November 9, 2013 at 10:26 am #45052
I have been seeing a guy for the past 6 weeks. I got quite close to him fairly quickly as for the first 3 weeks we have seen each other every day and spent weekends together as we have been doing placement in the same town where there was quite small student community. After that we both returned to the city where we’re both studying and kept seeing each other a lot. I told him at the beginning that I don’t usually get so close to guys that quickly (especially sexually) and that I have never had sex before and Im really scared …He was very caring and understanding about it. A week or so ago we finally had sex after which I cried (I just couldn’t hold my emotions). I told him that I am really scared that he will disappear now. After that he cuddled me for ages and said that I shouldn’t be worried cause sex doesn’t change anything between us. We slept together again when we’ve seen each other a couple of days after that. Then, a day after, he broke up with me. He told me that he can’t see our relationship working out because I am going for my placement in January to a different country for 14 weeks and it’s just going to be too difficult as he has done LDR twice before and it never worked out so it’s better to just finish it now. It was such a shock for me that I couldn’t even make myself discuss anything with him, I just burst out crying. I feel really broken-hearted and used… I have so many thoughts in my head which I can’t control. I really don’t want this experience to take a huge emotional toll on me, I don’t want to feel a victim and close myself to another relationship. I have had a really bad dating experience ( I am 25) and I had to push against my fears so much in this relationship. And I still can’t believe it happened. I am so sick of dealing with rejection, I really am. I have been working on myself for the past few years and I got to the stage when I was genuinely happy with my life, myself and thought that I can handle anything (handled a few rejections pretty well already). But now I feel like I went million steps back and I am, again, where I was at the beginning. Not understanding anything and asking myself :what’s wrong with me:(? I have been reading tiny buddha articles for so long now and there amazing so thought that putting my feelings on the forum may help as well…November 10, 2013 at 7:55 am #45090Kewpie dollParticipant
You are not the same, that is the difference. Though you feel shattered right now and feel you are going through the same thing, the difference is you are stronger than before. Every time you get knocked down, the result is more personal strength. It can feel like a cruel test, but it’s actually a lesson to teach you about how strong you really are and about the depths of trust. Think about why you cried after your first time sleeping with him, how subliminally you already did not trust this person’s character. This will lead you to analyse people differently than you had before and help you find someone you feel more trust for. Look closely at a persons character when you move forward. Do they make you feel scared, nervous or like you have to work to hold on to them? Life is fast paced enough without having to worry about the person you love not loving you and supporting you. You will have clearer vision to see the distinction going forward.November 10, 2013 at 12:40 pm #45098
Thank you so much Kewpie for your input and your help. I truly appreciate it! Your response made me think about something…During the past two weeks of this relationship I have been experiencing really strong emotions which I couldn’t quite figure out. I have been enormously scared and anxious. However, I have tried to ignore them and not to make anything out of it. As I have said in the first post, I did not have a good dating experience before and I don’t have a good relationship with my dad, therefore I assigned this fear to the past experiences as I have felt it before as well. I am really struggling with trusting my feelings. I always try to justify them. I don’t know how to differentiate between my ‘gut feeling’ and my fear which is based on previous experiences. Is there any way to distinguish between the two?November 10, 2013 at 12:41 pm #45099
Also, I really like the sentence you wrote : ‘Life is fast paced enough without having to worry about the person you love not loving you and supporting you’. I have written it down in my journal:) Thank you!November 11, 2013 at 2:30 am #45106memmParticipant
I completely agree with Kewpie, every time something difficult happens you get closer to knowing what you really want.
Also about emotions, from my own experience you shouldn’t try to “ignore” them because then they just get bottled up but don’t actually go away, you should try to deal with them through things like meditation or talking to somebody who is good at listening. After your mind is less turbulent you see things a lot clearer. =]
I really recommend watching the Dalai Lama give talks, because he is really very good at explaining these things with a very no-nonsense approach.
November 11, 2013 at 8:35 am #45117GraceInMotionParticipant
- This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by memm.
Daria, I read your post soon after it was up but have been out of town and could not reply until I returned. I am so grateful for you sharing because your thoughts and the kind responses have also provided me insight into myself which aid me on my path.
While I can watch a spider spin its web for an hour, I struggle with not reacting quickly to life, especially to negativity. A feeling entered, an emotion presented itself, a piece of my world fell and I immediately moved without thought or reflection. I would feel anxiety and never question where it was coming from and what did it mean. My goal was to be rid of it.
Only after starting meditation, nothing fancy, no instructions or guidelines, it was just an overwhelming desire to quiet myself. I got this overwhelming desire to do this after I starting praying again after many years of forsaking it.
I lovingly suggest you start by just pausing and giving yourself time to sort it out. It took me weeks to just be able to sit quiet without my pain and anxiety flooding in and misdirecting me again. Pushing through this, not giving up on myself, not allowing the negativity to capture me again and again, was one of the greatest gifts I have ever given to myself. It literally changed my whole life.
I hope this makes sense, I so want to properly convey my experience so you perhaps can be helped by it. Love and light to you Daria. All will be well.November 12, 2013 at 12:56 pm #45176
Thank you Memm and Grace, I really appreciate your replies.
Memm- I agree with you a 100%. I know that keeping emotions in is not healthy and I usually let them out somehow.
What I truly struggle with is conveying them to the person which contributed to the certain emotions. I think I tend to avoid conflict and somehow try to justify to myself that I have no reason to feel it as it is my past experience or I am being silly or unreasonable or something.
Grace, how did you learn to trust yourself? How did you manage to push through this? How do you know whether your emotions are not too influenced by previous experiences ? Are you able to distinguish ‘gut feeling’ from fear? I am sorry for so many questions but they keep popping in my head. It’s either this or I feel very weird emptiness which is difficult to describe..
I feel really lost at the moment:(
Thank you all for your support!November 12, 2013 at 2:25 pm #45186MattParticipant
Thank you for the kind words in the other thread, and I’m sorry for the suffering that you’re experiencing. I admit that i avoided responding to your post at first because I felt anger for him, and know that it clouds whatever loving words I could offer in support. They settled, and a few things came to heart as I reread your words.
It happens often in relationships that sexual tension and attraction are mistaken for love, and as the sex happens, the cup is drained and the sparkle fades. Said differently, I don’t think the guy was intentionally using you, rather he was just bewildered and entranced by desire. Connecting with others, especially romantically, can put us in almost a dreamlike state that unfortunately pops. Sometimes its from sex and the dissipating chi that happens after orgasm, sometimes from seeing our partner’s humanity (such as them getting mean, failing a task or even pooping). It sucks that it worked out that way in this instance for you, but don’t let it turn your heart cold or cynical. There is a lot of beauty and grace to be found in romantic partnerships.
Next time, consider keeping more of your investment on your side of things. Said differently, have sex when you’re ready, when you feel secure, when you want it… let it be a decision between you and your heart. In this situation, it sounds like your heart was depending on a future that was assured, rather than telling you that your body wanted to engage in union with him. Said differently, sex is beautiful and fun, but if our desire to do it is based on a future promise, then we often feel regret because those futures rarely happen the way we envision them. Instead, we can jump in with faith that whatever the outcome, we are doing what we want to do. Then the outcome isn’t as important. For instance, if you could go back to before having sex with him, would you make the same choice? Was the experience itself beautiful and nourishing? Was he gentle and nurturing? Were you awake and yearning? If in hingsight you’d answer no to these, you were perhaps caught up and not listening to your heart.
In terms of the emotions that arose afterward, I was struck by the way you said you were unable to keep your emotions in. There’s no reason to be ashamed of your emotions, they are a precious gift of living! We all have them, and expressing them (hopefully constructively and safely) helps us let go of all the tension that creates them. It was a big shift for you, of course it would be overwhelming! Grace’s kind words were pertinent, be patient and gentle with yourself.
Namaste, sister, may you find love and light.
MattNovember 13, 2013 at 4:48 am #45234Amrish PurohitParticipant
I am really feel sorry for your sufferings. One thing I would like to explain you. Suppose you are driving a vehicle on the road and you encounter a small accident. What will you do? Will you stop driving the vehicle? No, You will take extra care next time while driving the vehicle. You will not stop driving. Can’t you see this as a small accident which needs a more attention! I know it is not that easy.
I would suggest you not to stop believing people. Not every person is same. You will definitly find someone which will take care of you and will help you to come out of this.
You have a healthy beautiful life. Enjoy it. Sex is just like a other biological process, please do not take it on your heart.
Have a great time ahead!
AmrishNovember 13, 2013 at 6:56 am #45237memmParticipant
You can’t really rely on another person to understand how you’re feeling, unfortunately, I think in the end all emotional conflicts are within ourselves and need to be sorted within ourselves. Physically you can be in conflict with somebody else, but emotions are something you have to sort out.
You’re definitely asking a lot of good questions, I really suggest you find somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed for a while and just relax and try to contemplate each one and keep asking questions and looking at things from different viewpoints until you are happy with your discoveries / decisions, then focus on that feeling of clarity. Those are the basics of analytical meditation as I understand it.
The point is not to fight your ideas or emotions but to observe them calmly and think about it all until you reach a point where you’re happy with your answers. You can’t do anything about other people but you can find your own happiness for sure.November 13, 2013 at 8:34 am #45238GraceInMotionParticipant
You aren’t lost, you are just unaware of where you are. 🙂
How did I do it? Please keep in mind I am still doing it. I am a work in progress. I still make mistakes, I still treat myself without love and compassion and get caught up in my fears but I seem to have developed the ability, something I never had or even realized I was missing, to eventually sort through it all. I pretty much had lived under the idea of “I felt it therefore it was”. I realized how very wrong that was.
The number one thing I started doing was praying at night in bed. At first it was desperate, I was literally begging for help and strength. As I threw my energy out night after night I started to feel differently. A bit of clarity came in. I started to feel the urge to pray for the person who had harmed me the most. I began to see him differently. I see him differently now. I realize what he did had nothing to do with me. To be able to honestly hope that someone who had harmed me so much would find peace and happiness was something I cannot describe. I know with all my heart that the road to peace and happiness is one of compassion and love towards others. Even if those others have deeply harmed you.
I also started trying to create a quiet mind where I could draw in the positive and let the negative pass me by. This was huge for me. I still struggle with this but I am getting better. At first I was just a woman sitting quietly full of loudness. My emotions, my fears, my inner self created a music that was nothing but ear shattering. In time, it started to calm down and I could start to see the pieces of the hellish melody. I started to choose what I kept and what I let go.
I also started reading happy things. I stopped reading the morning news that is so full of heartache. I started to read here quite a bit and Tiny Buddha is the number one part of my morning routine to love myself. Never do I step away without feeling better. Never do I step away without a piece of wisdom that I can put in my toolbox. Gratitude somehow started to fill me.
What should you do? Know that what a person does is their karma. It has nothing to do with us. Also know how we choose to respond to a person’s actions is our karma. We do have control, quite a bit of it, but only over ourselves.
Start loving yourself. Do things that fill you with peace and happiness. Know that loving yourself is the best way to love others. If you are not in a good place, you cannot really be good for anyone else.
How will you know what are your fears and what is your inner self? You just will. The fears start to become clear and you will see they can be dismissed. What resonates from your inner self cannot. Your inner self is not a whim, it is not a reaction to the moment, it is a steady hum that is with you always.
I am heavy with the thought I have provided no answers and only have created more questions. Your answers are out there. Matt touched upon so much that both of us should embrace. My love is with you Daria. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since your first post and you have someone who prays for your peace and happiness. You are so very deserving of it. It will be yours and then you can share it with the world. How could anything be more wonderful than that?November 21, 2013 at 1:54 pm #45626
The past two weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster to me. I have been experiencing so many different feelings during the day. I go from waking up anxious, deflated to feeling sad, crying, sometimes feeling this sudden rush of motivation and even a bit of joy which passes quite quickly unfortunately. There is also a feeling which I have realised I have not experienced much in my life or maybe repressed it- anger. I woke up in the middle of the other night angry. Angry at him, or maybe rather angry at the fact that he turned out not to be a person that I thought he was.And yes, I am actually angry that he treated me this way. I know that I cannot expect others to understand how I feel, I think I accepted that now… but the emotions are still there.
I have also been meditating every day with getsomeheadspace (well, trying to as I don’ think I am that great at it lol). But i have noticed that there is one thought that keeps popping in my head and one belief that I am holding onto. It is that what he has done was about ME. That i’m defective in some way or not good enough or if I was more this or less this, this wouldn’t have happened.I am trying to beat myself up for something even though, rationally, I know I have nothing to beat myself up for, but this belief/thought just wouldn’t let go and I keep holding onto it when it comes up.I do know that these thoughts are irrational but I also do know that I do believe them deep down as they keep reappearing.
I have also seen a counsellor and will see him for another four sessions until christmas holidays. He thinks that I am not compassionate enough towards myself and try to fix myself and do not consider the fact that someone else’s actions are not about me…He also asked me one question which I couldn’t give answer for: would you be able to finish a relationship if you’re unhappy in it? And whereas I always thought that I would, I hesitated. I have noticed that I neglect my feelings and emotions. I justify them and find the reasons not to feel them, I feel like they are not important, exaggerated…
Well, in general, it’s been hard:( I am getting a bit tired… But I will keep going and see where it brings me. Thank you, once again, for your support !xxx