Forum Replies Created
December 31, 2013 at 9:01 pm #48087
I’m 30, childless and single. I also find that some of my closest friends are VERY different from me: different religions, ages, locations, sexuality, generations, etc, etc…. It was hard to build these friendships because I had to make time for it. It is also hard to maintain these relationships because I have to make time for it. How do you know if someone will manipulate and use you? You don’t, for the most part. You trust each other and give it time. Time will tell. I wish there was an easier answer all of the time. I wish I had friends who shared more things in common with me sometimes… who lived closer to me, but I have who I have and I am thankful for each moment I get to spend to connect to whoever I can. I wish I had an easier answer, but perhaps it isn’t supposed to be easy because it makes us appreciate who we have in our lives more when we have to work to build a relationship.December 30, 2013 at 11:12 am #47965
Lyla, I, too, have felt in the past that focusing on others helps. However, I also feel that it is a sure way to not have strong enough personal boundaries if you do not focus on yourself at all. You must know your lines/ boundaries. You have to feel uncomfortable and just be to know what hurts and what doesn’t: what you are ok with and what you are not okay with. This way, you can protect yourself from any possible future injustice.
I also agree with Helen. A person can empty and lonely by themselves as well as in the company of others because the feeling is internal, not external.
Resurrecting every negative thing that has happened sounds pretty bad. It sounds like living in the past.
A good place to change is your way of thinking. Think not of what happened in the past so often, but instead of what you appreciate now in the present, even if it includes the other people in your life or not. There has to be something in every moment in your life that comforts you and that you can appreciate: the warmth of the sunlight, the taste of the food you put in your mouth, the mere fact that you are alive and healthy. The problem with negative thoughts is they tend to spiral in our heads out of control and one negative thought becomes a hundred. When you recognize a negative thought or even a thought that you may obsess over, it is important to stop and think to yourself, “Stop! Cancel! I am in charge of my life now!” and then to move on to things you already have and appreciate in the present.December 30, 2013 at 10:55 am #47964
Try not to be too self-absorbed and always doing self-improvement. To be open to new people in your life, you have to make time for them too! Some people have goals in their life those goals often include getting married. They seek for what they do not have. There’s nothing wrong with being a goal-oriented person. However, I agree with you: if you’re happy, why does it matter if you are married or single? Now, there also those who date but who also enjoy the process of it. Whatever you decide: to not be actively seeking a mate but to just be happy, to actively seek external circumstances you do not yet have… or to date but to enjoy the process rather than be overly focused on the results… perhaps coming up with a unique way to enjoy it such as the lady in the TED talk posted above did: She enjoyed graphs and data and collected data on men to increase her chances of finding Mr. Right….Whatever you decide, I wish you joyfulness! 🙂December 30, 2013 at 10:34 am #47961
You don’t have to suffer. Time to move on without them. Change can be painful, but it is worthwhile. To move on, what will you do differently? How will you think differently?November 17, 2013 at 6:09 pm #45415
Lori, I want to thank you for sharing your views. It bothers me a little when my Christian friends try to convert me knowing full well my beliefs. It’s like they don’t accept me for me. After reading your post, I realize that perhaps you are right about the fear. They probably feel like they are at fault if I go to hell and are just trying to be responsible Christians. I’m not sure how to make them worry less about my soul because I am happy as I am and have no intention of taking up any one religion aside from Buddhist philosophies and practicing yoga. Thank you for this perspective.
I want to share my story about releasing traditional beliefs about God. I became a quote “Christian” at age 16 and held traditional beliefs about God before that as well. At age 18, I married a man who became a Baptist preacher and we were married for almost 23 years. I believed people were going to hell if they didn’t accept Jesus Christ as their savior and I believed God was an entity that I had to supplicate for things and my status in eternity was dependent upon how good of a Christian life that I lived. Church services were about preaching us in to feeling guilty and unworthy. We judged ourselves and everyone else.
About five years ago, I discovered “New Thought” and Buddhist beliefs, which felt very good. I began to embrace my own power as a creator and see that we are all one, as God. Judgement was replaced by love and understanding for myself and others and the separation that I felt from others began to dissolve. But, letting go of the belief in hell was the hardest thing to release. It meant that I had been wrong for all those years. Later, I realized there is no right and wrong or good and evil. After about a year of maintaining my new beliefs, I was still holding on to the belief in hell and Jesus being a Savior for our sins.
Then, one day I had a break-through and I have never had a moment of doubt since then. I was out of work at the time and was going to food banks for free food. The food was usually distributed by churches. As I was waiting this particular day to receive my food donation, one of the church workers put on a demonstration for myself and another person who was waiting. She cut out figures of the the crosses from folded up paper, as she told the story of the crucifixion and how Jesus died for “our sins” and that if we didn’t accept his as our savior, we would go to hell. Then, she asked us if we went to hell, whose fault would it be. The woman with me said, “Our fault”. I had an amazing moment of clarity as I saw so clearly how the gospel message is one of fear. I could see that the woman sharing the message was sharing it because she was afraid we would go to hell and that if she didn’t tell us, it would be her “fault”.
I am so glad I am free from the fearful and guilt-based beliefs of traditional Christianity. I do believe Christ came to humanity for reasons other than Christianity proposes. I believe he came to teach us about the abundant life and that we are light and powerful creators. The Bible says, “Let this mind be in you, which was in Christ Jesus, who thought it not robbery to be equal with God”. He was crucified because he said he was God. There it is, as crystal clear as it can be. We are One with God. We are all equal to God. All of us together make up God. And, we have the power to do miracles just like Christ did.
The Bible has some great truths in it that were written from inspired authors. And, some of it is written from the ego nature that is fearful. We get to choose love or a God who punishes people in a burning hell. My choice has brought me the fruits of the spirit that the bible talks about, “love, joy, peace, gentleness, goodness, allowing, faith, and self-control.
November 10, 2013 at 8:26 pm #45104
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by babylaughter.
Wow. Tough times indeed! It sounds to me you have several options:
a). Face the fear of leaving a boyfriend who you claim still doesn’t love you despite your sacrifices and move in with your dad where you can rest and do art until you figure out life.
b). Face the fear of trusting strangers on craigslist and find someone to move in through the internet.
c). Move to Hawaii and face the legitimate fear of risking running out of money.
At this point, unless something else comes up, you’ll have to face one of your fears because your body, mind and spirit has already told you that you can’t take any more of the current environment you are in and you are very obviously consciously of what is going on.
I know times seem tough right now, but things are going to work out one way or the other if you make it happen. You must have faith. 🙂 Where there’s will, there’s a way. I have faith in you! You are going to choose a new life that works for you and you will be happy! It’s going to hurt to leave him, run away or to have to depend on strangers; but that’s life. You clearly need a change, so whatever you choose will do you good.
It’s hard to leave the side of someone you love, but are you really going to live without making a change you clearly want? Why choose such a tortured existence to support someone who does not love you back and risk another breakdown?
In light of the fact that you do not have transportation, perhaps it would be wisest to move somewhere you could go to work, social activities, perhaps school, groceries somewhere where you are either within walking distance or there’s good public transportation. Also, being with family such as your dad isn’t a bad place to figure your life out (assuming your dad is a dependable guy)…. You know your dad and he isn’t a stranger. Small towns are good for figuring things out because you have quiet and your own thoughts, which you can also put into your art.
When I left my ex, I was able to find places to live and jobs in less than a week. This has happened twice in my life, and I was able to find better jobs and comfortable living arrangements each time. When times are tough/ dark, it’s just time to move on. When one door closes, go kick some other doors down! You can do this! 🙂
Also, don’t be so hard on yourself! I am sure you can take care of a child! You supported your boyfriend just as a mother would do! 🙂
Peace be with you!November 3, 2013 at 3:00 pm #44787
School was always tough for me from elementary to now. I failed a ton of classes and thought about dropping out programs many times. However, with tenacity, dreams do come true. Every time I failed a class, I took it over….Like Edison and his light bulb. Edsion said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10000 ways that won’t work.” Now, I have my MS and a few other degrees and certifications. I continue to work on certifications. I continue to fail and I continue to question if I want all of this badly enough to suffer through it all. “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts,” said Winston Churchill. With that thought, I trudge on and hope that you will choose the best path for yourself as well. The results never look the way we think they will, so it’s important to enjoy the everyday process; because once you get to the end, another door with more roads await. Better enjoy what you have now. Find something, some aspect of your every day life to make going to class something you can smile about! Even if you have to talk to your classmates in a funny accent to confuse them to make yourself laugh or if you have to find diligent study partners to make study time more enjoyable. You can record the lectures on an audio device, use nice/ colorful pens to write your notes, study somewhere fun…It always helps me to study at a Starbucks. As Aurora notes, it’s important to take breaks so that you won’t burn out. Good luck!November 3, 2013 at 2:46 pm #44786
I’ve been in your shoes and in my experience, it’s impossible to have a clear head unless he is out of the picture. I am being redundant, as two others before me already said the same thing. However, I speak from experience. To disconnect your feelings, you need time away from him. Cut off contact or remain attached forever to someone who was and remains dishonest with you. It will take time, but eventually, you will feel whole again.November 3, 2013 at 11:36 am #44785
I actually think I have some kind of addiction to taking classes. I can’t juggle work and school but I make myself do it any way even though I have more than enough of an education. The result is no time or money for a social life and a ton of stress and student loans unpaid. I was married from 2003 to 2007, which means I have been divorced for 6 years now. In that six years, I only dated one guy that I even considered having a serious relationship with and that only lasted for maybe 6 months, if that. However, I want to finish what I started, so I am going to finish the two school programs I am in now. The only other thing besides the two things I’m studying now I still want to study is photography, but I’d rather study that on my own rather than enter another formal program because I have enough stress trying to fit everything I am on my budget and into my schedule. That’s why I’m probably still single. I have no desire to fit more into my schedule and relationships are quite time-consuming. If I truly wanted most of my stress to end, I would drop out of both school programs and concentrate on work and home life. I could use my spare time and money for people such as socializing, but I haven’t done that, so maybe I just don’t want a relationship bad enough. Relationships and dating are more of a some day, maybe. I need to finish what I’ve started first before commencing new endeavors.October 26, 2013 at 9:06 am #44384
I think it is courageous and wonderful that you are trying to change something that’s been part of you since you were 8 or younger: your anger. It will be a lot of work, but you sound motivated to face this challenge!
That said, I also think it is very unwise of your fiance to remain so close to you when you are angry. Even when one puts a tantrumming angry child in a corner, you walk away! There is NO rational discussion when we are in our reptilian flight or fight angry phase! He needs to walk away and wait until you calm down and approach him when your rational state has returned! It is unsafe and impractical for him to be nearby!
It seems that although you are externalizing your anger by directing it at objects and finace, you have a lot anger towards yourself and and your family from when you were 8 and it’s bottled up. It just explodes when you see small things around the home that bother you. I would try a little self-compassion towards yourself to alleviate some of that anger. http://www.self-compassion.org/ Counting is definitely difficult to do in the heat of the moment. Have you tried something more active such as going for a walk by yourself? It would get you fresh air and time away from your fiance as well. Do you journal? Writing can be very calming. Yoga and meditation using a mantra and mula beads along with aromatherapy helps me too.
In addition to your anger, you’ve quit your job and stopped exercising. It may be difficult, but exercise and healthy diet are crucial to your mood. Would your fiance or someone else you know be willing to exercise with you to keep you on the exercise routine? Have you sought professional help to treat your depression? It may be difficult to get through the anger when you’ve got such depression going on. You may want to try treating that first.
Be patient. All of your emotions will take time to process so even though you want to change, it won’t happen overnight!October 26, 2013 at 8:30 am #44383
I love hiking! Just think! If we had a husband and kids, there’d be a lot less hiking going on! Thanks for your input, Lindsay! 🙂
Life is unpredictable! 🙂 Only time will tell what else the future will bring aside from hiking! 😉October 25, 2013 at 7:50 pm #44364
Thanks Barbs! I guess I get impatient sometimes! Need to meditate more! Lol! I do love my life and need reminders not to compare it with that of others. You’re right. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.October 25, 2013 at 11:16 am #44357
Thanks! You’re right! Why make myself miserable by wanting what I don’t have when I feel content with life as it is? So what if I am getting older? Why let society attribute so much value to youth? Life can be enjoyed young or old, single or not.
It must be frustrating to be in your shoes: hormonal in the 20s and not have sexual activity. However, be careful what you wish for. Relationships are complicated and sex is overrated: a moment of orgasm and then it’s over. That moment can ruin your whole life if you get involved with the wrong person, get an STD or pregnant. There’s simplicity in the single life: one person to please only. Exercise and socialization help with balancing stimulation. You can also try traveling. I find that stimulating.October 25, 2013 at 10:48 am #44356
You set your own value. If you compare yourself to your peers, you set up a value system. If you choose to go by your mother’s words, that is also a value you set for yourself. Obviously, you aren’t very happy with the value system you have for yourself because deep down, you know you are worth more. Stop comparing yourself to others. Think of things to be grateful for often. Journal about your gratitudes if that helps or you can pray or meditate about it. Spend time with positive people. Positivity can be contagious! Make lists of things you like about you or things that you enjoy and make you laugh or smile. Set a goal and instead of worrying whether this goal is your purpose, let the goal change over time and let it change you. Adapt to whatever comes along. All of this takes time, but it’s all doable! 🙂
Personally, I find Patanjali’s yoga sutras and Mollyecue’s Buddha Doodles to be very positive and inspiring daily! However, this may not be what makes you smile and feel at peace, but I am sure there is something for you with exploration. Explore and enjoy, but don’t frustrate yourself with endless search because there’s always something to be happy about in the present. Even people living in the trash dumps of India can smile, so there is no reason you can’t.October 25, 2013 at 10:38 am #44354
Every time so many changes/ rocks are thrown at one at once, one feels suffering. However, it always surprises me how easy it is to recreate one’s life as you process what’s happened. This book helped me a lot: http://www.amazon.com/Things-When-Your-Falls-Apart/dp/1577316983/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382722291&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+life+falls+apart
The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart: An Emotional and Spiritual Handbook Paperback
by Daphne Rose Kingma
Hang in there, Darius! A new purpose will reveal itself to you!