August 13, 2013 at 9:33 pm #40399
I try each day to put it out of my head but at the end of the night (bed time) is when it creeps in and it’s killing me.
I have this friend, known for about 4 years. Yes it’s the crush syndrome and he has been well aware of it since the beginning. I guess we both just ignored it and staying friends with him I didn’t realize how much my feelings were being fed.
We are friends but also at times have worked together professionally, I have many contacts through him which has been great. Anyway he is (has been) respectful type of person all along, and I truly believed he was a friend for life. Long story short, (and I still am so confused, not knowing is worse than knowing)
about six months ago he just did a 180. I knew he seeing someone, it never ever bothered me. I’m not a jealous type person. Last time he and I saw each other everything was fine. Then bit by bit he started acting weird, avoiding me and I got the strong vibe something was wrong. For 2 months we’d text, but no calls or no get together for lunch or coffee. Me being me, I was honest and finally asked if everything was okay (through email) and that I felt something was off. That I missed him and hope that all was okay. The reply back was wishy washy and casual and more or less that everything was fine and to stop being so dramatic.
??!! Was how I felt inside, like wtf, I am the least dramatic person, and if asking if everything was okay is dramatic then you don’t know what dramatic is. Pissed me off actually as I felt like he just dismissed me.
It’s now been 6 months since I’ve seen him, and I have no idea what is going on as he won’t talk to me or answer anything I ask. I feel so sick inside because he told me how much he appreciated me and our friendship and all that I’ve done for him. It’s like now he is just done with me and hoping I’ll just go away. It hurts a lot!! He texts silly stuff and jokes around once a week or so but totally avoids anything serious or personal talk. I have NO idea what is going on in his life, (I don’t ask at all anymore) and to make matters worse, the contacts I had through him (work stuff) a few of them have stopped throwing work my way. Maybe I’m being paranoid about the work related stuff, but still it feels like it’s related to this situation. This drives me nuts as to not know why or what is going on. He knows me, this is the thing.
One text not too long ago – I have obligations. His reason as to why he cannot see me right now. ??!! Again it confuses me and I feel like i’ve been dicked around and it hurts. I don’t deserve this and I figure its only a matter of time before he disappears …. Meaning if I ask what is up and tell him how I feel he will cut me out and just never text back or he’ll change his number on me. (Just a gut instinct feeling) I feel like I should just lay it all out there as I don’t see the point of dragging this out or if his intention is to just let things die off a natural death and bit by bit we fade and one day no more.
Should I just put it out there once and for all, take the chance to tell him how I feel and why? Or should I take the hints that this guy for whatever reason has decided he is done with me. I’m not a game playing type of person , I am honest and straight forward. I know guys don’t like emotional conversations or dealing with this type of stuff but it really is cruel and unfair how he’s treated me and hurt my feelings.
thank you in advance if anybody can help me.
PS I actually don’t want to end the friendship as he is special to me so I am afraid of opening up and ruining things even more. Wow, re reading this makes me sound so needy and pathetic by wanting to hang onto to him and a friendship that it seems he isn’t into anymore!! I want to smack myself for being so dumb about it like why cannot i let go and just move on?August 14, 2013 at 2:28 am #40402KatieParticipant
I sympathise with you completely. I wish I could adequately help you but it is difficult for me to make judgements upon this friendship when I am not you. I do feel though sometimes that some people come into our lives and then leave. They’re here to teach us lessons while they’re in our life, give us support and then we have to unfortunately learn to let go of them when they leave. But they played an important role in our lives while they were there. I’m not saying this is the case here. It is difficult to say really what the case is here at the moment. By the sounds of it he has not given you any information, and is playing dumb.
I however do not feel you are dumb. You are simply human, and there is nothing wrong with that. I myself among with everyone else upon this earth go through such similar emotions. We are all human, and it is always hard letting go of something you have become emotionally invested in. Based on what I’ve heard it sounds like this friend of yours is trying to avoid you for some reason. Now we can’t really make assumptions as to why. I can understand that this has been gnawing at you though. But there could be any number of things. Whatever it is though, he is trying to avoid some form of confrontation about the situation. This could be because what he has to say might hurt your feelings. Or it may even be that the person he is in a relationship with has asked him to avoid contact with you. Who knows. We can’t know. So try not to make assumptions and let them fester within your mind, they will only hurt you in the long run.
Whatever his “obligations” are he feels that they clearly somehow take priority over you. So much so that he leaves you in the dark bewildered. Is that a fair friendship? Friendships just like relationships are all about an equal flow of give and take and are mutually rewarding. A two way street. They should make the two of you feel good, not bad. However, here it seems you are more invested in the friendship then he is. Whatever he is doing, he is doing it immaturely. He needs to tell you the truth. He may be trying to distance himself in order to spare you or himself the hurt of something. He’s probably too scared and doesn’t have it in him to call the friendship off for whatever reason there may be. Whatever the situation you don’t deserve to be strung along like you are being.
Also, if you think he will cut you off if you ask him what’s happening or by telling him how you feel, you should revaluate your friendship with him. You want a friend that is there for you through thick and thin. One who understands. Not one that cuts you off for asking questions or expressing yourself. Ask yourself is this a friendship worth keeping despite all the pain? I can see that there is a little voice speaking to you in that last note you made in the ‘PS’. Try listening to it. But don’t beat yourself up. You need to try and look logically at this, try not to let your emotions interfere.
By the sounds of it you feel the friendship is fading anyway. In my opinion, if you haven’t already asked what’s wrong and told him how you feel then it’s worth a try. Just to give yourself some closure. If the friendship seems to be ending anyway, what’s there to lose? You need to tell him that you want the truth (but don’t be demanding, be mature and professional). You want to maintain your self respect by not appearing needy (not that you are) and upkeep your own pride. I think perhaps it’s worth you trying to tell him how you feel bewildered and confused and you just want the truth now whatever it is – good or bad – you should ask him what the matter is. But after all this time, I think this should be the last time you try. Hopefully you can receive some closure from it. If he brushes you off again after even telling him how you feel you need to realize that this person does not have you in their best interest. Whoever he may have been in the past, people do change and who you thought they were no longer seems to apply. Try not to become enraged or hurt. Don’t make it personal, keep it professional.
If he fails to tell you what the problem is, you need to let go and rid yourself of people such as him who no longer serve you. You need to bring good influences back into your life; friendships that are rewarding. Friendships that make you feel good. I think it’s worth a try asking one last time, but don’t take it any further than that. You want to maintain your self respect and own pride. He’s not putting into the friendship what he should be which shows he’s not as invested as you are. In ways asking him what the problem is after all this time is somewhat pushing it. He seems to be trying to imply something by distancing himself. I don’t know. I’d say either try to let go of the friendship now and realize it’s over, or ask one last time for some form of closure. Regardless, at the end of the day the friendship does not appear healthy for you as it is causing you stress and sadness. I would try to distance myself and let go. There’s a point that comes where you should let go and move on, and realize this is no longer in your control. He is the one choosing what he does. You can’t change that. You’ve done all you can. It’s just the ebb and flow of life. People come and people go. Remember that you shouldn’t ever expend energy on someone who doesn’t care about you anymore or have you in their best interest. They are not worth your worries, pain or tears.
Of course I am making a lot of assumptions here in order to make some sense of this situation. I may very well not be correct; this is based off what I think and what I might do. You are of course entitled to whatever you wish. You need to make your own judgements. I want you to make your choice based on what you feel is right and what is best for you. But I do believe by clinging to something that is not doing you any emotional good is only deteriorating your happiness. I wish you the best of luck with your endeavours. I am here for support if you wish to speak further. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, I wish you the very best friend.August 14, 2013 at 6:51 am #40404
Something similar happened to me because of a jealous partner. Who knows what conditions have arisen on his side, perhaps you could accept that there is distance in this moment and let go. It definitely sounds like he needs distance for now, are you able to give that to him in a friendly way?
The key to inner peace in your situation, in my opinion is to wish him to be well, happy and peaceful no matter what or why. This allows your mind to remain soft, your heart to remain open. Grudges and blame make us feel icky inside, so we intentionally walk away from them!
MattAugust 14, 2013 at 7:02 am #40406
Katie,thank you so much for your wisdom and words of advice. You sound just like me, the type of advice I would give someone in my exact situation! It’s just really hard to be objective since I am invested and have clouded judgement, as well as having my emotions involved which of course,gives me hope when the times he does text and joke around with me…. The hope is also there because he told me I was his friend for life. Though how things are now I don’t believe him. Actions speak louder than words. And you are right, I feel he hasn’t been a friend to me in a long time. Reading what you’ve written just confirms what I need to do. Somehow I need to find the courage and strength inside of me. It hurts so much.
For now I will do nothing as I’m not ready quite yet to decide to say something or just let it go. If I ever get the opportunity to speak to him face to face in the near or distant future, it’d be easier for me to tell him how I feel this way he can’t ignore me. If I write, (right now) it’ll hurt too much if he ignores it and I get silence for weeks or months. I can’t let myself be that vulnerable.
This does truly suck. Such a mixture of emotions!! Anger, sadness, frustration….depending on the minute!
I feel used by him, and as time goes on I know I’ll be alright. I need to get to the frame of mind that this is his loss because I am special and a good person, that he loses out on MY friendship. But right now it feels like my loss and I really miss him.
Your assumptions are more than likely correct as all that I’ve thought of as well.
Thanks again, I really appreciate the time you put in answering my post…You’ve helped me so much.
I’m sure I’ll be venting again soon. Possibly writing a ‘letter’ to him to help me get him out of my head and heart.August 14, 2013 at 7:44 am #40408
Hi Matt. I totally agree with you. Honestly, I have no hate towards him and if this does end I will wish him the best and only want happiness and peace for him. I am not a person who hold grudges or wishes ill on anybody. In fact, at some point if he comes back, I’d give him a chance because people deserve second chances. I am willing to ride this out and see what happens. I always felt he was a blessing in my life, and he told me the same.
Yes I can give him space, and just keep what I feel to myself. Eventually it’ll just happen: my heart will close off emotionally and this won’t bug me like it does now.August 15, 2013 at 6:21 am #40497
I wonder if it is possible to let go without closing the heart. Who knows what conditions are producing the distance on his side, because we don’t know. Much like we don’t blame a deaf boy for not hearing us, we don’t blame the closed off for whatever reasons they’ve closed. Something happened that changed things for him, and we can give loving kindness. “May you be well, happy and peaceful.” This keeps our heart open, but accepts and gives space to the connection to be whatever it needs to be on their side for now. Said differently, if and when the conditions change for him, inside you there is the potential for there to be no resentment or karma within your conditions. Namaste.
MattAugust 15, 2013 at 7:29 pm #40589
Closing my heart to him has to happen so I can emotionally detach enough that I can go on and not feel how much I really miss him.
Today was a pretty good day, I barely thought of him and when I did there was no pain. Actually I felt nothing, like a memory from another lifetime, if that makes any sense. Am hoping tomorrow goes just as well.
I do wish him well and I want him to be happy but it just irks me how he’s handled this at times with such disrespect towards me and he has not been too nice. Never thought he’d be cruel to me.August 22, 2013 at 7:15 pm #41021
I’ve had more strings of good days, in fact for the past 3-4 days I felt a bit more at peace. Until tonight, everything has just hit me and I’m in tears, my heart hurts so badly. I just can’t believe how much I miss him…And there’s nothing I can do about it but cry. He doesn’t want to hear from me, know what I’m feeling or thinking and that really hurts. I feel so dismissed by him. Even through my tears there’s anger. I won’t hang onto the anger in the future as I know feeling anger is part of grieving and healing process. That anger I hope drives me to detach from him more, care less about his daily life and what he’s doing. It’s really hard to be shut out of his life after being in it for so long.
I find reading and reaching out to others helpful too, just wish I can take my own advice and be more objective in my own situation. Someone posted (sorry ATM forget her name) about how easy it is to give advice rather than to take it.September 16, 2013 at 9:45 pm #42333
Well, here’s a little update.
We were texting last week and then he mentioned he was free on his way home from work to meet up for a quick coffee. While driving there I had 100 different thoughts and feelings running through me, but at the same time I felt at peace. Maybe these many months not seeing him (and me not recognizing it?) actually has helped and I didn’t realize how detached I’d feel when I saw him. It was like visiting an ‘old friend’ on some level. Conversation was light and happy so I chose at that time not say too much and bombard him….I can see how things go in the next little while and next time bring up stuff that really has been on my mind.
I did say a few things in a joking manner, which he got right away, gave me a hug and kind of downplayed it. I took that as a hint not to ‘go’ there and just enjoy the company for what it was. One thing I DID say was, I didn’t like how jerky he’s been towards me and he told me that he’s extremely moody and not to take it personally. I just said well, that’s not an excuse and you need to be nicer to me. I left it at that and didn’t want to get into it too much. He did agree and I felt really good saying goodbye and he said next week or the week after we’ll get together again.
Past few days I was okay but then today I got call from an unknown caller (it comes up on my cell as this) and I know he has call block. Texted him and said was that you who just called me? He answered back : What for? So I just texted back, ah okay, thought it might have been you just because of how it came up on my phone. No response back.
Now of course all over again I’m having these weird pangs of doubt, mistrust (again) and if he truly IS sincere with me or if there’s an element of him just having his ego feed. So confusing! Now I am kind of kicking myself that I didn’t lay it out and tell him how I feel and just discuss the past bunch of months and what is really going on with him and why things are the way they are now. I chickened out as I didn’t want to ruin a fun time. Once again, I suffer.
I won’t text any of how I feel to him anymore, done with that as it just hurts when he doesn’t reply back or I get a smart ass answer (like today!). I can’t even bring myself to ask him to pick another time to get together, he has to do that since he said he would set something up again soon. We will see how this plays out and I will do more reading up and thinking – Is he worth it and what is best for me.
I can’t believe how much stronger I feel, it’s like something in me switched a few weeks ago, and I decided not to cry over him anymore, that I was DOONE..and then boom! Here he is, wanting to see me, like he felt an energy shift that I wasn’t thinking about him much at all (it’s absolutely amazing how it stopped, no thoughts in the AM or PM while falling asleep or waking up).
Thanks for reading and would love to hear from Matt and Katie..And anybody else who would like to give their 2 cents!September 17, 2013 at 8:19 am #42350
I’m sorry for the resurgence of confusion and mental racing, and can understand why an experience like the coffee meeting would leave you wondering. I think its very possible that as you finally allowed the connection to release he unknowingly felt it. I don’t find that to be very interesting for you, however, because something else caught my attention while reading your words. A few things came to heart.
For the sake of illumination, perhaps consider your connection to him much like an addiction. With enough time and space, the force of the addiction erodes as the body naturally moves away from the object of addiction. Then we feel peace, as though the addiction does not have a hold on us any longer. However, if we are only suppressing the desire for the object, then we’re only creating a wall between us and it, and not actually dealing with the lack inside us that is generating the craving when we encounter the object.
When you said “I need to close my heart” this is the method that you seem to have adopted. Which also seemed to work for a little while, as brick by brick, day by day you went about your daily do. However, in not approaching the basic wound on your heart, the next time you encountered the object of addiction, the force returned. The wall came down, and there you are again cycling through patterns of suffering. Its OK, normal and usual for it to happen that way.
People who become addicted to alcohol, for instance, rarely quit just from wanting to not drink. Their resolve melts in the face of stress, and until they go through a process of self knowing, creating healthy coping strategies, and settle their past mistakes, they fall into patterns of drinking. My initial response still resonates with me as pertinent. Get into patterns of self nurturing. Consider doing metta meditation with him as the recipient. Try to open your heart to him in a way that honors your hope for inner peace, leaving his aloofness and other patterns within his journey, as his problem.
This cleans out the basement, so to speak. It uproots the habitual tendency to make his actions about you. To take it personally. Neither one of you seem to honor your feelings very well… where it sat as a pink elephant in the chair next to you while you sipped your latte and smiled. Why does he hold such power over you? You deserve so much better. Intimacy can be wonderful, nourishing, divine… and instead you toss your keys to someone who treats you unkindly. Its just habit, though, to reach and try to come to know where someone else is resting. To see inside his mind and heart and wish for understanding. Let it go!
It reminds me of a story about a girl who was crawling through a garden as a baby and smelled something funky. So she pressed her face close to the soil and smelled the manure which helped the flowers bloom. It was such a strong smell, that even as she grew and could stand up, the floral scents seemed pale in comparison. So instead of waiting for her senses to realign and mature, for the manure smell to settle, so she could appreciate the beauty of the flowers, she got back down and started smelling the manure again and again…. it felt somehow like home. She was just allured by the intensity and familiarity. In the story, a goddess appears and helps her stand and be patient… and slowly, gently, the whole of the garden was sensed and enjoyed.
MattSeptember 17, 2013 at 11:18 pm #42387ParselmouthParticipant
I can really relate to this topic. I too was in a friendship in which I was highly invested, but on his I think was only a disposable internet thing. He said to me in the beginning that he gets bored with people easily and moves on without looking back, so I always knew how it would end. We were friends for a long time, over a decade, and I suppose I just forgot and thought that we had forged a bond that would last but I was wrong. He drifted off, but he would never talk to me about it and now that we have ended acrimoniously I have a head full of questions buzzing me like a crowd of sad, angry bees.
I know all the advice. Try mindfulness, love yourself, don’t beat yourself up, think positive thoughts, be grateful for the good things, allow yourself to mourn the relationship, let go, find something to put in its place, be your own best friend, rely on your friends etc etc, but I’m still raw at times and just can’t believe that he could walk away from something that was so amazing. It had ceased to be amazing for him and he had found someone else, and I know I have to accept that he no longer has any interest but it’s just agonising. I had never had a friendship like it and never will again. I wouldn’t want to make myself that vulnerable. I read advice on here saying that you need to make yourself vulnerable to truly engage in life, but then when it all goes wrong and you experience the worst pain of your life, you never want to go there again.
And yet I now feel utterly bereft, as if the best parts of me have been ripped out and stamped on. And I don’t know how to get myself back, I just feel broken. He knew all this buddhist wisdom and life coaching stuff, and was my support for so long. I came to rely on him and depend on that support but now I just feel like my structure is gone and even though I have lots of other lovely friends, the loss of this particular one has broken my heart.
I was absolutely addicted, and the loss of him has been like going cold turkey from the most addictive drug you can think of.
Many people have come and gone from my life before, friends, lovers, beloved pets, even my parents, but I’ve never hurt this much. I just can’t let it go. I’ve blamed myself, blamed him, behaved badly towards him and damaged my own belief in myself. And the more well meaning advice and help I find, the harder it seems to be to move forward. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.September 18, 2013 at 1:07 am #42389AdeParticipant
I am not sure I can add anything more or help with better advice than you have already been given but you do sound like a very beautiful and level headed person. Imagine, for a moment, that someone in your workplace or in your circle of friends has the ‘hots’ for you- but, for whatever reason, you are not interested in anything beyond a friendship. How would that feel? How would that play out?
Well my guess is you would not want to hurt that person, you might indeed be flattered by their attention and in that way invest the time to find out that actually you quite like that person, enjoy their company, and all that goes with it. But the basic rules of chemistry still apply. This person is not your ‘ideal’- does not strike you as ‘the one’. Thsi state of affairs goes on for years and suddenly you find yourself in a tight spot. You might love this person as a friend, brother, sister, whatever but you do not want to be romantically involved- Actually you want to be romantically involved with someone else who has crossed your path. You would look to do exactly what your ‘friend’ has done. In other words what I am saying is sometimes it is good to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
What you need to do is (at least this is what I would do) create distance- a healthy distance and space between you that you fill with others and then let time do its magic. This guy may indeed come back to you but my guess is it will be at a time (if at all) when you have put him in his proper pigeon hole- the life long friend. Recognise, as I do in your words, the process of grieving you are going through for this long time friend, and know that the phase of Bargaining and Despondency and Anger will mellow into Acceptance with time. You will then stop hurting and be back in control. And Happier too.
I wish you love and happiness
AdeSeptember 21, 2013 at 11:59 am #42557
Matt, once again thank you so much. It stings to read some of what you said (wish I could quote the parts but this forum doesn’t have quote function to use) but it’s all true.
I really REALLY need to work on acceptance and taking full responsibility for my part in the demise of this friendship, but he certainly is responsible for his part as well, maybe even more so. I’ve missed many red flags due to my feelings for him.
Still am hurting and I will for a long time. Now I need the courage to end it. I can’t be friends with someone (I think) I’m in love with, just hurts way too much.
I have a lot of anger within me, and that is what is keeping me from caving and contacting him now. Even seeing him the other night, I KNOW things are different and this week so far he’s ignored me and actually was rude to me as well, no reason for him to treat me badly, yet the longer I stick around, the more he is treating me crappy. Yuck!!!
Parselmouth, OMG, you and I need to exchange emails or is there a PM system on this site? I think we could really help one another right now.
Thanks for replying. I feel for you, big time. I feel the exactly the same as you’ve described!! It sucks and it really hurts, to the core deep inside my heart, but I do know some of this is my own doing by allowing myself to fall for someone that along the way showed me that they weren’t into me as much I was into them.
Will write more to you later, heading out soon. Thanks again.September 21, 2013 at 12:02 pm #42558
Ade, I am a kind hearted person and no way would I treat anybody with such disrespect or rudness, or ignore them. No matter what. Knowing someone’s heart is fragile and they ‘had’ feelings for me, I’d tender to that and be honest – which is much better than silence and being mean.
God I just want acceptance to happen quickly, really feel it deep inside so I can get over him and not feel so hurt and sore all over. I suffer from anxiety because of this and also body pains. My heart hurts and it’s physically hurting me too.
Thanks for your helpful advice. This place is wonderful.September 21, 2013 at 4:09 pm #42564NiuParticipant
I read about your situation and can feel your pain over the months that this has occurred. I hope you can find peace and acceptance sooner than later. I really like the advice Matt and some others have given you about keeping an open heart and wishing the best for him. I found that that helped me out of a hole in my heart (only to throw me into another–but that’s another post!), and brought my consciousness to another level. I’m finding that asking myself if I’m showing myself love and respect in the situation helps because do we really want to be with someone who can’t fulfill our needs? I know, I know, then the question of unconditional love comes in and all the hope…aaackkk!
One thing that helped me when I was going through my divorce 5 years ago was Pema Chodron’s Getting Unstuck. One thing she talks about is learning to stay in the moment rather than allow your mind to drift into the past or future… Probably one of the biggest insights I had was after she said something along the lines of us knowing we are going to die sooner or later, so how long do I want to spend the time I have to live life sad or angry? The answer was simple: NOT LONG. That was powerful for me. l So many points she make in that teaching helped me to let go…now I only need to practice it in the situation I’m in NOW. 😛 But I’m trying to take advantage of this tender heart so that I can possible launch myself into positive transformation. So I know it’s not easy, but decide if this is worth getting physical complications besides the mental ones…I think you need to start taking care of you. You’re worth it!