Forum Replies Created
November 24, 2013 at 7:11 pm #45747
Hi Grace in Motion – thank you for writing to me sending you loads of love back your way. His actions and “not taking life so seriously” is not biting him in the ____. He feels lonely and at a loss, the “single guys” that were his best buddies in the club don’t really care for him, what a surprise lol. I can’t believe he is so naive to actually have to come to come big realization that is so obvious to most people. Those guys only care for him when he is out getting smashed with them and paying for bottle service and nonsense. The way he acted hurt me in a really deep place inside. That can’t just be undone. My parents had to step in to help me at a time when my health was failing and I needed my partner who I took vows with.
LIke you mentioned I am honestly glad that I don’t have children. Deep down inside I’m dying to be a mom but I want to do it right. I’m so glad that the Cosmos are on my side I hope they guide me to a better place… I like how you said it so raw ” There is nothing more. No grand reason, no mental illness or personality disorder. It all happened because he valued want he wanted over everything else, including you.” I am an idiot for thinking there was a bigger reason 🙁 I’ve stopped asking why now. It took me a long time to reach this point. And I feel so much more at peace. I do admit I’m incredibly lonely even though I try my best to keep myself busy. I’m not the bar type of girl or the on-line dating type (not even that I am ready for that). But I spend a lot of time reading, meditating, researching, doing yoga and playing with my crystals which give me such a beautiful boost of positive energy. I wish I had some people to share this with, even some great girlfriends. But my old friends are in a different place in their lives and the ones I know that are single, well I just don’t fit into that wild lifestyle. I wish the ladies who are a part of this forum could just get together and hang out. Everyone seems so BEAUTIFUL inside.
One good thing is I have no anger or hate. I have LOVE and I haven’t given up on all man kind. I’m just hurt that he chose this road because he could of done so much better for himself and for our future. But I have no control over that and trust that the Universe knows what is best….
love and light to all,
SonjaNovember 24, 2013 at 6:54 pm #45744
Hi JaniceCee – Thank you for your sweet message. I can tell from your response that you are a beautiful soul. I feel blessed to have met so many on this forum. Sorry to hear something similar happened to you as well, if you don’t mind me asking what was the outcome?
It just is not easy… Not a day goes by where I wonder what is the purpose of all of this. What I can say is that I have grown closer to my higher self and have become more spiritual and I trust in my angels and the Universe that what is best for me will ultimately happen. My intuition is something I will never discount for anyone in the future. It was always right.
Your words of encouragement really mean a lot. I truly want to have someone who is worthy of my pure and honest love. I feel extremely hurt that he has cheated on me even though he is “sorry” and claims he was “clouded” when all this occurred. I went through a lot of pain both physically and mentally at a time where I needed my husband and he was too busy and disinterested and wanted to party, pick up women and live the life of a rockstar. Now he is realizing that it isn’t so fun as he thought it was. Guess he didn’t think of the consequences of his actions.
SoniaOctober 31, 2013 at 1:03 pm #44688
Dear Jaishree and Barb – I set up another email today email@example.com can you email me offline?October 31, 2013 at 10:25 am #44680
I cannot believe how effortlessly he lies. It’s like when in doubt LIE, feeling any pressure well just LIE to the other person. Someone holding you back from something well just LIE to them. Your wife doesn’t like you going clubbing with the boys? No matter how much it hurts the other persons mental state. Well just LIE to her. I’m worth so little? The woman who used to PACK his lunch for work. Cook him dinner. I put in A LOT into my marriage. Tried to help him sort through his issues with his parents… Getting entangled with someone like this is so dangerous, I wish men like this came with warning labels.
I was going somewhere with my career before I got married, I lost everything…. All my friends who got married the year before and in 2010 several of us got married, everyone is HAPPY celebrating their anniversaries. Now I’m lonely. I live at home with my parents, I don’t know what era I’ve gone back to.
He is still living in a hotel. His work has him in a hotel since Nov 2012, it is now almost 1 FULL YEAR. He lives an unrealistic life where he doesn’t even have to make his own bed. Everything is paid by the company so he can keep drinking, going out and doesn’t have to worry about expenses. This lifestyle is going to come to an end soon, I’m curious to see how he handles life then….. He won’t be a “rockstar” for long 🙁October 31, 2013 at 10:15 am #44679
Thanks for the responses as always they are golden words….
@GraceInMotion – Sorry to hear you have been in a similar situation to me. It is so hard for me not the question “why”, I know it is probably a pointless question but I can’t understand and when I can’t it doesn’t go away. Do I just take life too seriously? Things are a big deal to me. To him things are more casual and “what’s the big deal or it’s not a big deal” often gets thrown at me. I’m passionate and I can only give my love to one man not to numerous people, I find love is special and like a gem. He was NOT like this when we were dating and engaged and not even in the first year of marriage. How after years on end did he change?!?! If the cosmos didn’t want us to get in, in the first place then why did they allow it to happen?
Now he has written me an email to apologize for the way he acted a few days ago. And has asked if he can please see me. Talked about specific beautiful things we were doing together last year. How it is so depressing that things are different now. No situation can be handled maturely and responsibly by my husband. My emotions and feelings and thoughts can’t be handled with care and through loving communication. Instead phrases like “why are you making things up in your head” and “why are you making everything such a big deal”. Makes me realize that my emotions aren’t important or valid to him whatsoever. I am not such an impossible difficult woman to handle 🙁 He just cannot handle me.
I am not trying to toot my own horn here but I have so many talents. I cook gourmet meals, I sew, I paint, I play the piano, I play sports… I have home remedies for any ailment someone might have. I’m multidimensional. I took so much time to pick who I thought was the right man… I didn’t date casually or have flings through my teens or 20s. I have a degree in finance. I am not a bimbo 🙁 Why do I get replaced and cheated on with a bimbo when I leave the country to study! He always used to tell me how I’m old school, the kind of girl Grandma’s would be proud of… Now he goes to clubs and vegas and talks to bimbo girls that probably can’t even spell…. He gets marital advice when I’m out of the country from his ex gf who is very trashy?! How did he become such a low life?
Thank you for saying this horrible ending is the start of something beautiful. I really hope so… I’m so rock bottom right now. I have NO idea how I will meet someone because I am not the type to go on random dates. It will have to magically happen. I don’t like on-line dating (no offence to those who do it), I personally don’t see myself making a profile etc. I realize that everyone will tell me NOT to think of this stuff now. But how can I not? I’m the type of woman who never thought would be divorced, I believe in trying, fixing, communication. How could the person who was SO different before change so drastically????October 29, 2013 at 3:53 pm #44548
Hi Jaishree – You saw that coming :(? You really seem to understand his personality/attitude well, he is so extreme. He gets extremely happy, angry, listens to music extremely loud, parties extremely hard. If he plays a videogame he has to play for 10 hours, if he goes to the gym he has to workout for 2 hours extreme extreme EXTREME. I on the other hand am moderate everything from food to wine to anything. I wonder if he is guilty, maybe you’re right there are bouts of guilt and sadness on his part and I get emails saying he is crying at work, or constantly thinking about me, begging to be back with me, saying he misses my spot on the bed etc etc. But then all of a sudden something takes over and he goes down some destructive path (picking up women and text messaging them at odd hours of the night, clubbing, drinking, partying etc.)
I’m trying my best to accept the realities I have to now. Otherwise, this will never end this cycle won’t stop. I think you are right he might be bipolar. Or some type of personality disorder 🙁 I tried my best during the relationship. Last year I got him to see a psychologist and he went a few times then stopped. He said he enjoyed going to her I don’t know why he fell off suddenly. She seemed to be working on “self worth” with him…
It is so difficult to get over the years together. Never thought he would end up this way 🙁October 28, 2013 at 12:37 pm #44461
Never mind I got fooled again… I thought there was a “shift” in him that he was “changing” his ways because he himself had pointed out what he is doing that is “wrong” and had proactively emailed me letting me know the realization that he had stumbled upon. He even said that he is hanging around with bad company that influences him to do the wrong things. I bought into all of this last week, I believed in the power of change. Stupid me. It might of been a temporary feeling that he had for a few days, a few days he decided not to go out clubbing and partying that he missed me and reached a few realizations. But it didn’t last…..
Turns out he picked up another girl and got her phone number on the weekend. I had to speak to him today to sort out finances and yet again he manipulated me giving me some cock and bull story that made no sense. Then turned the entire thing on me saying “I make things up in my head”. I’m an intelligent, loyal and kind woman. I do not make up stories in my head! I can’t believe after doing all the things he has done and then begging to be with me he has the audacity to say I make things up in my head…..
Going forward no matter WHAT he emails me with, no matter how believing the story and promises of change…. I will remember that they are mere words. His actions constantly show otherwise. That when he goes out and drinks he forgets me. He will always pick up some womans number and then text her to feel good about himself. He thinks there is nothing wrong with this…. I deserve to be treated better and I will be…. 5 years ends up like this. Yes it does I guess, that is how the story goes. I just asked him out of some respect in his heart for me while we are sorting out and tying up loose ends that he stop messaging other women and picking them up and he tells me I make up stories. I have full access to the phone records which he knows about 🙁 So how can I make stories up when I go off of the facts that I see? He told me I must be seeing things wrong lol….I guess he is so used to lying to my face that it has become second nature he feels zero remorse. The sad thing is I’ve told him he can do whatever he wants just stop trying to be with me at the sametime. Message and pick up women but help by doing his part to end this marriage. He tells me I am again “making up stories in my head” that he really wants to be with me and I’m making everything into the biggest deal ever. I have had to listen to this standard statement be told to me for years, that I make everything a big deal. PIcking up women when you are married isn’t a big deal? Pretending you are single isn’t a big deal?
I hope that karma teaches this man a lesson and that someone does this to him. When I once asked him how would he feel if he was on the receiving end of this he said to me “I hope that never happens”….. WOW… What a thing to say….
I don’t have it in me to treat him the same way I’m not that type of person. I’m the complete opposite of manipulative. But I hope someone is able to do this to him so he knows what it feels like when you treat someone so poorly…..
So hurt yet again….October 24, 2013 at 6:30 pm #44335
Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful message to me. I will try to keep remembering to let the past go, you are right! I hold on to the pain from what has happened. I can’t change the fact that it did happen and that part hurts me deeply. I am slowly finding out each day who I really am and what it is that I deserve. I will say that one lesson I’ve already learnt is “patience”. I don’t think I had a lot of it before this ordeal and now I have had to learn it. Big ticket price to pay for that lesson though 🙂 I value family SO MUCH so this hurts deeply for me….
I do hope that he is able to transform and that we have the opportunity in this life to meet again. But that isn’t in my hands… I’m not able to let go of him – he is deep within me. No matter how much I meditate… He is still etched in my heart.
Who knows what beautiful gift may come out of this situation, with or without him. I am putting all my effort into a small business I am opening. A dream of mine for the past 3 years.October 24, 2013 at 4:13 pm #44328
Totally agree on posting the email online and no your aren’t paranoid. Hmmm I guess I’ll think of how nothing is coming to mind right now.
I’m so happy for you knowing how strong you are and that meditation is helping you and so great that you love your job. A lot of people don’t have jobs they love so that is excellent!
Have a wonderful holiday discovering soul searching! I am sure your higher self will help you and guide you.
Currently I am definitely feeling much stronger but there is this deep ache inside, this pain, this longing. I can’t get that to go away. I know I’ll be okay alone but I can’t shut off the burning deep within my heart. I guess he needs to go on his journey and “figure himself out” and if we are meant to be then somehow that will happen? I don’t know what to say. I feel sad because there is this deep soul connection that doesn’t die, no matter what….
sending you love!October 23, 2013 at 10:34 am #44249
Sending love your way. It feels so wonderful to connect with you beautiful ladies. I have tried to do some meditation and then try asking myself the same questions. I find I am more calm and reacting less on emotions. So hard to do when you have been hurt so much (I still struggle with this). I try prayer too (to the universe or god or whatever you believe in) to help guide me and also do what is best for him. I guess this is my way of sending him love?
I really want the best to work out for both of us (you and me). Seems that we have so much love for these men huh?
I feel sad when I look at his upbringing. Although his parents are not alcoholic or violent at all, they are extremely passive. So passive I feel that is a form of neglect. So he formed an identity for himself early on in life and felt like he could never rely on his parents. Started formulating ideas which aren’t right. His first real relationship was with a female who was violent, abusive verbally and just all around wrong. She actually went to jail after he met me. He would always call me his angel…. Probably because I am the opposite of his ex. He has never had a proper female figure in his life (other than me). So when he met me he kept “screwing up” never knew how to handle me. But his errors were almost like an innocent stupid child in the beginning. He would reach out to my father for guidance in the beginning and he sort of took him under his wing so to speak….. But then when he interacted with the homewrecker he went so far off the deep end…..
Decisions!!! All we can do is be strong and stand up for what is “right”. If these men are meant to be with us they have to raise their consciousness and change their ways. If not then I know personally I will not be around for him.. Even though it hurts me I will have to love him from afar, perhaps be single forever. I cannot love easily. BUt when I love it is with my entire heart. Do you plan on having children with him if you stay with him? I think at the bare minimum he needs to stop the drugs altogether.
I would love for us 3 (you me and Jaishree) to be able to communicate with each other off this forum. I find Jaishree really offers another perspective 🙂 Love to all of you….October 23, 2013 at 9:38 am #44238
Dear Jaishree – I have to share with you what has happened since your msg to me. Yesterday he sent me SO many emails pouring his heart out. Suddenly he seems to have such a “shift”. He is not able to leave me all of a sudden?! He has been crying at work (and he is a professional so this must be hard to do from work with the type of job he has). Imagine a grown man in a suit crying?! I think he is waking up now. How is this possible? What happened all of a sudden.
What you wrote is right “if I let go now his immature mind might get a beating”. “Nothing can match what he had with me” – all of this is now being said by him?! So strange literally you write this message to me and then Oct 21-22 I get messages pouring in from him.
Thank you for saying I am strong. I am I guess but then my love for him doesn’t go away. I just keep praying to god and the Universe to help me and guide me to what is best.
Do people really change? Is it truly possible? Or is he desperate? I am the type of person that believes in the power of change and love but I must do what is right for my overall future. I guess I have to let time pass? I know that this year “2013” is not a good year for me so I don’t want to make any really drastic changes.
I don’t think you are off track Jaishree. You are the only person (other than Abhinand) that has offered a different perspective. …..
My heart is hurting 🙁October 20, 2013 at 10:17 am #44042
Barb – I am happy you shared your situation with me, I read your former post as well to get more background. I do a lot of reading so maybe I can help you? Reading and researching is a coping mechanism for me, when I don’t understand I always want to know why things happen. With my own situation I’ve even busted out psychology text books to understand why he acts the way he does. A lot stems from childhood. What is your (husband/bf’s – not sure if you’re married) childhood and relationship with his parents like? Was he able to “get away” with bad behaviour growing up? For me my husband’s parents are enablers. He never has had to face consequences growing up, he got to make “decisions” even as a teenager because his father is very passive, so he is used to his way or the highway. As a child he grow up being emotionally neglected, so he has some type of need for love that can never be satisfied. He is used to acting like a child and throwing tantrums as an adult. His family will have a big fight and then pretend nothing happened in an hour. So his way of solving problems became similar. He hasn’t had any real relationships prior to me being in his life, he had volatile relationships with girlfriends. All of this has impacted the person he is today! Me personally I’ve had to grow up with consequences, I have respect for my parents etc. In a sense I think if you “put up” with his behaviour then you are in essence being an “enabler” too and he knows he doesn’t have consequences for his actions. I know it is easily said then done. I read Matthew Hussey (relationship advisors quote on men) there are 2 types of men mr. bachelor and mr relationship. Google this to read more about it…. Apparently it doesn’t ever change. I’m not sure what my overall thoughts are on this theory.
What I am personally struggling with is mothering my man for the rest of my life. Is my life purpose to mother someone? I want to have children one day and when I bring them into this world I want to have somewhat of an equal partner (the father) be able to participate in giving this child the best possible life. I don’t want my child to be a product of the same dysfunction that my husband had growing up. How can I achieve this if I have to mother my child(ren) + him? This thought is what keeps me “moving forward into the unknown”. I am also trying to have faith in the universe and god that what is right will occur. If by leaving my husband he changes 180 into a beautiful version of himself and really wants to be with me and values me…then perhaps I will reach a crossroads where I will have to forgive him. But this hasn’t happened yet. I always cling onto a small hope in my heart that it magically happens like a fairytale. I don’t believe in multiple relationships and people aren’t disposable to me. I only wanted to marry once. But what can I do?
I am so sorry to read about what you are facing. Do you personally do drugs? I don’t know how you deal with the weed each night. I am terrified of drugs and I cannot deal with my partner engaging in that behaviour. I am sad to read that men don’t seem to grow up. I’m assuming he is 36 as well? And still engages in this type of early 20s behaviour? I don’t think your Catholic upbringing is the reason you can’t take this reckless behaviour. I’m not Catholic and I personally can’t either. I think perhaps our relationships might be that of “Karmic Relationships” not “Soulmates”. Try to google this if it interests you. Only after you leave the karmic relationship can you open the doors to a soulmate relationship. And you are not too old – 36 isn’t too old! I know how you feel I’m 31 almost 32 and feel scared out of my skin of re-entering the single world. But they say that things can happen quickly. You could meet a beautiful man in less than a year, but only if you close this chapter off. Argh – it isn’t easy. I’m here for you if that helps?October 20, 2013 at 9:53 am #44041
Jaishree – Your post is so helpful. I see what you are saying with people that make hasty decisions, probably from their ego’s and then have to live to regret their haste. I have gone back and forth with my situations a number of times. I guess I do not realize that I am showing strength. I cry so very often I still feel an incredible loss. I have disturbed sleep still, I wake up and always wish I am dreaming. I wish he did not go “so far” it seems so impossible to fix now. And you said something very powerful you mentioned “EFFORT” and that with effort things are possible. I do not see any “effort” on his side. He is so passive and acts only on the 11th hour. Even now I don’t know if he takes this separation very “seriously”. For me if my partner left and separated from me I would want to dig deep to find out what I did, how I can change etc. He is continuing on a destructive path of hanging around with single people and just living day to day.
You said it nicely I can’t stop thinking of the “beautiful times” and how many hopes and dreams we shared together. How we wanted to grow old together and have children. We have a lot in common too. Both love travelling, spending time together, watching documentaries, him helping me cook (he was my sous chef in the kitchen)… Oh boy I’m tearing up now. But Jaishree he always had this underlying need to party and excessively drink. Almost like he has a split personality? There is this one beautiful side that is so loving and then this opposite devilish side that loves sins. And when I am not around the devilish side rears its ugly head. When he goes out with guys he goes crazy and acts like a swinging single. Last year he got himself into such deep trouble on a bachelor party. I never wanted him to go in the first place but once he has his mind set on something I can’t stop him or he feels “restricted” and “resentful”. I am not his mother I’m his wife so I told him if he wants to go it is his decision but it makes me uncomfortable and he said “watch me I’ll be so proper on the trip you’ll see for yourself”. He promised also not to drink on the trip to Vegas because he has a problem with “control” as you can see and it causes me so much stress and anxiety because I love and care for him so much. And yes of course he came back home with a broken knee and said he was drugged. I had to take him to the hospital I became so stressed out I can’t even describe. After everything settled down he could never see what he did as a “big deal” but because of my stress said he won’t go to Vegas anymore. His words are never binding, his promises always fall through. But they are so believing… Maybe he himself believes them but then can’t control himself when the opportunity presents itself.
This part you wrote really sticks with me….”im not asking you to forgive or anything, was wanting to say that you talk to him again n again and get a feel of wat your heart feels or wants”…. Jaishree I’m stuck? My heart still loves him even with everything that has happened but my logical side says “NO” so I guess I feel a battle inside me. When I met him last time to sort through some finances I was in tears the entire time. I guess my soul is still connected and I can’t break that no matter how much logic I use? I am so scared to throw away my life, I am so fearful of this person and the manipulation and lies. I myself am very honest, I don’t do any type of drugs, I don’t like heavy partying. I don’t fit in with the immaturity a big side of him likes. I don’t know what to do. I also am not able to completely say goodbye to him either. I appreciate your advice. No you haven’t said anything hurtful you are offering another opinion and I value that. I am here to “listen” and like you said make a “choice” myself. The part I am worried about is throughout the relationship/marriage I have been the one to make appointments to doctors etc for him and he goes because I tell him to. But then he never continues he just stops. I know what you are trying to say is that he doesn’t know what to do. You are absolutely right he doesn’t know. He doesn’t have anyone to guide him either. His family is not helpful at all. His former bestfriend is not happy with his life choices (what he has done to me) so they don’t really speak too much. He hangs out with the worst company. He is so weak and easily goes on the “wrong path”. It is so hard for me to keep taking care of him and watching him make poor choices. It actually makes me physically sick with stress. That is why I am reluctantly unplugging myself. I have been trying to focus on building my health back up.October 19, 2013 at 9:33 pm #44023
This is true… Honesty, fidelity and respect are the cornerstones of love in my eyes. Also trust is key 🙁 So hard to continue when it is zero. I can only go by actions now instead of words that I hear from him because I can’t trust that it is true. And that is what hurts the actions I’ve seen after everything has come to light makes me sad. The fact that he only stops texting women when I get upset about it and voice it to him. He also continues clubbing and overly drinking 🙁 How are these going to solve the problem at hand.
It seems that everytime he is faced with a problem it is not the problem itself that is the most troubling to me, rather the way he decides to handle it. Or lack of handling the problem. He almost tries to pretend it isn’t there and thinks the problem will go away. That makes me even more frustrated and hurt because it shows a complete lack of responsibility or care toward what has occurred.
When I asked him what does he want he said “to be with you”… I said how after all that has happened do you plan on achieving that? his answer “The storm needs to settle first”. Meaning my emotions and hurt need to just vanish. And I am left in solitude to deal with my emotions. He doesn’t attempt to see me or anything. He hasn’t made any attempts whatsoever to speak to any member of my family (he is really close to my parents). Not one phone call has even been made to them, I can’t believe we were all family and had even gone on a vacation together in Jan of this year. Since this entire ordeal has come to light he just carries on (goes to work, parties, drinks, meet friends). I am puzzled at this behaviour. And also saddened that I don’t seem to mean much to him.
There absolutely is not a “self control button”. Funny enough that was a problem last year too went he couldn’t find his self control button on a bachelor party he went to and came home with a broken knee and drugged. After that he made a promise to me that he wouldn’t be attending any more trips to Vegas. But this year he went on 3 trips to Vegas and all behind my back 🙁 This is why I say I can no longer trust him or his words.
I am still extremely sad inside and many many missing questions, stories and things that don’t add up. My wedding pictures I sometimes look at in shock. How and why did things have to end this badly? Why am I losing my husband to Vegas, women, alcohol and immaturity? Aren’t I worth more to him? Why does he want to throw away his entire life for such silly material things 🙁 My wedding dress is here at my parents house where I now live. It hurts to see all the memories…. I feel so lonely.
Why do I miss him so much even after all of this? I must be a crazy nut 🙁October 19, 2013 at 1:57 pm #44015
Thank you dear Barb and I honestly could feel the hug you sent me. Sending you back love….
Just saying you understand is soothing, my heart hurts so much…. I too agree with you love can conquer all, love is the strongest energy in the Universe. I know that he does love me (on some level I guess). He cries when we meet but he sticks to saying he felt unloved and he wanted to have “FUN” and feel “like the man”. He admitted the last time I saw him that it was selfish but it took him months to admit this. After I found out everything for another month he text messaged a girl he had picked up on a trip and again lied to me when I questioned the phone number I kept seeing. I found out myself that it was a girl he had picked up and she had no clue he was a married man. Is this how a remorseful person would act? Only when I cried about this did he stop messaging her, he didn’t think it was a big deal. He said he wasn’t “doing” anything with her and said he was “drunk” when he messaged her from 2am-5am.
I’m the one that has been cheated on and lied to and even until this date I have not messaged a man. I am not there yet. How can I? I can’t believe that the man I was with for 5 years acts this way.
I think things have only started to sink in to him now, maybe he finally realizes my worth? But he still goes out clubbing and drinking. Although we don’t live together I hear about him. This doesn’t seem right to me.
I agree completely he took a “few extra steps too many”. If he wouldn’t of had the affair maybe I would of let the take itinerary, fake bank account and 2 trips behind my back when I was studying. Although I have to say I feel sick typing this, I can’t believe he did all this to me?! And that our relationship was worth so little……
I guess out of sight out of mind (when I left my worth I was fully taken for granted)….