October 17, 2013 at 9:25 pm #43962
I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my husband for over 5 years – the man who I thought was the love of my life and the future father of my children (don’t have any yet).
I uncovered slowly over the course of this year an incredible amount of lies. It has been a painful process for me because I literally had to uncover the lies like a detective.
It started with 2 trips being booked behind my back (while I was away for a month) and charged to a creditcard that I didn’t know existed and paid out of an account I didn’t know existed either. The trips were with single guys (who he had all of a sudden befriended when I left the country). He spent an enormous amount of money on alcohol, clubs, pool parties etc. My husband picked up women and got their phone numbers as he pretended to be a “single” guy (I found this out through phone records and even spoke to one of the women), partying and clubbing and drinking on weeknights behind my back, again staged as work socials. Keep in mind he is 30 years old. All along I was out of the country studying in a 3rd world country completely oblivious to what he was up to. We kept in touch while I was away with emails and loving phone calls I could NEVER tell something this drastic was going on behind my back….
After I returned back home I could tell he was acting strangely (but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I just felt so crazy inside), my intuition just kept telling me something is really off. Me thinking something was off just made me walk on egg shells because I was worried I would upset him… He even staged a business trip and went away with his single guyfriends during a time when I was sick and had to stay with my parents after I came home. He got caught and that’s when I had to start investigating. The stress of this year started causing physical problems and nagging health issues for me. I’m very energy sensitive so emotional problems manifest into physical problems for me. The worst was after I uncovered all of the above I then found out that he had an affair with an old ex, all while I was out of the country. The sad part is this woman knew he was married and married to me. I am surprised women can be so cruel to their own kind.
Now that everything has come to light he is begging to stay with me and wants to “change”. He claims he wasn’t himself and that he felt unloved by me and that is what sparked all this behaviour. Does this make sense? Feeling unloved means you cheat on someone and lie to them? If you feel unloved does your partner not deserve to be communicated with? I’m so badly hurt I can’t stop crying. I’ve been crying for 4.5 months. Each day when I wake up I still think this is all a bad dream and how could this have happened to someone like me? Someone who is loyal and truthful. The trust is completely gone to say the least. How can someone you know and loved to death treat you like this? How can the person you sleep with and took vows with, someone that you considered family treat you with this type of disrespect? How does a person suddenly change like this after so many years of knowing them? My heart is not able to let go of him. It hurts very badly. Please help me…..October 17, 2013 at 10:54 pm #43971RashmiParticipant
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through… You’re in a difficult place right now but I want you to know that you will get through this! You are not cursed, your life is not cursed. Life has a strange way of unraveling itself you just have to have faith. Sometimes things fall apart for better things to come through. That being said you can’t blame yourself for what happened, you cant blame anyone for what happened. The only person you have total control over is yourself. You can and you will get through this.
Here is a video one of my friends Mika from Loving boldly posted about infidelity in marriages and how to survive it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r1LaoRUdG4
Much love and lightOctober 18, 2013 at 5:22 am #43978AbhinandParticipant
I think you problem is not a serious one. This is a usual thing happening in nowadays life style. There are many reasons for it.But whatever may be the reason, we need to fix it. The main point is there is a quote that “If you seriously love someone, that person should feel free and he/she should have to think of you when he get a spare time from work etc. ” . So one need to behave and love in such a way that utmost pleasure and happiness is already with me and i dont have to wander any more to grab it.
the solution to your issue is let us try a new life.Accept his apologies and give him a chance. Then love him whole heartily so that he cannot even look on another woman just for a fun as he will be criticized in his inner mind that he is doing wrong to his better half.
Then also if he is not changing you no need to worry because, you are not loosing anything, only he looses a person who loves him whole heartily.
So the point is lets begin with positive energy, think you are the super hero.All power is within you,.October 18, 2013 at 9:30 am #43985
Thank you Rashmi and Abhiand…
I will keep trying to remember to have faith in life. Someone told me that his ex that he had an affair with did blackmagic on him and that she is very dark energy? I knew of this woman before I met my husband and I never had a good vibe on her. I am not aware of what blackmagic is but the source who told me is very spiritual and I trust him. So this did spark my curiosity. That led me to believe that maybe I was in fact cursed. He also said that if he was drinking so much his aura field would have holes in them letting in negative energy and leading him on the wrong path. – This is a bit difficult to grasp and I cannot just forgive someone based on these “theories”….
Right now we are separated and don’t live together. Too much has happened where I can’t be myself with him so right at this moment “giving him another chance” is not happening. I do not know what the future holds but currently this isn’t the right time. Even after everything came out in the open regarding what he has done and he was caught red handed. He still continued to text messaging random women at late hours of the night for another month. So how seriously does he even want to remedy the situation? It clearly shows me that I’m really not that important. Or he isn’t taking this seriously. Of course these women have NO idea that he is married/separated. He no longer wears his wedding ring. When questioned he said he was drunk. I am confused why he is acting like a teenager when he is a 30 year old man! He is hanging around with the worst company (all single men)….
I don’t want to just “go back” and run the chance of messing up my entire life. Right now I do not have children and I have another shot at life. In a few more years with him I will not be in the same boat. I am just lost right now… My heart doesn’t want to give up on him but my mind is telling me to take care of my interests given what has happened.
Also everyone around me is warning me to move on with my life without him….. If we are meant to be together he needs to “grow up” and “mature”. Do you think this is possible? If we are meant to be together will the universe/life allow for this?October 18, 2013 at 11:02 am #43992KathyParticipant
I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t even imagine how you feel. I think you should move on…There is no excuse for what he did. If he did it once, I would consider another chance, but he did it more than once. I feel like the only reason he’s sorry is because he got caught. I know this doesn’t take the pain away, but in due time it will. I’m going through a breakup right now and it hurts like hell. I just keep telling myself that in due time the pain will be less and less. I will be so happy when the point comes. I will also be happy when that happens for you as well.October 18, 2013 at 11:02 pm #44003RashmiParticipant
Its okay to not want to get back together with him right now or ever. Dont feel guilty about it and certainly dont feel like you need to decide right now on what you want to do with your life and or your marriage. I suggest you take some time to yourself to figure things out. When the time is right you will know where you stand. Clearly your husband has a lot of issues he needs to deal with and its better if you let him sort it out by himself. For one, it will give him a taste of life without you. If that is what he truly wants, you need to learn to accept it and let it go. The only person you have total control over is yourself. Focus on getting yourself better. You’re strong on your own and whatever it is that you’re going through right now is temporary. Nothing in life is permanent. A few months/ years down the line you will look back at this time and will be forever thankful for what it has brought your life. I went through a similar experience a few years back and now looking back at it all, I can’t help but thank my stars for everything I went through. Like I said life has a way of unraveling itself. There is a reason why things fell apart Sonja…. You may not see it now but one day it will all make sense 🙂October 19, 2013 at 5:15 am #44006
Wow, I had to respond to this one !
I am so sorry for your pain, and I went through feelings of the same nature in a previous relationship , due to the persons inability to think with his brain instead of his nether regions. It is painful, and causes feelings of anger, jealousy, feeling not good enough etc, but it will get better.
The problem here is that, the person is being very self – centered, focusing on their own selfish wish for gratification and pleasure. They are not thinking of you, and how it feels for you, and even if he does – his mind sees his desires as more important. Once trust has been broken to this level – it is very very hard to get it back, and to even trust yourself again (which you will eventually) It gives us that icky feeling of not knowing what is true and what is not – its a truly horrible feeling, but you will find peace again. (try to meditate, bathe, use nice relaxing music,) Remind yourself that this is his issue – not yours. His side, his mess – and it has nothing to do with you. He made those choices (and the feeling unloved excuse is a low effort at trying to deflect from his own disgraceful behavior)
I agree with love can conquer all, and that unconditional love is the ideal way to be, but in that context, the person has to really truly want to change, and to work with you . And on your side, you would have to forgive, and trust – which would be very hard in reality. For me I dont think I would be able to, even if I wanted to. I know I would never rest easy, or feel peaceful, as my human nature / logical side would say that if he has these tendencies, he may do it again.
He went a few steps too far here, in my book. Secret credit cards, singles holidays, hook ups, and affairs with an ex ? He seems to have a boundary problem here – that is completely unacceptable in a monogamous relationship !! (what you thought was a monogamous one) You were doing your part – studying, working – and he seems to have been leading a double life !
Im really sorry if I sound hard hearted – but Im just really finding it hard to imagine trusting this person again.
As for black magic – that is not true ! The only black magic here, was his own dark need to do just what he wanted in those moments of greed, and do as he pleased – without thinking of your pain, or of any concequences.
You sound like a lovely person – and only you can decide, but whatever you decide – this is not about you. It wasnt just a mistake, it was behavior over time, repeated, for as long as he could get away with. Whatever stress / issues he had , does not excuse this behavior. He could have spoken to you if there were issues to discuss, instead of doing this.
Please take care of yourself – be around good people, friends, family, maybe look up a councellor in your area for yourself. (he certainly needs to see someone too ) And please put the idea of black magic out of your mind – these were choices, by a grown adult.
I am really sending you a hug – be good to yourself, and do what makes you happy in your heart. We all deserve peace and happiness.
BarbsOctober 19, 2013 at 10:05 am #44008Joseph LongParticipant
no one is curresed
October 19, 2013 at 11:10 am #44010jaishreeParticipant
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Joseph Long.
I just had to respond. I totally agree with Abhinand. You are currently weak,hurt,very emotional.you are taking a decision because you got hurt.I think a decision is right when its well thought of considering both sides .I understand your feelings esp. when u say he was the love of your life. but i advice you to get calm. stop thinking about the pain he caused you,he did this to you,he did that you n all tht. For now leave the “you” part and think about the the whole relationship,where things started going wrong…whether somewhere,something that you took for granted.this is not finding your faults, this is respecting the fact that we are all humans and not perfect,we dont have to be anyways.But our efforts should be perfect…upto 100%. Effort to love,to live,to forgive,to correct,to restart and live again. Forget about the result but there should be effort put in first before anybody gives up.
Let me remind you human mind is always always inconsistent,changing,like some one called it ‘the drunk monkey’,most people dont have the control over it. So,try to find out if he is/was not strong, weak minded,if he needs help or something.If he does need help then you as the stronger one can provide it. And if he is really bad person then you will know within minutes and then you know he doesnt deserve any chance.You might be able to do this considering the fact that he was the love of your life once. This kind of closure is good. This will bring surety and clarity on all the things.You will be sure about yourself, what you are ,your emotions,your strenght,your weakness,your respect,your life. This is the way you build your strength mentally and in your practical life again,and not by crying,remembering of those times,feeling cheated and feeling pity/sad, and struggling to cheer up again, burying the events,trying to forget things…all that is too hard. Be strong and face your sorrows, you can definitly eliminate them. This is my way of dealing with life ,could help you too.
ThanksOctober 19, 2013 at 1:48 pm #44012
Thank you Jaishree. Yes I am definitely hurt and weak and very emotional and I haven’t really taken any decision per say. I have separated from him and am not living with him, I don’t think that is too drastic. I have been a good wife (loyal, trustworthy and he has always been my priority). I by no means think I am perfect (in terms of you suggesting I should consider both sides) you are right. However, infidelity does not seem fair no matter what I might of done “wrong”. I am always willing to be a better human being each day that I live. But I need communication not cheating and lying as the answer.
It is hard for me to leave “ME” out of the equation and focus on this. Self love is important right? How can I help someone when I have been wounded so badly? For him to get “help” he needs to decide for himself that seeking help is something important to him. I would love if he saw a psychologist for his own growth, despite what happens with me. But I cannot force that upon him.
It is a tall order for me in terms of forgiveness (and yes I do believe overall in unconditional love) however, I am a human too. I have to forgive being repeatedly lied to, lied to when I was sick, sent a fake itinerary for a flight ticket (which must of taken some crafty work to prepare) and given to me when I was sick all so he could go party in Vegas with his single guy friends. Is this really how a married man acts? And this is something I should forgive? If I do am I not giving him the green light that he can do this to me again? Over the last 4.5 months I have suffered incredibly and so has my family who has had to watch me cry and mourn over what has happened.
I should say also that when things finally came to light (ie – he was completely caught red handed for everything). He still continued to text message a woman he had picked up on one of his trips who thought he was single! Is that really how a remorseful person would act?
I am not trying to demonize my husband or ex. However, I’m just stating everything that has happened.
I am the type of person who fights until the very end. I don’t believe on giving up on marriage but I’m tired and exhausted of being treated like this……October 19, 2013 at 1:57 pm #44015
Thank you dear Barb and I honestly could feel the hug you sent me. Sending you back love….
Just saying you understand is soothing, my heart hurts so much…. I too agree with you love can conquer all, love is the strongest energy in the Universe. I know that he does love me (on some level I guess). He cries when we meet but he sticks to saying he felt unloved and he wanted to have “FUN” and feel “like the man”. He admitted the last time I saw him that it was selfish but it took him months to admit this. After I found out everything for another month he text messaged a girl he had picked up on a trip and again lied to me when I questioned the phone number I kept seeing. I found out myself that it was a girl he had picked up and she had no clue he was a married man. Is this how a remorseful person would act? Only when I cried about this did he stop messaging her, he didn’t think it was a big deal. He said he wasn’t “doing” anything with her and said he was “drunk” when he messaged her from 2am-5am.
I’m the one that has been cheated on and lied to and even until this date I have not messaged a man. I am not there yet. How can I? I can’t believe that the man I was with for 5 years acts this way.
I think things have only started to sink in to him now, maybe he finally realizes my worth? But he still goes out clubbing and drinking. Although we don’t live together I hear about him. This doesn’t seem right to me.
I agree completely he took a “few extra steps too many”. If he wouldn’t of had the affair maybe I would of let the take itinerary, fake bank account and 2 trips behind my back when I was studying. Although I have to say I feel sick typing this, I can’t believe he did all this to me?! And that our relationship was worth so little……
I guess out of sight out of mind (when I left my worth I was fully taken for granted)….October 19, 2013 at 3:32 pm #44016
i think you have answered many of your own questions – honesty, fidelity, and respect are things you hold dear – and that is great. You have given him those, and he was careless, and selfish – to the point that he was still in contact with women / a woman when you were clearly suffering, This is not the actions of a man that is able to commit to a marriage – and yet he cries !!! Like a child who hits a child in the school yard and then cries when he is corrected / caught !
Oh dear – I know it is not easy – the pain, the missing, the questions, the sorrow – but it gets better, and you are a good woman – thank God you have no children to complicate matters even more – this is a blessing. If you wish to cut ties, you can do so……and it seems you have begun that.
Again, love and hugs – I think you have really and truly followed your beliefs, and your heart in seperating – he left you with very little choice !!
Feel reassured that this is happenign for a reason – imagine the rest of your life with a man who has no self control button – Oh it would be a serious pain forever ! You are, in my opinion, operating now with a bit of wise self – preservation. Im afraid Im in total disagreement with the people telling you to forgive, to love to try – no ! If he was remorseful, and saw the error of his ways – but he does not – he ”wants to feel like a man” – he needs a kick up the backside (excuse my language – Im Irish !! Ha ! ) He really does not deserve to be in a relationship.
Let him off – to be who he wants – and you stay true to you 🙂 keep going !
barbs xxxx.October 19, 2013 at 9:33 pm #44023
This is true… Honesty, fidelity and respect are the cornerstones of love in my eyes. Also trust is key 🙁 So hard to continue when it is zero. I can only go by actions now instead of words that I hear from him because I can’t trust that it is true. And that is what hurts the actions I’ve seen after everything has come to light makes me sad. The fact that he only stops texting women when I get upset about it and voice it to him. He also continues clubbing and overly drinking 🙁 How are these going to solve the problem at hand.
It seems that everytime he is faced with a problem it is not the problem itself that is the most troubling to me, rather the way he decides to handle it. Or lack of handling the problem. He almost tries to pretend it isn’t there and thinks the problem will go away. That makes me even more frustrated and hurt because it shows a complete lack of responsibility or care toward what has occurred.
When I asked him what does he want he said “to be with you”… I said how after all that has happened do you plan on achieving that? his answer “The storm needs to settle first”. Meaning my emotions and hurt need to just vanish. And I am left in solitude to deal with my emotions. He doesn’t attempt to see me or anything. He hasn’t made any attempts whatsoever to speak to any member of my family (he is really close to my parents). Not one phone call has even been made to them, I can’t believe we were all family and had even gone on a vacation together in Jan of this year. Since this entire ordeal has come to light he just carries on (goes to work, parties, drinks, meet friends). I am puzzled at this behaviour. And also saddened that I don’t seem to mean much to him.
There absolutely is not a “self control button”. Funny enough that was a problem last year too went he couldn’t find his self control button on a bachelor party he went to and came home with a broken knee and drugged. After that he made a promise to me that he wouldn’t be attending any more trips to Vegas. But this year he went on 3 trips to Vegas and all behind my back 🙁 This is why I say I can no longer trust him or his words.
I am still extremely sad inside and many many missing questions, stories and things that don’t add up. My wedding pictures I sometimes look at in shock. How and why did things have to end this badly? Why am I losing my husband to Vegas, women, alcohol and immaturity? Aren’t I worth more to him? Why does he want to throw away his entire life for such silly material things 🙁 My wedding dress is here at my parents house where I now live. It hurts to see all the memories…. I feel so lonely.
Why do I miss him so much even after all of this? I must be a crazy nut 🙁October 19, 2013 at 11:11 pm #44027AlexanderParticipant
Thank god you did not have children with him. lol. Imagine that!
“Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”October 20, 2013 at 3:25 am #44030
Hi Again Sonja,
No , you are not a crazy nut – see it more that you are a kind and loving person, and you are dissapointed that he cannot see what damage he has done – made it impossible for you to go back, in effect. You are sad that it is his loss – that he will not wake up to himself – and I am in exactly the same boat.
Currently, in an irony of all ironies – my partner who came in at 8 am this morning, after a drunken staff night out last night – is in the spare room, I could not have him in the bed near me after his behavior . I will also have to do what you are doing Sonja. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt – but the ‘off’ button does not exist for him. He didnt answer my calls last night and I got about 2 hours sleep from worry and stress, and being upset. He was barely coherent when he came in, and was barely making sense. I trusted, or wanted to believe, that he would come home at a decent hour, or at least wanted to – no, wrong again. I shouted and roared at him, a I was so angry 🙁
He smokes weed every night after work in the garden, does coke about 4 times a year (that I know of ) and generally this causes me pain, discomfort, lack of harmony. It upsets my inner peace, although I try not to let it as much as it used to. He also works 14 hour days. I meditate, look after myself and try to cope – but like you – imagine if we had kids ??? Thank God for that, that we dont, or it would be a whole other world of pain. So what does that tell us – that if we brought kids into this mess, it would not be right, it would not be good for them, or for anybody. So what is there to do only let go ? Let them have the freedom of a single life – as they are clearly not ready for a nice calm one !
Im terified to do it, to tell him to go, and get out of my life – I have been putting it off for so long, as I know I will miss his hugs, him just being there (when he is there ) Im afraid I will regret it (see my thread ‘Decisions’ and ‘decisions again’ – Matt gave me great advice on self care, which has been invalubale in helping me stay sane) and I am afraid I’m too late now at 36 to meet someone – but I HAVE to do it soon – because how long can I carry on with this.
Well done brave sister, say a prayer for me that I can be strong enough to do the right thing also, like you.
Oh I will cry – I will cry, and wail, because I do love him, and I try to make him see sense, but ultimately – he is not capable, currently, and possibly never – of committing and settling in his own skin. That is a pity – as it is a waste. And yet, he said this morning ”I have done nothing wrong”.
We will get there, and well done to you for taking the steps you have – to a happier path that you deserve.