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Feeling like the other woman now

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  • #44715
    Courageous
    Participant

    After being married for 14yrs, I found out that my husband had several affairs for the past years. Even after I found out I forgave him only for him to come back and tell me that he found another woman and he was done with our marriage. He left the house and moved in with this woman. He said that he wants to start fresh with her and not cheat or lie to her. It hurst to hear him say this when he did nothing but the opposite with me.
    I saw him the other day and he wanted to be intimate and said that he would only do this with me bc I’m still his wife. I was so confused that he even asked that. Now I feel like I’m the other woman because he is already lying to his girlfriend. I don’t know why i even want him in my life after all the hurtful things he has done to me.
    I have been nice to him through all this and put my pain to the side in hopes that he will realize that he wants to work things out. I just can’t do this to myself any longer but I dont’ know how to let him go for good. Any advice would be appreciated.

    #44731
    Voila
    Participant

    I am now reminded of a story of a zen master;

    <quote>There was a zen master who enjoyed a good reputation in his community. One day the neighbors came to his door enraged and furious, accusing him of having fathered the child that their teenager was about to bear.

    The zen master said: “Is That So”? The rumors ran wild and the master lost his reputation. A few months later the child was born and the baby was brought to the zen master, who accepted and cared for the child.

    A year later the daughter of the neighbors admitted that the father was actually the butcher of the town. The parents, mortified, went back to the zen master’s house and confessed, apologized and asked for the child back. The zen master said: Is that so? – then returned the baby.</quote>

    I like this story, it arrived in my mind when I read your writing. A metaphor for life. I believe I first read this in a book titled “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle

    #44759
    Macintosh
    Participant

    My advice to you is to go total no contact with your (ex) husband. He chose to go outside the marriage and cheat on you, leave you and is now living with his ‘girlfriend’. You technically on paper are still his wife but on all other levels you are not! You love him and probably want him back but that won’t happen unless you disappear from his life. He made his choice and now he has to NOT have you in his life at all! Let him life life with this OW and see how it is. Once the honeymoon phase of this affair now turned relationship wears thin, he’ll realize what he gave up! One can’t walk out of a marriage and start a new life with someone else so quickly! It’s unhealthy and it won’t last. He is still the same man with her that he has been with you. People don’t change overnight.

    He has hurt you deeply and it’ll take a long time for you to trust him again. That is, if he is worthy of a chance to make things right with you in the future, he has to be on his own and not have a girlfriend anymore!

    Consider talking to a lawyer and let him know that you’re going to file for divorce. *Even if you don’t follow through on this, he doesn’t need to know that!* It may be enough to scare him to see that he IS going to lose you forever and that life with his OW is NOT the life he might think will make him happy. Remember their time together has been in an affair situation only so they’ve not had to deal with ‘real life’ problems or outside influences to test them.

    Take care.

    #44762
    Rashmi
    Participant

    First of all I’m sorry for what you’re going through but Macintosh is right. You need to take yourself out of the picture. Since you guys are still married I assume you cant really cut all contacts with him but you can however limit your contact with him. That means you cannot at any time get intimate with this man.
    He has hurt you very much and with his past track record I he doesnt sound like the ideal husband, but if you want him back remember you can easily win this situation because you’re his wife. Unlike the other women you’re the one he married.
    Take care of yourself. You’re hurting a lot right now but you will feel better and who knows maybe in time you will learn to see things differently.

    Much love and light
    Rashmi

    #44786
    babylaughter
    Participant

    I’ve been in your shoes and in my experience, it’s impossible to have a clear head unless he is out of the picture. I am being redundant, as two others before me already said the same thing. However, I speak from experience. To disconnect your feelings, you need time away from him. Cut off contact or remain attached forever to someone who was and remains dishonest with you. It will take time, but eventually, you will feel whole again.

    #44815
    Courageous
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your comments and advice.
    Deep down I know that cutting off all contact is what I need to do in order to get out of this. However, I’m having a difficult time following thru. It just feels like this heartache is never going to stop and I guess I feel that if i have some type of contact with him I can get by esier. I know that this is not what I need, because he has moved on and has a life with this other person while I’m just hanging there waiting to see when he can talk to me and what not.
    I want to get to a point that I love and appreciate myself. A point where I’m happy being by myself and feel whole and complete. When we were together, I often wondered if “this was it, if this was actually my life” as I didn’t feel fullfilled. However, now that he is gone I want him back in my life even after he didn’t care about my feelings.

    #45044
    Nirvana
    Participant

    Hello there…

    life works in weird and wonderful ways…we often want what we cant have…hence the law of attraction and that can be both the postive and negative…depandant on our emotional state at the time. I do hear that its easier said than done. So try not to resist him or your emotions for him… feel what you are feeling , accept how you feel, let it pass and then move to the next emotion. Love is the greatest healing power, so self love comes first. What Im saying is you need to start resetting your life. press the stop button, fast forward to how you would love to see your life, and write your own rule book for that picture. At this stage you have no idea what the future holds or if you have a place in each others life, yet his life seems more important than yours… You were courageous enough to share your story, and you deserve an applaud, for sharing. Now its time to start making your life more important than his and you start with your own rules for YOU….

    That means NOT cutting him out, for that will attract him, what you resist persists….You must start doing one new thing for you. BE it a hairdo, or a new hobby, just get busy and keep the love and kindness about you towards him. No need for hashness or bitterness, just start doing for YOU….Actions speak louder than words, its time to stop talking and start doing…love yourself more than him for a start and see what self love can do…

    Good luck

    #45088
    Kewpie doll
    Participant

    Take cf yourself, it is a short and simple statement but the only thing you need to do. Every time you allow him in your heart again you take care of him and not yourself.

    My ex husband cheated on me and when I found out I left and he was with her for a year. However I did not know that and continued to try to work things out with him, as he claimed to be desperate to do so. When I found out the real truth, I was spurred by anger and by self love. I called her and told her, called his mom and best friend whohe had also been lying to, and moved across the country to finally end things for good. Dramatic, I know, but I still feel empowered by my self care and love 4 years later!

    Take care!

    #45127
    Scott Cline
    Participant

    What advice would you give to your child if they were in the same situation?

    #45167
    Courageous
    Participant

    @Nirvana Thank you for you comment, very well said. I will start concentrating on me and everything else should fall in place.

    @Scott
    Cline -I always ask myself the the same question, “what would I tell my daughter if she was going through this situation?” The answer I always come with is for her to get out and completely cut him off. However, I have tried and tried time and time again and I just can’t do it.

    #45289
    Macintosh
    Participant

    Even if he came back, how long would he stay? How long would it be before he cheated again? Also, how could you ever fully trust him.

    Your heart is not ready to let go, totally understandable since this is the man you married, had children with, build a life with. It’s a huge loss, a life grieved that you had but your husband threw away.

    Just takes time and there’s no rush to get over him, do cry but make yourself only have certain times to do this. Life has to go on, albeit it’ll be hard and painful, rely on your friends and other family members to keep you busy and distracted.

    I can’t remember, but are you seeking counseling as well? If not, please go.

    Your husband is a serial cheater and is extremely selfish and probably has many narcissistic traits. He just hid them well over the years.

    Saying and doing are two different things, it’s so easy to say I will cut him out, but to actually do it is not easy as you know.

    Time is on your side, but really do your best to not see him anymore. Any communication if need be should be done through email.

    Hugs and I hope you’re feeling better.

    #45488
    Courageous
    Participant

    Thank you @mac09
    You are right he is a serial cheater and even if he was to come back it would take too much to trust him.
    I just need to let him go for good and move on with my life in order to heal and see that better things are waiting out there for me.

    #46921
    Courageous
    Participant

    So it has been about 4 months since my husband and I split up. However, I find myself still stuck in this hell hole unable to climb out.
    I know that now it is my own fault for not cutting him off completely out of my life that I continue to keep that wound open and unable to heal. I have tried time and time again to cut him off and just can’t do it. It only last for a week or so and then I fall for it again. I keep on communication with him even though I know he now has to hide from his girlfriend (they live together) to talk or see me. How can I not value myself and let him treat me this way. I thought that by now I would be ahead in the healing process but i’m not.

    #46922
    Jade
    Participant

    First off, don’t be too hard on yourself for continuing to communicate with him. You know it’s wrong for you, but at the same time you were with him for 14 years, that’s a long time to be with someone and obviously you have shared history and a bond.

    You know you should cut off communication with him, but you keep going back. This means there must be some kind of reward you feel/get by speaking with him again. What is this reward? Belonging? Attention? Is there any way for you to get the same kind of reward from a different situation/person, one that’s much more healthier for you? Take some time to sit down with your emotions, and tease out what positive reinforcement you’re getting that has you in this cycle.

    #46934
    Sarah
    Participant

    Courageous,

    I don’t know how much advice I can give, but I live by a quote I once heard.. “Forget what you want, and remember what you deserve”. I constantly remind myself this when I know someone is bad for me, and all I want is for them to be around me. You deserve to love and appreciate yourself. We all do. While I don’t know your (ex) husband, I can only imagine that he may be unhappy with himself, which might be why he is doing the things he’s doing. He sees that you’re doing well, and not waiting around for him. “The greatest revenge is living a good life”.

    Go one and live the life you’ve always dreamed. Don’t ever settle for anything less then you deserve – and you deserve an unbelievable amount of happiness, and love.

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