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CharlieParticipant
Anita,
My friend actually told me last night that he sent his sister a very pointed email that basically said that he cannot do this anymore and that he will not be responding to any emails or calls in the future, that he wishes her luck in the future, etc. He made that decision on his own, without me, so that took a lot of weight off my shoulders, phewww. Hopefully everything is resolved now. He said that he appreciates that I told him what I saw on her Instagram account because otherwise he might have fallen for her lies again. I still feel kind of bad, but I think that is maybe mostly because it is a sad situation. I’ve never really had to deal with manipulative family members or friends, so this was all unfamiliar to me, and I didn’t really know how to best help my friend.
Thank you so much for your help again, Anita. You are such a good person to dedicate your time here like you do, and you are so wise and have such good advice. If you haven’t already, you should write a book 🙂
CharlieParticipantThank you so much again, Anita. 🙂 I actually just have 2 more questions…(sorry, this is such a messy family situation!). My friend is pretty much ready to cut off his sister. He knows that she is very manipulative, and whenever he has confronted her about things, she initially freaks out, but then a week later she sends a super sweet email and he feels guilty for wanting to cut her off. But for the past few weeks, he hasn’t spoken with her, and things seemed to have calmed down. Then 3 days ago, she sent this super long and sweet email to him, so he started feeling bad about everything again. He then asked me to look at her Instagram account (she has a public profile) because he doesn’t have an account, to see if she’s been telling the truth about where she is and what she’s doing. I basically found loads of evidence that she has been lying to him again about what she’s been up to. I told him, and he said that he is glad that I told him, but obviously he is hurt and a bit angry. I feel bad that I had to give him bad news and that he is hurting because of it. Was I wrong to tell him this?
He was also asking me if I think that he should have no more contact with her. He is thinking of blocking her calls and emails because he can’t fall apart whenever she sends a sweet (but manipulative) email. I am torn because 1) she is really tearing him apart so I don’t want him to continue talking with her, but 2) I don’t ever want to advocate completely cutting someone off. Any thoughts about how to answer this question?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Charlie.
CharlieParticipantHi everyone,
Just wanted to update you all on the situation. Sorry it took me a while to post back – there was a lot of back and forth, and I wanted to wait until things resolved somewhat. I started out with Eris’ suggestions and figured that I would see how he reacted to that first, i.e. “well, in my experience, what I think made me a stronger person….” etc. He reacted well to that and kept asking me more questions, so eventually I segwayed into Anita’s suggestions. I explained that I have been concerned about the way he was being treated and that he seemed to feel very hurt and stressed and burnt out, and that this is not how a healthy relationship should feel. He also appreciated that a lot. He agreed that he felt that he was being used and degraded. He eventually confronted his sister about it and she freaked out. She wouldn’t talk to him for a week. Then she apologized a week later and acted really sweet for a few days. Then she started acting crazy again – making fun of him, cursing out his Dad and other family members, etc. He finally said that he had had enough and needed a break, and she told him to “have a nice life.” He was pretty upset for a while because he finally had a chance to know his sister, and it ended up being a bad experience, but he is ok now. He said that, without a doubt, he was only able to get through it because of me being there for him. Thank you for all of your help!
CharlieParticipantEris and Anita,
Thank you both so much for your input. You’ve both given me so much to think about – things that I hadn’t even considered. I will let you know how everything goes once I’ve had the talk!
Charlotte
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