Moving on from a cheating, narcissistic ex

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This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 6 months ago by Melody.

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October 22, 2017 at 8:31 am #174189

Nia N
Participant

Anyone who has had experience with this, please offer any advice you have. My ex left me for his ex, who he was cheating on me with the entire relationship. But he manipulated, gaslighted me, and even still attempted to after we broke up to hide the fact he as seeing his ex again. Last time I saw him, I broke down in front of him and ended up calling his ex to reveal to him that I knew everything that was going on, and to her everything that was happening. He coldly told me to get away from him, blocked me on everything, and has ignored every attempt to contact him. He was so good at making himself seem like the sweetest guy on the planet…everyone, including my family believed this dude walked on water. I believed he did too. There are way too many layers in our relationship to go into detail, but in short, I am hurting, confused, and experiencing extreme bouts of cognitive dissonance. The guy I believed I was going to spend my life with turned out to be evil, manipulative, and cold. Everyone still thinks so highly of him because hes so good at hiding what hes done to me. His ex even took him back (for like the 4th time) and has forgiven him. I feel so insecure becuase even though I know our relationship wasnt healthy, I still cant help but wonder why he didnt choose me. I’m still extremely jealous that shes a part of his life and that i’m not, and that he blocked me out of his life forever and wont even contact me back despite how much I try. Part of me thinks that he loved her more that he could have loved me and thats why he left, but that doesnt excuse the fact og how coldly he treated me and how he could even withstand spending 6 months with me and putting false ideas in my head just to leave me high and dry…he knew he wanted her all along. But I also know that he’s done wrong to her too on multiple occasions, and that she wasnt the only one he was cheating on me with. I just want to make sense of all of this so I can move forward.

October 22, 2017 at 9:58 am #174197

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nia N:

Did you read my reply to you on your previous thread, and if so, would you like to comment on it? If you do, I would like to continue communicating with you on this topic.

anita

October 22, 2017 at 12:48 pm #174229

Nia N
Participant

I replied on my previous thread.

October 23, 2017 at 4:21 am #174273

Poppyxo
Participant

Hi Nia N,

Reading this sounded like reading my life.
This happened to me over a year ago – pretty much exactly as you have written.
What advice is it exactly you’re after? How to move forward? How to feel better? etc?

October 23, 2017 at 6:59 am #174303
Inky
Participant
Hi Nia N,

To him, you have done the “unforgivable”: You stood up. You told the truth. You contacted the ex. You aired the dirty laundry. He knows that you know and now everyone knows. Gas lighting and manipulation could not stand under your blatant honesty.

By him blocking you, he has (tried to, at any rate) made you the Bad Guy. We only block the intolerable, right?? Wrong. We block those who make us the most uncomfortable. He tried to unsuccessfully have two women. You said “No thanks”. Now he just has one (who rejected him, or whom he rejected first, how romantic, huh?)

Sister, hold your head up. And if anyone tells you what a great guy he is, smile and say, “Well, not so much.” They will be thunderstruck (and so will he) when word gets back that you dumped HIM. Let everyone believe that.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
October 23, 2017 at 8:06 am #174319

Nia N
Participant

Mainly how to move on, especially when through all of it you’re still “in love” (I use that loosely because I think it’s just attachment at this point). And how to deal with the conflicting emotions, because there are still times I feel like part of us falling apart is my fault, although I can still recognize that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. The cognitive dissonance is eating me alive & keeping me in a loop. I just want to move forward & trust myself again to love because this was honestly a traumatizing experience.

October 23, 2017 at 8:10 am #174321

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Nia N:

You wrote: “I still cant help but wonder why he didnt choose me. I’m still extremely jealous that shes a part of his life and that i’m not, and that he blocked me out of his life forever and wont even contact me back despite how much I try”-

Better stop trying to get him back into your life.

He chose to block you out of his life because you disturbed his self image of “the sweetest guy on the planet” by contacting his ex and creating a public scene that last night, gathering attention of other people.

The ex is not an ex. She was a current girlfriend all along during the relationship with you, no more an ex than you were, in his life.

You wrote: “Part of me thinks that he loved her more that he could have loved me and thats why he left”-

No, I think she is still in his life, if she is, because she has not threatened his self image. You have. Not because he loved her more. I believe dishonesty and love don’t go together, and so, he didn’t and doesn’t love you or her.

You wrote: “I just want to make sense of all of this so I can move forward”- I hope you do make sense of all of this. To make sense of it you have to calm down. Being agitated, distressed makes clear thinking difficult to come by. With clear thinking, your cognitive dissonance will be resolved and healing will follow.

anita

October 25, 2017 at 9:38 am #174807

Claire
Participant

Thank you, Anita. This is so applicable to me as well. Nina, you are not alone. I am/was in a similar situation. What Anita wrote about threatening his self-image is so true. The truth makes this kind of person uncomfortable, and then they lash out and make us feel like it was our fault somehow. I don’t want to live in a world of lies, half-truths, manipulation, and uncertainty. It is hard to move on, but realizing and reminding ourselves that it is not our fault and that we want to be true to ourselves, our word, and the world can be helpful.

October 25, 2017 at 10:02 am #174813

Anonymous
Guest

* You are welcome, Claire. I very much agree with your statement: “I don’t want to live in a world of lies, half truths, manipulation”- not the part that I can avoid!

anita

October 25, 2017 at 4:38 pm #174915
Miss Healing
Participant
Nia,

My therapist suggested me to do the following: fold a sheet of paper in two parts, in one side write the qualities// attitudes// how he made u feel when he was with you and in the other side write the same but how is he right now? Ex. in the left side write “he used to make me feel loved and secure” and in the right side “he is making feel anxious, angry and depressed”…

You’ll see which side weights more; it’s a way you can see objectively that the one you love is not longer here. Sometimes when we are in a relationship, unconsciously, we adapt our values or attitudes to fit with the other part…when we are alone, is when we our true-self comes out. So, the cheater, the cold…is what he really is.

I hope you get better, much love
- This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Miss Healing.
October 27, 2017 at 8:05 pm #175293

Melody
Participant

Dear Nia,

I totally understand how you feel. I’ve been almost in the exact situation except she’s still part of my life until now. I was being cheated and manipulated like you did, and her ex is now back with her again for I don’t know how many times. I was engaged with her and now she’s making her ex believes that she loves this person so much like she used to do it with me.

What is helping me now is that I put in my heart and in my head that there’s something wrong with my Narc ex. Start loving yourself and don’t chase your ex. In fact the best thing to do is not to be part of his life anymore. Please allow yourself to grieve and you’ll eventually get healed. Know that you can never change him. Be happy that you’re out of his life. Don’t worry about him and his current supply. Their relationship will not last either, trust me. If they do, it’s full of pain and manipulation as well. Be happy you’re out of it. I know it’s not easy but the best thing to do is pray and cling unto God. I am hurting so much as well. But I have learned to be grateful that I experienced those painful moments with my Narc ex because it helped me to be stronger.

At first I wanted to take revenge, but it wouldn’t help. Instead, I started loving myself and started going back to church.

When you feel down, call upon Him, cry unto Him and keep reading about Narcissism and you’ll be healed soon once you accepted that they are sick and nothing is wrong with you.

Sending love and prayers,

Tyler
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