September 18, 2014 at 2:37 pm #65175stuckParticipant
i am a couple of months pregnant and have had some of the worse several weeks in our relationship with my partner. from everything he has a problem with me, i asked him if he could give me a list of what he doesnt like about me. several of the flaws that i have are that im stubborn, passive aggressive, negative, i cant communicate well, cant accept criticism and that im very prideful. i agree with what he says but with so many things wrong with me, i find it a struggle every day to try to fix the damage i have caused.
so much so, last night i was extremely exhausted, we had not been intimate for a couple of weeks and he wanted sex but i told him i was tired but if he wanted to i could just lay there. i know that sounds horrible, but my intentions were not to hurt him but to let him know, although i am tired, i will still give you what you want.
that ensued a huge argument, he slept in the other room, we argued all morning via text and long story short, he is ready to move on. he told me if i denied him sex, then he would just find it elsewhere.
i dont know what else to do other than tell him that i am going to improve my attitude and how i treat him and actually show him. he is tired of my promises, he doesnt believe me and he has told me he has very little feelings for me.
what should i doSeptember 18, 2014 at 4:24 pm #65181aliParticipant
I know where you are coming from. I have been on and off with a guy for five years and things are just not going anywhere. However i have so much love for him. But the actions and different other things that i have done/caused he’s pretty much done with me.But he still wants to talk when its okay for him. i dont know what to do either…give him space or move on. its hard you would think if its meant to be it wouldnt be so hard…ughSeptember 19, 2014 at 5:04 am #65211JeroenParticipant
You could roll over and ‘give’ him what he wants, but you just laying there is not what he wants.
He wants the intimacy. You laying there and him doing his thing isn’t attractive at all. What you gave him is
an opportunity to loose his ‘pressure’ and go to sleep. He can do that on his own when you are not around.
He wants it to be you, and him. I think he just struggles emotionally. Doubting the fact if the fire is still present between you two.
You can say i love you, but for me personally, the intimacy is very important.
You need to give him some assurance that you’re really working on what your saying your working on.
I made that mistake myself and lost the girl of my life. She came to me with a problem. I Listened to her, and said i would put more effort in solving the problem. And it was all ‘good’ after. (They never forget!!) Then the next day i would work on the problem, maybe a little bit on the day after that. but then i just forgot about it.
Basically what im trying to say is, then you talk the talk, walk the walk.
You cant have a successful relationship without listening. Sometimes it takes a little work, sometimes it takes a lot of work. Practice what you preach, do in deeds what you claim in words.
I hope this helps.
September 19, 2014 at 6:51 am #65220luciaParticipant
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by Jeroen.
As Jeroen’s end message says: Actions speak louder than words. Instead of telling him, show him. It’s kind of hard to know where to start when you ask your partner for a list of things they don’t like about you. How about asking for a list of things that he does like about you? That can kind of remind him of the reasons why he is in a relationship with you.
Like a lot of the messages on TB: you can’t control other people’s actions or reactions, but you sure can control your own. My advice would be start making the positive changes for yourself, it will trickle into your other relationships – both romantic or platonic.
Hope you find your answers.
LuciaSeptember 19, 2014 at 7:33 am #65223KatieParticipant
Sorry to hear your recent situation’s been a rough one. I like Lucia’s advice above – asking for a list of things he DOES like about you. Not only will it remind him of why he’s in this, it will remind YOU of some good things about yourself, which it sounds like you need right now. It sounds to me like you’ve lost some self confidence and you are looking to him to give it to you. You need to find it within yourself. Maybe instead of HIM writing a list of things he likes about you, YOU just need to write a list to yourself of the things you love about you. Sound corny? Try it anyway. 🙂
If you know you have some issues to work on (passive aggression, being stubborn, etc.) then work on them because it will make YOU feel better. All the apologies and promises to do better sound to me like you are desperate to keep him with you. And that could be what’s driving him away. When we try to hold on to something (especially another person!) too tightly, they just want OUT. I think the most important thing you can do right now is just remind yourself what about YOU is unique and great.September 19, 2014 at 12:14 pm #65235cat dancingParticipant
I am sorry you are going through this, but I have a question.
Why is the “success” of the relationship all on you?
Why are you carrying the entire load?
Why is it all up to you whether or not things are good and well?
Why is your expressing your truth of being tired and not wishing to engage in sex (while pregnant to boot) a problem?
If you are with someone who is readily handing you a list of what is “wrong” with you, I would re-think why you’re with that person, not to mention WHY HE’S WITH YOU. Maybe you should ask him? Maybe that would help both of you, I don’t know.
What I do know is life is way too short to be spent twisted up in knots over trying to please somebody who finds fault…be happy with yourself (as suggested above) and all else follows.