Hello Anita

Wish you well.

Earlier last week I texted her and asked her to take her things back.  She left something in one of the cabinets in my apartment, which she must have missed. I told her I would leave it in the yoga studio where we usually go together. After a week, my teacher was asking if I would take it back next time, meaning she hasn’t taken the stuff away.

So I texted her early this week, seeing if she would take things back. If not I don’t want to occupy the yoga studio’s space. I also follow up with asking how she would attend the classes further. There were times I wanted to attend the class that we usually attended, but I also understand those might be the only classes that she could go, so I deliberately skipped them. I think I don’t want to just be the one taking care of this: dismissing what I want( to attend certiain class), while she might not need me to do so as she is not going anyways/ might not care etc.

She suggested some ways and one of which was just to use a google form to write down when we plan to go. I thought it was a bit sad to revert to this, while I thought we could just text each other like normal interaction. So I counter suggested that I would just text her if I want to attend the classes, to which she said ok. Later that night I texted her and said I didn’t even know if she appreicates my initiation, and that I deliberately skipped lessons to give us some space, i said I hoped we could speak like normal eventually. and asked her to let me know what she thinks. At the back of my mind, I think this is familar: She said ‘ok; to smth, and I was to naive to believe that she was ‘ok’ ,  but she wasn’t.

She then said, she apprecaited it. She also said she was too emotional still and was afraid if any of our conversation went sour, she could not handle, and so she wished to limit the interaction. She said I might think it’s easy for her to move on, but she was still in so much pain.

So I told her that may be, using google form is a better balance of what I want(attend classes) and what she needs(have limited/ no interaction), so at least she wouldn’t get a random text from me.

A few days later, my feelings towards this emerged: Why is she in such a pain? did I do something wrong again?(I think that’s my default mode to reflect what i have done and they are usually bad things) I think I knew I didn’t. I think the only thing I did was to protect my boundary: asked her and her stuffs to move away asap, respecting my own needs and right to attend the classes. But seeing her so paralzed , almost unable to talk to me after a month and a half, I feel there is something off, and I really wanted to fix it.

My friend told me she might not know what she has done, how what she did affect me and how badly she treated me throughout, so when I really stood up for myself, she suddenly realized it was not ok, and that I would set my boundaries all of a sudden once she said she wanted to break up, which shocked her so much. It is entirely possible that if I didn’t do that, she would not feel the impact of the breakup, althoug she chose for herself. So she said it was not on me, she should really feel the pain for what she chose and what she did.

I still cry, I still miss her sometime. But I now think this is a necessary process for my healing.

Yesterday I went to the cat adoption centre, There were two cats that I particularly connected with. One is a 2  year old male and the other is a 1 year old girl. The girl has one eye that has problem and not really functioning. I am tryint to find out more medical background(if any), and I am trying to use a week or two , to imagine how it feels like if there is an animal around. Literally picturing an animal walking in my flat. I remember your lesson, and I will try to expect the unexpected, especially these animals came from different backgrounds and they might have various kinds of issues prior.

Have a good day, take care!

Clara

Hello Anita

Thanks for asking. All is well.

It has been slightly more than a month, from the actual break up. But I feel (and objectively think) I am recovering very quickly. There used to be this emotion tsunami , but now they became ripples only. I could identify it in my chest when it came, and as it builds up to a certain point, I sit with it and often times my tears would come out, and I would become better. After repetitive trials, I am quite used to the pattern and I can just let it be.

I do still, from time to time, see if she has updated on IG, that is basically the only connection we have now. I can recall the number of followers(I just do haha, I am very sensitive to numbers and I do still check her IG time to time) that she has and how many she follows , and I realized the number of both went down recently. I was thinking ” hmmm may be someone in her life is unfollowing her due to xxxxx, would it be someone she saw when we were on a break/ dating etc etc ‘ . It’s silly to stalk and think like that, and I know I am still lingering a bit, but it is kind of a habit to check on how she is, I see myself doing it less and less, but it still happens.

There was one night, when I was a bit sleepless, and i was thinking how inconsiderate she was. I had the feeling that I wanted to yell at her, but didn’t do so obviously. I just felt unfair, the way she treated me. The anger is still inside, and I would need to settle it on my own and I don’t expect her to do anything or would understand, coz if she does, she would already have done something.

I am now practicing a bit more yoga now, after the break up, I  have set a goal to do handstand within the year which i had thought about it for a while. There is this yoga teacher whom I quite like, her energy is light and she is fun to be with. I reserved some private lessons with her and after yesterday’s lesson, I realized I could have some fun time, with someone else, completely unaffected by the though of my ex. I can’t help but think with the right scenario, in the right context, I could start to like this teacher, or someone else for that matter.

the other thought that came immediately, was the thing you mentioned: adding logic to the heart. Even If I like this person, do I know this person well enough? is this mutual? what shows that this is mutual and how is this person compatible/ not compatible with me? I probably wouldn’t look via this lens before, but now, I think I am starting to have this lens now, which I think is an improvement as this balances my sentiments, which i had a lot when I began to like a person

Now I realized, it really takes a lot of time, to really start a relationship. I was too rush before , that made me unable to see clearly.

I am still actively thinking to adopt an animal, this, unlike the thought of my ex, is getting stronger rather than weaker. I like dogs but I know the commitment is higher, cats are easier. Anyhow, I will go check the dog/ cat shelter this weekend. Needs to consider so many as this can be a decade long commitment(and we certainly won’t break up so this may be the longest relationship I have, so far. Careful and deliberate considerations are needed!) I am unsure which animal will connect with me, but as my friend said: You would know you are ready when you do.

Have a good evening Anita, welcome to let me know how you have been

Clara

Hello Anita

It’s been another few days. After this is clearer, I think I am another step to not be too affected by her(her being in my mind, not really having any interaction anyways)

I think this is one of the comments that I received often, from my friend. That she thinks too shallow(may be too compartmentalize/ emotional unaware if we use more psychologicacl terms), while they all know how much of a deep thinker I am.  But the funny thing is, I think I knew this, and my mind says ‘if you are committed to someone, then you should not give up on that person because of her “flaw” ‘ I do feel sometime I am not completely accepting, if I were to work on myself, then I should be more empathetic. But I did have some negative reaction when she had moments where she seemed to be completely ignorant of what she was doing, or the effect of her actions.

I think that’s the reason why i didn’t set up an appropriate/ healthy boundary? In my mind, I think I should work with her to see how we can improve, rather than, just walk away. The fine line between being perservance and being stubborn, is hard to manage in a relationship for me. When should a relationship really stops?

She is indeed good at her job, and some superficial interaction . She does have feelings and she does care for others, and I can sense it throughout our relationship, It felt like she couldn’t help it, and a lot of time she really didn’t know what she has done. That made me feeling quite unsure what to do, on one hand, I think sometime objectively, she should be more emotional mature(given she is 40, but honestly there are a lot 40’s who are still not knowing what they are doing in their lives, so I can’t say that i guess…), on the other hand, I think she really doesn’t have the skills or capability yet so I should be more empathetic.

I think being with this person has given me a lot of lessons to learn, given that we are quite different. I think we must have cared for each a lot at some points, that allowed us to sustain 5.5 years of relationship

good morning on your side

Clara

Hello Anita

What you said was very accurate. She could not tolerate and process difficult emotions and naviagte solutions while in them. She just wants to escape from it and refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem.

that is why i get frustrated when i realized all she thought was where she should break up and how she felt, i did not see her finding ways to solve the problem at all, it makes sense also since she lost interest in me. but on the other hand hearing her say she cares sounds very ambivalent, and i think i constantly and thinking “what?” in my head.

i think her pattern is shown through her work( burn out and quit), her interested in sex but refuse to acknowledge and call it a quit, ultimately our relationship( burn out and quit)

i even shared it during the conversation we had that day, that i felt i was mislead and i thought she didnt like sex, and i said i thought u wanted long term relationship and the falls in passionate is inevitable(that said i didnt mean we cant rebuild or evolve the relationship to another level). now it makes sense, because i really was mislead even she denied( or didnt understand about it)

the break up, yes, the expirary date may be there in the beginning already. as we said earlier, i am breaking my anxious attachment slowly and making it conscious. i think she is still stuck in her world and will inevitably repeat the pattern

Hi Anita,

You know I have been reading about attachment styles and it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance.

She is trying all her ways to break away from me, ‘I don’t like you anymore’, ” i have no feelings for you’, while we stayed under the same roof for 4 good years, and dated for 5 years. This is cruel, not to say she choose not to work on it but walk away. She is engulfed in her own wants, that she forgets that I have spent a good 5 years taking care of her needs, may not be perfect all the time, but I truly tried my best.

All the patterns that I read about avoidance, is so similar to her. Initial rush of happy hormones when we first dated, then fear of commitment and losing her individuality etc. No wonder why we struggled while I am almost the exact opposite while I want to get close and committed!

Thanks for sharing your new insights, I can also see how this is unfair to me. I keep thinking if I have done anything wrong, and that made me pushed my boundaries. I also feel she has taken my care for granted, which made her think she could just stay in the flat, for an unknown period of time, without thinking to leave in the first place. She assumed I would give her the space, thus no backup plan whatsoever. Now i recalled my therapist said, that she was spoiled, probably by me or the lack of consequences from the people close to her. She thought the things she did was ok, may be not so good but not enough to deserve the consequences, and she was hurt by the words that I said, but not thinking about why she got those words (I still think I shouldn’t call her idiot so that’s on me)

Sigh, it suddenly occurred to me that I really did not see this person so well, may be I was blinded by the closeness as well

Chau

Hello Anita

Good to know that you are doing well. Hope you are having a good kind of busy.

You are right about the pattern. My friend was also saying it was like detox. Some days it was better, some days it was worse.

Before she left for the trip, I was angry at her and i said she was an idiot. She did say we could talk after she came back, I was  thinking to drop this. but on the weekend when I was reading something that reminded me greatly of the mistakes we have made during especially the last period of our dating, I texted her to initiate a call, she agreed to talk and we did. I told her that we have made mistakes along the way, and I appreciate and respect the space and the break that she was requesting. I was calm and collected all the way, but she cried and said the day she left, she was very hurt by what I said. I apologized for using the harsh words. She said she also understood why I did that, but she was very upset.

I ended the call in 10 mins. Was mindful not to overwhelm both of us.

Now you talk about the pattern, I guess this is the pattern. The cues got too strong and too obvious, that prompted me to do something. and after the talk I did feel a sense of relief, although I am also aware that this is not going to last long.

For the things she left behind, I put them aside for now. I am trying to block her but also found myself unblock her afterwards. I have been very ambivalent since she returned. The emotional pattern is so strong, of course in the past I would be happy and talked to her and we would be talking about her trip etc(happy hormones generated). Now I potentially am craving for that.

Clara

Hello Anita

What a coincidence that you were thinking to leave a message for me. thanks for checking on me. how has life been treating you?

I guess it was too rush for her to think through and to give me my stuff, i honestly dont know why she couldnt do it in one go.

for the things that are still left in my flat, i believe she really missed that part. having said that, her pillow was left behind on my bed, and i just needed to put it aside. but i guess this is coherent to how she has been, she didnt think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy.

this sloppiness has inevitably sparkled some feelings inside me. and there were times i found mysef checking her on social media, and affected by any updates. there were times i found myself checking whether she read my stories in instagram etc. I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her.

the day she returned her keys to me, she left me a message. and it sounded cold to me. but afterall, what do i expect? she blantely told me she had no feelings for me. I felt a fool as i mailed her the bday gift i prepared for her, months ago, before any of these happened. I was thinking to throw it away or use it myself or give it to someone else. but since this was meant to me for her, i mailed it anyways.

i know there is no other way than to not contacting or stalking her, contacting doesnt help anyway, this will only create resentment( may be eventually from both sides). but there is some anger and frustration inside me , thay cannot be elimiated because of how she handled this, there are times when i really wanted to call and scold, or to contact simply.

the first two weeks were ok for me, but as the third week approached in the beginning of this week, i felt i missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because i knew she was back from her business trip and is back.

i guess its a phase but sometime i do struggle

thanks for listening