Hi Anita,

Good to read from you too.
I was not very calm yesterday when i typed it so I think i didn’t communicate clearly what about the information.
The Ex(whom i dated more than a decade ago, let’s call her “P”) is not the one I shared 9 years ago, and was no the one who cheated on me.
Nevertheless, I think the pattern you described wouldn’t just go away. Some of the things you described were also present in that relationship.

It is the current ex that I found out who is dating(Let’s call her “F”), it’s still quite fresh for me. In a lot of my mental scenario, she is still around me(places we go, things at home etc) But it probably is the same for this Ex: I don’t even know if I want her back, but the feeling of rejection(or reality really hit) makes me very devastated.

I think i know i have these fearful avoidant attachment style. I just didn’t know how to deal with them. and yes, anything that is of long term commitment creates certain fear to me, So i guess the cats did trigger them also(and may be trying to teach me a lesson). I think that is also why I am comfortable with F, she is not asking for commitment. I feel very at ease with that(although deep down it seems I am looking for commitment?)

I would like to share but I am unsure where to start. I guess I can also just share my thoughts and feelings as things go.
Thanks Anita

Hi Anita and all,

Thanks for your blessing always.
I am back from my trip, i had a great one with my yoga teacher and her students. Surprisingly, we got along well given we did not previously know each other too well.

Back to the suppressed emotions. In my last post I mentioned one of my ex(A) needed time away from me to let her emotions out. Today i received a message, essentially saying my delayed expression of my feelings(I was the practice client for one of her course that she is taking, and so i gave her my feedback via a feedback form which i believe is one of the requirement of the programe, which to her, means i didn’t express what i thought/ feel at that time or on the spot), triggered her due to her own attachment issues, as well as reminded her of how my emotions erupted etc etc(that was 10 something years ago)
She also cited that when I broke up with my immediate ex, i let her live in my place for a month but later on felt being taken for granted and got angry, while i was the one who offered her the place.
So she kinda think I have been suppressing myself all the time.
I think this kinda of happened to my colleague, whom i shared that I had feelings for when we met last December. She shared something similar.
I can’t help but have this ‘i am flawed’ statement that came up in my head.
I can’t seem to know ahead of time, what kind of things I can ‘let go’, and what kind of things I would help grudges or resentment.
i feel for most things i am pretty generous. But there are times, especially when I feel unappreciated, I would feel anger or resentment.

I really don’t know, one of my other good friends said all that I experiencing is normal, and I am not particularly bad. But there is a part of me thinking there is something wrong.

Thanks for your offer to write my feelings in here, in fact this is a good platform for me as I can really freely express myself.
There are times when i am just tired or wana retreat though. I also had experience expressing myself a bit more, but not getting the feedback that I expect or essentially feel being rejected. It is hard to make a move, and even with 10 moves and only one setback, it easily get my 10 steps backwards given where i began.

Anyways, one of the things that I am happy recently, is with my cats. They are settled and used to my home and they became very clingy, something i didn’t expect from cats.
Their companion made me less lonely at home indeed, which is helpful to me being alone now.

Talk again, take care!
Clara

Dear Anita

No rush at all
You take care too!

Clara

Hi Anita
Sorry it took me a while to reply.
It is Chinese New year now and I have been spending a lot of time with my family, and also to wrap up my work.
I like your poem very much. I think it summarized the whole encounter and also what is actually happening between us. I even have an urge to send it to her, as a way to communicate to her my feelings and thoughts, but I didn’t, first because it was you who is the author and secondly, it may be too blunt and too naked.
I still talk to my colleage, but I feel we have grown a bit of distance recently. Initially I feel the urge to attach still, but there was one time when i called her, i felt she was more shocked than happy. I feel bad about it, may be a feeling of rejection. I mean she remained polite but I was thinking to myself: if she isn’t even happy that i called her, how would this even work at all. From then on, I was able to mentally detach from her a bit more.
I mean, even if like her, I don’t want to be a rebound of anyone, but want to be treated right and with respect.
I think i was able to do that with my ex, she was also a bit on and off with her then-ex, until i said i needed to detach from her to just be friends with her. Once she knows my boundary and expectation, and probably the consequences of her lingering onto her then-ex,, she did break up with her ex and start a relationship with me. Afterall, we have spent 5 years together, with mostly happy memories in between.
How has the poem experimentation been? Personally i quite like it as it is a conscise, and catchy summary of my situation
Good to know all is well 🙂
Clara

Hi all
Thanks for all your reply

@jana, yes I did go through a difficult break up around 6 months ago, but I feel good right now, emotionally I think i am available and ready to enter a relationship(or not, both are fine actually)
So I actually am not actively looking for someone, I do go on dating app, but most of the time i just chat with people but honestly am not very active, i’d like things to go more naturally instead.

Anyways, a few weeks have passed so quickly.
In short, I didn’t really cut my colleague off. I did try, after I knew she and the ‘woman’ are in good terms now(whatever that means), just immediately after New year i think. There was also one time when I felt she was not fulfilling what she said(she said she would help me trim my cats’ nail but it never happened), and I felt she was mostly just seeing me in between her other commitments , but not really making plan(which i said earlier), so i asked her no need to say she would help unless she could really find a confirmed time(she has all the ‘may be tmr’ ‘unsure if sun works’ things going on). I basically said if her priority is not with this, and insinuated that if her priority is not with us/ our interaction, I don’t want to continue with this.

We stopped talking to each for just one day after i said so, and the day after(which is a Monday, 2 weeks ago), i hurt my knee and when she knew about this, she kept asking how i was and eventually we started talking again, like how we used to be.
We talk everyday still, i was a bit angry with her at something the other day, i told her about it and said i feel that she has taken me for granted, she was very eager to reach out to me and tried to comfort me. But when i told my friend about this, she reminded me that these interactions, are very couple like, to which i also agree. The interactions are far from pure friendship. There are times when she said she wants a hug, and i do want hugs too and we would hug each other. We just didn’t kiss or go further. So we are kind of in this grey zone.

Last week she had hre birthday, we went out for dinner the next day.
I asked her about her ‘woman’ that night, she told me then she knew she wouldn’t be with the ‘woman’ in the long run, she was also very tired of taking care of her. She mentioned her ‘friend’ also asked her to explore other options and don’t be stuck with her. She did tell me her vision of her future partners. So in a way she mentioned they were not together But I know they still interact(probably closely), and I really have a hard time gauging this. It feels like I am navigating a world that I previously had no idea exist. The way she handles relationship is not something that I can comprehend.
That night when we left, we held hands, i walked her back home and we hugged.

I mean, I have a part in it. I didn’t set firmer boundaries with her. I would have reiterate my boundary and expectations. But because she was my colleague so I didn’t really wana cut her off. Secondly, I am indeed attracted to her and this makes me hard to leave.

I know i need to keep more distance with her, which I was thinking to do so after our planned birthday dinner celebration.
It was last friday night, and throughout the weekend I did talk less to her. She usually talks less to me during her day off though, I think she was busy celebrating still(she got so many friends celebrating with her that she had to arrange breakfast celebration)

There are other things, that I think may be considered as red flat
– her boundary setting, with her ‘friends’ , and obviously with me
– she said she was spoiled and like to feel she was spoiled by her partner( i kinda agree, she probably like grand gesture which are not my forte)
– she said she could get really obsessive/ possessive if she really like someone.

I think i need I need to set firmer boundaries, with or without stating it clearly with her. I could have just stopped the interaction with her so that things could die down.
I don’t see her as a very good long term partner, so in any case, I should just stop this.
It’s just that I have some attachment lingering on, and honestly, I have been deprived with care/ simply some deep hugs, to which i mentioned she was very good at. I think that’s why

Thanks for listening all!
Clara

Hello Helcat

Good to hear from you.
Yes there was a similar situation before as well. I guess it triggered me in a sense that I know I need to apply my lesson learnt. my current ex had some complications(not as complicated as this one i feel) before we were together. I did the same, to distance myself from her for a while to transform my feelings, before I talk to her again.
For this time, the colleague’s attachment to her ex is still very strong, and she even verbally said she wanted to be with her if at all possible. So obviously this is not something that I would consider engaging in. I don’t feel very bothered(I am, but not to an extend that it is affecting my mental health), and I am quicker in realizing how the dynamics are in this current situation. I guess i have learned from the past.

The work thing is complicated, but it does seem to me she still want to chat with me, as friends? as potential partner ? i really don’t know. and I can’t just cut her off, it would be weird when we meet in the office.

She used to say a lot more flirty stuffs before i showed my distance. I think she either is not in the mood(quite engulfed with her current break up) and also, may be she knows I am setting a firmer boundary.

Thanks for your wishes.
Happy new year to you!
Chau