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First heartbreak

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  • #44161
    dbuk
    Participant

    My first post, and my first heartbreak. When people said pain I didn’t actually think it would literally feel like pain and feel like this. I am completely broken and bruised, destroyed.

    She was a friend, we became so close, talking up to 16 hours a day, sharing our deepest secrets, discussing everything. Little trips, little plans, all the cuteness. A relationship without the name – which is what we both wanted, due to past reasons for both of us. Then all of a sudden I realised I was in love with her. And, she, she didn’t feel anything back. We talked, and she didn’t want more than what we had, and to be honest neither did I, I just wanted her…but now I was in love. My head was spinning, I couldn’t think straight. I realise this was the first time I have been in love for…I don’t know…maybe 15 years. I am 34, she is 27. I said I was sorry that the friendship couldn’t continue and I needed to break contact. We spoke again a few days ago just so I could make sure there was no bad feeling. I am completely destroyed, only realising I was in love two weeks ago, and then being broken hearted not long after. The love keeps giving me hope, but my brain is fighting with me…as I know it is hopeless. I miss her so much. I am not used to emotions, and this is absolutely killing me. When we last spoke she said she agreed with the distance as talking and seeing each other would just fuel my feelings, and she hoped that one day once I feel happy to see her in her life, single or not, we can chat again and maybe be friends again.

    How long does this pain last? I have no idea how it all works, the stages…the emotions. If I see her again in a month, two months, a year…will it all come back to me? And the hope….is there ever hope for the future…for her? Could the friendship, like it was, happen again?

    #44162
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi, unfortunately, there is no time limit on heart break and it varies from person to person.

    I’ve been there, though, and I can tell you that you will get over it. Try to keep yourself occupied, busy with friends or hobbies, whatever. Don’t let her lack of the same feelings make you feel that you’ve done anything wrong, the feelings could have just been too much for her.

    Take your time to heal, but be sure not to dwell! All of the could have and what if’s can drive you crazy, and I know they’re common in situations such as this. I think taking some time apart from each other is key to help you in moving on, and help your friendship remain for whenever you’re ready.

    Take this time to focus on you so that you can attract the right girl into your life. There will be another you fall in love with, believe me. This is a lesson, proving to you that you’re strong enough to love and endure heart break. It’s setting you up for something amazing, I’m sure of it.

    Best of luck. 🙂

    #44165
    dbuk
    Participant

    Hi Danielle,

    Thanks for the reply. No time limit scares me, to say it hurts rights now…., I literally had to race home from work and have been crying since. Also, the first time I cried over this situation I realised I hadn’t cried for so long I wasn’t 100% how it would work…if I wasn’t crying I technically should have laughed.

    My reasons for not being in love for so long was I was waiting for the ‘right one’, and annoyingly she ticked every box and even created some, I hadn’t expected to have all my boxes ticked. She came out of a couple of bad relationships not so long ago, a year or two, and I think they damaged her. So, of course, I put zero pressure on her. When I fell in love with her, I panicked. I could have kept it quiet and continued the lovely situation…, part of me wishes I did. Just one more day of her time would make me so happy. Not dwelling is so tough. So many memories.

    Proving to myself I am strong enough is not going well. I am now terrified of this pain again. I waited so long to fall in love, hope I haven’t scared myself off it.

    Thanks

    #44167
    Danielle
    Participant

    Everything is still fresh, so it’s all going to seem more dramatic right now. I’m sure in a year, you’re going to look back on this and see why what happened and why it happened this way.

    I know how hard it can be when your mind is consumed by doubt and worry and longing for what once was. But you have to try to remind yourself that this was the card you were dealt this hand, and you have to make the best of it — even if it sucks. You’re a lot stronger than you think, and crying is ok. Don’t try to deny or push away these feelings, accept them, but don’t dwell on them either.

    Honestly, I’m only 29, but something I’ve learned recently is there is no “right one” and categorizing love into different check lists is only a recipe for you to get hurt. I realize that she fulfilled all of your expectations of the “right one” but she’s missing the most important one, which is giving you the love you deserve.

    That being said, you mentioned she had a string of bad relationships which may have damaged her– that doesn’t necessarily mean you will damage her too. Have you expressed to her you know her history and you want to take the time to prove to her not every man will hurt her? Though I obviously don’t know the how everything transpired, or what she said, but it’s a possibility she was scared of jumping into another relationship that she believes will just damage her further, so she repressed her feelings, because it’s easier that way than getting hurt. Again, I don’t know this for a fact, but I do know that I have been guilty of saying opposite of how I feel to protect my heart. And it’s taken a guy with a similar heartbroken history to (slowly) help me to break down the walls. (as I am slowly breaking down his, as well)

    I don’t know what will happen between you and this girl, but I do know that you will make it through it. It won’t be easy, but it will happen.

    #44168
    dbuk
    Participant

    Very fresh. Open wound. A year?! Damn, I can’t face a year of this kind of pain. A week of this sounds brutal.

    She did have a string of bad ones, and I made sure to add no pressure, and also why I panicked when I fell in love with her. She was definitely scared and definitely did not want a relationship (on paper), but I don’t know if it would be wise for me to try to talk to her about it(?). Maybe I will wait until she comes back (she is away at the moment, and back next month), it will give me time to heal, then when she is back….I might meet her for a coffee and just say the door is open, no relationship but the way it was, but would this be bad? So confused.

    Thanks again for the reply and kind words.

    #44169
    Danielle
    Participant

    I think that is a great idea. Good luck.

    #44173
    dbuk
    Participant

    You do? It fills me with dread.

    #44217
    Charlotte
    Participant

    Hi, Sorry to hear the pain you are going through. I have been through similar as my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me via blackberry messenger and I never saw or heard from him again (as he cheated on me and is not married to her).

    It was a horrible horrible pain, I went through tears, begging, writing letters, writing emails, stalking on social media, stalking the girlfriend on social media, going out and getting drunk with my friends, I wrote a farewell letter and then I begun to accept it. Its a pretty hard thing to go through but I thought I really loved him with all my heart but it is only until I met my boyfriend who I now own a house with that I realised that was not love. Not the love I know now.

    This may not help you, but just go with the stages of pain, listen to sad music, write letters (but preferably don’t send them) and talk it over with your friends and you will soon feel ready to move on.

    Thanks my only advice, I don’t regret sending him letters and begging although I am sure I would have come across a lot better and less pathetic if I didn’t. It all helped in the end and hopefully it will help you! I have no need or desire to ever speak to him again, I wish him a happy life in my head but its over, he is not my friend.

    #44219
    Rashmi
    Participant

    First heartbreak is tough. It’ll take you some time to get over it but my friend you will. First time is always hard but the trick is not to let this situation define you. If you let this situation define yourself worth you will take the baggage on to your next relationship. Take it a day at a time. But make sure you take yourself out of the picture until you get your emotions in check. Plus dont give her the benefit of having you around. She needs to feel the consequences of you not being in her life and the only way she’s going to feel it is if you’re not there to talk to her 16 hours a day. I dunno girls dont necessary talk to a guy she doesnt “like” for 16 hrs a day if she wasnt “into” him. Just the way I see it.
    Anyway hope it helps.
    p.s. check out our blog when you have the time, I think you might find it useful 🙂 LOVING BOLDLY
    Much love and light

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