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chermich

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  • #50892
    chermich
    Participant

    Thank you Lily and PK for your words. 🙂 They were calming and comforting during a difficult few days.

    Lily, it does feel like more steps backward than forwards sometimes! And it’s a nice reminder that I am growing for this, although it feels stalled or slow sometimes. I’ve been meditating more with forgiveness in mind these few days. Your empathy and words were a good reminder about the healing process, and what matters.

    PK, my friends also suspected she had a personality disorder! She had told me once that power was the most important thing to her, and I’ve seen how true it was in her career and personal life. I couldn’t see it all those months, but now I see more how she wanted control, and would manipulate people out of curiosity to see how they would respond. One of the hurtful thing was how she went out of her way to make it seem like our bond was special, and how she would toy with her words and actions later on that had me confused. It’s something that we have to remind ouselves – it was them, not us. Thank you for sharing the information and perspective.

    Here’s to healing!

    #50326
    chermich
    Participant

    Dear Lily, your experience was real, and the feelings you felt were real. I had received the “what else did you expect?/ Move on” comments from well-intentioned friends and it wasn’t easy to hear. They were, in their own way, trying to be supportive. Nomatter what is said by others, itdoesn’t take away the realness of what you experienced. You went through it, it’s real for you and there’s nothing to prove.

    I hear what you say about long distance, it can be harder to have clarity of what is going on and where the relationship stands. And we try to make sense of it with our experience and whatever information we have. It’s not so much imagining something that isn’t there but more of trying to make sense of the reality that you were experiencing. If there are expectations (which is normal and very human), then there is room for disappointment and hurt. At some level, you might still be looking for answers and that can make it hard to make peace with what has happened. I wonder whether you might want to try writing a letter to the person (not to be sent) and letting your questions, frustrations and emotions out. Write out what has been painful and difficult, write out what you had appreciated and learned from it and say anything that you have been harbouring, and finally end with forgiveness and goodbye if you can. It might help in making sense of what happened.

    Adding to what Ruminant said, be aware of the tormenting thoughts and the story that your mind is telling you. If the story isn’t helping you and hurting you more, then see what an alternative narrative could be. You were present, real and opened your heart to care for another. While you did get hurt, you have since worked hard and taking this experience and making it something that you can learn and grow from. Let this be a story of your strength and courage. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by chermich.
    #50323
    chermich
    Participant

    Hi Lily, reading your post resonated with me as I am going through something very similar. It’s been 4 months and it was long distance gone bad. I didn’t recognize the person anymore, and it was sudden, from high affection to coldness within days. And the person moved on quickly to someone who was geographically nearer.

    That had led to a journey to do anything to make myself feel better – meditating, finding this blog and reading articles, and learning how to let go. It has gotten easier over the months, but the pain and questions still return. That being said, when I read your post, I see a resilient person who had taken a painful situation and learned as much as she could from it. What you went through wasn’t pleasant, and it took courage to bring authenticity to the table. The emotions you feel are very natural and again it takes courage not to run away from them or hide from them. Let them come, and with love and forgiveness, let them go.

    You are in a process of growth, be patient with youself, you’l get there. 🙂

    #48392
    chermich
    Participant

    Reading your post was comforting. The person I had an intense relationship with went quiet a few weeks after leaving the country for studies in September. After telling me how much I meant to her and that she wanted to still be close. I learned that she moved on a month later to someone who had been texting her quite a bit while we were together, though she kept assuring me that they were just friends. There’s a deep sense of betrayal that she still strung me along and made me believe that he felings for me ran deep when there was someone else in the picture. Anyway, she was supposed to be home for Christmas, and it became a period I dreaded, to remember the plans we had that were not going to be. I’ve crafted out many emails that I didn’t send and in many ways have tried to build myself up again. The relapse does happen from time to time and I try to catch myself before it spirals too much. I’m sure we’re all growing from this, and it’s good to know that we are not walking this path alone. Here’s to less relapses!

    #45795
    chermich
    Participant

    Thank you, Laura. I can’t imagine that it was easy to share that but I deeply appreciate it. The end of relationships is always painful, but I always feel there is a respectful way to end it, to honour it.

    My feelings fluctuate often, and I’m trying to keep the focus on what is within my control. What you said about honouring the emotions and the relationship made me rethink how I have been handling this. I’ve been swinging between thinking what I did wrong, or feeling anger towards her, and thus frustration with myself for greiving because I feel like by doing so, I’m giving the relationship more importance and weight that she did. But if it is important for me, then I need to honour it, regardless of how she sees it. It’s a new pespective and one that I shall try to shift towards to.

    Love what you said about not letting someone who does so little for you control so much of you. Slowly, I am getting myself there. Or trying to, at least.

    We shall come out of this stronger. 🙂

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