October 28, 2013 at 11:07 am #44457
I almost don’t know where to start. My past four years have been extremely difficult since my divorce. For a while I was working, being productive, and becoming happy again. I was finding myself. Then I ran into financial troubles, followed by car trouble and my abusive ex husband taking me through a court battle that is still continuing for custody of our children, so he can try to get out of years of back child support. I’ve had to move twice this year, and I am in a new town. I lost my job and have been getting farther and farther behind on bills the whole time. The children just started school. This was all bad timing.
I had met a man a little over a year ago and started dating him. We turned out to be on-again-off-again… But something special was there… so I thought. We recently broke up, but are still close friends… and our children still spend a great deal of time around each other. I miss being with him.
I’m writing this because all of the signs were there. The stress of everything going on in my life took over… and I forgot to focus on myself at all. Friends, work, even the man in my life tried to warn me of the fact that I was falling apart and cracking under the stress, that I was changing as a person. When we broke up (both times) he told me that I was the perfect woman for him in every way he could imagine… except that he never fell in love with me… and feels like I deserve better, and that if I can’t love myself, no one else can. It broke my heart in 1000 ways. He said he’d held on and kept trying because he kept hoping that “feeling” would appear… but it has not.
I need to reclaim my life regardless of all of the above. I want to be happy again… and I’ve been reading, meditating, everything I can do. I need to go out and make new friends again, I need to be able to start over… Most days I’m able to stay positive and be in my “heart”… Today I’m in my “head”. My truck has major issues to fix, I can’t afford it, I have no internet at home to job hunt… so I’m here at my ex boyfriend’s house using his internet. He’s helped me so much. And he still persues me to a point. He wants me alone but won’t get close. Won’t kiss me… though sometimes we are intimate. We have fun together… but I wish sometimes we didn’t still need to rely on each other like we do.
What else can I do to get back on track?? I feel like I’m drowning! I don’t know what to do.
Plus the emotional side is still difficult. It’s hard letting someone go that’s such a big part of my daily life… that obviously still cares and still wishes things were different.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Ever since I started trying to get it all back together and relax my mind… it’s been wonderful… except that the days when I have setbacks put me right back to the feelings I had during the breakup… when I lost my job… when I lost the house… the day I was served with court papers… I want to let these burdens go so badly and move on!October 28, 2013 at 10:43 pm #44486KinnyParticipant
It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate!
Here is an exercise I use when I am in the thick of it.
What you have right now is your Given. It doesn’t matter the whys or ifs…it is what it is. What you have in front of you is your starting point. Pretend you have amnesia and all you know is that you woke up in this body wtih this situation and your objective is to make the most progress that you can each day. That’s it. Focus on what you are grateful for, and doing what you can with what you have with where you are. Whenever thoughts wander off to something unproductive like the past, or hate or regret, go back to having amnesia and focus on being productive.
Another mental exercise is to pretend that you are an author and that your life is created just the way it is for a specific reason. Ask yourself, if someone were to choose this situation, what would they choose it for? Possible unforseen blessings? Developing deeper virtues? Developing better coping mechanisms? A way to prepare you to help someone dear to you down the road? Write it out as if all these tragedies needed to happen in order for you to become someone even more amzing or get somewhere even better.
Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. Be gentle with yourself because everyone is doing the best they can with what they know at the time.October 30, 2013 at 11:10 am #44589GraceInMotionParticipant
Kinny, I am thankful for your post.. There is much for us to glean from it.November 15, 2013 at 9:52 am #45358
Thank you for your replies! I wanted to post an update. I have been working very hard to just let go and live in each moment. Forgetting everything that has passed, and just be thankful for what I have. It is helping… I do see the changes reflecting even in the people I deal with on a regular basis. I have finally found employment. Having trouble keeping a sitter handy for my itty bitties, but the employer that chose to hire me decided to do so because of my flexibility and ability to shift from situation to situation with great ease. They are working with me as best they can, and I definitely am thankful for that.
I see the changes even in my children… they are much more at ease at home, and not feeding off of my constant stress. They are flourishing at school and quite happy.
As far as the man I was seeing, it’s like a dance right now. Some days we have breakthroughs… where suddenly he has let down his guard and lets me in… Kisses me passionately and laughs with me. Other days he can still be a little distant and awkward. I’ve made the conscious decision to not discuss it at all… and to just enjoy those moments and create memories together. There is no way to know whether things will change for the better over the long term… so I am making a conscious effort NOT to over think any of it. Just breathe, be myself, and flow with each moment. Our lives are still so intertwined. Even this weekend, I have his daughter for 3 days while he is away for military duty. I’ll also have her in the evenings part of the week. There’s really no way to give each other the gift of missing each other right now… So I make sure the moments are not tense, and shift my focus when things become awkward. It’s the only thing I know to do right now.
One day at a time. Always reading. Always learning. And trying to find time to spend by myself so I have that “me time”/down time to reflect and refresh my mind.December 1, 2013 at 8:58 pm #46057B.freedParticipant
Wow, what a challenging situation. I admire your courage for continuing to push forward for not only yourself, but your children! Starting over can feel like such an uphill battle. It sounds like you are wanting this on-again off-again man to really pull through for you and be the emotional rock you so deeply desire. We all need love, but it’s true, we do need to FEEL lovable to BE loveable. I’m not judging your choices at all because I myself have a long track record of “relationships” that have simply strung me along, making me wait for those rare glimpses into their feelings and hearts……….. but beware! Just a suggestion, but I recently read a book called “Women Who Love Too Much”. Check it out. It helped me tremendously and I feel more prepared to find a healthy relatioship once I am ready to date again. Worth a read! 🙂December 9, 2013 at 7:10 am #46463VetAlicParticipant
thankful i’ve read your post..now i can focus on my life back.Break free from my past..thanks..December 9, 2013 at 10:55 am #46467
Thank you all so much for your replies. Yes… I am definitely the woman who loves to much.. with everyone dear to me. I’ll check into that book for sure. I have wanted him to pull through and stand up to be that man. After taking a step back and stopping all of the overfunctioning and focusing on myself… he is coming around, pursuing me again, inviting me over and out on dates often, and even asking me to help by doing some of the things he used to resent me doing. I have had to learn to set boundaries, and only do what is asked of me, if I feel like helping! I still have many obstacles and challenges ahead… and we are still slowly finding our way back to a better couple… communication is more open than ever now on every subject imaginable, except our relationship… as we are still figuring that part out. Its a little soon.
This week I have mediation in the custody case and a possible chance to start recieving child support again and make some changes that could make it more difficult for my ex husband to use the court system to control my life… if mediation or court work in my favor, it could help tremendously to the children and I… as well as my relationship.
This month I’ve been entrusted with house keys again, passwords, and many open conversations about our lives and needs. I’ve been conscious to be present in every moment and go with the flow in my feminine energy state. It is making all the difference in the world!