October 28, 2013 at 10:19 pm #44484
Hi sonja, i sort of new this wud happen, this guys mind works only at the extreme ends like some bipolar,but more than tht he is not true not even to himself. im very angry for wat he has done. he does feel guilty but he is uncontrollable.you dont desere to be treated like this.you know, im very very broken in life right now,mentally…but you are more important…please take care…and please dont cry ,now , consciously start accepting the realities.you are very wise. dont fear wat will happen tomorrow.stay calm and strong.October 29, 2013 at 3:53 pm #44548
Hi Jaishree – You saw that coming :(? You really seem to understand his personality/attitude well, he is so extreme. He gets extremely happy, angry, listens to music extremely loud, parties extremely hard. If he plays a videogame he has to play for 10 hours, if he goes to the gym he has to workout for 2 hours extreme extreme EXTREME. I on the other hand am moderate everything from food to wine to anything. I wonder if he is guilty, maybe you’re right there are bouts of guilt and sadness on his part and I get emails saying he is crying at work, or constantly thinking about me, begging to be back with me, saying he misses my spot on the bed etc etc. But then all of a sudden something takes over and he goes down some destructive path (picking up women and text messaging them at odd hours of the night, clubbing, drinking, partying etc.)
I’m trying my best to accept the realities I have to now. Otherwise, this will never end this cycle won’t stop. I think you are right he might be bipolar. Or some type of personality disorder 🙁 I tried my best during the relationship. Last year I got him to see a psychologist and he went a few times then stopped. He said he enjoyed going to her I don’t know why he fell off suddenly. She seemed to be working on “self worth” with him…
It is so difficult to get over the years together. Never thought he would end up this way 🙁October 30, 2013 at 6:49 am #44569GraceInMotionParticipant
You are not cursed, you are blessed. We all are.
Different shades of gray, but the story is the same. I cried for 14 years. The last eighteen months have been hell on earth.
I finally stopped looking for reasons. I finally stopped thinking there had to be something I could do or say that would change all of it. I drove myself mad asking “why” and trying to make sense of it all.
The message from the Cosmos, that I had long ignored, finally got through. There was NOTHING I could do. It wasn’t about what I deserved. It wasn’t about what I gave. My feelings, emotions or thoughts had no place in the matter. It was, has always been, all about him.
Love yourself Sonja, love others and the peace you seek will find you. This horrible ending is the beginning of something wonderful. Go enjoy it.October 30, 2013 at 12:44 pm #44601BarbaraParticipant
Im really sorry to hear the latest update. I am dissapointed for you.
What I think is, that he has not learned to live life in a destructive manner – for whatever reason, but I think its best for you not to dwell on the why’s.
What has come to light is that he is not in a position to offer you the stability, love, trust, peaceful relationship that you as a person needs. I dont think his current situatuon would sit well with any women. The main thing is to take the focus off him – and onto you – what do you want ? What do you need ?What can you put up with ? Are you willing to wait to see when he wakes up to himself ? because we dont know when that time will be – and judging by his current behavior, and his unhelpful ways of behaving ( for whatever reason – stress / escapism / immaturity / avpoiding reality / childhood issues ) you could be waiting a long time. He seems in denial and unaware of himslef and the concequences of his actions.
Tomorrow I go and see my councellor / therapist – and I will be saying the above to her also – I will be asking her how can I come to a really firm decision, to either stand by a man who cannot fully be a grown up, or let him go. Im my case he does not have other women (or so I hope) but his issues are , as I said – smoking weed at night and being glassy eyed / drinking / not coming home at a decent time, occasionally till early hours etc. I have to ask – although he is kind, caring, etc, hard working, loving, affectionate, and we do enjoy time together – how can I possibly see a future when he is carrying on such unhelpful, habituall behaviours, and making the realtionship like a bloody endurance test. Im tired, and im not peaceful within this…….he would have to change so radically, that he would have to almost become someone else !!! Or really consciously decide to change these behaviors. And lets be honest……….. Im dreading telling him ”ok we have to split you can take your things as soon as you can etc ” Im afraid Im letting a good thing go – but how can it be that good when it hurts like this. He said the other day ”believe in me ” – but im tired of asking for changes in behavior, tired of being annoyed, stressed, and meditating to get away from the pain ! (although thank god for meditation)
Oh Sonja, – you have no choice – how could you do anything else other than let him go. In your heart wish him well and let him go on the journey – as he best get started, as he has a long and winding road ahead. Maybe we need to do Metta meditaion – and wish them peace, love, and harmony, wish that they find fulfillment not just in pleasure and escapism, but real life, real people with real needs, and let them be happy. Even if they do it in their unskillful way – they have to find their own way to happiness. Im sure if you look you can see that neither of these men are settled, at peace, or calm. My partner is always jumpy, cant relax, has to be doing something. There is no real sense of peace there (unless he is having a splif !! ) Which is sad to me. They deserve to give themselves better, but we cant do it for them. We cant make them see. They deserve inner peace, not to run away from the now – but we cannot change them.
Keep going on your path Sonja – and im truly sorry for you pain. But this is really so much about him, not you at all. He is not able to give you what you , or what a realtionship needs, so we have to say Namaste ”do no harm” and just try as hard as it is to detatch (even though my partner still lives with me I have been nurturing independence and detatchment, through meditation, yoga, walks, cooking, nice candles. ) We have to look after ourselves. And we have to be proud of ourselves for loving, and for trying.
Many hugs and love Sonja
xxxx Take care.October 30, 2013 at 1:00 pm #44602maggieParticipant
There is nothing to think about other than once you have moved on you will find someone else who will love you and put you first and wont put you through something like this. Just keep thinking how amazing that will be.October 31, 2013 at 10:15 am #44679
Thanks for the responses as always they are golden words….
@GraceInMotion – Sorry to hear you have been in a similar situation to me. It is so hard for me not the question “why”, I know it is probably a pointless question but I can’t understand and when I can’t it doesn’t go away. Do I just take life too seriously? Things are a big deal to me. To him things are more casual and “what’s the big deal or it’s not a big deal” often gets thrown at me. I’m passionate and I can only give my love to one man not to numerous people, I find love is special and like a gem. He was NOT like this when we were dating and engaged and not even in the first year of marriage. How after years on end did he change?!?! If the cosmos didn’t want us to get in, in the first place then why did they allow it to happen?
Now he has written me an email to apologize for the way he acted a few days ago. And has asked if he can please see me. Talked about specific beautiful things we were doing together last year. How it is so depressing that things are different now. No situation can be handled maturely and responsibly by my husband. My emotions and feelings and thoughts can’t be handled with care and through loving communication. Instead phrases like “why are you making things up in your head” and “why are you making everything such a big deal”. Makes me realize that my emotions aren’t important or valid to him whatsoever. I am not such an impossible difficult woman to handle 🙁 He just cannot handle me.
I am not trying to toot my own horn here but I have so many talents. I cook gourmet meals, I sew, I paint, I play the piano, I play sports… I have home remedies for any ailment someone might have. I’m multidimensional. I took so much time to pick who I thought was the right man… I didn’t date casually or have flings through my teens or 20s. I have a degree in finance. I am not a bimbo 🙁 Why do I get replaced and cheated on with a bimbo when I leave the country to study! He always used to tell me how I’m old school, the kind of girl Grandma’s would be proud of… Now he goes to clubs and vegas and talks to bimbo girls that probably can’t even spell…. He gets marital advice when I’m out of the country from his ex gf who is very trashy?! How did he become such a low life?
Thank you for saying this horrible ending is the start of something beautiful. I really hope so… I’m so rock bottom right now. I have NO idea how I will meet someone because I am not the type to go on random dates. It will have to magically happen. I don’t like on-line dating (no offence to those who do it), I personally don’t see myself making a profile etc. I realize that everyone will tell me NOT to think of this stuff now. But how can I not? I’m the type of woman who never thought would be divorced, I believe in trying, fixing, communication. How could the person who was SO different before change so drastically????October 31, 2013 at 10:25 am #44680
I cannot believe how effortlessly he lies. It’s like when in doubt LIE, feeling any pressure well just LIE to the other person. Someone holding you back from something well just LIE to them. Your wife doesn’t like you going clubbing with the boys? No matter how much it hurts the other persons mental state. Well just LIE to her. I’m worth so little? The woman who used to PACK his lunch for work. Cook him dinner. I put in A LOT into my marriage. Tried to help him sort through his issues with his parents… Getting entangled with someone like this is so dangerous, I wish men like this came with warning labels.
I was going somewhere with my career before I got married, I lost everything…. All my friends who got married the year before and in 2010 several of us got married, everyone is HAPPY celebrating their anniversaries. Now I’m lonely. I live at home with my parents, I don’t know what era I’ve gone back to.
He is still living in a hotel. His work has him in a hotel since Nov 2012, it is now almost 1 FULL YEAR. He lives an unrealistic life where he doesn’t even have to make his own bed. Everything is paid by the company so he can keep drinking, going out and doesn’t have to worry about expenses. This lifestyle is going to come to an end soon, I’m curious to see how he handles life then….. He won’t be a “rockstar” for long 🙁October 31, 2013 at 11:46 am #44686
i think u do take evrything little more seriously..but thts not the point,…how can someone be so careless towards a wife..?i can imagine such a sweet couple you both were once upon a time. thts a good thing that he will be getting out of the hotel,it will be more clearer to see wat he wants then…he is getting carried away right now……from the beginning i have felt all this he is doing is temporary(a long temoporary..cant think of another word)…and he with all those dumb girls tells me surely he just wants to have fun/take no responsibility…..if this is his character..mostly it wont get better with him…if this is just his adrenaline rush ,(he got bored of life etc etc)…then i strongly feel it will come down…atleast as he grows older…leaving this if/else part…somewhere in my head,intuitively or watever ,i feel this is just a rush ,he wont last long in this state, i dono how and why i feel this way,tht the love is of same strenght from both sides , its just tht u are systematic in life and he is nowhere in the picture of systematic.u have dreams and expectation from life and he has nothing..its a bad pairing..but actually thts how life works really..but what i dont clearly cant seem to place is, how is tht he easily forgets about his love and then after his wrong doings remembers love again(its possible people do it..but im talking abt what leads to such behaviour)…probably remembering u again means a way out of guilt for him or a way to make himself feel better or its like he gets some plus points after all the minus points he got while clubbing…so it just might be tht with some love mixed… but really he shud not be doing this to his love…so it cant be excused….enuf of questions and analyzing now..one thing u can do is…if he emails u or talks to u..just behave like he an acquaintance..just be frendly…give him a feeling tht u have drawn the line…u are closing the relation ship…and he is losing his importance in yr life….its not just for him …its for yr sake also tht im saying… u may just want to wait till jan or something untill u think abt him seriously again…till then just distract yrself into something else…if u can do it..do it for a week and reply wat you feel..October 31, 2013 at 12:06 pm #44687
and finding love again is possible…and its going to be the best thing…but its not so easy…i know even if the greatest love comes to u on its own tomorrow…u will not accept it so easily…but waiting for something to happen is not good…it creates a void untill tht thing happens..so you yourself must fill tht void or not let it happens..one shud be fulfilled with wat they have ..not wait for something…else it will create imbalance in mental strenght..the best way one can stay fulfilled it,,giving out selflessly…i mean helping others,charity ,social work etc..i work for animals..so even though i go thru emotional tornados,my love for animals is greater than my life so i keep going..thts the purpose of my life..October 31, 2013 at 1:03 pm #44688
Dear Jaishree and Barb – I set up another email today email@example.com can you email me offline?November 3, 2013 at 9:22 am #44784GraceInMotionParticipant
Sonja, I have been thinking about you.
Your strong reaction to watching your spouse trample on his vows to you is not taking life too seriously. I think you are reacting perfectly normal. His asking “what the big deal is” is a way to deflect from what he has done and to remove his responsibility in it. If the tables had of been turned and he was in your place he would not be asking what the big deal is. He would be feeling it.
I disagree that he was not like this when you two were dating and engaged. Of course he was, you just didn’t get a chance to see it or you chose not to. How successful would he have been in marrying you if he had of shown his true self? How open were you to really seeing him? Perhaps you were his attempt to do things right? In my case, I thought I was the exception to the rule. I was not and when that became apparent, the suffering was overwhelming. I nearly died under the “whys” of it all.
Good people do bad things. We all make mistakes, sometimes huge mistakes such as his. A huge mistake should be isolated though. If this was a mistake on his part, you wouldn’t be here. He would have straightened his act up, thanked the Cosmos for your forgiving nature and that you took him back. Every day you would have seen his remorse and his desire to see you healed from what he had done. That is not the case. He apologizes and does it again. This is a song as old as rhyme to me. If someone has truly made a mistake, it should not happen again. If someone has made a mistake, it does not become a pattern of behavior.
Be thankful you are at home with people who love you. Be glad you aren’t sitting there with two small children. Be glad you aren’t fifty hears old and having to deal with this. It may not feel like it, but time is on your side. So is the Cosmos.
I have a gift for you but you may not see it as that. It took me a long time to understand how powerful a gift it was when I first received it. I have your answer to the “why”. Really. Why did he do this? Why did this happen to you? Because he chose for it to happen. There is nothing more. No grand reason, no mental illness or personality disorder. It all happened because he valued want he wanted over everything else, including you.
I know it seems so very senseless. It is to you, as it should be. I know you are driving yourself crazy over all the possibilities about what was, what is and what it could have been. Do you realize you had no control in this? That his actions are his actions and have nothing to do with you? I have three bits of great wisdom that I would like to ask you to ponder over.
“Do not let today’s disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow’s dreams”. – Unknown
“How people treat you is their karma: how you react is yours.” – Wayne Dyer
“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves”. – Don Miguel Ruiz
It took me well over a year of meditation and self reflection to finally realize that my husband’s behavior was not a reflection of me. His behavior should not determine my self worth. That there was literally nothing I could do or say that would change anything as it was not mine to change to begin with. Most importantly, and I really want you to hear t his, the only person who could bring happiness to me was me. My happiness has never been in another person’s hand. It was in mine the entire time.
I am not going to tell you to stop driving yourself crazy. My road of insanity led me to a road of understanding and self love. More importantly, it led me to a place where the anger disappeared. I would not deny you that as I found it to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.
You are so worried over the past (what else did he do) and the future (how will I ever find someone to love me) that you are ignoring the only thing you truly can change and impact…the present. It really is a gift.
I send to you my love and the hope you can gain acceptance of what has happened to you. Remember, we need to accept what has happened but that does not mean we need to agree with it. I pray that you come out on the other end of this free of hatred and full of love. You deserve nothing less. Choose love and not hate.November 18, 2013 at 12:07 pm #45449BarbaraParticipant
Im so sorry, for the very very late reply – I have not been on the site for a long while, as I have just been crazy busy in my job this past month.
I will email you tomorrow on the email above, as I really look forward to hearing how you are doing. Im really hoping you are doing well, and staying strong.
Barbs xxNovember 24, 2013 at 8:03 am #45706JaniceCeeParticipant
I am very sorry to read about what happened to you. I know how you feel because something similar happened to me too. Know that you are not alone. Take some time to be by yourself to think through what you want, and take some time to also be with people who love and cherish you. I think no-one can tell you what the right answer is as to what you should do: the answer will come when you’ve had some time to work through your thoughts and emotions. It WILL come out right in the end: have faith and know that you are deserving of love, respect and happiness.
Wishing you much peace & strength,
JaniceCeeNovember 24, 2013 at 6:54 pm #45744
Hi JaniceCee – Thank you for your sweet message. I can tell from your response that you are a beautiful soul. I feel blessed to have met so many on this forum. Sorry to hear something similar happened to you as well, if you don’t mind me asking what was the outcome?
It just is not easy… Not a day goes by where I wonder what is the purpose of all of this. What I can say is that I have grown closer to my higher self and have become more spiritual and I trust in my angels and the Universe that what is best for me will ultimately happen. My intuition is something I will never discount for anyone in the future. It was always right.
Your words of encouragement really mean a lot. I truly want to have someone who is worthy of my pure and honest love. I feel extremely hurt that he has cheated on me even though he is “sorry” and claims he was “clouded” when all this occurred. I went through a lot of pain both physically and mentally at a time where I needed my husband and he was too busy and disinterested and wanted to party, pick up women and live the life of a rockstar. Now he is realizing that it isn’t so fun as he thought it was. Guess he didn’t think of the consequences of his actions.
SoniaNovember 24, 2013 at 7:11 pm #45747
Hi Grace in Motion – thank you for writing to me sending you loads of love back your way. His actions and “not taking life so seriously” is not biting him in the ____. He feels lonely and at a loss, the “single guys” that were his best buddies in the club don’t really care for him, what a surprise lol. I can’t believe he is so naive to actually have to come to come big realization that is so obvious to most people. Those guys only care for him when he is out getting smashed with them and paying for bottle service and nonsense. The way he acted hurt me in a really deep place inside. That can’t just be undone. My parents had to step in to help me at a time when my health was failing and I needed my partner who I took vows with.
LIke you mentioned I am honestly glad that I don’t have children. Deep down inside I’m dying to be a mom but I want to do it right. I’m so glad that the Cosmos are on my side I hope they guide me to a better place… I like how you said it so raw ” There is nothing more. No grand reason, no mental illness or personality disorder. It all happened because he valued want he wanted over everything else, including you.” I am an idiot for thinking there was a bigger reason 🙁 I’ve stopped asking why now. It took me a long time to reach this point. And I feel so much more at peace. I do admit I’m incredibly lonely even though I try my best to keep myself busy. I’m not the bar type of girl or the on-line dating type (not even that I am ready for that). But I spend a lot of time reading, meditating, researching, doing yoga and playing with my crystals which give me such a beautiful boost of positive energy. I wish I had some people to share this with, even some great girlfriends. But my old friends are in a different place in their lives and the ones I know that are single, well I just don’t fit into that wild lifestyle. I wish the ladies who are a part of this forum could just get together and hang out. Everyone seems so BEAUTIFUL inside.
One good thing is I have no anger or hate. I have LOVE and I haven’t given up on all man kind. I’m just hurt that he chose this road because he could of done so much better for himself and for our future. But I have no control over that and trust that the Universe knows what is best….
love and light to all,