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Need advice! REALLY FAST!!

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #44570
    Jessica
    Participant

    When do you know to cut it off with a guy or talk it out with him?

    I was hit with the news that my grandfather was dying of cancer. He wouldn’t make it passed the end of the month. And for the first time, in a long time, I have wanted to open, to trust someone again to open up… and I wanted to talk to this guy tha tI have been dating for 2 months. He first agreed… then blows me off at the last minute to go hang with his friends, then texts me to ask me to go join him at a night club.

    I haven’t replied to his message yet, personally, I’m freaking pissed off that he blew me off… but not only that, but i wanted to break it off with the guy immediately for choosing to blow off someone who, he supposedly ” really likes”, in their time of need… to go be drunk and happy with his friends….. but as i walked a little, I decided that, that really wouldn’t be a mature thing to do, so I decided to talk to him about it, and tell him what he did wasn’t right, and it hurts my feelings a lot. BUT when he sent me this text to join him in a night club… i’m just back to the idea of dumping his freaking butt… so…

    What should I do?

    #44571
    GraceInMotion
    Participant

    I am so sorry to hear of your pain regarding your grandfather.

    You need to seek out someone to share this with that loves you, not “really likes” you.

    You are expecting too much of him and hurting yourself in the process by feeling rejected. Could this also be shifting your emotions about your grandfather to your boyfriend? It is much easier to be angry than it is to feel the immense pain of losing a loved one.

    Be gentle and loving to yourself.

    #44572
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear Jessica

    I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather.

    I am guessing that what GraceInMotion said is correct. You might be reaching out to the wrong person. I’m sure you have great friends around you that could be there to give you love and support. And if it’s not that guy – or if he is not able to do it yet – focus on yourself and not on him. You have to take care of YOU now.

    I wish you all the best
    Helen

    #44655
    Jessica
    Participant

    Hi, thank you both for your sympathies..

    Yes, I understand now where I went wrong when asking to meet up with him and talk about it to him about something so personal.

    To be honest, its not a shift of emotions. He isn’t my boyfriend, just someone I’m dating at that moment, but things have gotten series between us.

    But as much as I admitted that I have anger, I didn’t want to talk to him angrily. After he texted me with to join him in the night club, I replied back with a No, and how can you ask me that, when you hurt my feelings? He said he was sorry, and that he was drunk. And ends up calling me between 4:40 to 5: 30, 13 times… so he was really drunk.

    But I haven’t recieved word from him yet… This is the only thing that i have ever come close to a boyfriend… I have never had one before and I don;t know how to deal with things like this… I just thought that, maybe after he asked to be exclusive, i just thought that ok, now I can open myself up to him slowly… and that was the first time, I have ever wanted to open up to someone before…

    So I do realize now, what I did was wrong. But now that, THAT is out there… he is the one in the wrong.. and I don’t know how to face something like this. I feel like i deserve to be treated much better since he is the one chasing after me. So, I’m really not sure where to go from here…. Should I text him first and say we need to talk?

    #44656
    Jessica
    Participant

    Thank you.

    But to be honest… My friends aren’t the greatest of people. So… I find it hard to open up… But I can deal with these things alone usually… but since i have someone who… i dont know… i guess i missunderstood things.. You are right. I placed importance on the wrong person. Thank you.

    #44664
    GraceInMotion
    Participant

    Jessica, you didn’t misunderstand anything. You should be able to rely on the one that has asked to be “exclusive” and expect a better show of consideration than drunken calls after the fact.

    The moment you told him about your grandfather and how upset you were, the right one would have rushed to your side.

    From just this simple exchange we have had I can see your greatness. Search out those that will fill you, those of like minds to connect with. Perhaps your friends feel as you do, that there is no place in their relationships for reaching out. Reach out anyways I say, you may find that you do indeed have someone. If you cannot find what you need, you may plant a seed within one of them that grows into something beautiful.

    You are so deserving. Journey to find what it is you need.

    I send you love, peace and acceptance.

    #44666
    Kinny
    Participant

    Jessica,

    I’m sorry about your grandfather.

    Concerning the guy, I don’t see what you did as “wrong.” You learn if you can trust people by trusting them. You gave him an opportunity to be closer and he didn’t even keep his word. There are some people otu there who don’t need to know what’s going on in order to keep their word. Maybe if you told someone else you clicked with they would have happened to be there for you. In this case, you learned that he’s may have good qualities, but being reliable isn’t one of them. That doesn’t make him a horrible person, that’s just something to consider in your interactions with him. As you date more and more people, you’ll see that this is the process of learning to judge someone’s character. You can evaluate what their strengths and values are and start to guess how much you should invest in them.

    As far as how to handle the situation now, I would just state the facts with him. He said he would meet you, he went somewhere else, and then texted as if there were no previous plans. My personal rule that I won’t be exclusive with anyone unless I’m positive that I won’t find anyone who will treat me better. Personally, I would tell him that he’s fun and all, but that I don’t want to be exclusive with someone who says one thing and does another.

    In the meantime, focus on what you need to do for yourself. There are bereavement groups and other people who might understand where you are coming from better.

    #44723
    Helen
    Participant

    Then find someone, maybe in your family or an old friend who you maybe are not in touch with at the moment. I’m sure there is always someone who wants to help you, even if you don’t think so. And remember: you have friends here, who can listen an be there for you.

    Maybe the guy you’re dating feels confused and doesn’t know what to do…just like you? It might be worth a try to reach out to him again. But also, Grace is right, he should have been there in the first place. But men…sometimes they just don’t get it, do they? 🙂

    I wish you all the best during this hard time. You can do it.

    #44778
    Jessica
    Participant

    Hey, I have found someone. That I over looked and shouldn’t have.

    I have reached out to him, but he acted as thought he did not care about what he did, so I ended it with him. I am proud the way I handle the situation that way I did. I was very mature about it and calm.

    #44779
    Jessica
    Participant

    Thank you. :)  

    #44780
    Jessica
    Participant

    Thank you Kinny!

    Yes, you are right, being reliable isn’t one of those qualities. And unfortunately for him, to me that is one of the most important quality in a significant other.

    I met with him on Saturday. And his attitude towards the situation was completely care free. He seemed like he did nothing wrong. So, with him giving me this kind of attitude, I decided that I deserved better than this. So I told him how I felt, and said that I can no longer see him. He was shocked, he asked what he did wrong, and I simply replied that, what he did, how he handled the situation after what he did, and his attitude from then till when we met. And the fact that I had to text him first to get a sorry out of him was completely unacceptable. To me it showed a lack of completely disrespect towards me, and that was the deal breaker. If he would have taken responsibility after he did that, and texted me the next day saying how sorry he was, and asked how am I doing. I would have been more forgiving about it, but the fact the he didn’t…. well… anyways, I’m proud of the way that I handle the situation. 🙂

    Thank you guys for all your input! I really appreciate your thoughts on my situation!

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