Hello Anita

Thanks for asking. All is well.

It has been slightly more than a month, from the actual break up. But I feel (and objectively think) I am recovering very quickly. There used to be this emotion tsunami , but now they became ripples only. I could identify it in my chest when it came, and as it builds up to a certain point, I sit with it and often times my tears would come out, and I would become better. After repetitive trials, I am quite used to the pattern and I can just let it be.

I do still, from time to time, see if she has updated on IG, that is basically the only connection we have now. I can recall the number of followers(I just do haha, I am very sensitive to numbers and I do still check her IG time to time) that she has and how many she follows , and I realized the number of both went down recently. I was thinking ” hmmm may be someone in her life is unfollowing her due to xxxxx, would it be someone she saw when we were on a break/ dating etc etc ‘ . It’s silly to stalk and think like that, and I know I am still lingering a bit, but it is kind of a habit to check on how she is, I see myself doing it less and less, but it still happens.

There was one night, when I was a bit sleepless, and i was thinking how inconsiderate she was. I had the feeling that I wanted to yell at her, but didn’t do so obviously. I just felt unfair, the way she treated me. The anger is still inside, and I would need to settle it on my own and I don’t expect her to do anything or would understand, coz if she does, she would already have done something.

I am now practicing a bit more yoga now, after the break up, I  have set a goal to do handstand within the year which i had thought about it for a while. There is this yoga teacher whom I quite like, her energy is light and she is fun to be with. I reserved some private lessons with her and after yesterday’s lesson, I realized I could have some fun time, with someone else, completely unaffected by the though of my ex. I can’t help but think with the right scenario, in the right context, I could start to like this teacher, or someone else for that matter.

the other thought that came immediately, was the thing you mentioned: adding logic to the heart. Even If I like this person, do I know this person well enough? is this mutual? what shows that this is mutual and how is this person compatible/ not compatible with me? I probably wouldn’t look via this lens before, but now, I think I am starting to have this lens now, which I think is an improvement as this balances my sentiments, which i had a lot when I began to like a person

Now I realized, it really takes a lot of time, to really start a relationship. I was too rush before , that made me unable to see clearly.

I am still actively thinking to adopt an animal, this, unlike the thought of my ex, is getting stronger rather than weaker. I like dogs but I know the commitment is higher, cats are easier. Anyhow, I will go check the dog/ cat shelter this weekend. Needs to consider so many as this can be a decade long commitment(and we certainly won’t break up so this may be the longest relationship I have, so far. Careful and deliberate considerations are needed!) I am unsure which animal will connect with me, but as my friend said: You would know you are ready when you do.

Have a good evening Anita, welcome to let me know how you have been

Clara

Hello Anita

It’s been another few days. After this is clearer, I think I am another step to not be too affected by her(her being in my mind, not really having any interaction anyways)

I think this is one of the comments that I received often, from my friend. That she thinks too shallow(may be too compartmentalize/ emotional unaware if we use more psychologicacl terms), while they all know how much of a deep thinker I am.  But the funny thing is, I think I knew this, and my mind says ‘if you are committed to someone, then you should not give up on that person because of her “flaw” ‘ I do feel sometime I am not completely accepting, if I were to work on myself, then I should be more empathetic. But I did have some negative reaction when she had moments where she seemed to be completely ignorant of what she was doing, or the effect of her actions.

I think that’s the reason why i didn’t set up an appropriate/ healthy boundary? In my mind, I think I should work with her to see how we can improve, rather than, just walk away. The fine line between being perservance and being stubborn, is hard to manage in a relationship for me. When should a relationship really stops?

She is indeed good at her job, and some superficial interaction . She does have feelings and she does care for others, and I can sense it throughout our relationship, It felt like she couldn’t help it, and a lot of time she really didn’t know what she has done. That made me feeling quite unsure what to do, on one hand, I think sometime objectively, she should be more emotional mature(given she is 40, but honestly there are a lot 40’s who are still not knowing what they are doing in their lives, so I can’t say that i guess…), on the other hand, I think she really doesn’t have the skills or capability yet so I should be more empathetic.

I think being with this person has given me a lot of lessons to learn, given that we are quite different. I think we must have cared for each a lot at some points, that allowed us to sustain 5.5 years of relationship

good morning on your side

Clara

Hello Anita

What you said was very accurate. She could not tolerate and process difficult emotions and naviagte solutions while in them. She just wants to escape from it and refuse to acknowledge that there is even a problem.

that is why i get frustrated when i realized all she thought was where she should break up and how she felt, i did not see her finding ways to solve the problem at all, it makes sense also since she lost interest in me. but on the other hand hearing her say she cares sounds very ambivalent, and i think i constantly and thinking “what?” in my head.

i think her pattern is shown through her work( burn out and quit), her interested in sex but refuse to acknowledge and call it a quit, ultimately our relationship( burn out and quit)

i even shared it during the conversation we had that day, that i felt i was mislead and i thought she didnt like sex, and i said i thought u wanted long term relationship and the falls in passionate is inevitable(that said i didnt mean we cant rebuild or evolve the relationship to another level). now it makes sense, because i really was mislead even she denied( or didnt understand about it)

the break up, yes, the expirary date may be there in the beginning already. as we said earlier, i am breaking my anxious attachment slowly and making it conscious. i think she is still stuck in her world and will inevitably repeat the pattern

Hi Anita,

You know I have been reading about attachment styles and it seems to me that I am anxious attachment, and she is avoidance.

She is trying all her ways to break away from me, ‘I don’t like you anymore’, ” i have no feelings for you’, while we stayed under the same roof for 4 good years, and dated for 5 years. This is cruel, not to say she choose not to work on it but walk away. She is engulfed in her own wants, that she forgets that I have spent a good 5 years taking care of her needs, may not be perfect all the time, but I truly tried my best.

All the patterns that I read about avoidance, is so similar to her. Initial rush of happy hormones when we first dated, then fear of commitment and losing her individuality etc. No wonder why we struggled while I am almost the exact opposite while I want to get close and committed!

Thanks for sharing your new insights, I can also see how this is unfair to me. I keep thinking if I have done anything wrong, and that made me pushed my boundaries. I also feel she has taken my care for granted, which made her think she could just stay in the flat, for an unknown period of time, without thinking to leave in the first place. She assumed I would give her the space, thus no backup plan whatsoever. Now i recalled my therapist said, that she was spoiled, probably by me or the lack of consequences from the people close to her. She thought the things she did was ok, may be not so good but not enough to deserve the consequences, and she was hurt by the words that I said, but not thinking about why she got those words (I still think I shouldn’t call her idiot so that’s on me)

Sigh, it suddenly occurred to me that I really did not see this person so well, may be I was blinded by the closeness as well

Chau

Hello Anita

Good to know that you are doing well. Hope you are having a good kind of busy.

You are right about the pattern. My friend was also saying it was like detox. Some days it was better, some days it was worse.

Before she left for the trip, I was angry at her and i said she was an idiot. She did say we could talk after she came back, I was  thinking to drop this. but on the weekend when I was reading something that reminded me greatly of the mistakes we have made during especially the last period of our dating, I texted her to initiate a call, she agreed to talk and we did. I told her that we have made mistakes along the way, and I appreciate and respect the space and the break that she was requesting. I was calm and collected all the way, but she cried and said the day she left, she was very hurt by what I said. I apologized for using the harsh words. She said she also understood why I did that, but she was very upset.

I ended the call in 10 mins. Was mindful not to overwhelm both of us.

Now you talk about the pattern, I guess this is the pattern. The cues got too strong and too obvious, that prompted me to do something. and after the talk I did feel a sense of relief, although I am also aware that this is not going to last long.

For the things she left behind, I put them aside for now. I am trying to block her but also found myself unblock her afterwards. I have been very ambivalent since she returned. The emotional pattern is so strong, of course in the past I would be happy and talked to her and we would be talking about her trip etc(happy hormones generated). Now I potentially am craving for that.

Clara

Hello Anita

What a coincidence that you were thinking to leave a message for me. thanks for checking on me. how has life been treating you?

I guess it was too rush for her to think through and to give me my stuff, i honestly dont know why she couldnt do it in one go.

for the things that are still left in my flat, i believe she really missed that part. having said that, her pillow was left behind on my bed, and i just needed to put it aside. but i guess this is coherent to how she has been, she didnt think through the breakup seriously and things just seem sloppy.

this sloppiness has inevitably sparkled some feelings inside me. and there were times i found mysef checking her on social media, and affected by any updates. there were times i found myself checking whether she read my stories in instagram etc. I am constantly finding myself trying to move on, and wanting to connect with her.

the day she returned her keys to me, she left me a message. and it sounded cold to me. but afterall, what do i expect? she blantely told me she had no feelings for me. I felt a fool as i mailed her the bday gift i prepared for her, months ago, before any of these happened. I was thinking to throw it away or use it myself or give it to someone else. but since this was meant to me for her, i mailed it anyways.

i know there is no other way than to not contacting or stalking her, contacting doesnt help anyway, this will only create resentment( may be eventually from both sides). but there is some anger and frustration inside me , thay cannot be elimiated because of how she handled this, there are times when i really wanted to call and scold, or to contact simply.

the first two weeks were ok for me, but as the third week approached in the beginning of this week, i felt i missed her a lot and really wanted to reconnect, possibly because i knew she was back from her business trip and is back.

i guess its a phase but sometime i do struggle

thanks for listening

Hi Anita

Thanks for checking in. I feel ok, obviously I have some ups and downs, but definitely a lot more ups than downs. Or, more neutal/ calm than downs.

I think asking her move away ASAP is the right thing to do, I just didn’t know whether the ‘how’ is ‘ok’, and the emotions in between is ‘ok’ or not, like I told her off and said she was an idiot for not thinking ahead, at the time she was late in moving her stuffs etc(saying this I still stand for myself in saying she handles this in sloppy way, for me it’s a basic respect but i think i should just point that out directly,  instead of saying she is an idiot)

Re the secure attachment, it is very interesting to see how once that episode of secure attachment with my mom when I was 8 or 9 year old was realized, more episodes of positive ones emerged even with my then very emotional explosive father. I can  recall scenarios where he is being a ‘father figure’ and took care and protected me. My friend said we all have comfirmation bias so may be once I didn’t focus on the scary/ negativies family situations, I recalled a lot more positive ones. I have grown from there and it is as if my lens for my family has changed.

There is a sense of calmness when I am at my parents home now, previously i felt easier irritated by little things.

So i think, this is definitely a huge plus of her leaving me. It made me dig into my past and help to amend things.

The other day, I gave my mom a proper, big hug. As asian we don’t really show that much affection, so it has been, I dun even know how many years that I gave her a proper hug. Very interestingly she almost hugged me immediately without hesitation, without feeling awkward at all, and I think she enjoyed the hug as much as I did. I was trying to solidify that secure attachment feelings and I think it worked.

My secure attachment has reminded me of the movie inside out. where Riley built her core memory/ personality island because she was so sad that she lost her game, and her family and friends hugged her and soothed. I think this is similar case to me, where my mother hugged and soothed me when I was upset, and this should have built my ‘family island’

The whole realization of the secure attachment, calmed my nervous system so well that it is hard to believe i just broke up with my partner of 5 years only two weeks ago. I think it’s because I am not adding extra burden to myself by the usual fear / sadness of abandonment habit. I think I have let go of that storyline.

I got myself some plants today, she doesn’t prefer too many plants since she doesn’t like to have too many things at home. now that her things are gone I have plenty of space and I am trying to fill the places with things i like. i am actually quite happy about some changes that are happening at home

So, thanks for asking anita, I will update again. Or ask again if you are curious of how I am 🙂

Hi Anita

Thanks for your insight always.

I want to clarify: Seems to me that her subjective experience of “really tough“, made possible by effective compartmentalizing, is way less tough than your un-compartmentalized subjective experience of really tough.

do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?

Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box. i think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well, but I guess she treated me as partner and think she ‘should’ take more care of me. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed.

I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require, may be she knew i needed affirmation so she just did it and put the feelings away. She called this ‘let the feelings just go’ but in hindsight, she didn’t really let them go. She might not even realize they were there, but they probably were. This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore.

She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion. I trusted that and I thought we were stable, thus she did not need those these anymore. But now, the reason she proposed a break up was she lost ‘feelings’ for me. And I think back, aren’t the things that she mentioned she did not need, were one of the thing that caused the feeling slip away? Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away? i dunno.

At  a point I thought to myself: This person did not really know what she was feeling and wanting. From all the situations above, as well as from this break up. She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she need to move out (may be she just didn’t want to deal with the logistic etc i dunno) as if she did not know breaking up = I won’t be there to help with laundry/ help her take care of the movers; she needed to move out from the house.

I think your last paragraph: This technique is not meant to be a permanent solution to your life’s emotional challenges and daily stressors. It should only be used to manage overwhelming situations, with the understanding that you need to revisit processing and resolve the emotions you shelve. I resonate with that a lot. She seems to be using compartmentalization ineffectively, and thus it takes her almost a month and a half of break, to think of a situation which she knew a month and a half ago, which was that she didn’t have feelings for me.

I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations(she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed).

After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly. May be in her perspective, I just said I wanted to join in that morning. her trip was planned some times ago, she needed a getaway, she did not expect I would ask her to move out that quickly, It was tough for her to find a place and manage work at the same time. Things were just out of control. For me, all these are a matter of planning and priority. For her, she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well.

My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better.

thanks all