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Taking a break

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 156 total)
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  • #434779
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Clara, and I hope to read from you again about .. anything you want to share here.

    anita

    #434797
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    I thought I’ll dig out some encouraging words for you (I am adding the boldface feature):

    Feb 24, 2017, Clara: “Hi Anita and all Hope all is well! I am back from my two months backpacking trip and thanks for the advice last time, it was very useful to me especially when you said the moment that I stay misery is a life lost, and I totally agree to it. I was expecting my 3 days local tour in Bolivia when I left a message to you, and it turned out that my tour was the best tour in my own trip, I have met some very good tour-mates and it’s an amazing. Good that I didn’t give up“-

    – And I say: Say No to Unnecessary Misery: don’t indulge in it yourself, there’s no benefit to it. And don’t inflict it on another. Both. This is my policy for myself!

    anita

    #434802
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    It is true, you have both been through a lot together. And no doubt grown a lot too.

    Breathing, exercising and not overthinking sounds good. 😊

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434813
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi both,

    No doubt I have grown a lot throughout the years. One thing I  need to remind myself: It matters what I do with the situation, not how the situation is. No doubt I have my resilience, been in even tougher situations.

    I am still sharing some accounts with her (deliveroo/ netflix), i often see traces of her in those apps. I got notification that she ordered for a group of people on a Monday lunch time to our place, which is a bit unusual. This can be neutral but I started to go into the loop: Why is she not working? who are those people who went to our place etc etc

    I catastrophized and thought : she must have forgotten about me and she is happy without me.

    Then I remember what Anita said: I needed to think in her shoes. Her operating system is different from me. I need alone time to deal with the pain; She may need to have other people around or even ‘not think about it’ to deal with the pain. She may have really forgotten about me, or,  she is just dealing the pain. I just don’t know.

    It took overnight for this to sink in. Last night, I decided to hide all her IG stories and also log out of the app, so that I won’t know what is happening to her. I was very upset as I felt the last connection(and hope may be) is lost, but I felt this is something that I needed to do.

    I cried a lot last night, but this morning I told myself it’s again another day, so it’s again closer to the date when we evaluate things

    thanks both

    #434814
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are welcome. “No doubt I have grown a lot throughout the years… No doubt I have my resilience, been in even tougher situations“- and indeed, you have what it takes to deal well with the current situation.

    Then I remember what Anita said: I needed to think in her shoes… Last night, I decided to hide all her IG stories and also log out of the app“- think about how it is to be in her own shoes, but operate from the position of your own shoes: fair to her and fair to you, not one at the expense of the other.

    anita

    #434815
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    it is hard to find the balance: Her needs and my needs. How to deal with the emotions when I take care of her needs(such as now when she needs space which conflicts with what I want); and how to be mindful of her needs when she takes care of me.

    For now, i am very mindful of not giving up hope, and expect/ imagine that we will break up after these few weeks

    Balancing is hard indeed

     

    #434816
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    How to deal with the emotions when I take care of her needs (such as now when she needs space which conflicts with what I want); and how to be mindful of her needs when she takes care of me“- always respect a person’s stated need to have a break from you. Do not try to negotiate with a person who wants a break from you.

    Wait to the end of the break. That’s what was agreed on.

    anita

     

    #434817
    Chau
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    It’s funny, your words reminded me of what I would say, but typically. If I encounter difficulties at work, I can be very logical and just stick with the plan, even if it’s hard or takes a lot of energy. this is what’s agreed on, then just do it(I typically sound very chill and relax when I say this to colleagues or myself). When it comes to personal things, my emotions overwhelms me at times, which cloud the other part of my brain(and heart)

     

     

    #434818
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    May your emotions (and mine) no longer cloud our logic.

    anita

    #434854
    Chau
    Participant

    Dear all

    Last night I had a dream, I dreamed of her breaking up with me.

    I woke up in the middle of the night, and was very upset. I think probably related to me detached from the apps etc.
    I realized i clinging to my upset feelings this morning, was going down the spiral and I tried to distract myself. I also downloaded the ’15 things you can’t control from here as well. it did help.

    When I first agreed to this break i was thinking it does take a month to really figure out if you miss someone. No contact may be good since she knows how it is without me(given I have very clear ground rules, I was struggling so much the first week without those) But in practice, it is really difficult for me,  I probably wasn’t really ready for the possible bad outcome(whihch is break up for me) at that point, logically I think that my be a solution. And  also probably because I am the one who is more attached to the relationship. I realized now that I am very attached, sometime may be just to the idea of the relationship, sometime it is indeed her. This obsessive feelings have been here since childhood, probably from when I felt out of control when I was young.

    Then I realized I am very good at thinking, but not very good at practicing. I need to practice how to let go out things that can’t be controlled, knowing isn’t enough.

    I still feel the cloudy/ muddy feeling in the chest, will deep breath!

     

     

    #434855
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    I am not focused, almost bed time for me, but for now, as to the post you submitted only 4 minutes ago: yes, it is possible that she will break up with you, it is at least a 50- 50 chance, I think. A real possibility.

    Be strong, stay strong. You’ll be okay either way. Be strong if she breaks up with you; be strong if you are back together with her: strong either way.

    anita

     

     

    #434856
    Chau
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    yea it breaks my heart to think that she is breaking up with me.

    i will try to make sense of it and stay strong

     

    #434857
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Clara. Do stay strong. Regardless of her choice/ her position: you don’t deserve to suffer. Fill yourself with peace of mind and heart, such that she can’t create or destroy.

    anita

     

    #434859
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Clara

    You did amazingly well thinking about your partners needs to help you stop catastrophising. Hiding the social media, so that your feelings are not triggered was a good idea.

    You are 100% right, the only thing that we can control in life is our own actions. Your mind is attached to fear of the unknown, loss of control. But the truth is that control is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. It is simply a false idea of safety that we cling to sometimes.

    I found that meditation was helpful in practicing letting things go.

    Catastrophising also is rooted in the belief that you need to prepare to be okay with something bad happening. But it also means that you stress and worry frequently before something bad even happens.

    Hypothetically, something bad might not happen and you could have spent all of this time worrying for nothing. The alternative is that you could break up, and it is likely going to be just as painful, but you spend extra time being in pain. Learning to be open to waiting to see what will happen next is hard work, but it prevents a lot of unnecessary pain.

    I’m sorry that you had a bad dream. I think you are doing a really good job of honouring your feelings as they arise. Letting them pass through. Try to take extra special care of yourself in this difficult time, especially when you are suffering. You don’t deserve to suffer.

    There is a process called reparenting that might be helpful to you to help manage your feelings that occur from childhood. The idea is that you take care of yourself, how a loving parent would. It helps to remember yourself you were when you were a child. When a young Clara is upset, what does she need? You didn’t get everything you needed as a child, but you can give it to yourself now.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #434872
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    I am the one who is more attached to the relationship… very attached, sometime may be just to the idea of the relationship, sometime it is indeed her. This obsessive feelings have been here since childhood, probably from when I felt out of control when I was young“- maybe it will help if you journal about your attachment to the idea of a relationship, and those obsessive feelings since childhood (?)

    anita

     

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 156 total)

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