Forum Replies Created
November 13, 2013 at 8:34 am #45238
You aren’t lost, you are just unaware of where you are. 🙂
How did I do it? Please keep in mind I am still doing it. I am a work in progress. I still make mistakes, I still treat myself without love and compassion and get caught up in my fears but I seem to have developed the ability, something I never had or even realized I was missing, to eventually sort through it all. I pretty much had lived under the idea of “I felt it therefore it was”. I realized how very wrong that was.
The number one thing I started doing was praying at night in bed. At first it was desperate, I was literally begging for help and strength. As I threw my energy out night after night I started to feel differently. A bit of clarity came in. I started to feel the urge to pray for the person who had harmed me the most. I began to see him differently. I see him differently now. I realize what he did had nothing to do with me. To be able to honestly hope that someone who had harmed me so much would find peace and happiness was something I cannot describe. I know with all my heart that the road to peace and happiness is one of compassion and love towards others. Even if those others have deeply harmed you.
I also started trying to create a quiet mind where I could draw in the positive and let the negative pass me by. This was huge for me. I still struggle with this but I am getting better. At first I was just a woman sitting quietly full of loudness. My emotions, my fears, my inner self created a music that was nothing but ear shattering. In time, it started to calm down and I could start to see the pieces of the hellish melody. I started to choose what I kept and what I let go.
I also started reading happy things. I stopped reading the morning news that is so full of heartache. I started to read here quite a bit and Tiny Buddha is the number one part of my morning routine to love myself. Never do I step away without feeling better. Never do I step away without a piece of wisdom that I can put in my toolbox. Gratitude somehow started to fill me.
What should you do? Know that what a person does is their karma. It has nothing to do with us. Also know how we choose to respond to a person’s actions is our karma. We do have control, quite a bit of it, but only over ourselves.
Start loving yourself. Do things that fill you with peace and happiness. Know that loving yourself is the best way to love others. If you are not in a good place, you cannot really be good for anyone else.
How will you know what are your fears and what is your inner self? You just will. The fears start to become clear and you will see they can be dismissed. What resonates from your inner self cannot. Your inner self is not a whim, it is not a reaction to the moment, it is a steady hum that is with you always.
I am heavy with the thought I have provided no answers and only have created more questions. Your answers are out there. Matt touched upon so much that both of us should embrace. My love is with you Daria. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since your first post and you have someone who prays for your peace and happiness. You are so very deserving of it. It will be yours and then you can share it with the world. How could anything be more wonderful than that?November 11, 2013 at 8:35 am #45117
Daria, I read your post soon after it was up but have been out of town and could not reply until I returned. I am so grateful for you sharing because your thoughts and the kind responses have also provided me insight into myself which aid me on my path.
While I can watch a spider spin its web for an hour, I struggle with not reacting quickly to life, especially to negativity. A feeling entered, an emotion presented itself, a piece of my world fell and I immediately moved without thought or reflection. I would feel anxiety and never question where it was coming from and what did it mean. My goal was to be rid of it.
Only after starting meditation, nothing fancy, no instructions or guidelines, it was just an overwhelming desire to quiet myself. I got this overwhelming desire to do this after I starting praying again after many years of forsaking it.
I lovingly suggest you start by just pausing and giving yourself time to sort it out. It took me weeks to just be able to sit quiet without my pain and anxiety flooding in and misdirecting me again. Pushing through this, not giving up on myself, not allowing the negativity to capture me again and again, was one of the greatest gifts I have ever given to myself. It literally changed my whole life.
I hope this makes sense, I so want to properly convey my experience so you perhaps can be helped by it. Love and light to you Daria. All will be well.November 7, 2013 at 7:17 pm #44991
I am a fledgling here. I just realized that happiness doesn’t fall from the sky and that it is a gift I can only give myself through love and compassion. I feel like I am a newborn with all the learning and expanding I am doing on a daily basis.
While I have nothing I can add, I do feel compelled though to say thank you for this thread. Thank you John for sharing and thank you to those that have responded so thoughtfully. It has helped me along my journey and opened me in new ways.
I found this especially personal and am very appreciative for it. When I read it, I felt like a bell had gone off. “Often when we look at ourselves as the genesis of the solution, it creates unnecessary baggage.” Thank you Matt.
Love and light to you all.November 6, 2013 at 8:40 pm #44939
It is anxiety. Don’t ignore it. Listen to it. It is there for a reason. You are not nuts.
I have walked this path and have found great healing at this very website. My readings here led me to other places that provided even more awareness and peace.
I suggest you start your journey here.
Love and light to you. It will all be okay, just as it should be.November 5, 2013 at 7:09 pm #44892
I am so sorry you are suffering so much with this. I will pray for you Kathy.
Are you loving yourself properly? Do you see yourself as the wonderful and blessed person that you are? Do you think your happiness is up to others? Are you validating yourself through others? This is where I would start my work.
In monogamous relationships, no one can accept being cheated on even if they can move forward with their partner after it happens. Your issue goes beyond that though. He hasn’t cheated. You mention nothing that would support this fear of yours in your current relationship. Your boyfriend appears that he is being careful with you and trying not to say something that would upset you or send you over the edge which indicates that he is placing you in a very important place. Let me ask you this though, where does your obsession put him? Are you allowing him to be honest? Are you judging him fairly? Are you putting him in a place of importance?
You are letting your past with being raised by a cheating father to control your present. It isn’t his to control and it isn’t yours to give to anyone else but you. The present is your gift and you are not in a place where you can begin to enjoy it.
There is also a possibility that you are suffering from a mental disorder. There is nothing wrong with this. Have you explored this possibility? Are you overly obsessive or controlling in other areas of your life?
I wish I could be of more help but I seem to have more questions than you do! Love and light to you Kathy!November 3, 2013 at 9:22 am #44784
Sonja, I have been thinking about you.
Your strong reaction to watching your spouse trample on his vows to you is not taking life too seriously. I think you are reacting perfectly normal. His asking “what the big deal is” is a way to deflect from what he has done and to remove his responsibility in it. If the tables had of been turned and he was in your place he would not be asking what the big deal is. He would be feeling it.
I disagree that he was not like this when you two were dating and engaged. Of course he was, you just didn’t get a chance to see it or you chose not to. How successful would he have been in marrying you if he had of shown his true self? How open were you to really seeing him? Perhaps you were his attempt to do things right? In my case, I thought I was the exception to the rule. I was not and when that became apparent, the suffering was overwhelming. I nearly died under the “whys” of it all.
Good people do bad things. We all make mistakes, sometimes huge mistakes such as his. A huge mistake should be isolated though. If this was a mistake on his part, you wouldn’t be here. He would have straightened his act up, thanked the Cosmos for your forgiving nature and that you took him back. Every day you would have seen his remorse and his desire to see you healed from what he had done. That is not the case. He apologizes and does it again. This is a song as old as rhyme to me. If someone has truly made a mistake, it should not happen again. If someone has made a mistake, it does not become a pattern of behavior.
Be thankful you are at home with people who love you. Be glad you aren’t sitting there with two small children. Be glad you aren’t fifty hears old and having to deal with this. It may not feel like it, but time is on your side. So is the Cosmos.
I have a gift for you but you may not see it as that. It took me a long time to understand how powerful a gift it was when I first received it. I have your answer to the “why”. Really. Why did he do this? Why did this happen to you? Because he chose for it to happen. There is nothing more. No grand reason, no mental illness or personality disorder. It all happened because he valued want he wanted over everything else, including you.
I know it seems so very senseless. It is to you, as it should be. I know you are driving yourself crazy over all the possibilities about what was, what is and what it could have been. Do you realize you had no control in this? That his actions are his actions and have nothing to do with you? I have three bits of great wisdom that I would like to ask you to ponder over.
“Do not let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams”. – Unknown
“How people treat you is their karma: how you react is yours.” – Wayne Dyer
“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves”. – Don Miguel Ruiz
It took me well over a year of meditation and self reflection to finally realize that my husband’s behavior was not a reflection of me. His behavior should not determine my self worth. That there was literally nothing I could do or say that would change anything as it was not mine to change to begin with. Most importantly, and I really want you to hear t his, the only person who could bring happiness to me was me. My happiness has never been in another person’s hand. It was in mine the entire time.
I am not going to tell you to stop driving yourself crazy. My road of insanity led me to a road of understanding and self love. More importantly, it led me to a place where the anger disappeared. I would not deny you that as I found it to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
You are so worried over the past (what else did he do) and the future (how will I ever find someone to love me) that you are ignoring the only thing you truly can change and impact…the present. It really is a gift.
I send to you my love and the hope you can gain acceptance of what has happened to you. Remember, we need to accept what has happened but that does not mean we need to agree with it. I pray that you come out on the other end of this free of hatred and full of love. You deserve nothing less. Choose love and not hate.October 31, 2013 at 6:57 am #44664
Jessica, you didn’t misunderstand anything. You should be able to rely on the one that has asked to be “exclusive” and expect a better show of consideration than drunken calls after the fact.
The moment you told him about your grandfather and how upset you were, the right one would have rushed to your side.
From just this simple exchange we have had I can see your greatness. Search out those that will fill you, those of like minds to connect with. Perhaps your friends feel as you do, that there is no place in their relationships for reaching out. Reach out anyways I say, you may find that you do indeed have someone. If you cannot find what you need, you may plant a seed within one of them that grows into something beautiful.
You are so deserving. Journey to find what it is you need.
I send you love, peace and acceptance.October 30, 2013 at 11:10 am #44589
Kinny, I am thankful for your post.. There is much for us to glean from it.October 30, 2013 at 11:07 am #44588
I believe that the emotions we experience are generated from our inner self. I would hazard to guess that your inner self is telling you to take time for yourself, that there is no need to rush anything.
You have just out grown a toxic relationship. What a blessing! Breathe. Cleanse. Heal.
What you see as “not missing him”, I see as you being content alone. That is a very good thing for anyone. It is as it should be.October 30, 2013 at 8:30 am #44571
I am so sorry to hear of your pain regarding your grandfather.
You need to seek out someone to share this with that loves you, not “really likes” you.
You are expecting too much of him and hurting yourself in the process by feeling rejected. Could this also be shifting your emotions about your grandfather to your boyfriend? It is much easier to be angry than it is to feel the immense pain of losing a loved one.
Be gentle and loving to yourself.October 30, 2013 at 6:49 am #44569
You are not cursed, you are blessed. We all are.
Different shades of gray, but the story is the same. I cried for 14 years. The last eighteen months have been hell on earth.
I finally stopped looking for reasons. I finally stopped thinking there had to be something I could do or say that would change all of it. I drove myself mad asking “why” and trying to make sense of it all.
The message from the Cosmos, that I had long ignored, finally got through. There was NOTHING I could do. It wasn’t about what I deserved. It wasn’t about what I gave. My feelings, emotions or thoughts had no place in the matter. It was, has always been, all about him.
Love yourself Sonja, love others and the peace you seek will find you. This horrible ending is the beginning of something wonderful. Go enjoy it.October 16, 2013 at 9:36 pm #43900
If you don’t want to lose him give him what he wants.
If you don’t want to lose yourself and your self respect, you set boundaries and hold your ground as you have done.
Trust me when I say that any other path than what you have already taken would only sour the relationship and could wind up in a sorrow deeper than you could ever realize.