October 26, 2013 at 12:24 am #44376SufiParticipant
Hello dear readers,
I am in serious need of help. Just as background info, I am 24 years old and recently moved into a new place with my 25-year-old fiance who loves me to death. Before our move, I was very much in love, physically and sexually attracted to him. It’s like life was more fun. There were no responsibilities of having to clean the house, cook, do laundry all by ourselves. My fiance is very loving and caring, so he does a fair share of the work around the house.
But ever since we’ve moved in, I have been extremely different. I feel like I am living with a best friend, and not with my very own fiance. I hardly feel sexually or physically attracted anymore. I still love him, that’s for sure, but it’s not fun like before anymore. I get upset and moody often because he is pretty messy, I had a phase where I realized my job was not the right one for me, so that led me into a pretty severe depression and days where I just would not want to go to work. I have since quit that job which really was not meant for me. The best thing about it is my fiance has been absolutely supportive and encouraging.
But I am just getting worse and worse. Yesterday I fought with him because his clothes were all over the place. And I get really scary when I am angry. I slam doors, I smash my phone, I curse him, yesterday I almost kicked him. I feel terrible. Extremely terrible. What makes me feel even more terrible is that he loves me through all that. Sometimes I wish he would have more self-respect and break up with me. I beg him to leave me because I know I am a bad person, but he says he’ll never leave me. He’ll help me work through my problems, but he’ll never leave him, he says.
I am in serious need of help. Maybe it would be helpful to know that, as a little girl, I witnessed my dad beat up my mom like an animal right in front of my eyes. I was 8 years old then. He would inflict blues all over my mom’s body and hold her by her hair and drag her across the floor around the house. I am extremely scared that I have become my dad. I have not been violent to the same extent, but I am terrified that I am becoming so.
Anger management has always been an issue for me, but I have never seen this side of me. It’s like this wild irrational animal that unleashes itself whenever I get angry. Please help me. I feel remorse a day after my outburst, but I would prefer not having any outbursts at all. I have tried all calming down techniques, from counting backwards to taking deep breaths, but none of these work in the heat of the moment.
I tell my fiance to just leave the room and leave me alone whenever I start to flare up but he would not listen, and he comes and sits right next to me and constantly tells me to calm down, which does just the opposite. Which is why I tried kicking him yesterday. I like being left alone when I am angry so that I can cool off on my own, but he insists on being close to me, begging me to calm down. I have also stopped working out completely. I used to be pretty active: yoga, running, gym on some days, but it has all stopped. I have zero motivation for anything that’s good for me. I eat processed foods all day, I sit around. I need a serious wake-up call. I don’t understand what is happening to me. I have everything I have ever wanted: a loving fiance, my own place, my own pretty little kitchen, yet I am so moody all the time.
I used to think of myself as a good person. I thought of myself as someone pretty empathetic, someone with a big heart, I help out others in need whenever possible, I love animals. But what’s the point of all that if I am doing terrible things to the very person I share a home with? And the worst part is I read all these self-help books and blogs and put a lot of emphasis on my self-improvement, but I am just getting worse and worse.
Any advice on how to be a better person would be much appreciated.
Awaiting your responses.
-SufiOctober 26, 2013 at 1:14 am #44381HeeParticipant
This post seems very serious so I hope more people would follow upon the comments and not just me. It seems to me that you are a very good writer! I’d say to take things one step at a time. Make a genuine effort in deciding what it is that you want out of your life and to pursue it. Do not test your fiance, just to see whether he can take it or not. Your life is based on your input and not his. From the looks of it, find situations that really makes you feel like you want to start living again!! Have faith that we’re all human and everyone of makes mistakes. Although your past life do seem tragic, there’s really nothing that you can do about it at this point. However, do know that even if the life is not worth living and even if seems very stale at one point, it’ll pass. Just keep thinking positive and be grateful for what you have. If you really seem to be angry at the world, try meditating… sit down in buddah position, breathe in…. hold on to positive aurora entering your body, and exhale thinking all the negative energies leaving your body… you know things like that… Life offers so much variety that you as a couple can emensly enjoy together…. I’m still single and I sometimes wish I had a partner to share some of life’s situations… well good luck! 🙂 And peace be with you~.October 26, 2013 at 9:06 am #44384babylaughterParticipant
I think it is courageous and wonderful that you are trying to change something that’s been part of you since you were 8 or younger: your anger. It will be a lot of work, but you sound motivated to face this challenge!
That said, I also think it is very unwise of your fiance to remain so close to you when you are angry. Even when one puts a tantrumming angry child in a corner, you walk away! There is NO rational discussion when we are in our reptilian flight or fight angry phase! He needs to walk away and wait until you calm down and approach him when your rational state has returned! It is unsafe and impractical for him to be nearby!
It seems that although you are externalizing your anger by directing it at objects and finace, you have a lot anger towards yourself and and your family from when you were 8 and it’s bottled up. It just explodes when you see small things around the home that bother you. I would try a little self-compassion towards yourself to alleviate some of that anger. http://www.self-compassion.org/ Counting is definitely difficult to do in the heat of the moment. Have you tried something more active such as going for a walk by yourself? It would get you fresh air and time away from your fiance as well. Do you journal? Writing can be very calming. Yoga and meditation using a mantra and mula beads along with aromatherapy helps me too.
In addition to your anger, you’ve quit your job and stopped exercising. It may be difficult, but exercise and healthy diet are crucial to your mood. Would your fiance or someone else you know be willing to exercise with you to keep you on the exercise routine? Have you sought professional help to treat your depression? It may be difficult to get through the anger when you’ve got such depression going on. You may want to try treating that first.
Be patient. All of your emotions will take time to process so even though you want to change, it won’t happen overnight!October 26, 2013 at 10:27 am #44388Joanna WarwickParticipant
I can help you as a professional….
Please come to my site http://www.rediscoverthemagic.com – I work with women and your rage is totally understandable!
I do not believe in anger management – you need to not be afraid of power and learn how to use it appropriately as it is very much there for a reason and it is clear that your childhood should it to be a dangerous thing and it is if you are not in charge of it and avoid it.
Jo Warwick MBACP – ACCRED
Therapist and Healer
http://www.rediscoverthemagic.comOctober 26, 2013 at 10:29 am #44389MattParticipant
I’m sorry for the painfulness and confusion you go through, and can understand why it is so difficult to work with such passionate emotions. Sometimes when we get caught up in things around us, such as the clothes on the floor, they present a gravity that seems inescapable. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
I am really impressed by your awareness of your difficulties. Its worth noting that many people try to address the partner’s problems with clothes instead of the anger and entanglement. Give yourself some well deserved credit, your heart is stronger than you think it is, or you wouldn’t be asking these questions. You’re a good person stuck in a weird and painful cycle, not some demoness.
Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find balance and peace. We are conditioned by our parents and teachers, and often get stuck in cycles like you’re experiencing. You’re very normal, usual, and capable. Consider that you’re resisting the cycle with all your might, and that is fantastic.
All you really need is to learn to aim more directly, to cut at the cycle directly. Counting and breathing can help, but from your description it is more like a squirt gun trying to put out a forest fire. Instead, consider that perhaps you need to spend some time outside of the flames in order to help you remain stable during. Said differently, it is before and after the explosions that your work needs to be done, not during. During, your mindfulness and love is absent, missing… the fire is too hot to pull in the soothing water. So what we do instead is pull in the water when we are calm, and the fire naturally soothes, becomes less flary.
This can be done by any number of self nurturing methods, but the best I’ve found is metta meditation. Metta is the energy of loving kindness and friendship inside our chest, and does amazing things to our body. It makes it more resilient to our triggers, it gives our mind a peaceful and smooth quality, reduces stress, and builds a bridge between our body and joy. Consider checking out “guided metta meditation” on YouTube and exploring a little. There are many great guides out there.
Next, the symptoms you describe…. anger, loss of sexual drive, depression… make sense why they would be arising as you begin to make a home with your partner. The little girl that witnessed what “husband and wife” looks like way back when is scared. Of course you’ll never be your dad, so you can drop that right now. You have some fear and some learning to do, but you’re not him, and won’t be. Your heart is far too open for that. Consider that when you moved in together, suddenly it was all very real. It wasn’t just wishing or dreaming or what it might be, it is the sudden viewing of all of the beauty and grime, in him and inside you. This is normal, and the metta practice will perhaps help with that as well by giving you the spaciousness of mind to see the beauty for what it is. Said differently, as you become more calm and less stressed, the agitation from the little things will hopefully (usually) dissipate.
If your partner’s calmness is strong, there is a practice which may help both of you. If you can accept that you are a loving being with the burden of an angry pattern, then consider talking to him about it when you’re both calm. Stop “I’m so unworthy of you” and blah blah blah, that’s bullshit. You’re worthy, just suffering. Instead, consider “my love, I am suffering with this pattern of anger, and would like your help.” The practice happens on both sides. On your side, you have to reach through the haze of flames, stand against the anger. So, when you’re standing there, looking at your partner and seeing the ugly, shitty being who did this and that to you, feeling the hate and frustration searing through your veins… reach back and remember that your body is just angry. And then try to surrender. Instead of “me vs him”, consider “hurt Sufi desperately hanging onto the edge of a cliff, suffering with painful feelings.” Then, let go and fall into his arms. From his side, when he sees the rampaging bull of a Sufi rearing and roaring, he doesn’t try to shift you this way or that. Instead of “calm down”, he holds you quietly, humming to you or just saying “I love you Sufi, so beautiful and strong, passionate and courageous” and so forth. With luck and practice, the clouds clear and the heartbeat returns so easily. It is like a lightning rod, helping you ground out that energy and physically, directly helping you let go, opening up the space.
Namaste, Sufi, I hope you find your peace and love, and learn to balance your passionate spirit with your compassionate heart.
MattOctober 26, 2013 at 4:01 pm #44396maitri2allParticipant
THANK YOU for sharing a part of your life that definitely scares you
Do not believe you are alone…
Many have had to deal with this same trauma and keeping it bottled up and nurturing SEPARATENESS is the fastest way to sink
Imagine you are drowning and your fiance comes to save you.. will you kick him away
Your anger is killing you!
I wish to write more here when I have time.
Thank you for showing such incredible courage to come here and ask for help!October 27, 2013 at 8:42 pm #44437SufiParticipant
Thank you so much for the advice, everyone. I really love this community. I am definitely going to look into metta meditation and put it into practice.
Much love.October 31, 2013 at 6:12 pm #44695Abbi WinchesterParticipant
How are you today? I can comprehend to your aggravation. Now i may not personally know you, but there are a few thing i know that will help you depending on who you are. Fist thing: IF and only IF you are comfortable with praying, i suggest in no matter which way you pray, to simply express you r thoughts to a prayer. I have dealt with many cases and usually this works with some. Second: i know whats its like to be that mad, to have all that anger building up inside of you and all the rage just ready to explode. Your mind is clambered with thoughts and the hatred acts like a demon devouring your soul. Instead of rushing to your fiance to take it you or being alone, you need to take oner or two steps back and think though why your so angry. Maybe the situation can be handled in a different way. Maybe it is possible that you do not need to develop such anger ways towards a subject. Third: Now, since you have a fiance, i am not one to judge the relationship, you should feel free to express your feelings to him. And if you are not comfortable talking to him, feel free to write it down, or express it in a hobby f some sorts. Overall Sufi you are very young, and anger should no be devouring your mentality. Try praying or simple mediation, think though your situations before you act on instinct and express your anger in a positive enforcement..