Personally I use positive, soothing, self-talk. I use the voice like a kind and benevolent parent. I am empathetic to myself. I imagine I am a child who needs comfort and guidance. I think if you are fully conscious of your decision to perform a physical act (picking up the food, eating it), you are capable of developing a conscious understanding of your compulsions (for lack of a better word).

I do have chronic pain. I have developed a better relationship with it; for me I was able to pinpoint a fear of dying. The pain would get so bad, I felt like I was going to die. Or had to die. I try and breathe through it the best I can…

Best of luck to you. You aren’t alone.

I’m really sorry for the pain you are in. I left home quite young (shortly after my 16th birthday) largely because of an emotionally unbearable home life. Feeling trapped in this way by family is excruciatingly painful. If it is any consolation whatsoever, I am now 36 and have reached peace with the state of things. It has been a painful passage but in my case, worth the effort. I did cut off contact in my early 20s, and the relationship resumed when I was 24, and it WAS better after gaining distance.

I am not sure if you are looking for outside opinions so will refrain from offering any (unless you ask)! I just wanted to voice that while it is a difficult decision to make, distance from what feel like toxic familial relationships can be very helpful in the long run. When I compare my mental & emotional health now, to when I was 19, the difference is so remarkable. The key, for me, was removing focus on “what they were doing to me” and tuning in to what I could do for myself, to heal myself.

All the best to you,
Chris