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Just missing him but not going to contact him

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  • #47788
    Macintosh
    Participant

    http://tinybuddha.com/topic/im-really-hurting/

    Above is my original post if anybody is interested in reading my back story.

    I’ve done well and put him out of my head most of the time, kept busy and of course with the build up to Christmas, that helped too.

    Christmas day I did think of him and wished to hear from him, part of me wanted to text to say merry xmas but I didn’t cave. Very proud of myself for staying strong. Figure he’d probably just ignore the text and that would make me feel so much worse. He has ignored me a lot in the past.

    The problem is, yesterday and today I feel like I’ve had a relapse, I miss him so much, I cried 🙁 . I wrote a letter to him but won’t send it. Just really miss our friendship and focused on the good times we used to have, not the bad. My friend told me I should focus on the bad stuff that way I will remember why it’s best he isn’t in my life anymore. It’s hard to totally let go and really realize that he is out of my life….Not by my choice, he is the one who walked away.

    To those who are feeling down during this holiday season, stay strong and reach out to friends and family. Men and women who leave you, hurt you and disrespect you aren’t worth fighting for! This is what I keep telling myself. He isn’t worth it, my pride and self respect is more important than trying to reach out and get rejected.

    Thank you all so much in the past bunch of months, your words of wisdom has helped me so much and I’m very grateful for the kindness. I’ve learned a lot and really has helped me heal (albeit slowly at times). Staying positive and wishing him well, getting rid of anger certainly has helped me with closure since he didn’t give me much to go with when things ended.

    #47803
    Adam
    Participant

    I have experienced exactly the same feelings and can feel your pain. I have had similar feelings over the Christmas period and like you the final ending was not my choice either. I find the thing that often prevents me from making contact is that what I am feeling is probably more a reflection of my own feelings and trying to contact or getting in contact will not resolve any of my own feelings but instead probably create new negative emotions or feelings of resentment. At some point we all have to be enough for ourselves. Keep your head up your not alone and like all things this too shall pass. After pain comes success.

    #47892
    greeneyes
    Participant

    I wAant to tell you I’m going through something similar. Good for you for staying strong! Grieving a relationship was described to me as being like walking along a beach by the ocean… The waves come up and overwhelm you, and them they fade back into the sea. This will happen many times…so when you are sad and those feelings come, let it flow over you and accept the sadness (I’ve cried too this Christmas) knowing it will flow back out to sea. I haven’t always done a very good job of keeping distance, and I’ve found that when I do “cave” and contact him it causes a lot of stress… Waiting for the response, stressing, analyzing every word. I feel like I gives my power to him and my emotions are dependent on his response. It is only over the past couple days that I’ve done better. Stay strong and remember that the pain of missing him is under your control and will help you heal, in time.

    #47899
    Macintosh
    Participant

    So true Greeneyes! Today I feel a million times better and stronger. So glad I didn’t cave. It would have been a mistake as he would have ignored me and then I’d feel sad and probably beat myself up for being weak and reaching out. Reading on this site and also baggage reclaim has helped so much. I’m glad you stayed strong too and not having to deal with that stress. We have taken the power back and hung on to our pride! 🙂

    Thanks Adam, your words describe exactly how I feel too. Wish you (both) the best and here’s to our strength and knowing that once the pain totally goes away, we’ll all be well and healed.

    #47941
    Katrina
    Participant

    Here is a different perspective, for what it might be worth to you. I am 78 years old and my Love is 79. We have both been married to other people for well over 40 years. The marriages were, ‘over’ many years ago but both of us (like SO many older people) continued to go through the motions of our lives, in our respective roles of professional careers, parents to grown children, parents to grown grand children, etc. We see each other, maybe once a week at a friend’s house (bless her). She is the only one who knows about our, now, 8 year, ‘affaire’ for lack of a better term. ‘Affaire’ is not even close, at our age, and is it way more complicated than it seems. He believes, truly, and is probably correct about this, that his grown children would completely disown him if they knew about us or if he left his current wife for me. His current wife is their step-mother but she has them all wrapped around her because she is a nice person and she has a great deal of money. She makes life happen on a high level for all of them and their children…their educations, homes, vacations, etc. My love is dependent on her to do the work of the family while he continues to work like a 25 year old to finance the lives of his first wife and the 5 chidden (grown) who came from that marriage. It is complicated. Now, we are old. It is too late to start over. It is too late to blow up our lives and try to live through the stress of divorce and remarriage. We don’t have it to spend years in court fighting over, ‘stuff’ and the support we will all need soon, going into ‘assisted living’ or whatever will be next. We are in love like we have never been. We are becoming brand new people, people we have never known and whom we really enjoy. We have no social lives together, only apart, with our respective spouses. We have work lives and family lives that do not include one another. That part is very sad. We have dreams that can only be possible through some miracles. We believe in miracles and they keep us going but the years continue to go by and we are still stuck.
    There is no, ‘going back’ for either of us. We have learned how to, ‘live in the moments’ as they say, at a whole new level. He will retire this year and he and his wife will travel-a lot. My husband is 85 and his health is chronically difficult so we will not travel. He is retired and we live with little financial security which is rapidly being exceeded by medical expenses. Our children are busy with their own lives and became busier as our funds dwindled over the years. It happens. It happens more often that young people think. If you are young, you might be tempted to say, ‘I would never behave that way toward my elderly parents’ and perhaps that is true. But, just in case you believe you know your parents, try to be sure, that before they die, you make an effort to know who they really are, for your own sake and theirs. Sometimes I think, ‘I’m not going to contact him anymore’, ‘I should just let him go and be with his family, etc’ but I know that he would be broken hearted without me and visa versa. Life really is too short sometimes. Good luck to you as you move on to whatever is next in your life. I believe that the best is way yet to come for you!

    #47972
    Macintosh
    Participant

    I’m not judging you, you’ve found something that works for you and him, but have you both thought about what happens if your spouses and adult children find out? How do cope and deal with the fallout of getting caught?

    Not sure if your situation can help me, but thanks for posting it, maybe it can guide someone else who is in a similar situation as you are.

    #47974
    Macintosh
    Participant

    Today I am feeling grateful that I didn’t reach out to him. The holiday season obviously messed with my mind a bit, missing him terribly.. But, the reality is, he chose to walk away from me, end things and as painful as it’s been – The drive to push forward is stronger than wanting to hang onto someone who doesn’t want me.
    Took me a bit of time to work through that pain and also build up my self esteem. Being rejected and ignored sucks and hurts to the core! It’s him, not me and truly he let a good and kind person go! Makes me sad but in the larger picture it is for the best as I only want people in my life who are genuine and really do love and care about me. NO fake people or users!

    Happy New Year to you all. Stay happy, healthy and well.

    #48102
    annette
    Participant

    So helpful to read both of your viewpoints Macintosh and Katrina. I am in a situation (which I have posted elsewhere today) where I am possibly at the end of a ten year relationship where we were basically the right people meeting at the wrong time. Slowly (in the last eighteen months) situations have occurred to force us either to create huge huge shockwaves (which neither of us can bear to do) or make a break. A break is being made on the basis that in the future the situation may change and we may still be able to be together. This has been the hardest experience of my life to deal with and each day is a challenge. I would never have expected to find myself here in this situation and I completely understand where you are coming from Katrina. Today (after some friendly and supportive emails last night wishing each other good luck for the year ahead etc) I feel reasonably positive but give it a couple of days and I know I will be on a downer again.
    This site and you guys have been great in giving me the encouragement I need to keep going. But I know it isn’t going to be easy. Mac you sound like a great person, really warm and positive. You deserve to find someone who loves you unconditionally for who you are – and I am sure you will. Good luck to both of you x

    #48392
    chermich
    Participant

    Reading your post was comforting. The person I had an intense relationship with went quiet a few weeks after leaving the country for studies in September. After telling me how much I meant to her and that she wanted to still be close. I learned that she moved on a month later to someone who had been texting her quite a bit while we were together, though she kept assuring me that they were just friends. There’s a deep sense of betrayal that she still strung me along and made me believe that he felings for me ran deep when there was someone else in the picture. Anyway, she was supposed to be home for Christmas, and it became a period I dreaded, to remember the plans we had that were not going to be. I’ve crafted out many emails that I didn’t send and in many ways have tried to build myself up again. The relapse does happen from time to time and I try to catch myself before it spirals too much. I’m sure we’re all growing from this, and it’s good to know that we are not walking this path alone. Here’s to less relapses!

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