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ChauParticipant
Hello Helcat,
Thank you, I got confused of what is right what is wrong already. I am unsure if i am angry at myself instead. I just don’t want the situation to continue i guess. I wish it can end, even if it meant breaking up.
Just now i took a deep breath and just distracted myself with other stuff.
Thanks for your blessing always
ChauParticipantHi all
Just now i had an angry feeling. Primiarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me.
I thought of breaking up with her just to end things. While she knows this is challenging for me, she still insist on the break. When I think of that, I think she does not care too much about me.
While on the otherhand, i do want to know what is in her mind, I don’t even know if the two weeks break is making any difference, and what is happening on her side? I have no idea of it and I don’t think this work
I may be looping, talking to her would seem to make things worse(she would think i am clingy?I don’t honour the promise?) But not talking to her makes me feel insecure.
While On the other, other hand, 3 weeks isn’t too long from now, I will have an answer by then.
Any insight is helpful, you all may have a more objective perspecitve on this
ChauParticipant<p class=”p1″>I do agree I took a bit of the personality of my father. He probably suppressed( ignored) his own emotions to a point where he could only explode or not feeling anything, nothing in between. I also think while others are being vulnerable, it made him very uncomfortable because he needed to be vulnerable( to an extend) to understand or communicate with that person, aka facing his own vulnerability. He only knew how to shut it down by rejecting it. I got his stubborness and jugdemental problem when i was younger, but i worked hard to change it once i realized where mine came from</p>
<p class=”p1″>i do not think i overreact normally,initially yes, when things were unsure and turbulent. I feel she imprinted that image of me being over sensitive when we started dating . i have changed a great deal but her impression remains.</p>
<p class=”p1″>in fact most of the time when i am at home with her, i am very silly and funny. i tried to let that part of me out, and that part i dont let it out too often. but somehow, i can still sense she is very cautious of what i say and tip toe. it is as if she needs to “deal” with me, so she acts in a certain way or do certain things. </p>
<p class=”p1″>she could go travel with fd for a week, and i didnt comment anything at all other than i miss her( but if someone is tired of you i guess that makes them uncomfortable still) . i guess i felt her uncomfortable, and that made me feel i overreacted and so i tried not to say much, i do ocassionally overreact as you said, when i didnt express myself enough. but in retrospect, It was not that serious honestly, at least until before she didnt respond to my question on whether she likes me or not.</p>
<p class=”p1″>one thing that she mentioned she liked about me, was how kind i was. i am empathetic and try to understand. she said i brought her new perspective and i am someone whom she typically does not interact with, it is as if i gave her another world to be in. </p>
<p class=”p1″>i get what anita says, with suppressed emotions, because they arent regulated well, it felt like a suddent pump of air to the chest, to a point i didnt know what how to deal. </p>
<p class=”p1″>i do lack the habit of expressing. i think i disconnected myself for a while, due to various people around me( parents/ my on-a-break partner) . they all have expectation, i also have expectation on myself on how i should behave in front of them.</p>
<p class=”p1″>one thing i wana share, i have picked up running again, and i did it 4 consecutuve days( i stayed in a hotel ocassionaly and they do have gym) I want to join gym again to maintain this habit, i think the endorphines help to lift me up and it helps me to regulate my emotions.</p>
<p class=”p1″>will share again, thanks all</p>ChauParticipantHello Anita
We mentioned about the follow up, but I think I also need to sink in a bit on what we discussed, she thinks I am quite stable at the moment and there is no urgent needs . I am opened to meeting her again to further our conversation though, I will be travelling the week after so I am thinking may be prior / after meeting my partner instead.
Clara
ChauParticipantHi all
Thank you. I went to my first therapy session yesterday.
The therapist tried to explore the pattern with our childhood.
For me, I grew up with some insecurity issues, wanted to get protection as I mentioned earlier(I think that’s how i wanted closeness), while my father was very explosive(emotionally) He would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point i cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to. He had problem when people get emotional or cry and i still remembered he scolded me for crying. He couldn’t tolerate people having vulnerable emotions, he would go head to head and gets very confrontational, or explosive. This happened to me, to his colleagues(which usually result in things falling apart), to my mom and elder brother, basically anyone who is against him(even the slightest). He was also very judgmental, in a heated argument I had with him before(I learned stand against him when i got older) , he called me useless and loser because I didn’t get married. It was so hurtful for me, I almost ran away from home that time
So from young I have learned to hide my emotions, and just dealt with it myself. I feel this is what happened when i swallowed my emotions, and not let her know that I was sad. I didn’t have the appropriate tools to express my emotions(while I think i am naturally born very sentimental). Similar thing might have happened when she came home late, I don’t often text or call he during the time, because I didn’t want to upset her. Once she gets home, she realized i was upset and she was caught by surprise.
We touched on her upbringing as well, her parents were very strict and she didn’t have much autonomy when she was a kid. So now, if asked for closeness and assurance, she might feel bounded and wants to escape. So the way my therapist saw it was, we are the classical pursuer distancer dynamic. It is to what extend we can live with it.
My therapist was saying: may be you unconsciously reminded her of how her parents treated her, while you want assurance and closeness. If this is the case, of course our love feeling dies down.
I didn’t make my second appointment, I feel I have cleared a lot on my side. The interaction pattern, my childhood insecurity, the way to regulate my insecurity when I feel it(meditate/ exercise/ breath/ distract). I also think in our relationship we got lazy and we didn’t celebrate much or go on a date etc.
All I have to do, is to stay calm and collected. It is hard to imagine we are breaking up(we might be heading that direction though), but I will clear the reasons why so that we have properly closure.
When asked whether I leaned towards the possibility of break up vs she just needs time to restart, I answered I really didn’t have a concrete direction(with her reactions i really feel very ambivalent, unsure how much is my projection though, she might think she was very clear i really dunno). I guess that probably should be my stance when i meet her. Be open-minded and see what comes up.
The therapist did encourage me to write letter/ email to her, for important insight like this. She can choose to read or not. But she mentioned she is one of those who compartmentize things, the emotions do not get in her, it’s all in the head, not in the heart. I am still pondering on this. But she encouraged me to lead the discussion when it comes to emotions, I am obviously a lot more introspective and have gone to a deeper level when it comes to emotions.
Thanks all, best wishes to you
ChauParticipantHello Anita,
Having said that, i do genuinely just want to go home and just watch TV with her like what we did eery night, eat dinner together and spend those moments in the house and be with each other. It hurts to think that she might be uncomfortable with me in the house for the whole time. Even thought not the whole time,it is still upsetting to acknowledge this.
My appointment is tomorrow evening, so about 20 hours from now. Will update afterwards
ChauParticipantHi Anita
Thank you.
I think you made a good point, that she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes.
This morning, it did come across to me that may be it is better if we are apart. Given she has lost the feelings as a partner towards me. She cares, but probably there is something more that is needed to continue as partner. May be she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not.
Anyhow, i will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up
Clara
ChauParticipantHello Helcat
Thanks. With our different natures I think sometime it takes time for me to understand what she really wants and thinking. I think she has a different operating system. While not knowing or understanding, i can only trust and respect, such as to give her the space she needs.
She is a slower pace person so I can see why she is doing this. but like what you said, it is difficult to imagine how she feels now because i may be skewed towards ‘no break up’. I am not objective at all.
I do expect things will pick up very slowly, even if she wants to try it again. i don’t expect myself move back immediately anyways even if so. Just to make it a slow start, if, we ever start over again
Thanks for the love and best wishes. Same to you
ChauParticipantHello Anita and Helcat,
Thanks you. I will try to remember to act out of love. I guess the whole thing is a bit out of my comprehension. I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship(or any other motive). The actions do not add up.
If she wants to break up then she has all the opportunities(including yesterday, I kind of prepared for the worst yesterday), or, we can definitely set an earlier date to end this rather than make it the end of the month, if it’s exactly one month it will be 20th, but not 27th. I even mentioned this was very challenging in practice to wait for a month( i assume if you do want to break up then you don’t want to wait also?and no need to deliberately prolong the suffering of someone else if you don’t think the benefit of the longer separation prevails?)But she said she was slow and she needed time to think things through. Plus she said she and I are not dating any other person during this period, so we are still partner in her mind. she even texted me afterwards for giving her this space.
if she wants to continue, why is she not sharing anything at all yesterday. She did not seem to really want to share much, and this is also weird given we haven’t talked for a whole week(and we lived together before that). I did ask if anything came up but she said she would share at the end of month.
It seems the space and time itself, is doing something and she wants them.
Anyways, I should stop thinking the ‘why’. I will never get to know until the end of the month (given she has thought through and know it also) This is out of my comprehension given I do not have more information.
The family issue did impact me quite a bit, so I had been very insecure as a person for a majority part of my adulthood. I don’t think they deliberately peeped, it just happened my mom was oblivious. That uncle passed away and I don’t think he meant evil either. It kind of just happened, but then it made me feel very insecure.
Thanks all for listening, good morning on your side when you see this
Clara
ChauParticipantDear Anita
I see my issue, from this incidence, is that I tend to overreact and often the overreacting is the second arrow of suffering in Buddhist’s saying. If I could clarify this earlier, or ideally on spot, then i wouldn’t have endured this week’s suffering as much as I had.
Catching the monkey mind requires a very good reflection of what I am feeling, and skills to catch it. it’s not easy but I guess I can try to detach myself instead of immersing myself in those emotions, which I was for the past week. Although I do empathize myself since this is still very upsetting to hear your partner grow apart , but afterall, not everyone is a buddha or saint so I guess my reaction is pretty normal.
Throughout the years I have learned not to expect your family to be the family that you wish for. We are blood related but that does not mean they are the ones who can understand you or give you comfort that you look for. I also learned that I am the only person who has the gift and opportunities to cultivate my knowledge and wisdom, so I kind of asked myself to take a more heavy responsibilities in terms of the relationship with my family.
don’t hide your legitimate needs out of fear- this is so true, for now I am a bit scared of what will happen, but if I want to pursue love, this fear needs to be addressed and contained or even elimiated
Thanks Anita and all
Clara
ChauParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you, your words reminded me to think more clearly about the situation indeed. I really shouldn’t just ignore all my needs and push myself to this point where I stick to the one month at all cost. This may just create resentment at the end if not properly addressed , if I don’t have a clear-head I may just blame her for all of these and forget that each relationship has two sides. So yes, voice out clearly does help to make this all more workable. Even if she does not agree or does not respond, I have done my part.
The reading does resonate. Probably because my past relationships were not successful, and as a child, there was no personal space for myself(I shared flat with a big families). I still remember the window of my bathroom was broken, and I often am scared someone on the other side would be able to peep, my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in(the door often has no lock) while I was showering, I remember there was one time an uncle was outside and I think he saw me shower, and I remembered I tried to use a towel to cover myself. Thinking of these make me feel a bit insecure still.
I understand it is the lack of knowledge in my parents’ generation, and probably they grew up that way which caused them oblivious of how impactful these seemingly minor things can harm to a child.
I think these are some of the root causes of my insecurity. I reviewed them before but I think i never actually did anything to deal with them, just did the first step to acknowledge of these incidences that happened before. I think I struggled to forgive my parents for a quite a period of time, while they didn’t even know what i was angry or irritated about. I reconciled with my parents(primarily I decided on the reconciliation and forgive and let things go cause nth was talked about), and I have a good relationship with them now. Just that I don’t think they know what I have been through, and I don’t think they would understand what it was.
So yea, I think I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger(with them and myself aware of it, conscious of it or not).
i will try to look at the books you recommend as well
Have a goodnight
ChauParticipanti confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up—> not broke up
ChauParticipanthi all
she responded quite quickly. we had a phone call.
I told her two things
1) i told her about the incidence of my mom, and i refrained myself from contacting her. while i allowed her to text me if something major happened, i didnt allow myself to do the same. I said i wanted to compromise that we can contact each other if anything happens. in my mind we sre still together, and with such big thing i woild really want to talk to her, to which she agreed immediately
2) i asked for specific date when we will talk .about how we should move forward, we made a date in the end of jul
i confirmed that we are on a break but on broke up. and i confirmed the definition, which means we are still exclusive to each other and we are not dating anyone else.
i shared with her i did a lot of soul searching, inseurity did come up but i tried to treat it as my homework to prepare for the relationship.
overall, i think this has settled my mind better. to have a confirmation and direction of where she is heading to, instead of just imagining myself
thanks everyone
ChauParticipantthank you
i just sent her a message this morning
just as anita suggested i said there are things which are unclear to me, and i want to clarify and discuss with her, if she is ok
i tried to make it factual and clear, and ask if she is ok to talk
will update if she responds
thanks all
Clara
ChauParticipant<p style=”text-align: left;”>i think i did not expect her to contacr me anytime, my source of suffering is my ruminating thought of what would happen after this</p>
even so, by expecting myself not contating her whatever happeend and her able to do so to me, this is not a right expectationI will initiate a talk with her to clarify
thanks all
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