Home→Forums→Tough Times→I feel like I've lost everything
- This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 11 months ago by Isabelle.
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October 25, 2013 at 6:35 am #44343DariusParticipant
First a little background. I’m in my thirties, I have IT experience, and until september I thought I had it all figured out. I was planning to move abroad with my wife, and start new life there. Since we did not have kids, we were planning to adopt later on, or go to a fertility clinic.
I was planning to move abroad with my wife, however it appears that she had different plans, and left me early september, while I was away on a training. Later that month my mother died, and I lost my job.
Now I feel like I don’t have a purpose anymore. I don’t have close family, I can’t talk to my wife to sort things out, because she severed all contact with me and moved to different country. I don’t even know why she did that, she never told me. Every time when I tried to talk to her before, if there are any problems, she always said that there are none. Last time I’ve spoken with her is a day before she left, and everything was ok then as well.
I think I should continue with my life, but as I said, I don’t see a reason to do so anymore.October 25, 2013 at 9:16 am #44345JohnParticipantHey Darius,
I feel for you. Life has definitely thrown you a curve ball.
When your identity is so attached to roles like “husband”, “son”, “employee”, “citizen of country X”, if for whatever reason those things change or are taken away from you, you might feel life has no purpose or meaning. But that’s not true. You are more than those things and it’s just a matter to discover the real you. The one who isn’t defined by your career, your relationship, your source of income, or where you live. You’re connected to those things, but your not tied to them. They’re all impermanent and can flow in and out of your life slowly or flip-on/off like a light switch, as in your case.
There’s a special opportunity to here for you to find a new source of meaning and purpose and that is within you. And when you discover how fluid and ever changing you are as individual, future obstacles, twists, and turns, will have less of a debilitating impact.
I’ve been there before and I can understand the pain and suffering you’re experiencing, but, as with all things, this too shall pass.
October 25, 2013 at 10:38 am #44354babylaughterParticipantEvery time so many changes/ rocks are thrown at one at once, one feels suffering. However, it always surprises me how easy it is to recreate one’s life as you process what’s happened. This book helped me a lot: http://www.amazon.com/Things-When-Your-Falls-Apart/dp/1577316983/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382722291&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+life+falls+apart
The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart: An Emotional and Spiritual Handbook Paperback
by Daphne Rose Kingma
Hang in there, Darius! A new purpose will reveal itself to you!October 26, 2013 at 8:09 pm #44399LindsayParticipantThat’s a lot crashing down on you at once. And I think it is totally okay (and even healthy) to acknowledge that you are sad and struggling. Things are going to be rough for a little while. But you do have some serious potential for greatness right now.
First, I’m sorry about your mom.
Second, I’m sure you loved your wife and were really looking forward to moving abroad with her and have a new adventure. And I’m sure you miss her and are confused and hurt by her disappearing act. But her disappearance is entirely about her, not about you and not about your relationship. She hasn’t been honest with you about her feelings, her life, who she is, or what she wants from a relationship or life. Unless she was in serious physical danger from you (which I’m doubting), leaving you without warning indicates a high level of deception on her part. And now you have the chance to find someone who is open and welcoming, can trust and be trusted, can be vulnerable with you and can embrace your vulnerabilities. It may take a while to get back on your feet… in the mean time, be gentle with yourself. Experience the full range of emotions. And take this time to reconnect with yourself. Once you do, in time, I think you’ll find someone that you didn’t think was possible.
Also take this time to think about whether you loved your job. If so, awesome! That will shine through in your interviews. If not, accept that you might need to take a “bridge job” to pay the bills while you pursue something you love. If you don’t have any clue what that is, try some new things!
Sorry if this sounds like a lame pep talk. I’m not trying to give you the “buck up” speech. I just really think that you have been deceived and you have been accepting a crappy situation for a long time. So long, in fact, that you might not even see how bad the relationship was. And that you may have no idea what possibilities are out there for your future. It’ll take time to muddle through. But I really think you’ll end up much better off than you thought possible. Good luck.
October 27, 2013 at 10:40 am #44409DariusParticipantThank all of you for those sound words, and I’ll definitely make use of the recommended book. What bothers me most is that I could never suspect that my wife is planning on leaving. Not so long ago we were making plans for the future. I guess it will take time to figure out what’s next.
October 27, 2013 at 1:35 pm #44416IsabelleParticipantI can empathise with you so much, and I am really sorry to hear what you are going through, as I am going through similar feelings. I left my country in order to marry my husband in another country, country which is under-developed and very poor. I, however, didn’t care as my husband and I had made so many plans and I decided to be with him and change my life. A few months into the marriage, he abandoned me and stole from me, I forgave him and took him back, he apologised. He did it once again, but worse this time, as I was very ill, knew nobody and was left with nothing. He apologised again, I called him, I took him back. Third time, I was left completely taken aback, when he did the same thing, and things were getting worse as I had no family, no friends in this country and I was getting worse physically.
He abandoned me after I left everything for him, I felt that I sacrificed so much to be with him, and this is how he repaid me, by betraying my trust and leaving me to fend for myself in a foreign country. I eventually went home to have operations, but had to come back to the country as I have legal issued to sort out. I just feel in limbo, for the last 2 years I have been living in suitcases and boxes. Now I am back where I met my ex husband, I don’t know what I am doing, I still feel confused, I find it difficult to trust again, and feel so stup[id for allowing him to do this 3 times. I often wonder why I allowed him to betray me and abandon me 3 times. Was it because I was in love with him (so I thought) or because I needed him, once I was in his country? I feel for you, as I am still feeling sad and upset and angry at myself, for forgiving him so many times.
Take care
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