happened to you. Let me assure you, however, that this is HIM, not YOU. He is the one looking for reasons to push you away right now. Arguments in relationships are not unusual; giving someone the silent treatment, i.e. ignoring them, being unresponsive, not communicating as if you are invisible, IS. Silent treatment is a form of abuse. You sent your apology on MONDAY to someone who PROFESSED to love you and care about you etc. but to not respond to that until today is NOT LOVE. I do not say this to hurt you but rather to prevent you from further hurt.

You cannot go back to the way it was in the beginning because that scenario doesn’t exist any more. He is not entangled in his marriage any longer, your role is different now and unfortunately he is apparently ambivilent about it. Again, this is NOT YOU, it’s HIM. Read up on triangulation and some lightbulbs might click for you.

I know you don’t want to let go, but in my opinion that would be the best thing to try to do right now.

I believe this person has his sights set on someone else, whether it be his ex-wife or someone new.

I believe this person will not change.

Please try to believe him when he is telling you that he can’t be what you wish right now. Perhaps ever. Please try to accept the truth that perhaps this person is NOT who you thought he was; that he was willing to risk your emotions for his need to “have his cake and eat it too” and then change his mind.

I believe all of the above because I have walked in your shoes. What I learned was eye-opening, life-changing and quite painful. I will never again become involved with someone who is still married, regardless of the state of that marriage or the professsed separation, etc. etc. Not judging you for this at all, just saying I have been exactly where you are at and once the divorce happened, rather than the relationship soaring, it went into the tank and I was spinning…

Be kind to yourself. Eat well. Sleep. Cry. Write like crazy, write all your feelings, read all you can about similar behavior patterns, remind yourself that you are safe and you will be okay; make a list of your outstanding qualities; make a list of things that make you feel good and set about doing JUST ONE THING that makes you feel good about yourself even if you aren’t really “feeling it.” Fake it til you make it, they say. Most of all, please try not to contact this person again for a while, perhaps forever. Any further contact with him will set yourself up for the possibility of being ignored, being treated coldly, amping up his hurtful words, etc. etc. Focus on yourself and whatever it is you need to do to feel better right now.

I hope this helps you some. I have walked in your shoes and am well on the other side, where life is a grand adventure! Truly! The more you sweep out the debris from this painful scenario, the more room it makes for something beautiful to enter your life. You can let it all go one minute at a time.

Love,
catdancing

Hello J.

When I was in a similar place after some major losses I knew I had to try something, anything to change it up. A good friend of mine lent me a meditation CD, which I listened to every morning for 15 minutes in the dark. For the first few weeks, I cried the whole way through it, I wasn’t feeling it at all. Shortly, though, I began to feel it helping center me. It was called ‘Getting into the Vortex’ or something like that (I hope this isn’t in violation of forum guidelines). Anyhow, I also started a gratitude journal. The rule I made for myself was that I had to write just one thing in it every day. Just one thing! That’s how lousy and dead I was feeling. Some days I wrote ‘my cat’ or ‘my sister’ or ‘a hot shower’ as what I was grateful for. Some days I repeated the same thing I wrote the day before. But then something amazing happened. Soon enough one thing became three things, which became 10 things, which seemed to snowball. The more I found to be grateful for (be it a great cup of coffee, a warm blanket, a smile from a stranger) the more blessings there seemed to appear to be grateful for. This totally lifted me up and “lightened me up” too. This new “lighter feeling” began to show to the world, people commented on the positive change and that brought even more positivity and light into my life. It was truly amazing how it built upon itself. The simple act of looking around at what was right in front of me to be grateful for snowballed into changing my entire life. I hope this will help you in some way.

Love,
Catdancing