Forum Replies Created
December 13, 2013 at 8:46 am #46686
I agree with everyone. Make your own choices. Even if they are wrong they are yours to make.December 13, 2013 at 8:43 am #46685
Jasmine is right. When one person makes all the sacrifice for a relationship it builds resentment. Listen to your gut. Its always right.
Best of luck!December 13, 2013 at 8:40 am #46684
I think you’re over analyzing the whole situation. There is no hint of desperation or neediness in your email and no way for her to assume anything other than what was implied. Dont worry! Im sure she will get back to you in her own time. She is probably busy. If you dont hear from her, drop her an email in a week or two. In the meantime keep your infatuation in check. The easiest way to do so is to assume she likes you back. When you assume she likes you, you will look confident. If you assume otherwise your actions will come off as desperate. Keep in mind neediness is a state of mind on a specific set of actions. Hope that helps! 🙂December 11, 2013 at 2:15 am #46580
Everyone here makes excellent points. I totally think you guys can break this cycle but it will take lots of work. First of all you need to give him space to sort out his issues and allow yourself to do the same. Let him go. Its hard but you can do it. Take time off to find yourself. You’ve lost yourself in a fused relationship. Find that zest for life you had before you met him. Find fulfillment in your own life, so that your happiness fills you up and flows in to your relationship 🙂
Here’s an article that might help you 🙂
http://lovingboldly.com/blog/how-to-be-independent-in-a-relationship/November 11, 2013 at 10:05 pm #45162
Scott is right. Your worries are stemming from all the negative focusing you’re doing. There is always something to be thankful for. Yes there maybe a lot of death and destruction taking place but there is a lot of good people out there working for a good cause. There is still a lot of good in this world and I believe that it outweighs the bad, the problem is the good that’s been done is not given enough light as the bad. Media solely focuses on the negativity. So its easy to think that the world is bad place. If you can try to get in touch with groups that are working to for a good cause (it could be charity, animal rights, conserving the environment). Meet with them and see how you can also contribute. We can all make a difference, no matter how small our actions are. Worrying gets you no where but when you start focusing on the things to be grateful for you can shift your focus and do something productive with it. It doesnt have to be anything big, start off small like switching off a light bulb that you dont need or turning the tv off and going out side for a walk.November 11, 2013 at 9:13 pm #45161
Thanks Lori! I was just checking the meditation and it looks very interesting. I will be starting it today when I get home. And Blue what you’re going through is actually very common. I have a problem with over thinking too. My anxiety gets a hold of me and I’m left drained after mentally torturing myself over and over again. I am trying very hard to break that habit now as I’ve often come to see that 1) it causes me innumerable amounts of stress 2) often worrying excessively about something only causes it to actually happen. I remember one night, my over thinking got so bad that I actually felt suicidal. It was a never ending stream of thoughts that would not stop no matter how hard I tried. I felt so hopeless. Come the next morning I felt drained, and I was in tears. Now when I start over thinking I start focusing on something else. I watch a movie or anything that will make me stop over thinking. The thing is there is no use trying to be logical with yourself when you’re mind is on a rampage. The more you resist the more the thoughts keep popping up. Its like me telling you to not think about a pink elephant and all your mind is doing is conjuring images of a pink elephant on a uni cycle (at least that’s what I see it doing- and its also holding an umbrella LOL)
Meditation helps a lot to quieten your mind. But you have to be ultra patient with yourself. It’s not going to go away over night. These are habits you’ve trained yourself with for over 20 years. Persistence is the key 🙂November 2, 2013 at 3:06 am #44762
First of all I’m sorry for what you’re going through but Macintosh is right. You need to take yourself out of the picture. Since you guys are still married I assume you cant really cut all contacts with him but you can however limit your contact with him. That means you cannot at any time get intimate with this man.
He has hurt you very much and with his past track record I he doesnt sound like the ideal husband, but if you want him back remember you can easily win this situation because you’re his wife. Unlike the other women you’re the one he married.
Take care of yourself. You’re hurting a lot right now but you will feel better and who knows maybe in time you will learn to see things differently.
Much love and light
RashmiOctober 31, 2013 at 3:41 am #44657
Hey you guys!
Yes its a lot to do with setting your boundaries and learning to say No to people. Sometimes we need to set an example of how we want to be treated. And more often that not that example is set by learning to treat ourselves the right way. When we lead by example, everyone else will follow 🙂
Also you cant please everyone. Learn to respect your boundaries. End of the day, you have to look after yourself. Doing things for other people expecting them to like you or because you want something in return is a bankrupt game (Read more: http://lovingboldly.com/blog/people-pleasers/). I’m glad that you decided to look within yourself to identify this issue. Means you are on the right path. A lot of people would not take that risk. I guess its too much to look within yourself and say “okay I know what I’m doing wrong”. Good thing about owning your actions is that you get to modify behaviors, thoughts and limiting patterns so that you get better results in the future.October 30, 2013 at 9:44 am #44584
Well Nicci where do I begin? Often times when something isnt working for us, its best to start looking inside to understand what it is that we are doing wrong to not get the results that we want to see in life. It takes two to tango and it is by no accident your relationship is the way it is. The current dynamic in your relationship was created by the both of you through your beliefs and actions which obviously controls the way you both interact with each other. That means you need to take responsibility for the role you’ve played in creating the current dynamic in your relationship
Sounds like you suffer from lack of acceptance. That means your suffering is self inflicted. Instead of accepting people and situations for the way it is, you’ve added your own twist to the story. You also suffer from something we refer to as nice girl/guy syndrome. Which basically means you’re nice to people because you expect something in return. Silent contracts you make with yourself are called covert contracts. It is when you do XYZ for someone because you expect ABC from that person. These are not healthy and of course the other person has no clue about these contracts so when they fail to live up to your expectations you start resenting them
Second point, is your victim mentality. You seem to think life is unfair and you’ve been dealt a bad hand in life. When reality that is not the truth. You have total power over how you react to all situations. Responding to life situations instead of reacting gives us power to chose. The power of choice allows us the ability to experience life the way we want to, instead of feeling like we’re spiraling out of control.
I know I sound like a total asshole but I dont think I should sugar coat this for you. It’s a tough wake up call but you’re fed up with how things are now means deep down you know what you’re doing is wrong. I would apologize to this guy if I were you. Sounds like he genuinely cares about you.
Acceptance is a tough pill to swallow but once you break through your limiting beliefs you will be able to have the relationship you want. It takes a lot of patience and a lot of work
Good luck!October 29, 2013 at 2:54 am #44490
LOL I’ve been single for close to a year now, and my closest friends are either married, getting married or in relationships. I’m 25 and people around make me feel like I’m already an old maid. But I dont let it get to me. I always think I love my life exactly the way it is. I wouldnt change anything about it. Even if I have to stay single or decide to remain single, I will make it a good life. Its all in the way you look at it 🙂October 24, 2013 at 3:25 am #44281
Hmm sounds like you guys are in a fused relationship. And I your worries about your relationship are justifiable. There is clearly a loss of passion but I do think your relationship is salvageable. Sounds like you both have lost your purpose in the relationship because you stopped filling yourselves up. It happens to a lot of couples when they stop nurturing and growing by themselves and get so consumed in the relationship, that they end up draining their love meter. Fused relationships are not healthy. You both need to find your focus in life. Find meaning in your life and then only then can you guys build the love and the passion in your relationship.
Here’s some reading material on fused relationships
Hope it helpsOctober 24, 2013 at 3:16 am #44280
You’re spot on about loving yourself first, if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you back? I know you think you’re lonely but you really aren’t. Another key point to remember about your situation is that you should never feel “lonely” I mean its okay to feel “lonely” sometimes but the reason you get in to a relationship should not be to fill a void in your life. I used to do that too. I wanted to be in a relationship because I felt “lonely” then I realized that is never a good enough of a reason to jump in to a relationship. Your life needs to be full of things that keep you happy and engaged. Go for dancing lessons, take an art class, volunteer at a local charity, fill your life with fun and meaningful activities. That way you meet more new people too. More social gatherings mean you get to practice being confident. YOu make great friends and meet potential love interests. Its a great way to boost your self confidence. The more confident and happy you feel the more attractive you become to other people. Relationships cannot fill you up with the love you think you deserve, you need to fill yourself with the love you deserve then it spills out and fills everything else in your life.
Here’s an article to read 🙂
http://lovingboldly.com/blog/your-inner-critic/October 24, 2013 at 2:59 am #44279
Okay for some reason the link didnt get posted. Here you goOctober 24, 2013 at 2:58 am #44278
I can totally relate to your situation though my anxiety stems when ever I open up and be vulnerable with somebody. My situation is not general to everyone, like friends and family. I generally am quite confident and I make friends easily. My anxiety issues rise during relationships. Any time I have to be vulnerable with the other person, my anxiety kicks in, and I start self sabotaging myself. I have fears that prevent me from being accepted and loved for who I am. I seek constant validation and approval. Until I realized that my fear of rejection, the thing I am constantly trying to avoid is the same reason why it is a re-occurring situation in my life. Our brains are programmed to to look for similar situations. It’s a great adaptation since it prevents us from having to think about every situation all the time. So instead our automatic responses take over and similar situations are grouped together. However the problem starts when we start looking for similarities between our previous life experiences and our current life experiences. Anyway after constant struggling I’ve decided to let go and face my fears head on. You come to a point where you decide enough is enough you cant keep your fears from controlling your life. In my case, its being able to experience live my life to the fullest and being able to accept myself for the way I am and loving myself for it. So I let all my fears ago, for better or for worst, I have decided that I will embrace the consequences of my actions. Its better than being afraid every single day. Its hard but you just have to make yourself get out of your comfort zone. The more you are exposed to situations that constantly challenge you to grow, the more you will be to adapt to new situation because you will be forming new thoughts and emotions about your experiences. As you go along you can programme your brain to respond to these situations in a positive light.
Here’s an awesome article that might help you
LIES YOUR INNER CRITIC TELLS YOU
Hope it helps.
🙂October 23, 2013 at 1:57 am #44219
First heartbreak is tough. It’ll take you some time to get over it but my friend you will. First time is always hard but the trick is not to let this situation define you. If you let this situation define yourself worth you will take the baggage on to your next relationship. Take it a day at a time. But make sure you take yourself out of the picture until you get your emotions in check. Plus dont give her the benefit of having you around. She needs to feel the consequences of you not being in her life and the only way she’s going to feel it is if you’re not there to talk to her 16 hours a day. I dunno girls dont necessary talk to a guy she doesnt “like” for 16 hrs a day if she wasnt “into” him. Just the way I see it.
Anyway hope it helps.
p.s. check out our blog when you have the time, I think you might find it useful 🙂 LOVING BOLDLY
Much love and light