Thank you Archie. I think you are right, and I have long since given up the fear of driving him away by sharing my thoughts and feelings. He will stay or go regardless of what I do, so I choose to be myself. I know that he is going through a lot right now, so I am not pushing hard at all. Actually I haven’t initiated contact with him outside of work for more than 24 hours now… Just giving him space to catch his breath and catch up. I do need to sit down and talk to him in a calm and honest way. It is not a relationship without communication or honesty. The fact that he has come back to pursue me twice, and that every time we have been apart he has made sure to keep in contact with me constantly, as well as the way he shows me he cares for me (even if not in words) does show me that he is afraid to lose me. He was finally doing more than the bare minimum to keep me. Finally progressing the relationship along by his own idea and means. I just feel so conflicted with all of this. It has me wondering what internal focus I can shift to ensure that I do not have this recurring pattern with men.
It is also difficult because I am in a different place than he is. I’ve been on my own for 5 years now. I’m ready for something more meaningful, and I can plainly see that even though he voices that he wants love and a relationship, he is not ready for anything more at this time. Or perhaps he is not ready for more just with me. In either case, I can only accept that and decide what I am wanting to do from here.

Thank you Archie. I’m not quite young anymore… Though I still look and feel very young. A stable relationship is exactly what I want. Stable, open, fluid. But for some reason no man ever tells me he loves me and has loved me all along until I’m done and walking away. I think I still have a great deal of inner reflection & work to do to get myself completely on track. It’s frustrating that I keep going back knowing something is there… but it only shows itself part of the time.

The last four days have brought about a lot of changes. I was responsible for his teen all weekend while he was away for work… She had snuck out of the house for several hours the night before he left, so he asked me to stay there and keep her safe, and home. I’ve never been so uncomfortable and confused in all my life with all of this. I’m too close to this family and we all rely on each other too much. He officially handed me back the house keys that I had given back to him two months ago as well. I did not ask his reason. Honestly, I was emotionally exhausted enough that I really didn’t care to question why at the time. And you’re right… The tiger is more powerful than I can understand. There is still a lot of raw emotion here and there are far too many blurred lines. Hopefully this weekend I’ll be able to use the time I have away from my children and his daughter, (and him) to meditate and recharge without distractions. I simply don’t know whether to stick it out or move on.

Thank you for your replies! I wanted to post an update. I have been working very hard to just let go and live in each moment. Forgetting everything that has passed, and just be thankful for what I have. It is helping… I do see the changes reflecting even in the people I deal with on a regular basis. I have finally found employment. Having trouble keeping a sitter handy for my itty bitties, but the employer that chose to hire me decided to do so because of my flexibility and ability to shift from situation to situation with great ease. They are working with me as best they can, and I definitely am thankful for that.

I see the changes even in my children… they are much more at ease at home, and not feeding off of my constant stress. They are flourishing at school and quite happy.

As far as the man I was seeing, it’s like a dance right now. Some days we have breakthroughs… where suddenly he has let down his guard and lets me in… Kisses me passionately and laughs with me. Other days he can still be a little distant and awkward. I’ve made the conscious decision to not discuss it at all… and to just enjoy those moments and create memories together. There is no way to know whether things will change for the better over the long term… so I am making a conscious effort NOT to over think any of it. Just breathe, be myself, and flow with each moment. Our lives are still so intertwined. Even this weekend, I have his daughter for 3 days while he is away for military duty. I’ll also have her in the evenings part of the week. There’s really no way to give each other the gift of missing each other right now… So I make sure the moments are not tense, and shift my focus when things become awkward. It’s the only thing I know to do right now.

One day at a time. Always reading. Always learning. And trying to find time to spend by myself so I have that “me time”/down time to reflect and refresh my mind.