Hi Anita,

You are welcome. Being an empath is a gift and curse. I am sure many times you have heard that and it is true. It’s a way of being that can be studied for a whole life time because it is a complex way of being for others to understand how it feels to be an empath. Most people don’t get it, even in laymen’s terms. It’s a lonely life. I have gotten a bit better by not taking so much on though. Its made life easier on me in some ways.

You said : “I have no energy to try repair a relationship that fell apart”- it is a relationship where you fell apart, a relationship that pushed you down to a “rock bottom” I never thought of it like this ever. I will need to consider it. My head is such a mess and my heart hurts so bad that it is really hard to understand anything right now. I believe there is some truth in it, it is just that I also have had family of origin stuff going on at the same time this year. I cut contact with my mother last year on December 1st. Consequently that meant I also lost contact with my sister and niece. I lost three family members all at the same time. It was the only three I had left. I now have no family at all, not even any extended family. It took me 40 years to realise that I had been abused by my mother since I was a child. I never saw it. I never knew it as abuse. I do now. It hit me hard, I did not cope well. I also went down hill because of that all happening. Then Covid hit and I could not get any support because everything closed down. Services and so on. It was just one thing on top of the other, building and building and building. Come November, I lost it completely and ended my relationship.

I was under a tonne of stress and pressure prior to me ending it. It took a long time for a diagnosis and medication. I was carrying a big load on my own. I assumed so much responsibility. I knew finances were going to change, so I was trying to get more work so it wouldn’t be an added stressor. I knew she was not in a position to work, so it was up to me. I didn’t see the use in adding more pressure onto her or onto me because she would not cope with it. She was very blind to a lot of her own stuff and I was flat out just trying to get us through. I was extremely tired/fatigued all the time. The kind that sleep doesn’t solve.  I wasn’t coping very well, but trying to keep it together. One Friday, I came home after a few hours of work and I was so tired that I basically lay down and crashed till the next day. We had an argument and I got pushed too far with some things she said and that was it, I ended the relationship. My choices were literally leave her in the lurch struggling and not coping, do my own things and watch it unfold or help her. The first option was never a choice for me, to me that is not love and not what love does. I went into my relationship with a full commitment to grow as a person individually and together with my partner. I do not regret ending the relationship. I do not know if I still love her truly, I cannot see past my own hurt and the damage done. My heart hurts real bad. I cry every day. I waiver from strong to weak, to believing we can work it out, to believing we cannot. My head is a mess and so is my heart. I am on my second day of spending the day by myself intentionally. Just trying to make it through each day, sometimes just minute by minute.

When I met her, we had quite a few huge spiritual experiences that involved the both of us. Its like when we hug we are fused together. There’s a fusion, a belonging, like coming home. That happened when we first met physically and hugged. Neither of us were expecting it. Who would. Many many experiences followed after that. None we were expecting or tried to bring on, they just happened. I feel her tummy against mine and there’s something there fusing us together. A recognition? I do not know how to describe it. With all the trouble we had, there was also a huge amount of love. I am not dismissing the heartache and the pain at all. I cannot dismiss it.

For clarity purposes, I am female. I suppose some people will call it a same sex relationship. I personally just say a relationship because love is love and the sexual form does not matter to me. I just prefer to keep things simple.

I am not ready to ask her to move out. I assure you, I know in myself how unstable I am right now. I also have lived on the streets. I did so in 2014. I can tell you, life on the streets is not pretty. You move on but you never forget. I know for a fact, that asking her to leave will mean she has nowhere to go. I live in a small regional town in Australia where there is not a lot of services at all. She would not even be able to get crisis accommodation. Her financial state is not such where she can just pack up, find a place and move in elsewhere. I know this sounds like I am considering her, more than I am considering myself. I want to say though, that I am not in a stable place in myself. I stare into space, I sleep and just try get through a day alive. I know I am deeply depressed. I know I am unstable. I have been here before. It would be a very different story if she was slapping me around, verbally abusing me, swearing at me, putting me down, putting my life in danger, or even getting violent. That is when I would say enough and to get out. She is not doing those things.

I also am not sure, how I feel about so many things. The whole relationship I have been told to take responsibility. Right from the start. As I mentioned I went into my relationship with the full commitment to grow as a person individually and with my partner. I have never been one to shirk responsibility, but I was never given reasons for taking responsibility when I was told to. I asked why and what for, that was never forthcoming. When it was on the odd occasion, I fought at times because I recognised that I was being made to take responsibility for what others had done, not me. In that case I flat out refused to take responsibility for what others had done. It only made her angrier. It went on for a long time. Its just changed now, to me having to admit my mistakes. I do that and have done so from the start. I have also then changed because I could see it was no good. I have learnt though that what she perceives as me making a mistake is not always me making a mistake. Its the fact that she doesn’t understand me.

In regards to your point about the power imbalance. I agree with you.  I have actually bought this up with her. That has done a lot of damage too. I feel that people that like to excercise that power in a relationship is cruel. That has nothing to do with love. I’ve stopped pointing anything out. It leads to nowhere good, constructive nor positive for either of us. She has a therapist now, and a doctor. Tow things she needs. Let them do the work.

You said: I noticed quickly that you are unusually mature and insightful, unusually aware of reality, seeing the big picture.

I am unsure why you said “unusually mature” and “unusually aware of reality” ? I just wasn’t sure why it is unusual?

Changeagent

Hi Anita,

Thanks for sharing. I agree that I cannot heal from my mother with someone who displays the same behaviours. I have said it myself. I am sorry that you were neglected and abandoned as a child and that you had to create your own imaginings and fantasies as a child in order to know what it would feel like to be seen and heard. Reality is stark to that contrast and the truth of it, painful and heartbreaking.

I have no idea how I am going to get through this part of my life, but I know I am at rock bottom again. I also know that I have no energy to try repair a relationship that fell apart. I am barely able to help me. Thank you for your input, it counts.

Changeagent