September 23, 2013 at 8:32 pm #42674
Thank you Niu for your kind words. Means a lot.
I do find if I think too far ahead it sends me into a panic attack, so reading what you learned really gives me hope that I can just learn to stay in the now. Thinking of things used to be, really hurts and makes me miss him like crazy and over think too much – Why everything has changed? What do I do wrong? etc.. I am tired of blaming myself, even though I am all at fault, obviously how I handled stuff didn’t help the situation. Ahh , acceptance … 🙂
I give myself permission to cry but once the tears stop, I’m making myself get up and do something so I don’t feel so bad.
Our paths will cross though work so ending it for good isn’t a great option but what I can do is detach and make myself not care. Over time it’ll get easier and actually the more of a jerk he is to me it’s made me realize that I cannot have someone in my life who treats me so poorly. Thank you for saying I”m worth it! I do believe this but he’s certainly taken a bite out of myself esteem.October 10, 2013 at 9:17 am #43567
I still can’t believe the waves of sadness that hits me at times. I seriously am trying my best to push him out of my head, try to ‘hate’ him and I’ve done a list of all the things that are negative about him, things that show me that he is NOT worthy of my love, my care, my affection and my heart. It’s so easy to pour out on paper but in my heart and mind, he’s still in there. It’s like i still feel a connection from him that won’t go away! I love him and always will.
I can sit here and give advice, know exactly what to say to someone else but then i can’t even take my own advice or stick to it! WTF is that!
I don’t regret meeting him. I just regret allowing myself to fall for him and allowing all this to happen. If only I could go back and have a re-do and handle things in different way then maybe all this wouldn’t be happening. He’s so closed off, and I truly miss him and our friendship.October 10, 2013 at 12:02 pm #43578MattParticipant
I’m sorry for the continued cycling you go through, it must be tough to keep working with an ex, and be reminded constantly in such a way. Its not surprising that trying to create hate for him isn’t working, trying to close the heart intentionally is like sticking a rock in a river… which might dam it up, but the water keeps coming and eventually breaks through.
Have you considered doing metta meditation? If you ever come to accept that closing the heart doesn’t work, metta can help refuel the inner warmth that makes the love unconditional, eroding the sticky points about the union that make love painful. Either way, I wish you love and light along your path.
MattOctober 10, 2013 at 12:13 pm #43579JohnParticipant
To try and replace love with hate will just perpetuate you into a cycle of suffering and pain. It replaces one type of clinging with another. Anything you try to push out, will only push harder back. That’s how the connection is maintained and strengthened.
Meditate, breath, let go.
Send out loving kindness to yourself, to him, and everyone you know. Rise above your need for revenge, for hatred, for guilt. Negativity is like a boomerang – direct it at someone else and it will only smack you across the head when it comes back.October 13, 2013 at 1:36 pm #43691
Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart. All your advice and kind words have sunk in and after spending 3-4 days in total pain – And I mean body aches, physically hurting, yesterday I just woke up and realized WTF am I doing to myself??? HE IS NOT WORTH this pain and heartache. His loss if he doesn’t want me in his life. I texted him a few days ago to wish him a happy thanksgiving and he did not reply back. Been 2 days and it just hit me. I’m numb, not hurting at all. I feel peace and a weight lifted off of me! Glad to say, I am DONE. He will not break my heart again, won’t make me cry. I meant something to him a while ago, but not anymore. I love and care about him but we’re not on the same page and sharing a connection anymore. Who cares why it changed, fact is, it changed. I am so sick and tired of trying to figure out what was going through his head, why things were going badly, why he was treating me like crap and ignoring me, then do the push/pull game… Well, he can go find another person to do that to. I’m going to be okay without him, I have great friends and distraction now to keep him out of my head space.
I wish him well, wish him the best and am thankful I shared good times with him, and he’ll always have a spot in my heart but he and I cannot be friends anymore.
Acceptance feels really amazing!!October 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm #44140
Had a string of good days now today and yesterday has really sucked.
He’s on my mind again. I was stupid and texted about 3 days after Thanksgiving. That of course brought on self induced pain of rejection as I figured he wasn’t going to text me. And he hasn’t! A mutual friend has no clue what has happened and thinks everything is fine. This guy is more his friend than mine so it’s not my place talk about it. But, I heard he’s doing well, is happy. So on some level I am happy that he is happy BUT it also means I am not on his mind at all, I’ve been forgotten about like an old stuffed animal that was once loved and cared about.
It is just so rude that he couldn’t even wish me a happy thanksgiving. That peace I felt before is gone and it’s been replaced with anger and some tears. Frustration and pain that he is ignoring me. Again…..I’m sure I look so pathetic in his eyes. Feel so weak that I can’t seem to let go of a guy who is not the person I thought he once was, and the person who is now there is like a devil, I swear it’s like he enjoys knowing he’s killing me inside. He knows how I hate to be ignored, it’s an issue from my childhood and he’s fully aware of what pain it brings on, yet he still does this. Then again, I’m asking for it by not leaving him alone.
Another process to go through and hopefully this phase will pass. I just want peace. I want him out of my head space, out of my heart, out of my blood. I actually DO want to HATE him, I read somewhere that hating someone and focusing on the bad/negative stuff helps close the heart, helps detach and bring reality check in too. I have those moments and that’s when I feel totally in control and think “I”m gonna be okay.” Then night time comes and he creeps into my head, I can’t imagine not hearing from him again, my life with a hole in it, god he made such an impact on me and everything is different now, it’s such a loss that he won’t be in my life anymore.
Thanks for reading, any replies would be great……If not, this is sort of a vent to get stuff out of my head.November 19, 2013 at 8:12 pm #45505
A month later, after lots of grieving and detaching, crying and anger, even hating him for a while, there’s some peace of letting go, I am done. Done for good. I feel numb and nothing. Like he didn’t exist and it was all a dream.
One day I will look back and smile, remember some great memories, but not now, not for a long time. This man I truly thought was honest, genuine, caring and a real friend. Maybe for a little bit he cared, but as soon as he didn’t ‘need’ me anymore, he did a 180 on me. In the past month I’ve found some stuff out about him, he isn’t the person I believe him to be. The way he has treated me, cut me out of his life, ignored me, is disgusting. I realize now is a player, a user and a narcissist. This is his loss, not mine. I got tired of blaming myself, being up on myself, feeling bad, sad and losing self esteem. All for what ? Someone who isn’t even worth it. It’s sad on some level and I pity the ‘new’ girl (he hid her from his many other girls) he’s with now. She won’t believe anything anybody has warned her about him, apparently we’re all wrong. She’s going to get her heart broken and stomped on. Only a matter of time (that’s his pattern) before this happens.
Reading here, helping others, googling on how to heal,reading baggage reclaim, and of course relying on friends to help me through this as well, has got me to where I am now. I thank all of you who have reached out.
I promise to those really hurting — It gets better! Allow yourself to go through all the stages of loss, reach out and talk about it, as much as you need to. Don’t give up on yourself. And it’s really important to not beat up on yourself! That just pours more salt on the wounds, so be good and love yourselves through this painful process. It serves no purpose to make yourself feel worse than necessary.
One day I won’t care at all but I would like to give him a piece of my mind. He isn’t worthy of hearing anything I have to say. Actually it probably wouldn’t phase him or make a difference, I’d be banging my head against a wall.
Thanks again to you all.