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ClaireParticipantThank you, Anita. This is so applicable to me as well. Nina, you are not alone. I am/was in a similar situation. What Anita wrote about threatening his self-image is so true. The truth makes this kind of person uncomfortable, and then they lash out and make us feel like it was our fault somehow. I don’t want to live in a world of lies, half-truths, manipulation, and uncertainty. It is hard to move on, but realizing and reminding ourselves that it is not our fault and that we want to be true to ourselves, our word, and the world can be helpful.
ClaireParticipantThank you, Anita. I appreciate your insight, comments, and questions. I think this man is not who I originally thought and hoped he was, unfortunately. I liked that original persona, but that is not who he is, and he isn’t going to change to be that person. Thank you for taking the time to communicate with me.
ClaireParticipantThere were no ongoing lies, except to respond to me that he had never been married. He had invited me over to his home, but I never had the chance to go — and now I am not sure I would want to go or if the invitation still stands. That is correct that they have lived together since before I met him. They got “married” about 2 months before I met him.
He seemed very open and committed early on, almost too early. He wanted to call me his girlfriend and told me he was giving me all of him (all in for the relationship, no holding back) and would wait for me to be ready to do the same.
He believes he did nothing wrong, so he doesn’t feel he needs to prove anything. He said if I had known he was “married,” I may not have continued a relationship with him. That is probably true, but now I care so much for him and see the potential of a relationship with him.
I want to prove I am trustworthy because I am an honest person, and it bothers me that someone may think otherwise. I know I did nothing wrong, except share that intimate information, but I was under a different understanding at that time.
I don’t know if I need to get over wanting to prove myself – and get over him – and move on. I don’t know if it’s possible to repair things. I have a tendency to forgive almost anything and deny my feelings so the other person is happy. As I mentioned, it feels a tad manipulative that he doesn’t trust me still, but when I first met him, my impression was that he was the most sincere person I’d ever met.ClaireParticipantHe actually seems to be quite emotional and sensitive. He claims he married her because she needed him to and because it helped him financially and with a place to live. They live together, with her children. I think he didn’t think he would find anyone with whom he wanted to be in a serious relationship so it wouldn’t matter. No one really knows they are married. They are not connected on social media, and she only has posted that she is in a relationship, which she posted after I communicated with her.
He says he was hurt that I shared the personal information with her because that was just between us two. I shared it with her when I believed they were in a loving marriage because I wanted her to understand I wasn’t making it up but rather offering proof. He said that me sharing this information with her made him very sad and that he cannot think about it because it is too much and makes him not trust me.
From my past, it seems a tad manipulative. I don’t know what to think or how to feel. One minute I believe everything, and the next minute I question things. I told him I did not reach out and contact her again. Should I just leave him and see if he figures out that it was a lie and comes back to me? I don’t want to deal with so much drama and have this woman make up things again in the future. Maybe he isn’t worth it.
ClaireParticipantIt is the woman who needed the papers, and she claims it is not a sham. But it seems she is saying that to protect herself because she does not know who I am or what I might do. From him, I believe it is only on paper. I since apologized for sharing the personal information with her. He still believes her that I reached out to her, when in fact, I did not. I sent him a message asking if he has found out the truth yet, that I did not reach out to her, and I said he needs to figure out what he wants and what (who) is worth fighting for. I have not heard from him for two days.
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