Hi Anita

Chau is good also!

I think I have been training myself to be very aware of my emotions, and there were angels around me who do the same(you too)
I keep re-reading our last conversation which happened on Monday.

From how she said she wished for a better life and asked me to stayed friends with her instead, to her texting me again and again after our conversation, to her urging me to go on a trip with me to which i responded ok(i even offered to pay for the fee to change the ticket coz she kept talking about the lost of money for doing so. so that she doesn’t need to worry about that), to me applying leave and making all the arrangements, and within an hour she told me she was talking to her ‘friend’ and would go on to the trip again, and me saying ‘what are you treating me as’; ‘my family and job are important to me but i am willing to push them away last minutes because you need someone to be by your side’; ‘i feel so stupid’; “i am sorry that you made this choice’; ‘ you are trapped in your obsessions in her, the sunk cost, anger, or whatever’ “i cared for you a lot but this is how you made me cry like shxx in the office again’

these are the things that i texted her in my messages and when i re-read them, i feel emotional still. She kept saying sorry, but i doubt if she understands the weight of it: pushed me away when she didn’t need me, and came back to me when she needed someone (to pay the bill also, my friend said), and pushed me away once again when she could secure someone else instead.

I am not as angry as i was on Monday, as you said i still have this tenderness towards her, which i also doubt if she understands. I am someone who would stand by her side at times of her distress or when things go wrong, but she opt for someone who puts her in distress instead.

I think my friend is right, i am paying for her, emotionally and financially if i do go on the trip with her.

I like your mantra on tenderness, i would add a bit as well ” I honor the tenderness without surrendering my truth and boundaries”
Have a good night!

Chau

Dear Alessa

thanks for replying. Yes it’s awful how she treated me like a second option/ replacement. But at least i told her off and still had my healthy anger inside of of me.
I forgot to mention, she actually left my work place, actually that’s the reason why i wanted to ask her about her relationship goal, after she left the office.
So it’s all good, supposedly i am not seeing her.

I think i can try to write things out, if i want to find her. I did have a moment that i missed her last night, we had some good times Afterall. But i went to talk to my friends, and they know they need to talk with me during times like this, which i am very grateful for.

Chau

Hi Anita
Thanks for checking in!
I was about to fill you in with some of my recent situation.

I think you should remember, there was a colleague whom I was romantically interested in, but since she was in a complicated, on and off relationship with her ‘partner’, i pulled back and stopped talking to her, somewhere around Feb- Mar. 
She never really ‘disappeared’, we had some on and off chats here and there, but nothing too serious. To a point where, even if we see other in the office(which was not very often), we would not leave with each other(previously we would wait for each other and leave the office together)

Until towards the end of June, she resurfaced as it was the semester break, and she basically just came to my office everyday. 
Day by day, we grew closer again. We held hands and she would me To a ‘play’ with me in a very seductive way. And to point that she came up to my place late one time and we spent the night. It was exactly a month ago that she came to my place.

Things seemed pretty ok until a point where she brought up renting a place, a week ago. However I did see red flags here and there prior. 

Before she spent the night with me, we talked everyday. and I realized she talked about money quite a bit. One time she jokingly said I could buy her T-back. I was trying to text her limit, and i did transfer her some money and see how she would react. To which she really did deliver her t-back to me. I was very surprised, that she really gave me her T-back, but not return the money and conclude it as a joke. 

But I think things just went on too quickly and because i saw her everyday, i could not think straight enough. 
For renting the place, she asked if I would rent a new place, and she could crash my place occasionally. She already located a place where she really likes. But when i checked the rent, it was quite expensive and it’s not something that i could immediately afford, I said i could consider, but i need to rent my current place out first(which i bought on my own), before i can have enough money for it, and that i should calculate it well.

That’s where things take a downturn. 

I was quite upset that night, and I said if this is what she expected of a partner, someone who could just rent a place like this with no hesitation at all, she should think twice. She should think clearly what she wants 
I was upset and I did cry that night. The next day(last mon), she said she want me, and she couldn’t sleep that night.

She came to my place on Monday, and we sort of made amends. 
The next few days we brought up different issues, around money. She again, tried to ‘sell’ herself/ her stuff, and she brought me out and tried out new shoes, I think she wanted me to buy for her. I deliberately withheld myself from buying, i was hoping to see her reactions.

Then on Sat,  she went cool and had minimal texts, and I realized she hide her stories in instragram from me.
On sunday, we were supposed to play badminton together, afterwards, I confronted her with the hiding of IG stories, she admitted and said there was something that she didn’t want me to see.
I didn’t even bother to ask what they are, and just asked for clarity

Later that day, she texted me and sent a very long texts, essentially saying, she expects her partner to be able to afford her daily living, or even some luxurious living style, spoil her by allowing her to change her mind and buy her stuffs, and she basically said she wanted a family and child, and she wants to marry a guy

Honestly, I felt a bit blunt at that point, coz i think i see her so crsytal clear now. She is someone whom i normally won’t even befriend with in the first place.

But what annoyed me that day, is how she still wanted to be friends with me. I think she really enjoys talking to me, and so do i, and she kept asking if we could be friends. I repeatedly said we shouldn’t talk at least at this point, but she lingered. I continued to ignore her few messages, and until she sent me something late night and deleted them.

I was a bit worried and asked her what it was about. And she asked if I could go to a trip with her, that same day. She was supposed to go on a trip with her friend, but her ‘friend’ said she didn’t want to go. 
I told her about my work and family situation etc. But she kept urging me, to a point that I said i would consider and apply leave, but may be not immediately on the same day, but on Wed. She said she was crying and couldn’t sleep etc, and somehow i have a softspot for her, it’s just only a week ago when we were very affectionate and passionate with each other afternoon.

I updated her about my work once I went to the office, and i said i could took leave from Wed onwards.
Then about half an hour later, she texted sorry and she said she went to the ‘friend’ place, and her ‘friend’ would go with her now.

I was very furious, how she treated me as a replacement. And obviously her ‘friend’, is the person whom she had a complicated relationship with, someone whom she support and very close, but the ‘friend’ never admitted her as partner.

I kept saying she was very disrespectful, and I said i was sorry for her, for making this choice and for not able to get away from this trap of hers. And I said i was very upset on how she treated me, listing out the things that i need to do and consider, just to accompany her at her times of distress

In the end, I asked her not to reply me. She was so shameless to a point that she liked my IG story towards the end of the day, which I later on hide from her also.

I gotta go soon, but I am not actually to upset, I only have some lingering attachment(when i look at my phone i would expect there is a message from her) that I need to sort out.
I am also afraid that  if she comes back(which I think she would), how i can set firmer boundary, I am a bit afraid of her now, not PTSD but then it’s like i have just escaped from someone whom i had difficult setting boundaries with, would i fall back again?

Anyways, hope this is not too long-winded.
I was readying Anita’s previous message, and I think, that is also a good reminder of my situation at the moment.

Hope everyone is well!

Hi Anita,

Good to read from you too.
I was not very calm yesterday when i typed it so I think i didn’t communicate clearly what about the information.
The Ex(whom i dated more than a decade ago, let’s call her “P”) is not the one I shared 9 years ago, and was no the one who cheated on me.
Nevertheless, I think the pattern you described wouldn’t just go away. Some of the things you described were also present in that relationship.

It is the current ex that I found out who is dating(Let’s call her “F”), it’s still quite fresh for me. In a lot of my mental scenario, she is still around me(places we go, things at home etc) But it probably is the same for this Ex: I don’t even know if I want her back, but the feeling of rejection(or reality really hit) makes me very devastated.

I think i know i have these fearful avoidant attachment style. I just didn’t know how to deal with them. and yes, anything that is of long term commitment creates certain fear to me, So i guess the cats did trigger them also(and may be trying to teach me a lesson). I think that is also why I am comfortable with F, she is not asking for commitment. I feel very at ease with that(although deep down it seems I am looking for commitment?)

I would like to share but I am unsure where to start. I guess I can also just share my thoughts and feelings as things go.
Thanks Anita

Hi Anita and all,

Thanks for your blessing always.
I am back from my trip, i had a great one with my yoga teacher and her students. Surprisingly, we got along well given we did not previously know each other too well.

Back to the suppressed emotions. In my last post I mentioned one of my ex(A) needed time away from me to let her emotions out. Today i received a message, essentially saying my delayed expression of my feelings(I was the practice client for one of her course that she is taking, and so i gave her my feedback via a feedback form which i believe is one of the requirement of the programe, which to her, means i didn’t express what i thought/ feel at that time or on the spot), triggered her due to her own attachment issues, as well as reminded her of how my emotions erupted etc etc(that was 10 something years ago)
She also cited that when I broke up with my immediate ex, i let her live in my place for a month but later on felt being taken for granted and got angry, while i was the one who offered her the place.
So she kinda think I have been suppressing myself all the time.
I think this kinda of happened to my colleague, whom i shared that I had feelings for when we met last December. She shared something similar.
I can’t help but have this ‘i am flawed’ statement that came up in my head.
I can’t seem to know ahead of time, what kind of things I can ‘let go’, and what kind of things I would help grudges or resentment.
i feel for most things i am pretty generous. But there are times, especially when I feel unappreciated, I would feel anger or resentment.

I really don’t know, one of my other good friends said all that I experiencing is normal, and I am not particularly bad. But there is a part of me thinking there is something wrong.

Thanks for your offer to write my feelings in here, in fact this is a good platform for me as I can really freely express myself.
There are times when i am just tired or wana retreat though. I also had experience expressing myself a bit more, but not getting the feedback that I expect or essentially feel being rejected. It is hard to make a move, and even with 10 moves and only one setback, it easily get my 10 steps backwards given where i began.

Anyways, one of the things that I am happy recently, is with my cats. They are settled and used to my home and they became very clingy, something i didn’t expect from cats.
Their companion made me less lonely at home indeed, which is helpful to me being alone now.

Talk again, take care!
Clara

Dear Anita

No rush at all
You take care too!

Clara

Hi Anita
Sorry it took me a while to reply.
It is Chinese New year now and I have been spending a lot of time with my family, and also to wrap up my work.
I like your poem very much. I think it summarized the whole encounter and also what is actually happening between us. I even have an urge to send it to her, as a way to communicate to her my feelings and thoughts, but I didn’t, first because it was you who is the author and secondly, it may be too blunt and too naked.
I still talk to my colleage, but I feel we have grown a bit of distance recently. Initially I feel the urge to attach still, but there was one time when i called her, i felt she was more shocked than happy. I feel bad about it, may be a feeling of rejection. I mean she remained polite but I was thinking to myself: if she isn’t even happy that i called her, how would this even work at all. From then on, I was able to mentally detach from her a bit more.
I mean, even if like her, I don’t want to be a rebound of anyone, but want to be treated right and with respect.
I think i was able to do that with my ex, she was also a bit on and off with her then-ex, until i said i needed to detach from her to just be friends with her. Once she knows my boundary and expectation, and probably the consequences of her lingering onto her then-ex,, she did break up with her ex and start a relationship with me. Afterall, we have spent 5 years together, with mostly happy memories in between.
How has the poem experimentation been? Personally i quite like it as it is a conscise, and catchy summary of my situation
Good to know all is well 🙂
Clara